User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - Seasons 3-8

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This is an alt backup of the Wikiquote page. This is episodes from Natalie's tenure on the show. For Sharona's tenure, see User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - Seasons 1-3. For my favorites, User:DReifGalaxyM31/Mr. Monk Quotations - My favorite episodes

Season 3[edit]

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring [3.10][edit]

Dr. Charles Kroger: Your new assistant is out there, somewhere.
[Monk ponders this for a while.]
Adrian Monk: God help her.
[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger and talking about Sharona's departure]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Didn't she sell her house?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she moved back to New Jersey?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Charles Kroger: And she remarried her ex-husband?
Adrian Monk: I'm not sure I like where you're going here.
[Monk is interviewing candidates for his new assistant.]
Nurse #2: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: Nine A.M....
Nurse #2: Until...?
Adrian Monk: Until one...
Nurse #2: One P.M.?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.
[A police investigation is underway at Natalie Teeger's house. Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking at the intruder's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So who was he?
Lt. Randall Disher: So far he's John Doe. No wallet, no ID. We're running the prints now. [They walk over to Natalie, who is sitting at the dining room table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Teeger, I'd like to go through the story. Umm, you heard a noise, you came to check it out. He comes and grabs you from behind.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You struggled. Now there were some scissors on that table. What were they doing there?
Natalie Teeger: Julie, my daughter, was working on a school project.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Where's the girl?
Lt. Randall Disher: She's with a neighbor. Didn't see anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. [to Natalie] So you grabbed the scissors and you stabbed him.
Natalie Teeger: I wasn't trying to kill him. [sighs] Maybe I was. I--I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you had every right to defend yourself. [Natalie sighs] Where's your husband?
Natalie Teeger: He died, uh, six years ago. He's a....was a Navy pilot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, why are they doing this? What do they want from me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who's "they"?
Lt. Randall Disher: There was, uh, another intruder two days ago.
Natalie Teeger: On Tuesday, a man came to my house. He said he was here to check my water meter, but he didn't go downstairs. I--I caught him over there [points to the living room] just looking around, but when he saw me, he ran out the back door!
Lt. Randall Disher: We called Water & Power, but there's no record of him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And this was a different guy?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you sure about that?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir? [in a low voice; to Stottlemeyer] There's got to be a connection here. Do you know the odds against two different men breaking into the same house in the same week?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't. Do you?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope. [Stottlemeyer thinks for a moment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is there anything of value in your house?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. My daughter.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Of course. I mean, cash or jewelry? Medicine?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: Drugs?
Natalie Teeger: No!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And you've never seen these men before? Either this guy, or the meter guy?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Huh. Miss Teeger, there's a person we sometimes bring in. He's a former detective. He sort of...specializes in cases like this.
Natalie Teeger: Great. Let's call him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, it's not that easy. You see, he's, uh, taking some time off. He's sort of....working through one or two personal issues right now, but I think if you were to talk to him and ask him yourself, he might change his mind.
[Monk is investigating Natalie's house to figure what the two intruders who have broken into her house might have been after]
Adrian Monk: Is there money in the house?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter, indicating it's been opened recently. But you don't have a coffee maker.
Julie Teeger: [whispering] Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo!
Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie Teeger: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds up a pill container] Birth control pills. I found these in your coat pocket. [Julie is staring at them] I'm sorry...
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you just did that! Do you have, like, zero social skills?!
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Oh! My mistake. These aren't birth control pills. These-These are... Tic-Tacs. Little pink and green Tic-Tac candies. [to Julie] You know, to make your breath smell better. But don't eat them. They're--they're special adult--you know [blows to indicate extreme bad breath] TicTacs. [He gives Natalie an obvious wink. She snatches the pills from him]
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at Natalie's fish]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Well, technically, it's a crimson marblefish.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we? Is it rare? Is it valuable?
Natalie Teeger: Costs about a dollar. Any pet store has a hundred of them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. [turns to Monk]
Adrian Monk: He brought a fishing net into the house!
Natalie Teeger: And he turned on the light over the aquarium.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like a diamond!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas? Monk, come here. [Stottlemeyer and Monk step aside]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, how--how's it going? I've been worried about you.
Adrian Monk: I've been worried about me, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did ya find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down... to nobody. [beat] Whatever happened with your wife's niece? The one who's the nurse? She never called me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. Um, here's the thing, Monk: I love her.
Adrian Monk: I understand.
Lt. Randall Disher: [gets up from his desk] Captain? [walks over to Monk and Stottlemeyer with a police file] We ID'd the intruder that, uh, Miss Teeger killed: Brian Lemmon. Minor league creep.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Does that ring a bell?
Natalie Teeger: Nah. I never heard of him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reading] One, two, three...five falls. A couple of B&Es and receiving stolen property.
Adrian Monk: Is there an address book, or anything in his wallet?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No wallet, no cash. [Randy grabs an evidence bag from his desk containing a note]
Lt. Randall Disher: This is, uh, all we found. It was in his back pocket.
Adrian Monk: "2:30 Sea of Tranquility." What is that? A club?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I don't think so. Who'd want to go to a club called the Sea of Tranquility? Besides you.
Lt. Randall Disher: I think it's some kind of spa or holistic retreat-
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not a spa. It's an exhibit at the science museum. My kid went there last week on a field trip.
[watching a somber parrot]
Natalie Teeger: What happened to him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. We had a female in there with him, but she died about a year ago. How did you know that?
Natalie Teeger: Why not put another female in there with him?
Adrian Monk: Won't work. He'll never feel the same about anyone else.
Pet Store Owner: That's right. How did you know that? We put another female in there with him, but I'm afraid ol' Sergeant Pepper is going to grow old and die alone in this little cage. [pause]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.
[At the museum]
Human Corpuscle performer: Hello, I'm a white corpuscle. I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie Teeger: No. I'd like to know less about you.
Adrian Monk: [examining a caveman] This man didn't freeze to death. He was murdered.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Look, there's a puncture mark on the side of his head.
Natalie Teeger: It was over 30,000 years ago!
Adrian Monk: Well, there's no statute of limitations on murder. [He tilts his head, doing his Zen thing] I think I know what happened...
Natalie Teeger: Detective Monk, why don't we solve my case first, all right? Then we can come back here and figure out who killed Ogg, okay?
[Pursuing tour guide Lyle Peck through the museum, Natalie drags Monk through a walkthrough exhibit of a woman's reproductive system.]
Natalie Teeger: Pretend you're in a funhouse.
AdrianMonk: Funhouse?! What's fun about fallopian tubes?!
[Later, up the tunnel]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Ahhhh!
[They turn into the fallopian tubes.]
Adrian Monk: Ah, no! Oh, I c— I can't go up there, I— ah, I-I-I-I don't even know this woman!
[Julie's teacher has disqualified her science project, and Natalie needs Monk to validate that Julie's project is legitimate]
Natalie Teeger: What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian Monk: An ichthyologist.
Natalie Teeger: That's what you are.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, you are.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think I am.
Natalie Teeger: For the next five minutes you are.
[Peck has set one of the exhibits on fire as a distraction; Stottlemeyer rushes up]
Kid: Here, use this! It's a fire extinguisher. [He hands Stottlemeyer his homemade fire extinguisher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thanks. [He sprays it on the fire, which causes the flames to grow and intensify] Hey! What's in this thing?!
Kid: Turpentine. [Stottlemeyer resorts to using his coat to smother the blaze]
[Monk has captured Peck and saved Julie's fish from dying]
Julie Teeger: How's Mr. Henry?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, he's fine. He's a very brave fish.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk saved his life.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. You know that moonrock is worth over two million bucks? But when Mr. Henry was in trouble, Mr. Monk forgot all about the rock. All he cared about was saving Mr. Henry. I can only think of one other man in the whole world who would have done something like that.
Julie Teeger: Daddy?
Natalie Teeger: Daddy.

Mr. Monk vs. the Cobra [3.11][edit]

[In John Ricca's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to an officer] Get a list of tenants. Start knocking on doors. [Randy comes in, awestruck] Lieutenant, I thought you had the perimeter. [Randy starts pointing at various Sonny Chow movie posters in the living room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Fist of the Cobra, 1975. I've got that same poster in my room. [points at another poster behind the TV] Oh look at this! It's from Ten Fingers of Doom. He broke his arm doing that stunt, but he still finished the scene, though. [squats in front of the TV and finds a VHS tape] Oh my God!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got a bootleg copy of Enter the Cobra. Can I have it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No you can't have it, Detective! This is a crime scene!
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's watch it. [starts to put it into the VCR, but stops and reconsiders it] Okay. Sir, I have a theory on this: this guy John Ricca. He's published a book on Sonny Chow, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it was a real hatchet-job, I mean it made the Cobra look terrible.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Cobra?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sonny Chow. Maybe we should be looking for a Sonny Chow fan. I mean they all hated the book, and most of them? Pretty nuts. I mean, I've seen the conventions all the time and they were real fanatics. [Monk and Natalie come in and step over the body to join Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Adrian Monk: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, thank you for coming. [acknowledges Natalie] Miss Teeger. I assume they filled you in downstairs.
Adrian Monk: More or less. How did he enter the building?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He broke in through a door on the roof around 4:00 AM, but get this: when he left after the murder, he took the elevator down and ran out.
Adrian Monk: He didn't mind being seen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh-uh.
Natalie Teeger: Was he really killed with nunchucks?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, check this out. [walks in with an evidence bag containing the death nunchucks] Gold-plated. Look at those insignias. Sonny purchased ones like these in Ninja Fury.
Adrian Monk: The killer left these behind?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they either belonged to the killer or to the victim. I mean, he was writing a book on all this crap. [An officer hands a VHS tape to Stottlemeyer]
Police Officer: Captain, here's the videotape you wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah, thank you. [plugs it into the VCR] Elevator B, at... 4:07. Let's have a look. [He presses play. A grainy image of the ninja getting on the elevator is seen]
Natalie Teeger: You can't even see his face!
Lt. Randall Disher: He looks like the Cobra. Sonny wore a uniform just like that in Kung-Fu Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sonny Chow is dead. [walks back into the other room, where the medical examiner is standing over Ricca's body] Doctor, give me a good note.
Medical Examiner: He was clutching some hair. He must have grabbed it off the killer's head. That means we have a shot at some DNA.
Adrian Monk: How could he grab any hair? We just saw the tape. The intruder was wearing a hood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it could have fallen off during the fight.
Medical Examiner: Because we hit her. The victim wrote you a note. [Under Ricca's right hand is the word "OW," written in blood. Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher all squat to examine it]
Lt. Randall Disher: "OW"? Why would anybody write "OW"? Usually, that's something you'd say. [Monk moves Ricca's arm aside, revealing the whole word: "CHOW"] Oh my God. Chow. He's alive. Sir, the rumors are true: he's been hiding out overseas just waiting for a time to make a comeback.
[Monk's doorbell rings. He walks to the door carrying a box of lightbulbs and finds Stottlemeyer at the front door]
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Got a minute?
Adrian Monk: Sure. [Stottlemeyer comes in and Monk closes the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, nothing. I was just... polishing the lightbulbs. What's going on? [He carries his box back to the kitchen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhh, you remember that convention I went to in Atlanta about three years ago?
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, something happened there that I didn't tell you about: I landed, I hailed a cab, and, I recognized the cab driver. It was Harold Burnshaw.
Adrian Monk: Burnshaw?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Burnshaw. He used to be a Fed, he was a real player. He used to head the FBI's field office in Atlanta until the 1996 Olympic Games.
Adrian Monk: The Plaza bombing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly. [sets a file down on the kitchen counter] They accused the wrong guy. Burnshaw booted it big-time on network television, instant career-killer. Now he's driving a cab. Monk, you should have seen his face. I'll never forget it.
Adrian Monk: We--What does this have to do with-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Twenty years ago, Sonny Chow froze some of his own blood in the event that he needed surgery. So they've got bulletproof DNA for a comparison, and that's a prelim on the hair we found at the crime scene.
Adrian Monk: [reads from the file] It's a match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Sonny Chow's hair. No question about it. He's been dead for six years, and he's my primary suspect.
Adrian Monk: Yeah...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now if I go public with this, and I'm wrong, I'm gonna wind up at the airport, picking up cops who still have jobs! Can you help me with this? I mean, I've got to know, I've got to be certain. Is this guy alive or dead?
[Natalie asks Master Zi if he thinks Monk should pay her expenses]
Master Zi: This man is your employer, your master. It is your job to serve him unquestioningly. [to Monk] I would not pay this woman any more money. You must teach her that wealth is in the heart, not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It's not in the bank.
Adrian Monk: It must be a heavy burden, to carry such tremendous wisdom.
Master Zi: It is a gift... and a curse.
[Sonny Chow's coffin is being exhumed]
Natalie Teeger: Lieutenant, you understand that if Sonny Chow is alive, he's murdered at least two people.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You'd have to arrest him.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd get to meet him.
Natalie Teeger: He might try to kill you.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so? Wow, that would be so cool! Sonny Chow!
[Cuts to the gravediggers lifting the coffin out of the ground]
Adrian Monk: Captain. How are you feeling?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a nervous wreck. How'd things go with the Zen master?
Adrian Monk: Well he said Sonny Chow died in his arms. I believe him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Well at least the press hasn't gotten wind of this yet, and once they do, it's going to be like Christmas morning for those vultures.
Natalie Teeger: [examining the monument] Look at that thing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. His fan club in the Phillippines paid for it!
Adrian Monk: [to the gravediggers] Be--be careful with that! You want to tell them be careful with that! [One gravedigger, Chris Downey, turns to Monk]
Chris Downey: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: I said you might wanna be careful with that.
Chris Downey: Come on, I've been doing this job since I was eighteen years old! I think I know what I'm doing. I don't come down to your station house and, tell you how to beat a confession out of some kid. [Stottlemeyer eyes and appears to recognize Downey]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Chris Downey: Maybe you do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're Chris Downey. [incredulously] They let you out?
Chris Downey: I did my time. Now I'm doing my job, at least I'm trying to. [swallows some pills from a bottle]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk and Natalie] I busted this low-life for assault and armed robbery.
Chris Downey: Got me on the assault. There was no robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. We never recovered the jewels you stole-
Chris Downey: Allegedly stole, allegedly. I love that word.
[Monk and Natalie are waiting for Sonny Chow's coffin to be opened; Monk is examining pickle jars containing preserved organs]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this was not in my job description. Let's get out of here.
Adrian Monk: Oh I'm okay. What a beautiful pancreas. [Stottlemeyer, Disher, and a doctor come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, here we go. [They open the lid of the coffin]
Doctor: Hello...
Natalie Teeger: [covers her eyes] Oh, my God...
Doctor: We're so sorry to disturb you.
[They take a part of the corpse, and examine it under a microscope]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you're the expert. Is it him or not?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's hard to say. I mean, Sonny had a lot more hair... and skin.
Doctor: We'll know soon enough. It'll take two minutes to compare these with his old dental records.
[Natalie whacks Monk with a pillow from a coffin]
Adrian Monk: Natalie! What are you doing? That's a... it's a... death pillow!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It is official: Sonny Chow is dead.
Adrian Monk: So, it is him?
Lt. Randall Disher: [crestfallen] Yeah, it's a positive ID. All the x-rays match.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that was the opposite of fun. So I guess we're back to square one. Lieutenant, see that Mr. Chow makes it back to the cemetery, and tell my old pal Chris Downey to stick him back in his hole.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I guess I'm off the hook.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But what the hell is going on here, Monk?
Adrian Monk: Well somebody, somehow got ahold of a few strands of Sonny Chow's hair and left them at the crime scene.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but why would anybody want to frame a guy who's been dead for six years?
[Randy pulls out his disposable camera and snaps a selfie of himself with Chow's remains]
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry, lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, at least I got to have my picture with Sonny Chow. [He exits the morgue]
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] You took a picture?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! Maybe I'll donate it.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: There's a Sonny Chow museum in Daly City! They'll probably give me a lifetime pass for this.
Natalie Teeger: [as Monk puts a small coin in a donation jar at the museum] It says five dollars.
Adrian Monk: Suggested donation. Considered their suggestion. Appreciate their suggestion. Decided to give less.
Adrian Monk: [as Natalie is leaving] I solved the case! Aren't you interested?
Chris Downey: I'm interested! [Monk looks behind just in time to see Chris Downey swing a shovel at his head. Cuts to Downey heaping dirt onto a buried coffin]
[Three police cars intercept Chris Downey's pickup truck as he drives out of the cemetery]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Turn off the motor! Throw your keys out the window! [Downey complies]
Lt. Randall Disher: [advancing on Downey, his gun drawn] Show me your hands, Downey! Show me your hands! Get out of the car! Get out of the car! [Downey slowly opens his door just as Natalie runs up. Stottlemeyer gets her out of the crossfire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, stay back! Stay back! [He forces Downey onto the hood of his truck] Where's Monk?! What did you do with him?
Chris Downey: Relax, Captain. He's still alive, for now.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where is he? What did you do with him? We can save both of your lives.
Chris Downey: If you wanna find your friend, I want something too: I want a car to the airport. [produces a small bag from his uniform pocket] I'm already packed. I want a jet that can fly 2,000 miles without refuelling. When I'm in the air, I'll tell you, A) Where I'm going, and B) where you can dig up... [stammers] Di-Dig. Y-you can dig. [immediately has a heart attack and collapses to the ground]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, I think he's had a heart attack! [They start to perform CPR on him]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's got no pulse.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downey! Downey!
Natalie Teeger: Don't die on us!
[Monk has been buried alive.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want that backhoe ready and running! Keep it running! [to the search party] All right, listen up! We figure he's got about forty minutes of air if he's not panicking... figure on fifteen minutes. This is Monk, I want the best you've got! So we're gonna spread out and we're gonna work the grid, all right! We're looking for fresh dirt, tire tracks, footprints, anything! Let's go-go!
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! There's a problem; the cemetery's just expanded. They just tore down a restaurant over there. It's all dug up, like, an acre and a half. Monk could be anywhere.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's already been 20 minutes. Even if we find him, he'll be a basket case!

Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever [3.12][edit]

Adrian Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna... diminishes me.
Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: [as they drive into the mountains] Why couldn't we stay in the city?
Natalie Teeger: Because a man there wants you dead.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Agent Grooms: And that man packs a lot of muscle in the Bay Area.
Adrian Monk: I know that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's why they have a witness protection program.
[Grooms stops the car at a gas station. Stottlemeyer gets out]
Agent Grooms: Captain, please stay in the vehicle until we get to the cabin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you afraid of, Grooms? A sharpshooting raccoon with a high-powered rifle?
Agent Grooms: Okay, Captain, this is not a joke. Tommy Winn has already had two other federal witnesses killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know he has. That's why I'm here. [Natalie gets out behind him]
Agent Grooms: Miss Teeger, stay in the vehicle.
Natalie Teeger: No.
Agent Grooms: [sighs] All right, you can stretch your legs. Just don't call any attention to yourselves.
Natalie Teeger: Good advice coming from a guy wearing a three-piece suit in the middle of the woods.
[Monk gets out of the car]
Adrian Monk: Where are we?
Agent Grooms: You're safe. That's where you are.
Adrian Monk: How long do we have to stay here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until the deposition hearing on Monday.
Adrian Monk: Six days. [Grooms goes to the gas pump and removes the hose]
Agent Grooms: You're doing God's work. We've finally got Tommy Winn behind bars and thanks to you, he's gonna stay there.
[Monk tries to use the persona of a hunter while at the general store]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me, do you carry Sierra Springs bottled water?
Store Owner: In the cooler. Help yourself. [Natalie heads towards the cooler in the back] You folks just passing through here?
Adrian Monk: I'm---I'm a hunter. I'm going to do some hunting [mimes holding a hunting rifle]. [Another customer in the store, Kathy Willowby, eyes Monk oddly]
Kathy Willowby: Season doesn't start for three months.
Adrian Monk: I know. Uh, I like to get here early, and get a good spot.
Kathy Willowby: What are you going to do? Squat in the woods for twelve weeks? [Kathy laughs. Her husband Martin glowers at her]
Martin Willowby: Kathy! It's none of our business! This gentleman ain't poking his nose into your life, is he?
Kathy Willowby: He can ask me anything he likes! I've got nothing to hide. [She turns to the owner; who is playing country music on his radio] Turn that up! Martin hates country music; he doesn't let me play it at home. Isn't that right, darling?
Martin Willowby: That is why the good Lord invented headphones.
Store Owner: Oh, Martin. I've got those dipsy-digglies you were asking about. [hands Martin a pair of fishing lures]
Martin Willowby: Thank you very much. [eying Monk] Best bass lure in the whole world!
Kathy Willowby: Yeah, every lure you buy is the best lure in the world!
Martin Willowby: Well that's 'cause they keep improving them! I'll take two: one for the fish, and one for my lucky hat. [The cashier is taking care of Natalie's payment]
Store Owner: Okay. That will be $22 even.
[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer are observing Kathy Willowby through binoculars. She is carrying large ice bags from her car into the cabin]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's carrying two packages. Looks like ice.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! She's been buying ice all day. That makes 16 bags she's brought in so far.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food! No beer, no chips, just ice!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: The only other thing that she bought today is a new radio.
Natalie Teeger: What are you getting at?
Adrian Monk: Plus, I am positive I heard a man screaming at 1:15 last night!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was me. You tied my foot to the bed!
Adrian Monk: I mean before that, and it was definitely coming from that cabin. Shh! [They can hear country music from the cabin]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: You hear that? She said her husband didn't let her listen to country music in the house.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he's not home.
Adrian Monk: Well where did he go? There's his boat! They only have the one car.
Natalie Teeger: Well maybe he went on a walk!
Adrian Monk: No, I have been watching the house all day. Captain, I have not seen him.
[Stottlemeyer goes inside to pick up the phone while Monk and Natalie continue to observe Kathy. Monk hands the binoculars over to Natalie, who sees Kathy takes another bag of ice into the cabin. When he dials, Kathy's phone starts ringing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's ringing.
Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss- [Kathy picks up the phone]
Kathy Willowby: Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello! Mrs. Willowby.
Kathy Willowby: Yes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. Uh, we're having a big high school reunion.
Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh! Well OK, I'll try back, then!
Kathy Willowby: You do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much! [He puts down the receiver] She says that he's on the lake fishing.
Adrian Monk: She killed him. [Natalie sets down the binoculars, disgusted]
Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding me. Can I take you anywhere?!
[Monk knows that Kathy Willowby electrocuted her husband]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk... are you sure? I mean, are you really sure? And don't give me any of that "95 percent" crap!
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am one hundred percent sure... that she probably killed him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[There is a lightning strike outside and a clap of thunder]
Adrian Monk: ...95 percent.
[Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer get stuck in a pothole during a thunderstorm]
Adrian Monk: Are we lost? Tell me the truth, I can take it.
Natalie Teeger: We're... [Stottlemeyer mouths, "NO!"] ...not lost.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
[In the woods, Monk stumbles and grabs a tree to keep his balance.]
Adrian Monk: Ooh, I got nature, I got nature on my hand! [Natalie wipes off the dirt with a leaf] What are you doing?! You can't clean nature with nature!
[Disher has shown up at Kathy Willowby's cabin, having been lured here by Chinese hitmen]
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, this was handmade. See the edge? It was cut with scissors.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [glances at Randy] Randy, did you just drive up here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so? [Stottlemeyer looks outside and sees that he is in the center of someone's crosshairs]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Get down!
[The hit men open fire, and Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, Deputy Coby and Kathy Willowby take cover]
Deputy Paul Coby: Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer:' There's at least two! One behind the canoes!
Deputy Paul Coby: Who the hell are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hit men from San Francisco!
Natalie Teeger: THEY'RE HERE TO KILL MONK!
Kathy Willowby: Good!
[As the two assassins continue to shoot up the cabin, Monk puts Kathy's radio on the table, and notices scorch marks with the outline of an electric cord that run from the electric outlet to the bathtub, while Randy examines his fortunes]
Adrian Monk and Lt. Randall Disher: [in perfect unison] Oh my God, I've got it! Here's what happened! [Monk and Randy start giving their summations simultaneously (Monk about Kathy Willowby and Randy about his relationship. Randy is shown in a bar when Hayley "accidentally" spills her drink on his lap]
Lt. Randall Disher: We met by accident! I can see it now. God, I'm such an idiot! [Kathy electrocutes Martin in the bathtub]
Adrian Monk: ...She dropped the radio into the tub while he was bathing. She needed it to look like an act of God to collect the extra insurance, but... [switches to Randy's fortunes being prepared separately in a kitchen]
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Maybe I believed them because I wanted to believe them. All of those fortunes were printed in advance just for me! [switches to Kathy pouring ice over Martin's body]
Adrian Monk: She had to preserve the body until the storm came!
Natalie Teeger: That's why she bought all those bags of ice!
[flashbacks end]
Deputy Paul Coby: My head is spinning. Which one are you listening to?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither one. [A bullet shatters a vase behind him]
Lt. Randall Disher: ....all they had to do was send me a fake IRS check!
Adrian Monk: [at the same time] She froze the body so that the coroner would never be able to determine the right time of death! [We see the garbage truck that nearly ran Randy down. Now we see the driver is an Asian member of the gang]
Lt. Randall Disher: The first fortune predicted that I would be save by a dirty death, which is exactly what happened when I left the restaurant. [switches to Kathy putting Martin's body in the boat and creating fake scorch marks]
Adrian Monk: Last night during the storm, she put her husband in the boat, then cut it loose, waited a few hours, and then reported it as an accident.
Lt. Randall Disher: [fires his pistol] Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She probably broke up with me.
[Outside, Agent Grooms crawls behind one of the canoes and pops up behind one hit man with his pistol drawn]
Agent Grooms: FBI! Freeze! [He shoots the man. As Grooms leans over to check the guy's pulse, the other hit man starts to approach, but before he can shoot...]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Grooms! [Stottlemeyer shoots the second goon] A little vacation, huh? [Grooms scorches daggers at Stottlemeyer. Inside the cabin, Kathy stands up, shaken]
Kathy Willowby: Is it over?
Deputy Paul Coby: Not for you. I'm going to order a full autopsy on Martin's body. They'll know if it was lightning or electrocution. [He leads her house of the house in handcuffs, while Monk, Natalie and Randy get up]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Monk and Natalie] So what the hell happened here?
Natalie Teeger: She electrocuted her husband!
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, looks like we've all had a pretty full day: you guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.
[after hearing a car]
Adrian Monk: It's probably people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: (pause) Yeah, Monk, it's probably people.

Mr. Monk Gets Stuck in Traffic [3.13][edit]

[Julie has to go to the bathroom.]
Monk: No, Julie, wait. Here. I'll give you ten dollars to hold it in.
Julie: Really?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? You can't pay a person not to pee!
Monk: Best money I ever spent.
Julie: Sure he can. It's called the free market. I learned about it in school. So, Mr. Monk... how much would you pay me not to throw up?
[about five miles later]
Julie: Here.
Monk: What's this?
Julie: I'm returning your money. I'm not gonna make it.
[Monk is getting onto the Korn tour bus so Julie can use the restroom.]
Monk: They spelled "Corn" wrong!
Monk: I like your music. It's very... musical. But I wish I could understand more of the words.
Monk: I play the clarinet. Played with Willie Nelson.
Monk: [to a Korn member] I like your socks.
Band Member: They're not socks. [He pulls up his pant leg and uncovers a very large tattoo, and Monk covers his eyes and Julie's eyes.]

Mr. Monk Goes to Vegas [3.14][edit]

[Monk and Natalie have arrived in Las Vegas]
Natalie Teeger: Welcome to Sin City, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Is it some kind of holiday?
Natalie Teeger: Nope, it's like this twenty four hours a day, all the time. People come from all over the world just to give their money away.
Adrian Monk: They look miserable.
Natalie Teeger: They are miserable. You might be the happiest person here.
[A woman at a slot machine behind Monk immediately screams with excitement]
Natalie Teeger: Are you all right? This is nothing. Just wait 'til the tour buses show up; this place is going to be packed.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: I lived here for two years. I was a Blackjack dealer.
Adrian Monk: I didn't know that.
Natalie Teeger: There's a lot of things you don't know about.
Adrian Monk: Really? Like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like it's none of your business.
Adrian Monk: Have you ever done hard time?
Natalie Teeger: Do you think I've done hard time?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.
Natalie Teeger: Right this way.
[Stottlemeyer and some fellow cops are passed out in their room. Stottlemeyer is awakened from his hangover by knocking on the door and shatters a plate]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sheesh! Where's my pants? Hey Randy, where's my pants?
Lt. Randall Disher: [mumbling] You threw them out the window.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did I do that?
Lt. Randall Disher: One of the girls bet you a dollar you wouldn't. [Stottlemeyer drapes himself with the towel Randy is using as a blanket]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [takes a dollar out of the waistband of his boxer shorts] Looks like she paid off. [Stottlemeyer wraps a towel around himself. The knocking at the door becomes more incessant] Coming! I'M COMING! Quit with the pounding!! [He looks through the peephole] Which one of you idiots invited Monk?!
Detective 1: It wasn't me.
Detective 2: Not me. [Stottlemeyer opens the door to find Monk and Natalie outside]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Natalie. What are you doing here?
Natalie Teeger: You called him. Last night, you told him to come?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, I called you?
Adrian Monk: You said there'd been a murder!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [laughs] What the hell are you talking about?
Natalie Teeger: Can we come in?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. [Monk and Natalie come in, just as the other detectives are waking up]
Natalie Teeger: [laughs] So! You guys having fun?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, I don't know.
Natalie Teeger: What's the occasion?
Lt. Randall Disher: [mumbling] Sgt. Finnegan's bachelor party. [Natalie grabs Randy's pillow and tosses it aside]
Adrian Monk: Sgt. Finnegan? No, I just talked to him last week. He's not having a bachelor party.
Detective 1: Uh, yeah, he must've changed his mind [forcibly closes the door on a guy trying to enter from the adjoining room] at the last minute. We tried to call you.
Detective 2: [picks up a small clutch purse] Hey look! Stripper left her makeup bag!
Adrian Monk: Strippers?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhh, it's okay, Monk, 'cause me and the other married guys, we--we went down the hall until she left.
Lt. Randall Disher: [changing into a dress shirt] Okay! I'll meet you guys later. [ties his shoes] I'm going to go hit the tables.
Natalie Teeger: How's your luck?
Lt. Randall Disher: Great. Only down a couple hundred.
Natalie Teeger: Whatchya playing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Blackjack.
Natalie Teeger: Why don't you go next door? The Mirage has some $5 tables. [Stottlemeyer pours himself a glass of ice water]
Lt. Randall Disher: Five bucks? Those are the kiddie tables! I'm here to make some real money. [pulls out a book titled "Winning Big"] I got a system.
Natalie Teeger: Oh! I didn't know you had a book. Then you can't lose.
Lt. Randall Disher: Come on down and see for yourself. You can help me count my chips.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait a minute. I called you, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Right!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I cal....I solved something. It was big.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. You said Daniel Thorn murdered his wife.
Adrian Monk: You said you had proof.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. [Monk checks his watch]
[Monk is trying to help Stottlemeyer remember the events of his hangover]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I talked to someone.
Adrian Monk: Good! There you go. Who?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was a man. [beat] Or a woman.
Adrian Monk: Ah. Man or a woman. That narrows it down. So--so--so it wasn't a child.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could have been.


[Monk watches as Stottlemeyer sings karaoke to get information from someone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers] "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long..."
[Natalie comes in and sees Stottlemeyer at the mic]
Adrian Monk: Don't ask.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] ... "anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder if she's gone to stay..."
Wanda: Do the dance, you did a little dance.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone too long, anytime she goes away..."
Wanda: Turn around, I wanna see your tush.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know... "
Wanda: Those are different pants. Where're the jeans? [Stottlemeyer stops singing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
Wanda: All you said was, "They don't match."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "They don't match"? What doesn't match?
Wanda: I don't know, you didn't say.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
Wanda: Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Thank you.
[He goes over to Monk and Natalie]
Adrian Monk: You were good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
[Natalie effortlessly arranges special favors, on the excuse of "because I'm cute".]
Adrian Monk: Boy! It's like you have superpowers.
Natalie Teeger: It's a gift.
Adrian Monk: And a curse?
Natalie Teeger: No, just a gift.
[In Daniel Thorn's private elevator, Monk throws a scarf around Natalie's neck.]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: We're reenacting the crime. You're the victim.
Natalie Teeger: Wh-what if the elevator starts up?! It'll get caught again!
Adrian Monk: It's not going to get caught.
Natalie Teeger: W— Then you be the victim! [hands Monk the scarf]
Adrian Monk: N-n-n-n-no! Uh, Sharona was always the victim.
Natalie Teeger: I'm sure she was.
Adrian Monk: I can't be the victim! I'm the detective! I have to step back and observe the scene.
Natalie Teeger: Well I can observe stuff, too! A) This is a crime scene-
Adrian Monk: No--no, you don't know what to look for. We--we have a system! It's a good system. There's an old saying: "Don't... change... anything... ever."
Natalie Teeger: That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years. [He offers the scarf to Natalie. She expresses displeasure by folding her arms and glaring at him]
[Monk and Natalie come off the private elevator after Monk's near-strangulation]
Natalie Teeger: [picks up the piece of torn scarf] Oh, there it is.
Adrian Monk: Well it's ruined now. You cut it all up.
Natalie Teeger: I saved your life!
Adrian Monk: You could've untied it. [Stottlemeyer hurries up to them, frantic]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk! Natalie! I've been looking all over for you guys. It's Randy. He's in way over his head. He's lost his savings account. He's going to lose everything!
[midway through Randy's blackjack game]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So exactly how much are you down?
Lt. Randall Disher: 35.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thirty five thousand dollars?! Where did you get $35 grand?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's easy. They lend it to you.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know what happened. I was on fire; I--I couldn't lose! I was up almost $8,000, and then I started doubling and tripling my bets, just like it says in the book, and, next thing I knew-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let me see the book, Randy. [He takes it from Randy and tears it up]
Lt. Randall Disher: Whoa--whoa, what are you doing?! How am I going to win my money back?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You stay there. If you go near those tables again without me, I will shoot you in the leg!
[He leaves Randy sitting on the couch while he walks over to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sighs] Well, a very good friend of mine has a gambling problem. I need to do an intervention.
Adrian Monk: Maybe Randy could find a support group.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm talking about you, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Me? I don't gamble.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's the problem. You should gamble. See, you could be in there right now gambling and winning his money back.
Natalie Teeger: You can't be serious!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, the kid is $35 grand in the hole. That is his savings account, his car payment, and the down payment on his mother's condominium.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] I can't do it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, you can! I just saw you!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't listen to him!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, just-- you do that Rain Man thing! Count a few cards. It'll take you an hour and a half.
Natalie Teeger: Look at me. He has no idea what he's talking about! Once you get a taste of it, you will be hooked for sure! You will never leave!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He won't get hooked.
Natalie Teeger: He gets hooked on everything! He's the most compulsive person I've ever met! He's like a different species!
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll be with you the whole time. We go in there, win the $35 grand back, and then we walk away.
Natalie Teeger: Nobody walks away! Mr. Monk! Don't do it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Monk. It's Randy. [points to Randy, trying to look at the torn pieces of the book]
Adrian Monk: I have to do it. It's Randy. And then I'll walk away. I promise.
[Stottlemeyer has solved the case while drunk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, that means if I'm drunk as a skunk, completely plastered, I'm as smart as you?
Adrian Monk: Smarter!

Mr. Monk and the Election [3.15][edit]

[while Stottlemeyer and Monk question Harold Krenshaw, Stottlemeyer takes a bite of a coconut donut]
Harold Krenshaw: Now you have to eat a sugar one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't want a sugar one.
Adrian Monk: Then you could take three more coconuts and two chocolate.
Harold Krenshaw: Or two coconuts and two glazed.
Adrian Monk: Or he could just eat all of them. That would be easier.
Harold Krenshaw: That's a good idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or, I can do this. [He grabs the box, mashes it, then folds it in half, and pokes a hole in the middle] There. Now there's one donut. One big damn donut.
[Natalie refuses to drop out of the school board race after a sniper attack]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Teeger! Hey, Miss Teeger! What are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: I'm running for office. [passes out flyers] Hi, I'm Natalie Teeger. Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought that you had dropped out of the race.
Natalie Teeger: I changed my mind.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Natalie Teeger: I have my reasons. [One of Natalie's volunteers pushes past Monk to hand a pin to a passerby]
Mr. Ellis: Hi, are you registered to vote? Who are you going to vote for? It's time to wear a pin. [Natalie taps his shoulder]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Ellis, you're scaring him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's scaring me. [Monk is distracted by Jack Whitman distributing flyers and repeatedly saying, "Vote Teeger! Hi, vote for Natalie Teeger!"]
Adrian Monk: Where did you find them?
Natalie Teeger: They heard about the shooting, and wanted to help.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can't protect you out here! There are too many rooftops, too many windows!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's a risk I'm willing to take. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: You have to think about Julie.
Natalie Teeger: I am thinking about Julie, Mr. Monk. More than you know.
Adrian Monk: [to Stottlemeyer] She won't listen to me.
Natalie Teeger: Did you talk to Harold Krenshaw?
Lt. Randall Disher: We don't think Mr. Krenshaw is involved. His alibi's airtight and he just passed a polygraph.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're working with the ATF to track down the weapon. In the meantime, Miss Teeger, I need for you to cancel all public appearances.
Natalie Teeger: I can't do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay. We need to sweep the campaign office for explosives every morning.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want it locked down. Two uniforms around the clock. Even when she's not there.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I'm assigning you a bodyguard. Lieutenant? [pins a "Vote Teeger" pin to Randy's lapel] Thank you for volunteering!
Natalie Teeger: He's my bodyguard?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 24/7!
Natalie Teeger: I'm still not dropping out!
Lt. Randall Disher: That's not my job.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It is now.
[Randy tests some lasagna Jack Whitman brought in]
Lt. Randall Disher: A little too much oregano, but it's not poisoned.
Jack Whitman: That's what every cook likes to hear.
[Monk, Natalie, and Randy have just escaped a grenade blast]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Disher told me that you put the grenade in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he said you went back and opened it again. You just had to straighten something out, didn't you? [Monk shrugs] I'm going to ask to the mayor to give you a medal for what you did, and then I'm going to ask the mayor to take that medal back, because you just had to open that door, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: So it's a wash?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it's a wash.
Adrian Monk: Captain, that grenade... had Russian markings.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know. We found a piece of it. It was made in Chechnya. This guy must be very well connected. Whoever he is, you must be making him nervous.
Adrian Monk: How's Natalie?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's fine. But you've got to talk to her, Monk. She still won't quit, even after this.
[Natalie is washing up in the bathroom after the grenade blast when Monk knocks on the door]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me. [Natalie sits down on the edge of the tub]
Natalie Teeger: Come in. [Monk lets himself in] I'm not quitting.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, look, we--we--we don't know who this guy is. We don't know what's going on.
Natalie Teeger: Then figure it out, Mr. Brilliant Detective! Because I'm not quitting! I can't quit.
Adrian Monk: Of course you can! [Natalie shakes her head. Monk turns his head and sees a photo of Mitch over the medicine cabinet] I see. You can't quit, because Mitch was a hero. [Natalie shakes her head]
Natalie Teeger: You don't understand. I can't quit because Mitch wasn't a hero. [She sniffles] Close the door.
[Monk closes the door]
Natalie Teeger: What I am about to tell you dies with you. Do you understand?
Adrian Monk: OK. [He sits down on the edge of the tub next to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: [sighs] My husband and two crew members were shot down over Kosovo in 1998. They crash-landed behind enemy lines. Mitch didn't make it out, but they rescued the other crew members, and when they got back, they said---they said he panicked! They said [she wipes a tear from her eye] after the crash, he ran off with the radio and all of their supplies. They said he was a coward. And the Navy can't prove their version of the story, but it's in the record. It's in a file somewhere.
Adrian Monk: Natalie-
Natalie Teeger: I don't know what the real story is. All I know is some day, Julie's going to start asking questions about her father. He's not here, but I'm here. I'm all she has. I can't be a coward, too.
[Monk walks into Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [not looking up from his desk] Don't you ever get tired of being right?
Adrian Monk: I do feel tired. More fatigued, really. I don't know if it's from being right or-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [irritably] It was a rhetorical question, Monk. We might be on to something here. [He hands Monk a file] Jack Whitman. He's been sent up twice, first time for mail fraud and receiving stolen property. Lately, he's been importing rugs.
Adrian Monk: Rugs?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, rugs from places like Chechnya, Uzbekistan. Sound familiar?
Adrian Monk: The shell casing and the grenade.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Feds think that he's a major arms dealer. They raided his office six months ago. They came up empty-handed: no guns, no nothing, no paper trail. All they could get him on was tax evasion. He did five months. He just got out last Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: And two days later, he's on a roof taking shots at Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Then he joins her campaign, and then he tries to take you out?
Adrian Monk: What's he after?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [stands up] I'm not going to wait to find out. Let's go get him.
Adrian Monk: I can't go. You're on your own. Natalie's waiting for me downstairs. I have to go vote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's good. You're doing your civic duty.
Adrian Monk: There's that. Also, if I don't vote, Natalie will - you know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh.

Mr. Monk and the Kid [3.16][edit]

[Stottlemeyer and Monk discuss two-year-old Tommy's discovery of a severed finger.]
Monk: Where did he find it?
Stottlemeyer: The boy's not talking.
Monk: Maybe he hates cops.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe he's two years old.
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Teresa Crane: Now... before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
[Monk calls 9-1-1 while babysitting Tommy.]
911 Operator: You mean, you've never changed a diaper?
Monk: Hurry!
911 Operator: Okay, sir. On the side of the diaper there should be two Velcro straps.
Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
911 Operator: Now rip 'em open!
[sound of Velcro ripping]
Monk: Oh! Oooohh! Oh, my God! Oh, the humanity!
[Monk and Natalie have brought Tommy along as they stake out the Carlyles]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God! What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.
[Monk is babysitting Tommy.]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my gosh, look! He's separating his food!
Tommy Graser: Me separating food!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher fill Monk and Natalie in on the finger]
Natalie Teeger: We just got your call. You found a body?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not quite. There is a two year old boy named Tommy Graser-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, not two years. 22 months. Not quite two.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whatever. Anyway, he was, um, separated from his mother-
Lt. Randall Disher: No, uh, his guardian. She's not actually his mother. She, uh, runs a foster home. For the record.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the record, stand over there. [Randy walks a short distance away] Anyway, he was in the playground, and he disappeared for about ten minutes-
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh 14 minutes. [Under Stottlemeyer's watchful glare, Randy takes a few steps back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When we found him, the little boy had a severed human finger.
Natalie Teeger: A finger?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A pinkie. It was still bleeding, freshly severed, uh, probably about four hours ago.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah about four hours ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just said that, Randy!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at the crime lab examining the finger]
Forensic Technician: Are you ready?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Forensic Technician: It is a left pinkie, belonging to a male Caucasian, about 25 years old. So far, there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today, we figure around 8:00 AM, with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] He cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Lt. Randall Disher: Nope, maybe they just cut off the fingers, that way when they dump the body later, there'll be no prints.
[Monk uses a set of tongs to grab the finger and holds it parallel to his left hand]
Adrian Monk: There's a callus.
Forensic Technician: That's true, we think he might have played guitar. [Monk holds the finger at an angle to approximate where a guitar-player would place it]
Adrian Monk: No, not guitar. It's at the wrong angle: he played the violin. [finds some sticky stuff on the finger] There's some residue. It's sticky.
Lt. Randall Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. Missing nine-fingered lumberjack. [starts writing in his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
Lt. Randall Disher: Should I put a list together?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Absolutely! Make sure you don't run out of paper.
Forensic Technician: It's not tree sap. We already ran it; the main component is abietic acid.
Adrian Monk: Abietic acid? It's violin rosin.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's pretty expensive rosin. It's for professionals.
Adrian Monk: So, professional - or at least, very serious - violinist, 25 years of age, who is missing.

Season 4[edit]

Mr. Monk and the Other Detective [4.01][edit]

[Entering his store, Harold receives a call on his cell phone]
Harold Gumbal: [answering] Yes?
Eddie Dial: [on the phone] How's it going, Harold?
Harold Gumbal: I'm in, I'm doing it.
Eddie Dial: Friendly reminder: don't be a hero. When we hear a police siren, Peggy's dead.
Harold Gumbal: Is she okay? Can I talk to her?
Eddie Dial: Just hurry up!
Harold Gumbal: No let me just talk to her! [Dial hangs up] Hello? [As Dial and Vic Blanchard wait patiently in their car, Harold unlocks his safe and empties it into the cloth bag he's carrying. When he's done loading the loot, he leaves the store and carries the jewels out to the car]
Vic Blanchard: Backseat. [Harold hands the jewels to Blanchard, sitting in the backseat with the dog]
Harold Gumbal: Let her go! You said you would! [Blanchard hands the dog through the window to Harold]
Vic Blanchard: Pleasure doin' business with you. Thanks for the car, Harold!
Harold Gumbal: [to Peggy] Come here, Peggy! [The mall security guard notices them]
Security Guard: Harold! Is everything all right?
Harold Gumbal: Paul? I'm OK, no problem! [The guard notices that Blanchard and Dial are wearing ski masks]
Security Guard: Get out of the car! Both of you! [draws his sidearm] Do it! [Dial takes his hands off the steering wheel. After a few moments, Blanchard opens his door]
Vic Blanchard: Okay! [takes off his mask] Happy Halloween, man. Just relax! [Blanchard draws a revolver and shoots the guard dead with three shots at long range]
Eddie Dial: What did you do?!
Vic Blanchard: No choice. They want me.
Eddie Dial: We could've just driven off! Get in the car! [Blanchard gets back into the car and closes the door]
Harold Gumbal: [cowering and shielding Peggy] I didn't see any car! I didn't see your face! Neither did Peggy!
Vic Blanchard: Don't move the car, okay? I'm not done. [He draws his revolver and points it at Harold]
Harold Gumbal: No! [Blanchard shoots Harold in the chest, and he falls to the ground. Peggy runs off]
[Monk can't concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody's waiting.
Adrian Monk: It's over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog... you know. Dog... doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she's crazy] If I stepped in it, I'd be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn't I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring!
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Marty Eels at his office]
Marty Eels: Monk, Monk, sit. Sit anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Oh that's okay, I'm not fine.
Marty Eels: [to Natalie] Did he just say he's not fine?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Marty Eels: So Captain, am I on the case, or what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, I have to ask you a couple of questions.
Marty Eels: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you yesterday morning at eight o'clock?
Marty Eels: You mean when the robbery was happening?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Marty Eels: You guys think I had something to do with it? Why? Because you can't keep up with me on a crime scene?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you, Marty?
Marty Eels: [pouring them coffee] I was at the hospital. Saint Andrew's. They thought I had a concussion.
Lt. Randall Disher: What happened?
Marty Eels: Well, it's kind of embarrassing. I, um, I got hit very hard by a client--hit me very hard. Yeah. Um, I--I was supposed to follow his wife and take pictures. [Marty hands them a file with photos of a terrified man and woman in bed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa! She was cheating on him.
Marty Eels: No, no. That's him. That's my client.
Natalie Teeger: You burst in and took a picture of a man in bed with his own wife?
Marty Eels: Yes I did. I made a mistake. I'm human! So the bottom line is that I was at the hospital when the jewelry thing was happening. You can call them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We will.
Marty Eels: Why is it so hard for you guys to believe that I'm just this good?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because, Marty, you were never this good before. In fact you sort of sucked.
[After Monk sees Marty's certificate]
Adrian Monk: Bay Area Center continuing education; is that a correspondence school?
Mary Eels: It's fully accredited...What school did you go to?
Adrian Monk: Berkeley.
Marty Eels: That's a good school....I believe they're fully accredited too.
[Monk believes that Marty has to be cheating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, sometimes when you're picking up clues, it seems like magic to me. Maybe he's doing something that--that you don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I think he's cheating! He's a cheater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
Adrian Monk: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
[Marty has found Harold Gumbal's body by using a tree branch and a dowsing rod]
Marty Eels: He was trying to tell us the name of the man who killed him. Look. [points using his tree branch] He's pointing to his watch.
Adrian Monk: No. He's not, Captain.
Marty Eels: Are there any perps who'd do a job like this by the name of--Casio?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Casio?
Marty Eels: Lefty? [thinks] Dial?
Lt. Randy Disher: Eddie Dial? He just did seven years in Fulsom Prison for kidnapping and bank robbery; he just made parole.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's check him out.

Mr. Monk Goes Home Again [4.02][edit]

Mary Gilstrap: I have to have a Neptune bar every night or else I can't sleep. Funny, isn't it? I guess we all have our little quirks.
Adrian Monk: [nonchanantly] Yes, I suppose we do...
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a cashier who saw the shooting]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier: I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [pausing] Yeah, I guess it does. [Disher scoots his chair over]
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [producing the killer's reciept] Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier: Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher: It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "Not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher: You think so?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
[At Ambrose's house]
Natalie Teeger: [looking at an old photo album, specifically, a photo of Jack, Sr. with a turtle] Is that your father?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, that's him and Ambrose.
Natalie Teeger: He named the turtle after you?
Ambrose Monk: He named me after the turtle.

Mr. Monk Stays in Bed [4.03][edit]

[Natalie's cell phone rings while she is talking to Julio Alvarez's boss]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, Mr. Monk, we were just talking about you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back here.
Natalie Teeger: I can't right now, Mr. Monk, I'm at the pizzeria talking to the manager.
Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: I think I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you do not have the Ebola virus.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure I do, I have all the symptoms, I have the headache, the fever, the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie Teeger: You have massive internal bleeding?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I believe I do, that is my opinion.
[Monk is in bed and Natalie brings him some soup.]
Monk: I see letters!
Natalie: It's alphabet soup.
[While Monk's in bed Stottlemeyer visits him.]
Stottlemeyer: [pointing to machine] What's this?
Monk: Humidifier.
Stottlemeyer: [Pointing to other machine] And this?
Monk: De-humidifier.
[long pause]
Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Monk: Exactly.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Office [4.04][edit]

[Monk sees two police officers conversing at a crime scene.]
Monk: [to Natalie] They're talking about football. I have that one! Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards.
Monk: Give me the cards.
[Natalie hands him the cards. Monk rummages through them.]
Monk: Let's see, weather, politics, movies, swear words...
Natalie: Swear words?
Monk: Here's football.
[He looks at the cards and approaches the officers.]
Monk: You guys are talking about the football game last night? The San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Police Officer #1: Yes, we know.
Monk: It was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turn-overs. They always comeback to haunt you.
Police Officer #2: Yeah, we were just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. Why didn't they take him out?
[Monk thinks for a moment and goes back to the cards. He returns to the police officers.]
Monk: That's true about quarterback Tim Rattay. But don't forget, he won 4 out of the 5 last home games.
Police Officer #2: But they were in Houston, Monk.
[Long pause.]
Monk: You guys want to hear some swear words?
[Chilton is not happy with the office cubicle that Monk has been put in]
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts! Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?

Mr. Monk Gets Drunk [4.05][edit]

[Monk tries to apologize once more to Sylvia Willis about the events of the previous year]
Sylvia Willis: We had a mystery weekend [last year], and we hired some actors who were going to act out a little murder.
Adrian Monk: I'm really, really sorry.
Sylvia Willis: It was supposed to be for three days, and everybody paid in advance for three days. And Adrian solved the case in, what was it, twelve minutes?
Adrian Monk: I knew that the general's daughter was lying about meeting Churchill because Churchill wasn't knighted until 1953, which meant that Reginald, the limping chauffeur who supplied her alibi, was also lying, so obviously they were lovers who were planning to kill the Sultan.
Sylvia Willis: Anyway, we had to refund everybody's money, but we learned our lesson: no more mysteries when Adrian Monk is in town.
Adrian Monk: Isn't this great? Just two guys in a revolving restaurant...
[Monk is trying to keep Al Nicoletto occupied, and due to a mixup, he has accidentally been given the full strength wine rather than the non-alcoholic wine]
Adrian Monk: You look like a moose. I think I'll call you... Mr. Look-Like-A-Moose.
[observing women standing in a barrel, crushing grapes]
Wine Expert: Wine stomping. It's a tradition that goes back thousands of years to the Greeks. We're one of the last wineries in California that at least makes some of their wines using this method.
Adrian Monk: Oh my God! People actually drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I think so.
Adrian Monk: Are they insane?! Ask her if they're insane!
[Monk is horrified, having found out how his favorite Cabernet is made]
Adrian Monk: I've been drinking that wine for fifteen years! It's foot wine! I can taste it!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, come on, you cannot taste it!
Adrian Monk: I... I... I... can. I can taste the feet now. And the toes. And what's between the toes.
Al Nicoletto: And the fungus. It really is barbaric.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I didn't see any fungus! Look, I'm sure they have clean feet, there are probably rules about that stuff! [She trails off as the grape stompers walk past them, stepping barefoot across the muddy ground] Okay, I admit it, that's pretty disgusting.

Mr. Monk and Mrs. Monk [4.06][edit]

[Monk is in shock when faced with evidence that his wife Trudy faked her own death.]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I'm not going to believe anything until I hear it from you. Is Trudy alive?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But if it's true, then nothing is true. If this is true, nothing is true.
Adrian Monk: I got her back. For an hour and a half. I thought she might be alive. I had hope. Isn't hope the worst?
Lt. Randall Disher: If we were both drowning, who would you save?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, both of you.
Lt. Randall Disher: No. If you could only save one of us?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I would probably save Monk because he can't swim and I happen to know you're an excellent swimmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Suppose I was holding an anchor? . . . Who would you save then?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, why don't you let go of the anchor?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a family heirloom.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm leaving. [walks out]

Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding [4.07][edit]

[Randy's birthday cake has been wrapped in cellophane, which Monk calls a "spittle shield"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, Lieutenant. [A few seconds go by. Randy blows out the candles, and the cellophane catches on fire. Randy makes a futile attempt at fanning out the flames as they spread across the desk. Suddenly, Stottlemeyer puts the flames out with a fire extinguisher in firing stance]
Adrian Monk: [as Randy looks dumbstruck at the burnt remains of his cake] Hey, happy birthday.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.
[after Randy offers to be Natalie's date to the wedding]
Natalie Teeger: Hey, is Greenberg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he married her.
Lt. Randall Disher: Actually I have my own tuxedo.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, what about that B&E suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'd be honored if you met my family.
[Natalie hands Randy an invitation to her brother's wedding]
Lt. Randall Disher: Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie Teeger: He's my brother.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "You're always kissably fresh with Davenport," like the toothpaste.
Natalie Teeger: Um, actually, not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.
Adrian Monk: [laughs] What?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Get out of here!
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait a minute. [produces a tube of Davenport toothpaste] This is you?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Why didn't you ever tell us?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes with them, you'd understand. I kept Mitch's name for a reason. I don't want any part of them or that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So I guess you're kind of loaded, huh?
Natalie Teeger: [scoffs] They are. They wouldn't offer me a nickel and I wouldn't take it if they did. [beat] This doesn't change anything, does it? [Monk and Stottlemeyer exchange looks]
Adrian Monk: Well, why would it? You're still Natalie. You're still "you", and we're still "us".
[Stottlemeyer is checking in on Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, listen, I've got to get going. You're okay, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. You don't have to check in on me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I do. I promised Natalie that I would and I swore on my mother's eyes.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm not a baby. I'll be fine, here.....alone....all day here.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You got something to drink?
Adrian Monk: It's in the fridge. [Stottlemeyer walks over to the kitchen] There's a chart on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need the chart, Monk. [Stottlemeyer pours himself a glass of orange juice] Hey, I wonder how Natalie and Randy are doing. I love weddings. Did you know that I met Karen at a wedding? I love weddings anyway.
[He sees Monk sulking at the dining room table]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know who had a great wedding? [Monk raises his head] You did. You and Trudy. Now that was a great day. [Monk forces a smile] Where's that photo album?
[Stottlemeyer walks across to the living room and finds Monk's wedding album. He opens it to a photo of Monk and Trudy]
Adrian Monk: She was...wow.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
[Stottlemeyer talks to Randy as he lies on the gurney]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy, son, did you see who was driving the car? Did you see--can you ID the driver?
Lt. Randall Disher: [weakly] Silver Volvo.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no, Randy, we've got the car. It's right here. Did you see who was driving it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: I got the license plate.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need the license plate, Randy. I'm looking right at it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Four, "P"aul, C for "Charles"- [The paramedics load Randy into the ambulance]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's going to be okay, right?
Paramedic: Yeah. Painkillers.
Natalie Teeger: How's he doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Broken arm, broken leg. Probably a couple of broken ribs. Suitcase took most of the blow; it could've been a lot worse.
Natalie Teeger: Can he identify the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He can't identify me! I'll try again later. [to Monk] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running, and the humidity is what, about 70%? So that car was idling right here for about twenty minutes. [points to a spot on the ground]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks here, he must have peeled out at full speed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So what, he didn't even try to brake, or make the turn. [realizes what Monk is implying] Son-of-a-bitch! [to Natalie] What happened?! He was only here for an hour! Did he piss somebody off?!
Natalie Teeger: No!
Adrian Monk: [produces an evidence bag] And we found this, on the floor of the car, near the gas pedal. It's some kind of green mud.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'll get that to the lab right away.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Like hell it's not! [Lieutenant Bristo approaches]
Lt. Bristo: She's right, Captain. It's my backyard. [Bristo shakes Stottlemeyer's hand] Lieutenant Bristo, Monterey County Police.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How are you doing?
Lt. Bristo: Don't worry, you'll be copied on every statement. Where are you staying?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, right here, I guess. [points to Monk] This is Adrian Monk. He'll be staying here, too.
Adrian Monk: Uhh, I don't think so.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [firmly] He'll be staying here, too.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'll be staying here, too.
Lt. Bristo: Well the car's registered to a Margaret Davenport.
Natalie Teeger: Margaret Davenport? [looks at the registration] That's Aunt Madge.
Lt. Bristo: OK, Aunt Madge. She said somebody took the keys out of her coat pocket, which was in her cloakroom. She was busy putting up decorations.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So it wasn't her, but you know exactly where to look.
Adrian Monk: And what car was hers? There's no Volvo markings on that key.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that could've been anybody. An employee, uh-
Lt. Bristo: I don't think so. I just talked to the manager. There was a staff meeting in progress. Nobody was missing. [Everyone gives accusing looks at Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: What? You're saying somebody in my family did this? No.
[Monk and Natalie notice Stottlemeyer using a camera to take pictures of the guests]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Taking pictures. I overheard your mother say that the wedding photographer didn't show up, so I volunteered. I borrowed this from one of the, uh, crime tech guys.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why? Because Randy says that he thinks he might be able to identify the driver.
Adrian Monk: Did he get a good look at him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Male, Caucasian, medium build, red baseball cap, sunglasses. I figured I'd take some pictures, get them developed tonight, and maybe we'll get lucky.
Natalie Teeger: Wait. You're undercover at my brother's wedding?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Look, I'm doing you a favor. It's either this or we take everybody upstairs one at a time. Smile! [Monk and Natalie smile as Stottlemeyer snaps a photo of them]
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at the body fished from the hotel mud bath]
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lieutenant Bristo: So far he's John Doe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that is the same green mud you found in the car.
Natalie Teeger: Is he the driver?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least thirty-six hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer! The one that's been missing.
Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it in other photographers. [Stottlemeyer chuckles and shares a look with Bristo]
Lieutenant Bristo: I'm glad he's on our team. Well if you're right and he's local, he probably has a studio in town. I'll get a search warrant.
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
[Monk and Natalie are approached by Stottlemeyer, who has just searched Theresa Scott's room and found a trash bag]
Natalie Teeger: You broke into her room? Is that legal?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't need a search warrant to go into a hotel room if it's after checkout.
Adrian Monk: Is that true?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: What've you got? [Stottlemeyer pulls a cap out of the trash bag] Red baseball cap. [Stottlemeyer grabs a shoe from the trash bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ta-da.
Adrian Monk: Green mud.
Natalie Teeger: All right, let's arrest her. [She starts to walk back into the reception room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no! Natalie! Natalie! We can't get her on this!
Natalie Teeger: Come on, we have to do something! They're honeymooning in Mexico; they're going to leave any minute-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If Randy can ID her as Darlene Coolidge, then we've got her. I'm going to go see if I can wake him up. Keep her here. Don't let her leave!
[On orders to keep Theresa distracted while Stottlemeyer gets Randy, Monk steps up on the dais and begins clinking a glass]
Adrian Monk: Jonathan? Theresa? I just wanted to say a few words. [He thinks for a moment] I....well the truth is I don't really know either of you very well. But I do know a couple of things about marriage. My wife Trudy used to say that marriage is 90% love, and 10% forgiveness. She was married to me, so she was sort of an expert in forgiveness. [chuckles from the crowd; Monk forces an embarrassed smile] It's a true story.
[Stottlemeyer rousts Randy from his bed and carrying him out of his room]
Adrian Monk: Anyway, I'd to thank all of you for...coming. And I think I speak on--on behalf of Bobby and Peggy.
Peggy Davenport: No. Uh, no, actually, you're not.
Adrian Monk: And um, Jonathan and--and--and Theresa, I--I, uh, know you want to take a minute now, and just say thank you to our wonderful waiters and waitresses.
Natalie Teeger: Yes. Yes, absolutely. [She claps, and the rest of room joins in applause]
Adrian Monk: You know who's here, though, is, uh, Julie Teeger. [to Julie] Come up here, Julie! Come on up here, please. [to the crowd] Julie, you know, is, uh, of course, Jonathan's niece. [Julie hesitates] Come--come-come on! She has had to memorize a poem for-for school, and she would like to recite it for you now, in honor of Jonathan and Theresa. Julie Teeger[, ladies and gentlemen]. [Monk steps aside from the microphone to let Julie speak] Come on, Julie. Come on, girl.
Julie Teeger: Father William by Lewis Carroll. "You are old, Father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white."
[Stottlemeyer is carrying Randy through the lobby and accidentally spills some guests' drinks as he passes]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry!
Julie Teeger: "And yet you incessantly stand on your head. Do you think, at your age, it is right?" [Julie steps away from the mike, to light applause]
Adrian Monk: "Do you think at your age, this is right". That always gets me.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher run into a bellman's dolly, knocking all of the suitcases on it over]
Adrian Monk: When I was just a lad [Theresa gives Julie a small hug]...well, not a lad, but more of a young fella...[Stottlemeyer is now wheeling Randy on the dolly]...Well, adolescent. A teenager, really.
[Theresa takes Jonathan by the arm and starts to lead him out, when...]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hang on! [Stottlemeyer barges in and Randy falls off the dolly in front of Theresa and Jonathan]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Darlene. Long time, no see! [Stottlemeyer leans down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this her?
Lt. Randall Disher: [points a finger at Theresa with his left hand] Darlene Coolidge. We lost track of you back in Seattle in 2001, but by then, her name was Phyllis Gaffney, and she was already on husband #3. He lasted five and a half weeks. You really must've loved him. [Theresa grabs a cake knife]
Jonathan Davenport: What's he talking about-[Theresa puts the knife to his throat]
Peggy Davenport: What are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, OK, don't do anything stupid!
Theresa Scott: I told you we should've eloped. [to Bobby] Hey, dad! You have a private jet?
Bobby Davenport: It's a company jet!
Theresa Scott: I want it fueled and ready to go in twenty minutes! [Natalie twists Theresa's knife hand, causing her to drop the knife, then pushes her to the floor and puts a foot on her chest]
Natalie Teeger: Stay away from our family! We have enough problems!

Mr. Monk and Little Monk [4.08][edit]

Sherry Judd: Adrian helped me out of a jam when we were young. Was that 30 years ago?
Adrian Monk: April 12, 1972.
Sherry Judd: You remember?
Adrian Monk: I only remember the date... and what everybody wore, and what everybody said, and what everybody did.
Mrs. Monk: Adrian!
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, everybody's watching.
Mrs. Monk: Here's your lunch. It's cut into ten little squares, just like we like. And here's your first aid kit, and your toiletries bag.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom...
Mrs. Monk: You'll thank me later. Don't share your lunch with anyone, and sit near the fire doors. I'll pick you up at 3:07, I'll be wearing an orange blouse.
Young Adrian Monk: Mom, I know what you look like. I love you, Mom.
[He opens his arms to hug her.]
Mrs. Monk: What are you doing?
Young Adrian: Right, sorry.
[He puts down one of his bags and gives her a brisk handshake.]
Natalie Teeger: What was he like? As a kid?
Sherry Judd: Pretty much the same. Careful, smart... sad.
Mrs. Ledsky: Here, take this one. I made it with exactly ten chocolate chips, like you like.
Adrian: [bites the cookie] You're an excellent cook, Mrs. Ledsky.
Mrs. Ledsky: It's a gift... [hand to her stomach] And a curse.
[Monk and Sherry Judd look at a painting in an art gallery]
Sherry Judd: I love this one - look at their faces. I wonder what they're thinking.
Adrian Monk: She is planning to murder him.
Sherry Judd: What?
Adrian Monk: She's about to feed him Amanita mushrooms - you can tell by the little white spots. It's a deadly poison.
Sherry Judd: Well maybe she doesn't know?
Adrian Monk: She knows. He's been hitting her. She's swollen. See the bruises on her arms and her left eye? She knows what she's doing. [pause]
Sherry Judd: It must be hard, to be you - to see everything.
Adrian Monk: It's awful.

Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa [4.09][edit]

Julie Teeger: I've never seen the snow. Is it beautiful?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. It's beautiful. You know, no two snowflakes are alike... and it's still beautiful.
[Terry is putting up a "MERRY CHRISTMAS" banner, which is slightly askew]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terry, hey! That's not straight. The left side is too low.
Det. Terry Chasen: It's good enough.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, it's not. Adrian Monk is coming.
Det. Terry Chasen: Ah, hell. Okay.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You looking forward to our little party?
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Uh, I guess so. How long do these things usually go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Last year, Karen and I left at about 2:30 AM and Terry - Detective Chasen - was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me, Rhonda" in Spanish.
Det. Terry Chasen: That's a lie! I don't speak Spanish!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yes, you do!
Cpl. Alice Westergren: Oh, and, uh, this came for you. Someone dropped it off at the front desk. [hands Stottlemeyer the bottle of port]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the card attached to the bottle] "Captain Leland Stottlemeyer." [opens it] "Captain Stottlemeyer, thank you for your business. Eastwood Auto Supply." You know what this is, Alice? This is a bribe. Somebody is trying to influence public policy, and I think it might work.
[Disher is tuning up Stottlemeyer's guitar]
Lt. Randall Disher: I used to have a rock band back in high school. The Randy Disher Project.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's a good name. How'd you come up with that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, my name's Randy... Disher, and then... Project.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [after Monk gives him an air purifier] Do you um, know what eBay is?
Adrian Monk: eBay? No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
[Stottlemeyer takes Monk to the parking lot where Prager tried to kill him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Four months ago, it was a Tuesday night, I came out of a bar, around 2:30. [flashback to Stottlemeyer leaving that bar] They took my keys, so I'm walking home. [flashback ends] There was-there was a big black van here, he was waiting behind it. [points to a space occupied by a vintage car] Must've been parked here all night. [In flashback, Prager steps out from behind the van] He steps out. I'm standing right about where you are now. I knew who it was right away: it was Frank Prager, and he wanted me dead. I could see it in his eyes. [Stottlemeyer, in flashback, sees Prager's cold vengeful glare. Suddenly Prager brings up a pistol and fires five shots at Stottlemeyer, but Stottlemeyer ducks behind a car, but by the time he brings up his sidearm, Prager has vanished] He aims a Glock 17 at my head, caps off five rounds. And then he just disappeared. Until last night.
Adrian Monk: And they just left the bullet holes?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well it's probably good for business at this place. It adds to the mystique.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer have viewed the scene where Frank Prager fired at Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: Maybe he's home for Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I can't go near the place! The um, the wife filed a complaint against me. Said I had been harassing her.
Adrian Monk: Why would she say that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhh, probably because I'd been harassing her. [points his finger at Monk] She's never seen you.
[Monk is undercover as a store Santa, while Natalie is his elf]
Natalie Teeger: Shhh! Okay, everybody listen up, okay? We have some new rules here in Santa's workshop. Before anybody can sit on Santa's lap, you have to use these magic wipes, and wipe your hands. Yay! Wiping is fun! [She turns to Santa Monk, who gestures to his face] And no touching Santa's face. And--and try not to breath on Santa. Remember, Santa isn't always jolly. Sometimes, Santa's a little bit sad. OK, who's first?
[the SFPD has come to arrest Frank Prager, who is hiding in a church]
Sister Heather: Captain Stottlemeyer, I'm Sister Heather.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hi, sister. You know why I'm here, right?
Sister Heather: Yes. He's here; he's in the sanctuary. He's very frightened. You think he tried to murder you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am, I do.
Sister Heather: You obviously have very strong feelings about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're godda- Yes, I do.
Sister Heather: I just want to make sure that Brad isn't mistreated.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brad's not his name.
Sister Heather: You're right, I don't know his real name, but I know the man. He's been working in our outreach program. He's been feeding the hungry and the homeless every night. When they're too tired to come here, he brings food to them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he has a guilty conscience.
Sister Heather: Well, any conscience at all is a rare thing these days. What do you want, Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I want justice.
Sister Heather: Well, he's afraid that you want something else. He's afraid you and the other policemen want...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Revenge.
Sister Heather: My father once taught me an important lesson: "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Your father?
Sister Heather: He's your father, too.

Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show [4.10][edit]

[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking over the evidence from the Clea Vance murder case at the crime lab]
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: The dead model, right? I remember this case; I did the work on this one myself. Is there any new evidence?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Monk met the killer's mother.
Lt. Randall Disher: She's a shirt inspector.
Natalie Teeger: She swears he's innocent.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, I know. That's the toughest part of the job: the mothers crying and pleading. That's one thing I'm not going to miss!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where are you going?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Didn't you hear? I'm retiring! There's a party for me on Friday if you want to come.
Lt. Randall Disher: Cool, absolutely! I'm there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're retiring? How old are you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: 46.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] Did you win the lottery?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: No, I've been investing. Real estate. What have you been doing with your savings?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhhhhhhhhh, eating. You know, I need to talk to my accountant.
Natalie Teeger: What, you have an accountant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. I'm going to have to go find an accountant, then I'm going to talk to him.
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong with this picture. [He's looking at the crime scene photo of Clea Vance's body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But it's something. [Natalie picks up the evidence bag containing Clea Vance's shoes]
Natalie Teeger: So these are her shoes?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: That's right. See this blood, and this hair and these fibers? They all belong to Pablo Ortiz. It's a slam dunk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I don't see any wiggle room here. Do you?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Nah, we got the right man. People lie. People lie all the time, but DNA? Tsk, it never lies.
Adrian Monk: I'm thinking--I'm thinking maybe he's not the guy.
Natalie Teeger: You see there's this exit door-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I heard about the exit door.
Adrian Monk: Right there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, I'd follow you anywhere but I've got four cases on my plate right now. But you have fun. Knock yourself out. Thanks, Gordo.
Lt. Randall Disher: See you at the party! [Stottlemeyer and Disher depart while Monk and Natalie continue to look at the file]
Adrian Monk: Here's the statement from that Natasia Zorelle. She was the victim's roommate. Let's start with her. [Randy comes back in to grab the magazine he'd left behind]
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you just say you were, uh, going to go and talk to Natasia Zorelle?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The supermodel? [Randy holds up the magazine cover, on which there is a picture of Natasia modeling a swimsuit]
Adrian Monk: Is that her?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at the cover] Yeah, actually, I've got the rest of the day off. I should probably go with you guys.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, I think I'll come along, too. In the interest of, uh...
Natalie Teeger: Justice?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Justice.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Hodge's fashion house to talk to him. Hodge advances on Natalie]
Julian Hodge: If you're going to rob me, you should bring a gun.
Natalie Teeger: Pardon me?
Julian Hodge: The blouse. It's a knock-off of one of my designs.
Natalie Teeger: Oh. It is? I didn't know.
Julian Hodge: Of course. That's not the real crime. The real crime is how you look in it.
Natalie Teeger: [after Hodge insults her outfit] He did it!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, he's not even a suspect!
Natalie Teeger: Damn!
[Natalie, wearing a black dress and sunglasses, approaches Randy, who is standing with one foot on a rock, his elbow on his knee, and his head on his fist, gazing off over the water]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: Standing. This is how I stand. What are you wearing?
Natalie Teeger: Clothes. This is how I dress.
Lt. Randall Disher: This is how I stand.
Natalie Teeger: This is how I dress.
[Natasia Zorelle has been discovered dead in her apartment. Gordo is dusting a glass for fingerprints when Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher come in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How's it look, Gordo?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Oh, looks like suicide. Smells like suicide. Primary's on suicide. [points to some bottles lying next to the body] She drained two of those bottles and around 30 sleeping pills.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were those prescription?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Probably not.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] We'll check with her doctor. Make a note.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'll remember. [Randy is wearing an expensive suit, due to Hodge's comment about his attitude getting way over his head]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's your notebook?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I didn't bring it. It's an Italian suit, it was ruining the lining. But don't worry. [points to his head] I'll remember it. [He gazes at a mirror and tries to readjust the lining. Natalie steps in front of him and blocks his view]
Natalie Teeger: Am I in your way?
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: [to Monk] She probably got depressed after you spoke to her. All those memories about the murder bubbling up.
Adrian Monk: You know, I don't think so. One set of fingerprints on the glass.
Howard "Gordo" Gordon: Well yeah, they're hers.
Adrian Monk: But look. She's wearing lipstick. There's no lipstick on the glass. Somebody wiped down the glass, and then put it back in her hand. [Stottlemeyer turns]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: O-K! This is now a homicide investigation! Lock this joint down, nobody touches anything! [turning to Randy] Fabio! Go and borrow a notebook, and borrow a pencil, and start talking to neighbors!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what do you think it means?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that your boss scared somebody.
[Monk and Natalie are observing Julie before the rehearsal for Hodge's show]
Natalie Teeger: She looks beautiful, doesn't she? Too beautiful. Sometimes I wish she had a big old fat ugly wart right here. [points to her forehead]
Adrian Monk: [puts his finger right above the bridge of Natalie's nose] Maybe here.
[Monk and Natalie cut in line trying to get into Julian Hodge's fashion show while searching for Julie.]
Adrian Monk: I'm on the list.
Security guard: Name?
Adrian Monk: Puff Daddy, plus 1.
Adrian Monk: [during the show] Natalie! Don't eat the food back there. I just saw two of the models throwing up!
[Julian Hodge has been arrested for murder and he is being led away in handcuffs]
Julian Hodge: [to Natalie] So, it's true what they say, huh? You can never judge a person by how they dress.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let me tell you about what you're going to be wearing. I hope you like orange. It's a little jumpsuit thing, it has a number right here. You can wear it anywhere, really. Indoors, walking around the yard...

Mr. Monk Bumps His Head [4.11][edit]

[Disher tells Natalie that Monk has been found in Wyoming, where a trucker dropped him off.]
Natalie: Are they sure it's really him?
Lt. Disher: The trucker gave him a five dollar bill, the guy kept smoothing it out.
Natalie: He's alive!
Monk: [surrounded by bees] Could you do me a favor? Could you kill me, please?

Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage [4.12][edit]

[Stottlemeyer returns home after having punched a cop]
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, what are you doing here? Did something happen? [Leland points an accusing finger at her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's supposed to be ninety-nine degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer Method. It's very therapeutic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can't breathe.
[Stottlemeyer wants Monk to follow his wife]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I really need to know. I'd do it myself, but the chief says I need to go to this anger management class, which really pisses me off! I knocked out a tooth. One tooth. It's not like I killed the guy!
Adrian Monk: Who was that clown? I've never seen him before.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ryan Sharkey, Jr. He's a motorcycle cop. He just transferred in from Mendocino.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you pulled his file?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You bet I did. He's a real hotshot. He has a couple of big arrests. He's been cited for bravery twice. And I hear he's a real lady's man.
Natalie Teeger: You want some advice? Just forget what he said. Just forget it! Just go home and hug your wife-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't want any more advice! I want to know where Karen is going this afternoon.
Adrian Monk: What if she sees us? She's going to know that you asked us to follow her! Wouldn't that be worse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Worse than not knowing? Isn't it killing you, not knowing what happened to Trudy? [Monk rubs his forehead] How many times have I asked you for a favor?
Adrian Monk: 103. Counting this, 104.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How many times have I said "please"?
Adrian Monk: [sighs] Okay.
[Monk and Natalie are following Karen]
Natalie Teeger: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Uh, forever. Karen and Leland? And they've never had one thing in common. I remember... this one weekend he went hunting. She stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
Natalie Teeger: It's hard when people get married that young, you know? They grow older. They change.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Not me.
Natalie Teeger: Well I know not you, but people.
[Natalie is about to touch Devo, Gerald Vengal's pet]
Natalie Teeger: He's actually kinda cute. [leans forward to pet it]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him! Later on, when we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.
[The police are conducting a lineup, with Gerald Vengal in the observation room with Randy and someone from the D.A.'s office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Gerald, this is Mr. Hoffman from the district attorney's office. [He sees that Gerald looks nervous] Just relax. It's one way glass. They won't even know you're here. [to Mr. Hoffman] You ready?
Mr. Hoffman: Yeah?
Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] OK, send them in.
[The five volunteers - three plainclothes detectives for positions 1, 3, and 5, Ryan Sharkey for position 4, and Michael Karpov for position 2, file in]
Gerald Vengal: That--that's him! That's the guy! [to little Devo] You--you recognize him, don't you, Devo? He---He-
Mr. Hoffman: Wait-wait-wait! Don't say anything. We have to do this by the book. We have to wait until they all step forward.
[Upstairs, Stottlemeyer comes out of his office with a photo of Karen in a file folder and approaches a detective working at his desk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, do you know where Ryan Sharkey's at?
Detective: He's downstairs in the lineup.
[Downstairs, the first volunteer has just stepped forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Number 2, step forward.
[Michael Karpov steps forward, just as Stottlemeyer opens the door to the lineup gallery with a #6 card. Randy looks momentarily confused, but presses on]
Lt. Randall Disher: Turn to your left. [Karpov turns to his left] Thank you.
[Karpov gets back in position while Stottlemeyer takes the #3 card from the detective who is Number 3, and gives him the Number 6 card. That detective moves to the Number 6 position, while Stottlemeyer is now on Sharkey's right]
Lt. Randall Disher: Number 3, step forward. [Stottlemeyer steps forward, then shows Monk's photo to Sharkey]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is that you?
Sgt. Ryan Sharkey, Jr.: [chuckles] You're pathetic.
Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] Thank you. Number 4, step forward.
[Sharkey steps forward. Randy is about to tell Sharkey to turn to one side when Stottlemeyer starts playing with his yoyo]
Lt. Randall Disher: Number 3, please put the yoyo away. [Stottlemeyer re-wounds the yoyo] Number 4, turn to your right. [Sharkey does so] Thank you.
[Stottlemeyer suddenly chucks his yoyo at Sharkey's forehead]
Sgt. Ryan Sharkey, Jr.: What's your problem, buddy?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're my problem! [He shoves Stottlemeyer back and the other detectives immediately move in, trying to break up the fight]
Lt. Randall Disher: Number 4, please let go of Number 3! Number 5, stop kicking! Number 2, step forward! Ouch. Number 3, please let go of Number 4 and step forward!
[Monk and Natalie enter the observation room]
Adrian Monk: How's it going?
Lt. Randall Disher: [on mike] Please stop. Stop! Stop, please! Please let go of Number 3! [Sharkey is thrown back against Karpov]
Michael Karpov: Whoa, sergeant! [Stottlemeyer is suddenly thrown in the direction of the one-way mirror and the blinds come down]
Gerald Vengal: Wait-wait-wait, he's in there! The killer's in there!
Mr. Hoffman: Oh I'm sure he is, Mr. Vengal, but it doesn't matter. The lineup is busted. [He leaves the observation room while the sounds of struggling can still be heard behind the mirror]

Mr. Monk and the Big Reward [4.13][edit]

[Randy is questioning security guard Warren Landis about where he was during the robbery]
Warren Landis: I want to help you guys. I really do, but they've questioned me three times.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not just you, Mr. Landis. We're talking to all the guards, cleaning staff, curators; anybody who was at the museum.
Warren Landis: Yeah, but I haven't been home yet!
Lt. Randall Disher: And I appreciate that. We just need your official statement, and you're free to go. So for the record, where were you during the robbery?
Warren Landis: OK, for the tenth time, I was at my station on the main floor. I *never* left. I didn't even go to the bathroom.
Lt. Randall Disher: And you didn't hear anything unusual?
Warren Landis: No, sir. I was three floors away.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. [noticing Monk and Natalie] Excuse me for a second. Can I get you something to drink?
[Randy walks over to the cooler where Monk and Natalie are standing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Nat.
Adrian Monk: What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: What? You haven't heard? Robbery at the MacMillan Museum. It was big, big! The Alexander Diamond.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa!
Lt. Randall Disher: I know "whoa"! Robbery division asked us to help out, so we're taking statements from everybody on site.
Adrian Monk: So you're not arresting him about the drugs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, what drugs?
Adrian Monk: His fingertips are stained. It looks like red phosphorus. You get that from making crystal meth. He's got to have a lab somewhere.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, I'll check it out. [turns to Landis] Excuse me, Mr. Landis! Can you come here, please? [to Monk and Natalie] If the Captain needs me, I'll be in Interrogation Room B. [Randy leaves with Landis to head to the interrogation room. Monk sees Natalie glowering at him]
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: You know "what"! You just solved that case for free!
Adrian Monk: What was I supposed to do?
Natalie Teeger: Well if you're selling ice cream, would you hand out free scoops?
Adrian Monk: Well, what was I supposed to say? "Hey, lieutenant, there's a drug dealer somewhere in this room. I'll tell you who it is for twenty dollars"?
Natalie Teeger: At least we'd have twenty dollars!
[Monk and Natalie see Stottlemeyer come out of his office]
Natalie Teeger: All right, there's the captain. Remember, you deserve a raise. You deserve it!
Adrian Monk: OK, when you're right, you're right. [They walk over to a filing cabinet that Stottlemeyer is approaching] Okay, Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. What are you doing here?
Adrian Monk: Captain, I have to talk to you about something.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can it wait?
Adrian Monk: OK, well we'll come back.
[Monk starts to walk away, but Natalie grabs him by the arm]
Adrian Monk: OK we're back. And.....Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: [sighs] Captain-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If this is about money, forget about it, we're broke. The department is strapped. We just, uh, got another hiring freeze.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, we haven't had a new case in three weeks!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, you're right. There hasn't been a major homicide in a long time. But you've got to keep your hopes up. Stay optimistic.
Adrian Monk: [laughs] OK, well thank you very much.
Natalie Teeger: OK, Captain, come on! We just can't sit around waiting for the phone to ring! It's not fair to us! We have no security.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you want me to do?
Natalie Teeger: We want to be put on retainer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [scoffs] What?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, retainer. Like a lawyer. We want a guaranteed income. Look, it doesn't have to be much. We just need a little security.
Adrian Monk: Just a...[gestures with his finger "little"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [thinks for a moment] OK, I'll see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up, okay? Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Ummmmm, it's about Gladys.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Have you been talking to Gladys?
Adrian Monk: Captain-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I told you not to talk to Gladys!
Adrian Monk: She's not cleaning under the tables again!
[From offscreen, Gladys Menchen chucks a sponge at Monk, which hits the window instead and slides down]
Adrian Monk: I think you should talk to her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I will. About her aim.
[Monk and Natalie see the security guard being led out of the squad room in handcuffs]
Lt. Randall Disher: Get him downstairs. [Monk and Natalie approach him] You were right. I get this guy in the room. He's denying everything. He's twitching, he's nervous. I threaten to get a search warrant and tear his house apart. I pick up the phone, I start to dial, he collapses! He gave it all up: crystal meth lab in his basement. Narcotics is on their way over. I owe you one. [Randy leaves]
Adrian Monk: OK! [He sees Natalie glaring at him] What?
Natalie Teeger: You know "what"!
Adrian Monk: Oh. What, the thing about the ice cream and the free scoops?
Natalie Teeger: That's right.
[Rufus pulls up to the MacMillan Museum in a van and hops out with some tulips]
Inspector St. Clare: Excuse me! Any suspects, yet?
Rufus: I wouldn't know. I'm just delivering flowers.
Inspector St. Clare: No you're not. You're a private detective, like me.
Rufus: [scoffs] Me, a detective? That's uh, very funny by the way! I can't wait to tell the guys-
Inspector St. Clare: Look, you're selling it to me! That satellite dish on your roof, the number on the side - "555" - obviously a fake. Now conclusion number 1: you're after the Alexander Diamond. Conclusion number 2: you haven't got a prayer. [Dirk, a motorcycle rider, wheels in and parks his motorcycle in a handicap space]
Rufus: Excuse me! That's a handicap spot!
Dirk: It's okay. I'm psychotic. Is this where they stole the rock?
Inspector St. Clare: You judging me?
Dirk: Not anymore.
[The day after Jennie Mandeville confesses to stealing a pen from a bank, she comes back and confesses to accidentally killing her roommate and dumping his body]
Lt. Randall Disher: Jenny, what did you do with the body?
Jenny Mandeville: I flushed it down the toilet. [Realizing that this is another false "confession", Randy switches off the tape recorder]
Lt. Randall Disher: Was Tony a goldfish?
Jenny Mandeville: A hamster.
[Stottlemeyer reads the coroner's report to Monk and Natalie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's the coroner's report. Victim's name: Danny Chasen, it's probably an alias. The victim was poisoned. Somebody spiked his all-natural barley tea with ammonia.
Adrian Monk: Was he part of the heist?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like it. They found some hair samples in that rolltop desk at the museum that matched the body.
Natalie Teeger: Where's the diamond?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still missing in action. Wasn't on him or in the cabin.
Adrian Monk: We know he had a partner, somebody who works at the museum. It's probably still with him.
Natalie Teeger: Wait-wait-wait. So the reward is still good, right? I mean, no one's claimed it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes. As far as I know, the offer is still good.
Natalie Teeger: Ka-ching!
Adrian Monk: [sighs] Could you make her stop saying that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his hands] This is no longer a parlor game. A man is dead. This is a homicide investigation now, which means nobody is to withold any information from anybody.
Natalie Teeger: [noticing Monk and Stottlemeyer giving her accusatory looks] What? Are you looking at me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I am, Miss Teeger.
Jenny Mandeville: [to Randy] So am I in trouble?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, not this time, miss. But listen, if you feeling like finding someone to confess to, you should call a priest. [to an officer] Would you escort Miss Mandeville out? [Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer come out of the Captain's office. Disher turns to them]
Adrian Monk: Who is she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Looney Tune of the Month. Her name's uh, Jennie Mandeville. She keeps on coming in here and confessing to stuff.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it this time?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, she comes in, same as yesterday. Says she accidentally killed her roommate. So I take her into the back room and I turn on the tape recorder - Turns out her roommate was a hamster.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] She didn't look unstable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They never do.

Mr. Monk and the Astronaut [4.14][edit]

Natalie: [after convincing both Monk and Steve Wagner to speak at Julie's school] I'm gonna be class mom of the year!
Monk: I'm half-man, half-wuss. I'm a muss.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist [4.15][edit]

Lyrics to "Don't Need a Badge"

I'm tired of suckin' up.
I'm tired of suckin' up and workin' for The Man.
Keepin' people down 'cause the Law book says I can.
Cuff my brothers and sisters, oh, it's not the way to be.
But, Honey, those days are gone, 'cause, Baby, I am free.
Chorus
Well, I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right.
I don't need a badge to tell me day from night.
I don't need a badge 'cause my eyes can see.
I don't need a badge 'cause, Baby, I am free.
It's been a long, long time cleanin' up the streets.
Now Papa's got a new gig, he's got a brand new beat.
It's called rock 'n' roll, and, Baby, I hold the key.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
Chorus
Well, I'm feelin' real fed up, so you'd better be aware.
I'm done with all your rules, 'cause, man, I ain't no square.
Music is my savior, with that you must agree.
This guitar here's my badge and music set me free.
Well I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
This guitar here's my badge.
Rock 'n' roll set me free.
This guitar here's my badge.
You better not try to take it from me.
Well I don't need a gun to make me feel strong.
I don't need a captain shootin' me down all day long.
I don't need your moustache, don't you condescend to me.
I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
No, I don't need nobody 'cause, Baby, I am free.
[first lines; an armored car is making its way down the street]
Armored Car Driver #1: We're ahead of schedule.
Armored Car Driver #2: That's a first time.
Armored Car Driver #1: Wanna grab some coffee?
Armored Car Driver #2: Nah, I've gotta get home. We're meeting the wedding planner.
Armored Car Driver #1: I thought that was last night.
Armored Car Driver #2: No, last night was the caterer.
Armored Car Driver #1: Should've taken my advice, man: should've just eloped. [They come up behind a semi truck at a red light in a deserted part of the city]
Armored Car Driver #2: Yeah well it's too late now.
Armored Car Driver #1: No it's not. You can do it: hop on a plane tonight, go to Vegas, it's over.
Armored Car Driver #2: Rachel's mom would never speak to me again.
Armored Car Driver #1: That's the best argument to do it. I've been trying to get my mother-in-law to shut up for five years.
[The back doors of the semi are opened and men come out, pointing hunting rifles at the drivers]
Armored Car Driver #1: Whoa, what's this?
Armored Car Driver #2: What the hell are they doing?
[An orange garbage truck comes up and crashes into the rear of the armored car and shoves it into the back of the semi truck]
[Randy is at Dr. Oliver Bloom's office]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, Mr. Disher. I'm Oliver Bloom. Don't get up, I'm kidding. You're a Lieutenant, right?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I can usually guess within one rank. I see a lot of cops who are on the medical plan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh don't worry. We're open late on Tuesdays and Thursdays in case of emergencies. Also to keep Terri here off the streets.
Terri: He worries about me.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I do worry about you. You know what I worry about? I worry about this bad boy here, your number 3 molar.
[Randy is placed into anasthesia]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Terri, I'm gonna need that angle director probe.
Terri: Angle director probe. [she hands it to Dr. Bloom] Doctor, I think he's coming awake again. [They put the mask back on Randy's mouth to knock him out again. Randy's vision fades to the next moment where he gains consciousness]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Come on, come on! [The door barges open. Dr. Bloom and Terri look up]
Denny Jardeen: Hey!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: What are you doing here?
Denny Jardeen: What did you do with Barry Bonds? I know he's here somewhere. I know he's here! [We see the intruder, a bald-headed man, cornering Dr. Bloom]
Dr. Oliver Bloom: I don't know what you're talking about.
Denny Jardeen: Barry Bonds!
Lt. Randall Disher: [mumbling] Barry Bonds...
Terri: We don't know any Barry Bonds!
Denny Jardeen: He's worth $13 million! What did you do to him?!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: We have a patient here. [With the intruder getting agitated, Dr. Bloom and Terri attack the intruder, leading to a fight]
Lt. Randall Disher: [fading back into unconsciousness] Hey, cut it out! [Terri grabs an object and brings it down several times on the intruder] I'm a police officer. [His vision fades] I'm a police officer.... [cuts to Terri and Dr. Bloom smiling and standing over Randy]
Terri: Hey, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome back.
Lt. Randall Disher: [opens his eyes] Are you okay?
Terri: Am I okay? Of course I am. Why shouldn't I?
Lt. Randall Disher: There was a man in here!
Dr. Oliver Bloom: She has men in here all the time.
Lt. Randall Disher: You were fighting.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Oh there was a fight all right, between me and this molar here! It didn't wanna come out! [laughs and jiggles a little container with Randy's tooth] Now there's going to be some sensitivity for a couple days, so I wrote you a prescription that should help with the pain. You need to take one every four hours.
[Randy tells Stottlemeyer about the murder he "witnessed"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You saw it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sort of. I was sedated.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time I was under anesthesia, I thought my mustache was a chipmunk!
Detective Patterson: I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't want to wake up.
[Monk is flossing in Stottlemeyer's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's he doing?
Natalie Teeger: Flossing. He's determined never to go back to a dentist ever again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, cut it out, I mean it! This is a floss-free zone.
Adrian Monk: Since when?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since right now!
[Randy has quit the force]
Natalie Teeger: You miss him. I can tell.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Natalie Teeger: That is not true!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right. It's not true. He's not just another cop; he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge! [Monk walks by, gargling noisily] Present company excepted.

Mr. Monk Gets Jury Duty [4.16][edit]

[Monk is yelling out a window to Natalie who is standing by a dumpster where a dead woman was found]
Monk: Who is she?
Natalie: No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [a little louder] No I.D.
Monk: No idea?
Natalie: [louder] No... [points to eye] I... [makes the shape of a "D"] D!
Monk: ...No idea?
Disher: No I.D.!
Monk: Why don't you check her identification?
Disher: NO I.D.!!
Natalie: [screams, exasperated] NO I.D.!!!
[long pause]
Monk: ...No idea?
[Escobar is being extradited and Stottlemeyer is taking emergency precautions at the courthouse]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pay attention. I'm only gonna say this once. Escobar's hearing is tomorrow at 12:00 Noon. We lock this joint down tonight at midnight, every exit, every window. 1:00 AM: we sweep for bombs, head to toe. 6:00 AM: I want snipers on this roof and on the roof next door. We arrive at 11:30. 11:40: we meet Lapides at the elevator, we hand him off. From there, he's the Bureau's headache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, could you repeat that, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what part?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uhh, everything after "Pay attention, I'm only gonna say this once."
[Stottlemeyer groans in frustration]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher, celebrating the arrest of Escobar, crumple up balls of paper and toss them in the trash. FBI Special Agent Lapides comes in and catches one before it lands in the trash can]
Special Agent Lapides: Is this a bad time?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [taking a bite out of a bagel] It is now. [to Randy] Randy, you remember Special Agent Lapides? [Lapides produces an envelope]
Special Agent Lapides: Actually I'm not alone. I'm here with the attorney general.
Lt. Randall Disher: The attorney general... of the United States?
Special Agent Lapides: [produces an envelope] He's in here. Want to read it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't need to read it. I'm not giving you Escobar. No way, no how.
Special Agent Lapides: Leland, this case is bigger than San Francisco. Escobar was supplying drugs to seven states.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught him here!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're damn right we did, and we got him on a homicide, right here in the City of San Francisco. This case represents three years of my life.
Special Agent Lapides: Well you have the thanks of a grateful nation, Captain. But the federal indictment's already been filed. We're gonna try him first.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to himself] Sons-of-bitches.
Special Agent Lapides: There's an extradition hearing on Thursday. Here's how it's going to work: you babysit Escobar until then, you bring him to the courthouse, meet us in the lobby, you drop him off, you go home. [starts to leave; but then stops, and holds the envelope to his ear] "What's that, sir?" I'll tell him. [to Stottlemeyer] The attorney general says, "Don't screw it up."

Season 5[edit]

Mr. Monk and the Actor [5.01][edit]

[Natalie leaves the pawnshop as Monk coaches Ruskin on how to say "It's a gift and a curse". Monk finds her out back]
Adrian Monk: Oh there you are! What are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: Just getting some air.
Adrian Monk: There's a lot of air inside. Everybody's in there...breathing away.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's a little stuffy for me in there. "It's a gift! And a curse! It's a gift and a curse! It's a gift and a curse!"
Adrian Monk: Okay-
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, don't you see? It's already happening!
Adrian Monk: What is?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I've been doing a little research on your new "pal". Two years ago, David Ruskin played an alcoholic in a TV movie. He got so into it, he had to check himself into rehab for three months!
Adrian Monk: A lot of people check themselves into rehab.
Natalie Teeger: He doesn't drink!! That's the thing! He had all the symptoms of an alcoholic without drinking! He's had at least two other breakdowns! Mr. Monk, I think this man is dangerous! I think he's dangerous to you.
Adrian Monk: Maybe he's just dedicated. Did you ever think of that? [Natalie sighs] Come on, Natalie, they're making a movie about me! Now this is something that I might actually come close to, almost, enjoying!
[He turns to reenter the pawn shop, but as he does, he notices something]
Adrian Monk: Scratch marks. [looks at the dumpster] This was moved recently. [he taps the side of the dumpster with a pen] Plaster. I think the killer exited this way.
Natalie Teeger: I thought he went out the front door.
Adrian Monk: [shakes his head] Maybe he started to and was scared, and came back here. Come on. [They head around the dumpster, where Monk catches something in the bottom of a downspout. They lean down to look at that object: a revolver]
Natalie Teeger: It's a gun.
Adrian Monk: Don't touch it. We should get the captain.
[Randy is on the set where the film adaptation of "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut", or The Killer Astronaut, is being filmed]
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices food on a table] Oh, is that egg salad or, uh, tuna fish?
Stagehand: I don't know. [Randy grabs a sandwich]
[Stottlemeyer comes in through the set]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you doing here?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well I was just down the street checking out a lead at the pawnshop. Had a couple of minutes to kill. I stopped by; I was curious.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any luck?
Lt. Randall Disher: With the case? [shakes his head] No. There's nothing there. I mean, as far as we can tell, Michelle Cullman was never at the pawnshop. She never pawned anything. There's no connection between them at all.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Other than the fact that they were both killed by the same guy. Keep digging.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
[The director enters, followed by the actor who will be playing Stottlemeyer]
Director: All right! Let's do this.
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think of the mustache?
Director: Mustache looks great. [looks at his script] All right, everybody, we are on Scene 12, Page 15. Captain Stottlemeyer, you enter, you're on the phone. [Stottlemeyer and Disher sit down on a couch, getting VIP seating in the process]
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: I need a cell phone prop. Props? [the propmaster hands him a prop cell phone] Thanks.
Director: And action!
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: [talking on prop cell phone and looking off his copy of the script] Uh look, I know he's a bit eccentric, but Adrian Monk is the best damn investigator I've ever had, so you tell the mayor if he goes, I go. [pauses] That's right. [pretends to hang up] Lieutenant Disher! Lieutenant Disher, you got a minute? ["Randy", who is played by a woman(!), comes in the "front door". The real Randy is visibly dumbstruck]
Actress playing Randy Disher: [enters] Yes, Captain.
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, what the hell do I say?
Stagehand: [from offscreen] The victim.
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: The vic, I got it. [reads off his script] The victim, the victim just received a check for $50,000. Pretty weird time to kill yourself. What do you think?
Actress playing Randy Disher: I'll tell you what I think. I think the department doesn't appreciate you enough.
[gets closer to "Stottlemeyer". The real Stottlemeyer and Disher are clearly uncomfortable]
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
Actress playing Randy Disher: I'm doing what you taught me to do, Captain: following my instincts.
[They kiss. The real Stottlemeyer and Disher are shocked]
The real Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That never happened.
The real Lt. Randall Disher: Not even once.
Director: SHHH!
[The actress playing Natalie enters]
Actress playing Natalie Teeger: Oh! [clears her throat] Am I interrupting something?
Actress playing Randy Disher: I was just, uh, looking for evidence.
Actress playing Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh. In his mouth? [calls out the door] Mr. Monk? We're in here.
[David Ruskin enters. He is wearing the costume, though he has not yet donned a wig to emulate Monk's hair. The moment he enters, Ruskin begins mimicking Monk's tics. He taps two of the lamps on the set, before rearranging the figurines on a table in front of Stottlemeyer and Disher.]
David Ruskin: Something's not.... something's wrong here. [turns to the other actors] How tall was the victim?
Actress playing Randy Disher: 5'7". [Ruskin points at "Natalie"]
David Ruskin: Natalie, you're 5'7" [Natalie, and her real actress Traylor Howard, are actually 5'5"]. Um, would you mind, um. [uprights a stool] I'd do it myself, but... [sighs] I'm afraid of heights.
Actress playing Randy Disher: And needles and germs and milk.
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: It just doesn't add up. [The real Stottlemeyer and Disher smile, mildly pleased to find something that the producers did get correct about this incident]
David Ruskin: Captain. I am 90 to 95% sure that Steve Wagner killed this woman. [How is Ruskin-as-Monk supposed to suspect Wagner of the murder, when at this point in the actual episode, Monk hadn't yet even met Steve Wagner?]
Actor playing Captain Stottlemeyer: The astronaut? Monk, he was in space. Outer space. [This is dialogue from a completely different scene in that episode]
David Ruskin: I don't know how he did it, but he did it. [sighs] He, um, [stammers] uh...
[Ruskin breaks character]
David Ruskin: I'm sorry, I've gotta stop. Sorry! [clears his throat and walks towards the edge of the set]
Director: David, are you all right?
David Ruskin: Yeah, no, I'm fine. Just, I can't work like this. I mean [laughs] it's the crew.
Director: What about it?
David Ruskin: I mean, well, look, he has his hat on backwards [points at one crewman] and he has his hat on frontwards. These guys have them backwards/forwards, and then backwards/fowards, backwards/forwards.
Director: Uh-huh. So what?
David Ruskin: How am I supposed to work like that?! Huh?! I mean, how? Can you do that?! I can't! I mean, it's not the way I work!
[He storms off the set]
David Ruskin: So, why don't you--I'll be in my trailer, all right? And why don't you call me back when everything is less, you know, mixed up! All right? Thanks!
[Ruskin leaves the studio]
[Natalie is awoken in the middle of the night by Monk banging urgently on her front door. She answers]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's me. [Natalie opens the door] At least I think it's me.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, what time is it? [she rubs her eyes]
Adrian Monk: You were right about actors. He's completely unstable. [he steps inside]
Natalie Teeger: What did he do?
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's so selfish! He's immature! Get this: he barged into my house in the middle of the night, and woke me up because he felt like talking!
Natalie Teeger: Hmmm, I can't imagine what that would be like...
Adrian Monk: So we talked for hours! I will say this: he gets me, he really gets me. He understands about Trudy! He was dredging up these feelings. Feelings I haven't had in years. And then he made us food - fried eggs with the yolk exactly in the center, I mean exactly! He used a ruler, just the way I like them. [sighs] And it was very confusing... but delicious. Confusing, but delicious. And then he said he was tired and asked me to leave.
Natalie Teeger: So you left?
Adrian Monk: Well he has to get up at six o'clock.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that's your house!
Adrian Monk: [momentarily stunned] Boy! He's a good actor.
Natalie Teeger: All right, all right. [yawns] Okay, so you know what we're going to do? We're going to call that producer tomorrow to see if he has any ideas, all right? [Monk takes some stuff off the couch he is sitting on] So I guess you're staying for the rest of the night? [no response from Monk] All right, I'll get some sheets.
[Jack Leverett is being held hostage by David Ruskin, who is wearing his Monk costume. Then the real Monk shows up]
Jack Leverett: What are you guys, some kind of cult?
[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger after Ruskin's breakdown that resulted in him taking Jack Leverett hostage]
Dr. Charles Kroger: That must have been a traumatic experience for you, Adrian. And they canceled the movie [about you]?
Adrian Monk: He said he wanted to play a character who wasn’t so dark and depressing. [pause] He's in England playing Hamlet.
Dr. Charles Kroger: How about the little getaway you were planning? The weekend away? [Monk shakes his head] All right, okay, maybe another time.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'm back to square one. [groans] It's good to be home.

Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike [5.02][edit]

Adrian Monk: The people woke up at five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo died in the people's closet.
[Monk and Natalie look around Jimmy Cusack's office while Stottlemeyer, Disher, Ron Neely, and another employee wait in the doorway]
Adrian Monk: [points to the wingback chair at the desk] Jimmy Cusack was sitting there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yup.
Adrian Monk: Okay. [He notices some crumbs on one chair facing Cusack's chair] But there was somebody else here, and they…he had his feet up. [He points to a scuff mark on the desk, and glances at a bowl of nuts] And he ate all the cashews.
Natalie Teeger: What does that mean? [beat]
Adrian Monk: He probably liked the cashews best.
[Monk starts coughing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’m just…it’s just hard to think.
Natalie Teeger: He hates the smell. It’s the smell. [Stottlemeyer closes the open window behind Cusack's chair]
Adrian Monk: Okay. Give me the timeline.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I got it right here. [produces the file] Uh, Cusack was last seen alive, in here sitting at his desk, at around 9:30. The cleaning crew found him this morning at seven o’clock.
Lt. Randall Disher: The coroner said the body had been cold about seven hours.
Adrian Monk: So, midnight. Was he upset about something or depressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [shrugs] Besides the whole city hating his guts, as a matter of fact, he was. Ron? [Ron Neely steps forward] This is Ron Neely. He’s the chief accountant with the union. [Stottlemeyer points between the two as Neely shakes Monk's hand] Adrian Monk.
Ron Neely: I was going through the books yesterday getting ready for the next round of talks, and I found a few irregularities.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: $300 grand from the pension fund went “poof.”
Ron Neely: $304.2, actually.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Ron Neely: I called Jimmy about midnight, and asked him about it.
Adrian Monk: What, what did he say?
Ron Neely: He kind of groaned. And then he said, ”What took you so long?”
Adrian Monk: This sounds like suicide.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But you are the independent investigator, and you have to decide for yourself. [Stottlemeyer hands Monk the file]
Adrian Monk: I’m going to say suicide.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Suicide it is.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thank you, Mr. Neely.
[Stottlemeyer, Disher, Neely, and the other union rep depart]
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no!
Adrian Monk: That was easy.
Natalie Teeger: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, no, no, no, you haven’t even looked around!
Adrian Monk: I did! I looked around.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no. You didn’t do the thing! you know. [mimes Monk's hand movement] With your hands! With your hands. [Monk and Natalie reenter Cusack's office. Monk scans the chair and various surfaces, until he finds a photo of Cusack playing tennis]
Adrian Monk: He was left-handed? [Natalie flips through the file to a photo of Cusack's hands, showing that the revolver is in his right hand] He’s holding the gun in his right hand.
Natalie Teeger: His left hand was bandaged. [She points to a wrist bandage on Cusack's left wrist]
Adrian Monk: So, he probably sprained his wrist. Couldn’t hold the gun in his left… [He takes another look at the bullet hole in Cusack's chair]
Natalie Teeger: What? What?
Adrian Monk: The bullet hole and the blood spatter. He must have been sitting all the way back in this chair. How did he raise his arm? There’s no room. [He looks at the bullets on the desk] These are the bullets from the gun. That’s strange.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: No fingerprints. They’ve been wiped clean. Why would anyone who’s about to kill himself, wipe the fingerprints off the bullets?
Natalie Teeger: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you saying? It was murder?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
[The mayor's secretary knocks on his office door]
Secretary: Mr. Mayor, I’m so sorry. There’s a man here. He says he’s a former detective. He’s out there mumbling something about his wife and a car bomb.
[Monk enters the office]
Adrian Monk: Mr. Mayor, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know you’re very busy. My name’s Adrian Monk. [A security guard moves between Monk and the Mayor, intending to intercept him]
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Wait, Detective Monk? Come on in. Dennis, it’s fine. Karen, it’s okay. Mr. Monk is on our team, I hope. [Dennis moves aside so Monk can enter] So, Adrian Monk, we meet at last.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: My predecessor, Mayor Dunway, said some really great things about you. You have an amazing track record, but please, sit down.
Adrian Monk: I, uh…I’m okay. [He sweeps some of the trash on the Mayor's desk into the overflowing wastebasket]
Mayor Ray Nicholson: My garbage hasn’t been collected either. We’re all in this together, Mr. Monk. Did you talk to the deputy mayor?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I did.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: He explained the situation.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Frankly, we’re stuck. Nobody’s talking. Nobody trusts anybody. We got to solve this Jimmy Cusack case ASAP. What do you think? [Nicholson sits down in hi seat, picks up a bowl of cashews, and puts his feet on the desk]
Adrian Monk: Okay, here’s the thing, Mr. Mayor: even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it’s not going to solve the big problem.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: What problem is that?
Adrian Monk: Your honor, we have got to, um…you’ve got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It’s a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we’ll never get the stink out. It’s like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a B.M. on there. What do you do? You don’t have any choice really. You got to replace the carpet. You got to…you got to get rid of the cat. You can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can’t. But I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh good.
Adrian Monk: Yes sir, it just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city, every man, woman, and child.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: [dumbstruck] Evacuate?
Adrian Monk: Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Uhh....
Adrian Monk: Then just to be safe, we collect all the ashes and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back and start over. Think of it, we rebuild San Francisco ...from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean. Everything brand new. Gonna have that new city smell. Fresh off the lot, we can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but sir, if you don’t write it down, you’ll forget it.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, I don’t think I’m going to forget this.
Adrian Monk: So, you’ll think about it.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, yes, yes, absolutely. I promise. [Monk stands up and starts to head for the door] Yeah, but Mr. Monk, I’m going to need you to promise me something.
Adrian Monk: Anything.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: I want you to promise that you’re going to get some sleep before you start working on this murder case. [Monk scoffs, then stops and turns around] Are you OK?
Adrian Monk: [points at streaks where the Mayor's shoes have been resting] Scuff marks?
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, yeah, yeah. New shoes. No big deal.
Adrian Monk: You like cashews?
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, yeah, my wife says I like them too much. Here, help yourself.
Adrian Monk: No, no thanks. I’m going to go back to Jimmy Cusack’s office, have a look around.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Oh, yeah.
Adrian Monk: Never been there? Jimmy Cusack’s office?
Mayor Ray Nicholson: No, never have. Well, you let me know if you find something, now. Keep me in the loop.
Adrian Monk: That’s funny, sir. I was talking to somebody. They said, they thought they saw you there the night he died.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Well, they’re mistaken. What would I be doing in Jimmy Cusack’s office? He hated my guts. Everybody knew that. I’m afraid I’m going to have to make some calls right now, so good luck to you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Mayor Ray Nicholson: Anything you need, be sure and let me know.
[Monk has just spoken with the mayor and is reconvening with Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Natalie Teeger: There he is. What took you so long?
Adrian Monk: I was upstairs talking to the Mayor.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were in his office?
Adrian Monk: I just broke the Cusack case wide open!
Lt. Randall Disher: You have a suspect?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. I have a suspect.
Natalie Teeger: Well, who is it?
Adrian Monk: Okay, you can’t tell anybody. This is big. This is going to rip the city apart. Captain.
Lt. Randall Disher: Shhh! Reporters! [Randy points to some reporters gathered nearby. He leads them to a spot a short distance away, so they are out of earshot]
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hang on. Hang on. Just a little bit further just to make sure. [He leads them further away, to a spot on the opposite side of the rotunda]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Okay, but you have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone until I am a hundred percent sure.
Natalie Teeger: Who’s he going to tell?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Because if I am right, this is going to be the biggest story of the year! The Mayor was in Jimmy Cusack’s office the night he was killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you saying the mayor is…Mayor Nicholson’s the guy?
Adrian Monk: I am saying he was involved. He is definitely hiding something.
Lt. Randall Disher: Whoa! I mean, wow!
Natalie Teeger: What are we going to do?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don’t know, but Monk is right. We have to be very careful. Nobody says a word. Not a… [He notices the "Whisper Spot" sign they are standing next to, and realizes that the reporters they were trying to avoid have heard every single word they have said]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: …Oh hell...
[Reporters with microphones and camera crews promptly swarm them like bees]
[Monk is driving a lone garbage truck through the city.]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You could say that. But don't.
Monk: It's no secret that rock stars collect antiques, especially antique chairs.
Monk: I got it all figured out. When this truck's full I'll drive it into the bay. Then come back, get another truck, and keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time, one truck at a time. One bag at a time, one truck at a time.


Adrian Monk: Now it's true that Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he's the bad kind! The kind that breaks into other people's offices, beats them up, shoots them in the head, and steals their antique chairs!
Adrian Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?
Adrian Monk: Oh, about...a trillion.
[Monk is trying to have a session with Dr. Kroger, as men are throwing lots of garbage bags into the courtyard in the background]
Adrian Monk: It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage. Even when I was a kid. We live 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed. Smelling it. Had nightmares all the time. About trash. Piling up outside, higher and higher...until we couldn't leave the house. [chokes] We were buried alive. [A bag is tossed] And now it's coming true. [Dr. Kroger does not reply] Dr. Kroger?
[awkward silence]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?
Adrian Monk: [laughs in disbelief] No.
Dr. Charles Kroger: See...I've been getting boxes of trash, sent to me in the mail.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, really! Now, Adrian, don't try to deny it. It's all sorted by color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label. It’s upsetting my wife, it’s upsetting my children, and I want it to stop!

Mr. Monk and the Big Game [5.03][edit]

[Monk is trying to get Natalie to stand on his hands to look on top of a locker]
Adrian Monk: [locks his hands] Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look, check it out. Up you go.
Natalie Teeger: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
Adrian Monk: Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: I'm just the assistant!
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right, "assist", from the Latin meaning, "UP YOU GO!"
[With difficulty, Monk hoists Natalie, who just barely peek over the top of the lockers]
Natalie Teeger: Well, higher! [Straining, Monk does so] Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what is it?
Natalie Teeger: There are footprints!
Adrian Monk: Footprints... down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, down I go?
Adrian Monk: Down you go.
Natalie Teeger: Down we go.
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Julie's principal]
Principal Franklin: Oh yes, Mr. Monk. We met last year at the, uhh, career day. How have you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Natalie Teeger: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie Teeger: Well, that's something.
Adrian Monk: But then I was disqualified. A mother said I went counter-clockwise, or something.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least you got invited to the party!
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay, it was my mother!
[Monk, Natalie, and Julie are putting all of Monk's "Case Trophies" on his mantle.]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a bigger mantle. Natalie! I'm gonna need a bigger mantle!
Natalie Teeger: Your mother would be so proud.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no she wouldn't. But it's still nice of you to say.
[Natalie is trying to find out when Stottlemeyer is available to talk to Julie about a project on DNA]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it's okay. That's not going to give her much time. It's all right. [starts to head for the door, but then stops, and turns around] Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention! My cousin works for a PR firm for the '49ers.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah! Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday! He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you're not too busy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no. No, I'm sure we can make that work.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, great, because I lied! But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday! Julie will be here after school. Thanks! [grins, and leaves the office]
[Monk and Natalie are in the girl's bathroom]
Natalie Teeger: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Girl's bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: What are you afraid of? [pokes Monk] Cooties?
Adrian Monk: Don't laugh. The jury's still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding...

Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing [5.04][edit]

[Rusty delivers a plate of sandwiches to his crew, playing cards at the fold-out table in the back of the garage]
Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get 'em while they're warm.
First Fireman: Hey Rusty, what's in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wiseguys something: when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a "Thank you, Rusty?" No, I get jokes, and they aren't even funny jokes! They're old and stale.
Captain Stockton: Come on, Rusty, we all love you, you know that! Look, I'm eating one! [takes a bite out of his sandwich]
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey! Karl with a "K." [Monk walks in, carrying a container full of smoke alarms]
Karl: Hey, Mr. Monk.
Captain Stockton: Oh, hell! He's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey Chucky, you--you missed a spot. [comes up to the table] Captain, can you believe it's been a year already?
Captain Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know but, I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?
[The fire alarm goes off. Everyone stops what they are doing and immediately rushes to the fire trucks, grabbing their gear. Someone hands Stockton a slip of paper]
Captain Stockton: House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first-
Captain Stockton: Sir, there is a house burning down five blocks away! Don't you think that should take a priority right now? [Monk turns to Rusty]
Adrian Monk: Uhhhh... [turns back towards the fire captain, who is now climbing into the cab]
Captain Stockton: Don't you? [Monk turns back towards Rusty. The engine's brakes are released]
Adrian Monk: [shrugs] I don't know.
First Fireman: Let's go! [The engine pulls out of the garage]
Adrian Monk: OK, but I don't have all day! [The fire engine's siren comes on as it drives away]
[Rusty is testing Monk's alarms by blowing cigarette smoke into them]
Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Adrian Monk: [coughing] Five.
Rusty: [incredulous] Thirty smoke detectors? For five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say, "You can't be too careful." I'm never saying that again.
[He hears a squeaking noise and looks up. Eddie Murdoch walks into the garage]
Rusty: Excuse me! Hello? [Monk turns around and glances at Murdoch, just as Murdoch disappears around the cab. He then resumes putting his smoke detectors in plastic bags. Rusty stands up and walks around the back of the truck, where Murdoch is standing by the coat rack]
Rusty: Hey! You're not allowed back here! [Murdoch grabs a shovel and smacks Rusty over the head. Monk hears an audible clang]
Adrian Monk: Rusty? [beat. A worried look creeps over his face] Rusty!
[He gets up and rushes over. As he comes around, he sees Murdoch holding a shovel and Rusty lying dead on the floor]
Adrian Monk: HEY! [Murdoch swings the shovel at him. Monk dodges, the shovel striking his back. After a short struggle, Monk manages to grab the shovel. As he's about to swing, Murdoch grabs a bucket of solvent from the table and throws it in Monk's face. He drops the shovel, staggers back against the truck and collapses against the back tire, screaming in pain]
[Monk is having his eyes checked after being attacked by Eddie Murdoch at the firehouse]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, how’s it look, Doc?
Dr. Jackman: Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Which means what, exactly?
Dr. Jackman: It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself. And sometimes it doesn’t.
Natalie Teeger: [stroking Monk's shoulder] Shhh…it’s okay, Mr. Monk. [to Dr. Jackman] He’s afraid of the dark.
Dr. Jackman: Well, he might have to get used to it. At least for a while. Excuse me. [She leaves and Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk?
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Lt. Randall Disher: It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you. [Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face and squats] Now I’m squatting. I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need… [turns to Stottlemeyer] I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sternly] Randy...
Lt. Randall Disher: So from the 11th to the 13th…
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are sitting in Stottlemeyer's office at the police station, blindfolded.]
School for the Blind Teacher: This is what we call an empathy exercise. We use it to teach families and friends about what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless and out of control.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, me too. I feel disoriented.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
School for the Blind Teacher: This is how your friend Adrian is feeling 24/7. He has to relearn everything, even things he's done a thousand times. For example, you spend a lot of time here at the station. You both probably know it very well.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
School for the Blind Teacher: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake. [Stottlemeyer and Disher, blindfolded, head back into the squad room. Randy immediately walks straight into a detective's desk.]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [He stumbles along. As he passes a startled detective, he asks] Where's the cooler? [He walks straight into another officer's desk] Sorry! [Stottlemeyer, meanwhile, takes a more realistic approach, feeling for the walls with the palms of his hands. He explains to the startled detective]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're doing an empathy exercise. [He feels his way along the wall, and then accidentally bumps into Randy, who lifts off his blindfold]
Lt. Randall Disher: He's cheating!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, how does he know I'm cheating unless he's cheating? [Randy spots the water cooler, and walks over]
Lt. Randall Disher: I won!
School for the Blind Teacher: Lieutenant, this isn't a competition.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I know, but if it had, I would've been the winner.
[He pushes down on the nozzle, which the cup isn't lined up under; Stottlemeyer realigns the cup accordingly and removes his blindfold]
School for the Blind Teacher: There's a trick you can teach your friend. If you stick your finger over the edge of the cup, it won't overflow. [Stottlemeyer grabs the paper cup from Randy and takes a sip]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Stein, you've never met Adrian Monk. He's not going to be sticking any fingers in any cups - he'd sooner die of thirst. The thing is, this guy's very fragile to begin with. I-I just don't see how he's going to function at all.
School for the Blind Teacher: Then it's up to you to make him function. Get him back to work. That's the best medicine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Back to work?
[Randy leans back and knocks the cooler over]
[At Monk's apartment, Natalie is helping Monk put photos of Trudy back onto the fireplace mantle]
Adrian Monk: Is it straight?
Natalie Teeger: It’s perfect.
Adrian Monk: I’ll never see her face again.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don’t say that!
Adrian Monk: Am I crying?
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. [walks over to the couch and sits down] Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.
Natalie Teeger: I am not going anywhere! Look at me! [stops and calms down] Sorry. Your life is not over! You could still do anything! There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie Teeger: Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh........ [struggles to find the answer] Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who’s that?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie Teeger: I don’t wanna talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither. [There’s a knock on the door. Stottlemeyer comes in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello? Door’s open.
Adrian Monk: Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! How’s he doing?
[Stottlemeyer waves his hand in front of Monk]
Natalie Teeger: [giving a thumbs down] Uh, oh, oh, gosh, he’s doing great! He’s just great! I'm so proud of him!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Good. Uh, listen, Monk. I'm on my way over to the firehouse. I need you to come along.
Adrian Monk: What for? I gave the Lieutenant my statement.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I know. I just uh, I thought that maybe you might "see" something.
Adrian Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you're still the best detective I know.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. I think it's a great idea.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you don't mean that. You're just trying to cheer me up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation; a fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a standup guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son-of-a-bitch that killed him, and you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't! I can't-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you. [pause] Natalie, get him up.
[Natalie helps Monk to his feet]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, you heard the Captain!
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm coming, I'm coming! Listen, don't expect too much from me; I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Magoo. Famous inventor!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Magoo?
[Monk makes his way around the firehouse, blind]
Adrian Monk: Now, the table is here. [He's actually pointing at the foldout lawn chairs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table.... is here. [He redirects Monk's hand to the table]
Adrian Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there. [Stottlemeyer redirects his hand to the column]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Pole's there.
Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie Teeger: You can do this, you can do this! Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Just try to picture the room. You can do this, you have an amazing memory!
Adrian Monk: Oh right. I forgot about my amazing memory.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can't figure is what the guy was doing here. What was he looking for?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Is anything missing?
Captain Stockton: I don't think so. There's nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn't make any sense.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, let's do this. [Stottlemeyer and Natalie seat Monk in the chair he was sitting in when Murdoch arrived] You and Rusty were sitting here. You were checking the smoke detectors.
Adrian Monk: Right, and then this man, entered from over there. [He points his finger and moves it, tracing Murdoch's route as he saw it] He walked around the truck slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed. [Randy steps forward]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, Lt. Randy Disher here. I'm speaking to you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don't have to tell the man that you're speaking to him!
Lt. Randall Disher: [looks at his notebook] OK, you know who this is, and that I'm speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And that he was tall, heavyset, about 6'1", with sandy hair, and wearing a leather jacket?
Adrian Monk: That's right. And then Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise [the clang of Murdoch braining Rusty with the shovel], and I walked around the back of the truck. [He walks over there, and feels for the side of the truck, which is a few feet in front of his hands] The truck? Where-Where is the truck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The truck's been moved, Monk. You're good. You're doing good.
Adrian Monk: And I saw Rusty on the floor, and the man was holding a shovel in his hands.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said you could smell him. He'd been drinking?
Adrian Monk: [exasperated] Rum! He smelled like rum!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy! Is there anything else? Anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't think so. He grabbed the container and... threw the solvent in my face. That was the last thing I saw. [realizing] Oh my god. It was the last thing I saw! [He gets tangled up in the crime scene tape that has been stretched from the wall, around a stepladder, to the truck's back bumper. Natalie gets the tape off of him]
Adrian Monk: Is it off? Can I go home now?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, you can go now. [She starts to walk him out. In doing in so, Monk brushes his arm against the coat rack and stops]
Adrian Monk: Hold on. [He turns back to the coat rack]
Natalie Teeger: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: There's a coat missing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A coat?
Adrian Monk: There were six coats there.
Captain Stockton: He's right. There's one missing.
First Detective: He came in to steal a coat and he's willing to kill for it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't make any sense to me either but if we find that coat, we find our guy. [He, Randy, and the first detective leave]
Natalie Teeger: See, you're amazing!
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey. High five. [Randy raises his hand as if to give a high five, but then retracts his hand] Okay. Good work.
[Natalie leads Monk to the station and they meet Randy in the hallway]
Natalie Teeger: What's so important, Randy?
Lt. Randall Disher: I think we've got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway; he was wearing the fireman's coat.
Natalie Teeger: Who is he?
Lt. Randall Disher: A guy named Colbert, Jake Colbert. He's a drifter; he lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know. Maybe you haven't heard: I am blind.
Natalie Teeger: But you'll do the best you can, right? You can't give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind! [They meet Stottlemeyer outside the squad room door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey. I like the cane. You look kinda dapper.
Natalie Teeger: So you found the guy?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found a guy. He's the right height, does not have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Natalie Teeger: Did his shoes squeak?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't know. He was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn't matter because we don't need shoes when I've got an eyewitness.
Adrian Monk: [following Stottlemeyer into the squad room] So to speak.
Adrian Monk: [his answering machine] Hello. This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep... I was talking about. [The beep goes off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: This must be it.
Adrian Monk: Describe it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh you know, Monk! It’s the Tenderloin! We’re right in the heart of wino land. We’re standing in an alley, behind a bar, in front of a standard issue dumpster, probably about three cubic yards. It is filled with garbage - broken bottles, cardboard boxes...
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk? Randy Disher speaking. I’m opening my notebook. [starts to grab his notebook, but can't find it] Hold on, I can’t find my--I can’t find my notebook. [starts checking his pockets]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: I’m checking my pockets. Patting my pockets. [He finds it in his pockets] Oh! Found the notebook! Opening notebook. [opens it to the right page and reads] Yeah, according to Mr. Colbert, he was here at 5:00 PM last Sunday collecting bottles. He found the fireman’s coat in the dumpster.
Adrian Monk: Five o’clock? That’s just three hours after Rusty was killed.
Lt. Randall Disher: He also said he found a fireman’s helmet, which he gave to a couple of kids.
Adrian Monk: He kills a man for a fireman’s coat, and he throws it away a couple of hours later? That makes no sense... [They hear squeaking from two rats scrounging around in a garbage can next to them. Natalie looks at them and immediately turns away, repulsed]
Natalie Teeger: Ugh! Oh!
Adrian Monk: Oh, God, I’m glad I didn’t see that! Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. [Monk chuckles]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I’m glad I didn’t see that.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: This is an alley, right? It must be pretty filthy.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it’s disgusting.
Adrian Monk: I’d probably hate this place.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, you wouldn’t last five minute here. There’s cockroaches…
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There’s a dead cat right over there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it doesn’t bother me! Nothing bothers me! It’s great! I can’t see anything! I don’t see any of it! [Stottlemeyer puts a lid on the rats in the garbage can] This could really work for me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate this neighborhood. I was stuck here for three hours [on] Sunday. The house that burned down was just around the corner.
Adrian Monk: Hold on, hold on, the fire on Sunday was right here in this very neighborhood?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the woman who [lived there] was killed. She fell asleep smoking a cigarette in front of the TV.
Adrian Monk: I don’t think so. No, no, there has to be a connection between that fire, and what happened to Rusty. Okay, let’s go. Come on, people. Come on. We got a case to solve. [He starts back towards the car]
Natalie Teeger: Dead cat on your left! [She moves him out of the way in time]
[Monk is getting soot on his hands as he searches the remains of a burned out house]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you want some gloves?
Adrian Monk: No, don't need them. Out of sight, out of mind. [He walks out of the bathroom] Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. [Monk feels his way towards the living room]
Adrian Monk: Is this the living room?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That’s right. She was on the couch.
Natalie Teeger: Which is on your right. [Monk walks into a chair; Natalie and Stottlemeyer grab him in time]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Easy. Yeah, she’s on the couch she’s watching TV, she’s smoking, she’s drinking, she falls asleep, cigarette falls on a pile of newspapers and whoosh. At least that’s the official version. [Monk bumps into a table containing several bottles. He picks one up and smells it]
Adrian Monk: Rum. Rum. Rum. [He holds it up, and Randy catches it] Who was she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Disher opening file. [opens the case file] Stefanie Preston, 27, she was a temp. Last job, Peter Breen Construction. Lived here alone.
Adrian Monk: I don’t think she lives here alone. At least not every night. There’s a bottle of men’s cologne in the bathroom, two toothbrushes, two different types of toothpaste.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She had a boyfriend.
[Monk has just been momentarily separated from the group]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. [turns to Peter Breen] Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston's house?
Peter Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Peter Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
Lt. Randall Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there? [He points towards Breen's convertible parked out front]
Peter Breen: That’s one of them.
Lt. Randall Disher: You like it? I’m thinking about getting one myself. It’s either between that or the Ford Festiva.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you Sunday afternoon?
Peter Breen: Ah, Sunday, I was here, onsite, meeting with the architect and construction manager. [Eddie Murdoch passes by]
Eddie Murdoch: Hey, boss, I got that work order. Oh, and I still have those keys.
Peter Breen: Uh, Eddie, we’re a little busy right now. You know what? We’ll take care of that later. Gentlemen?
Dr. Jackman: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic. [Monk moans a little bit] Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it is.
Dr. Jackman: Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.
Natalie Teeger: Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful!
Adrian Monk: Hope. I hate hope’s guts!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Adrian Monk: I don’t know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground! I’m so pathetic! I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…
Lt. Randall Disher: Five-sixteenths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy [Murdoch]’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, Monk, he is definitely the guy. I just came back from his house, and we found the clothes he was wearing when he set the fire. They were in a laundry hamper covered with soot.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are alone at the hospital]
Adrian Monk: Why did he do it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Adrian Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Adrian Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He said, "I still have those keys." [Flashback to Murdoch holding the keychain while speaking with Breen]
Adrian Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferarri, right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Wh-What do their keychains look like?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's a rearing horse. [Flashback of the keys resting next to the TV remote on Stefanie Preston's coffee table during the fire] The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen's keys!
Adrian Monk: You said Murdoch's body is on a slab?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Downstairs. [He hands over Monk's cane and they head down to the morgue. They walk into the quiet and dim room] Hello? [no answer] Well, we've got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Adrian Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. [Stottlemeyer starts examining the tags on each body to locate Murdoch while Monk feels around with his cane]
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you see?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, just sitting around bloated, not talking. Kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife's house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's a long shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there's no doubt about that. It wasn't his idea though. His boss paid him to do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Adrian Monk: Exactly! He had keys to her house, and loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He went back [into the fire] for the keys. That's what he went back for.
Adrian Monk: Right, and if we find those keys...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...Mr. Breen's going to have a lot of explaining to do. [He lifts up the canvas over Eddie Murdoch's body and checks the tag on the feet] Got him. Hello, Edward! Don't get up! Uhh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag. [searching through the bag, he finds the keys] Ha-hahaha! Exhibit A - D.A.'s gonna love this! [Monk also feels the keys and the rearing horse keychain. Peter Breen sneaks up behind Stottlemeyer and knocks him out with a hammer, then handcuffs him to the stretcher. He then stands up to face Monk]
Peter Breen: Mr. Monk, I'm gonna need that key ring!
Adrian Monk: Help! Somebody! [He throws his cane at Breen, who tosses it aside, snickering]
Peter Breen: The keys please. [Monk throws the keys, which land behind Breen] Oh I don't have time for this! [He walks over that way to grab a shiv while Monk feels for Stottlemeyer's Smith & Wesson 5913] Actually, it's pretty convenient that you're already here! That way, they won't have to move the bodies. [Monk grabs the gun and points it at Breen. His eyesight is just starting to come back]
Adrian Monk: Don't move. [To distract Monk, Breen first shoves one of the stretchers into the wall, causing Monk to fire an errant shot. Then he taps on the other wall with a cane, but by squinting heavily, Monk is able to spot his opponent, and quickly shoots Breen in the chest]

Mr. Monk, Private Eye [5.05][edit]

[Natalie arrives at Monk's apartment with his groceries]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? [Monk is in the kitchen making a sandwich] Hello. What's going on?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm making lunch.
Natalie Teeger: [notices a pile of discarded pieces of bread in the garbage can] And what's wrong with those?
Adrian Monk: [working on removing the crust from a piece of bread] Ah, those are not quite up to snuff. You know me. It's got to be snuff. [Natalie sets down a small box in front of him] What's that? [Natalie smiles and rubs her hands together eagerly]
Natalie Teeger: It's a surprise. Did I ever tell you about my grandpa, Neville Davenport?
Adrian Monk: No. Is he in the box?
Natalie Teeger: He was a great man. You remind me of him, actually. He was an assistant pharmacist in London, and then, when he was about your age, he completely changed his life, just like that. He quit his job and started a toothpaste company in England. A toothpaste company in England! I mean, talk about optimism! And now it's the third biggest brand in the world after Colgate and Crest.
Adrian Monk: Ah, I love that story. I guess my favorite part is about the toothpaste company.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there's a point to the story.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I've been listening very carefully.
Natalie Teeger: OK, so [taps her hands on the kitchen counter] I've been thinking about this, and uh, [rubs her hands together] I think you should start your own company. Be a private investigator. [Monk looks up warily] I mean, really go for it! Hire a PR person, advertise, get new clients!
Adrian Monk: Uh....
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are other detectives out there with a fraction of your talent who are getting rich! You're Adrian Monk! People would pay a fortune to hire you!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that's something to think about.
Natalie Teeger: I thought you'd say that, so I did what Grandpa Neville did, and....[opens the box and hands a business card to Monk] ...I took the initiative.
Adrian Monk: "A. Monk Private Investigations". [notices the price tag] Eighty five dollars? That's eighty-five cents a card?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that doesn't matter! You can't be afraid to take risks!
Adrian Monk: I think I can. In fact, I think I already am. Hold on: germs, heights, snakes, milk, needles. Risk! Yeah, it's on there. Number 6! [takes his sandwich to the dining room, sits down and starts eating. Natalie pulls up a chair next to him]
Natalie Teeger: You know what Grandpa Neville's favorite expression was? [smiles] "Leap, and a net will appear." [slides the card over to Monk]
Adrian Monk: Well, he sounds like a very pleasant, very insane person. [slides it back to Natalie] It's not even the right address!
Natalie Teeger: [slides it back to Monk] Yes it is.
Adrian Monk: No it isn't. Shunpike Road? That's all the way downtown. [slides the card to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: [grins] It's the right address.
Adrian Monk: No it isn't.
Natalie Teeger: Yes it is. [winks]
[Natalie brings Monk to his new office]
Adrian Monk: Can I open my eyes now?
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Mr. Monk, your eyes are opened.
[She laughs and closes the door]
Natalie Teeger: When Grandpa Neville first started out, I swear to you, his office looked just like this. [She lets herself through a swinging gate leading to one desk] OK, so this is my desk, [points to the desk in the main room] and yours is in there. So, when the clients come in, they sit here, but then, [Natalie opens the swinging gate to let Monk in] they come in here and talk to me. And if I think they're legit, then I send them in to you.
Adrian Monk: What clients?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, they'll be calling. I took out some ads on the Internet and in the phonebook.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] Natalie, you can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Actually, you're paying for it.
Adrian Monk: I can't afford this!
Natalie Teeger: Oh yes, you can! Remember last month when you got that bonus? After solving the Kensington case?
Adrian Monk: No!
Natalie Teeger: That's because I used it for a down payment.
Adrian Monk: Grown ups have a word for that. We call it "embezzlement"! [Natalie hangs a black-and-white picture up on the wall] Don't tell me. Grandpa Neville.
Natalie Teeger: That's Grandpa Neville. Oh, it's only fitting that we have his picture up. After all, he is our inspiration. Right? "Leap and a net will appear"!
Adrian Monk: OK, I appreciate what you're trying to do here. I really do, but, uh, I have a job! I am a consultant for the police department!
Natalie Teeger: Not full-time, and, Mr. Monk, they haven't called in weeks.
Adrian Monk: Which is fine with me! I am not an ambitious man. I am not Grandpa Neville.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, just give it a few months.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry, months?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, a few weeks! You'll see, it's going to be great! Trust me! [sets down a nameplate saying "A. Monk, PI" on Monk's desk] You'll see. [Monk straightens the nameplate]
[Stottlemeyer is sitting at his computer browsing an online dating site]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How about Amber? [presses a button and spins his wedding ring on the desk like a top] "I am into yoga, pilates, getting in touch with my spirituality...." [ring stops spinning] Been there, married that. [presses 'Return' and brings up another profile]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "My hobbies include bike riding, running, cuddling." [Randy comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? You got a second?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, uh yeah. Uh, hang on, Randy. Just a minute! [starts pressing buttons as he tries to hide the webpage] Hang on!
Lt. Randall Disher: You OK?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah! Yeah. [He covers his monitor with his coat] It's just, um, classified need-to-know stuff. What's going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Missing school teacher. Husband's looking better and better. I talked to a neighbor. Trouble in paradise. Anna Pollard's been talking to a lawyer four months ago about filing for a separation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding. He told me that it was one long honeymoon, Randy. That man lied to us. I need to talk to him again. [grabs his coat, unwittingly revealing the webpage he had been looking at]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. [his gaze falls on Stottlemeyer's computer] Huh, by the way my cousin saw your, uh profile on the Make-a-Date.net. I didn't know you like Bossanova. [Stottlemeyer looks mortified. He quickly shuts the door]
Captain Leland Stotlemeyer: Oh, well, that was, uh... there was an undercover sting operation going on with Vice, and, [sighs as he readjusts his coat, and notices Randy glowering at him] Okay, I admit it, uh, I signed on, I was curious. Tell your cousin I was just joking around.
Lt. Randall Disher: No that's okay. You can tell her yourself, if you've been, uh, talking to her all week. [adjusts Stottlemeyer's coat] She's "sexy in Sonoma".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, that's your cousin?
Lt. Randall Disher: When did you put in a hot tub?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I didn't put in a hot tub.
Lt. Randall Disher: She said you put in a hot tub.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [annoyed] I had a hot tub when I was at the motel!
Lt. Randall Disher: Ah, that must be it. [They leave the office]
[Natalie is sleeping at her desk when her phone rings. She is jolted awake and quickly answers it]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk Investigations. What is the nature of your problem?
Adrian Monk: I'm being kept in a room against my will.
Natalie Teeger: You were kidnapped? Oh my gosh, hold on, hold on. [She quickly grabs a pencil from her desk and starts writing down on a piece of paper] Uh, do you know who did it? [Staying focused on Natalie, the camera pans left to reveal that Monk is talking on his phone]
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's my personal assistant. Her name is Natalie.....Teeger.
[Natalie turns and glares at him]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's been two days! [Natalie hangs up her phone and walks over to Monk's desk, exasperated] You're human, you made a mistake.
Natalie Teeger: It's not a mistake!
Adrian Monk: It's a mistake.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, it took Grandpa Neville's business a whole year before it took off!
Adrian Monk: [stands up] You know, not everybody feels the same way you do about Grandpa Neville! For example, I was just thinking how much fun it would be to dig up his body and poke it with a big stick! [The front door opens]
Linda Fusco: Who's Grandpa Neville? And why are we poking him with a stick?
[Monk and Natalie look up. Linda Fusco lets herself in through the swinging door that leads to Natalie's desk]
Linda Fusco: Adrian Monk? I'm Linda Fusco.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, do I know you? Are you an actress?
Linda Fusco: Real estate.
Natalie Teeger: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Linda Fusco Realty, on bus stops and billboards!
Linda Fusco: [looking around the office] Wow, I can't believe Larry finally rented this dump out. How much is he getting? $3,000 a month?
Natalie Teeger: $3,200.
[Stottlemeyer is signing a lease agreement with Linda for a new apartment]
Lt. Randall Disher: The sign said that you were the number one realtor in Northern California.
Linda Fusco: [sarcastically] Tell me something I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drolly] The elephant's the only mammal that can't jump.
Linda Fusco: [perplexed] Pardon me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said "tell you something you don't know," and I told you that the only mammal who can't jump is your elephant.
Natalie Teeger: You can't swim?
Adrian Monk: To be honest, I don't know. I mean, I know how... all right, I took a correspondence course.
Natalie Teeger: You learned to swim by mail?
Adrian Monk: They sent me a little diploma! And, I've got this.
[He gives her a little card from his wallet.]
Natalie Teeger: "Swimming Fundamentals: Don't panic; Breathe normally; Flutter kicks..."
Adrian Monk: Can I have that back, please?
Natalie Teeger: Why would you even take the course? You never go in the water.
Adrian Monk: Hello, tsunamis?
[Before jumping off a boat to escape Jay Bennett, Monk quickly consults his card.]
Adrian Monk: "Don't panic"—forget that—"Breathe normally, flutter kicks..." [jumps]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there he is! There's Monk! Twenty degrees to port.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's that next to him, is it a life preserver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nah, it looks like a toilet seat.
Linda Fusco: Well, if it's floating, why doesn't he just grab it?
Stottlemeyer, Disher, and Natalie: Uhh...
[After Natalie hands out Monk's business card to Bill Gibbard]
Adrian Monk: You owe me 85 cents.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. Take it out of my paycheck.
Adrian Monk: Don't think I won't.
Natalie Teeger: How'd you get so cheap? Really?!?
Adrian Monk: I work for a living! All right? At least I used to! Now I just get bull kelp splashed on me!
[Monk was rescued and is compleatly wrapped in a towel]
Adrian Monk: [mumbles incoherantly into Disher's ear]
Natalie Teeger: What did he say?
Lt. Randall Disher: He said "Jump and a net will appear my ass."

Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion [5.06][edit]

[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at a crime scene]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good morning. What’s going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, what you see is pretty much it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do I see?
Lt. Randall Disher: It looks like an accident. Her name’s Katherine Rutherford. 62. Lives here on the third floor. Patrol officers called us in just to make sure. [Stottlemeyer points to some necklace beads on the floor of the midway landing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are those?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, beads. She was wearing a necklace, which broke. She slips on the beads, breaks her neck. [Stottlemeyer looks over the railing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A lot of gravity in these stairwells.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just used the elevator. Why didn’t she?
Lt. Randall Disher: Um... [starts checking his notepad]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was it broken? [Randy doesn't find anything] If you don’t know, just say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don’t know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [calls down to an officer standing over the body] Hey, are there any beads down there?
Police Officer: No, sir. [Stottlemeyer gestures between the beads on the floor and the body with his hands]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn’t any of them roll away?
Lt. Randall Disher: [checks his notepad] Beads, beads, beads, beads…
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don’t know. Randy, something's wrong here. [He picks up an intact portion of necklace and walks down to the body] This is wrong. [to the officers] Lift up her head. [Stottlemeyer puts the intact portion of the necklace around Katherine's neck, but it doesn't stretch all the way] It doesn't fit; it's too small. Okay, we're changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander; this is now a homicide investigation.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
[The officer picks up a lapel pin with the number 25 under the body]
Police Officer: Captain. I just found this under the body.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I’ve seen that before. Wait, I know this pin. Someone was wearing it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Lt. Randall Disher: [struggles to remember] Hang on. Whoa, wait, wait, wait. [sighs] I don’t know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't know.
[Cuts to Monk fussing with an identical pin on his jacket]
[Monk is adjusting an alumni lapel pin on his coat]
Adrian Monk: Is it straight? I can't get it straight. [Natalie sighs, exasperated]
Natalie Teeger: Why don't you just stand at a slight angle? [they start walking] Mr. Monk, maybe I should stay.
Adrian Monk: No, no-
Natalie Teeger: No-no, my parents can pick up Julie.
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Natalie Teeger: Well it's just that the last time you saw these people, you were with Trudy, and....I remember after Mitch died, how difficult it was, you know, going to parties, and seeing our friends? [sighs] That's when I missed him the most.
Adrian Monk: I'm way ahead of you. I did all my crying last night; I'm good to go.
Natalie Teeger: I’m going to call my parents. [Natalie starts to reach into her purse as if to grab her cell phone]
Adrian Monk: No! Relax, will you? This is Berkeley. It’s like my second home! Wish you could have seen me here, Trudy and me. We had a million friends. We owned this place!
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Uh-huh....
Adrian Monk: I hope Dinky comes. Crazy Dinky Feber! [Natalie laughs] He was always getting off these great zingers. Oh, and I hope Craig Hopper comes. He was always explaining Dinky’s zingers to me. They made a great team.
Natalie Teeger: He-he. Oh, have you filled out your registration form?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, I filled it out six months ago.
[Monk has just thought he noticed someone familiar]
Adrian Monk: Uh, I thought that was Smitty. That guy looked....just like Smitty. You--you--you still have my invitation?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I do, right. [She pulls Monk's registration form out of her purse] Here you go.
Adrian Monk: Yeah... [Natalie spots something on Monk's form]
Natalie Teeger: "Adrian 'Captain Cool' Monk"? Who's Captain Cool?
Adrian Monk: Me. That was my nickname.
Natalie Teeger: You were 'Captain Cool'? [smiles] Why?
Adrian Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Monk leans back and stands with his hands on his hips and his right foot forward]
Adrian Monk: Why do you think? [Natalie lifts her eyebrows]
Natalie Teeger: [grins] I don't know!
Adrian Monk: Look, I didn’t write the invitation! Did I?
Natalie Teeger: Okay! Okay! Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at seven o'clock. Okay? [She teasingly strikes a mirror image of Monk's pose] Captain. [Natalie walks away]
[While Monk is in line to turn in his registration form, Dianne Brooks taps his shoulder]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Dianne. Dianne Sooner!
Dianne Brooks: Not anymore. It’s Dianne Brooks! [shows Monk her wedding ring] Oh, my gosh! You look great! Oh, my…I can’t…You haven’t changed at all.
Adrian Monk: Neither have you. Except for, you know, your age.
Dianne Brooks: Well, you know, I don’t think I’ve seen you since…well, since the memorial service, I guess, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dianne Brooks: How, how are you doing? Are you dating?
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Dianne Brooks: Well, maybe you’ll meet someone here.
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don’t think…nah. No.
Dianne Brooks: Well, you never know!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, you do.
Dianne Brooks: Well, um, where are you staying?
Adrian Monk: At home. I’m about a half-hour from here, just across the Bay.
Dianne Brooks: Oh! Oh, you know what? That reminds me, I forgot to fill out my form. Remember me? Right? Always last minute?
Adrian Monk: Always. [Dianne pulls her form out of her purse]
Dianne Brooks: Yeah. You know what? Do you mind if I… [Dianne points at Monk’s back]
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, yeah.
[Monk bends over so that Dianne can use his back like a writing desk]
Dianne Brooks: Could you…there. [Dianne fills out her form] You know, actually, my…my…sorry. My husband, Kyle, is dying to meet you. [Monk grimaces]
Adrian Monk: He is?
Dianne Brooks: Yeah! Yeah! He has been asking about you every day, for months. “Do you think Adrian Monk is coming?” You know, “Is he really coming?” Yeah. He is gonna be so excited. [finishes filling out her form] Great! Thank you.
[Natalie is walking to her car. As she reaches it, she searches her purse and finds a set of keys]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, shoot!
[She notices another couple just getting out of their car]
Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me, are you going to the reunion?
Alumni Husband: That’s right.
Natalie Teeger: Great! Could you give these keys to Adrian Monk?
Alumni Husband: Who?
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk? Um, Captain Cool? [The man laughs]
Alumni Husband: Captain Cool? Is he here?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah!
Alumni Husband: Sure. I’d be glad to.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, great. Thank you. Have fun!
Alumni Husband: Okay. [As Natalie prepares to get in her car, she overhears the couple talking]
Alumni Wife: Who is Captain Cool?
Alumni Husband: He was this weird guy, real nervous. Always worried about everything. He spent every weekend defrosting his refrigerator! So, we called him Captain Cool. [Natalie stops]
[Monk is talking with Todd, one of his classmates]
Adrian Monk: The last time I saw you was Mischief Night, 1981! You and your friends were throwing toilet paper everywhere, right?
Todd: Mischief Night.
Adrian Monk: That’s right.
Todd: Right. I don’t remember you.
Adrian Monk: I wasn’t with you. I was following you. I was cleaning up.
Todd: Was that you?
Adrian Monk: You had a girlfriend with short red hair.
Todd: Belinda.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Todd: Yeah. Yeah. She and I, we got married, but... she passed away.
Adrian Monk: Oh. My wife died, too.
Todd: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Trudy Ellison. Yeah.
Todd: It’s tough, huh? But you just have to move on.
Adrian Monk: No. We can’t move on. We can try, but we’ll never get past it. It’s unrelenting. All we can do is live out our days alone, in hopeless quiet, desperation.
Todd: Would you excuse me? I’m, um, I’m remarried. My family’s waiting for me.
[He points to his own family and walks over to them. As Monk watches, Natalie walks up and gently puts her arm around his]
Adrian Monk: [quietly] Thank you.
[Randy is at his desk. He notices something and rushes into Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? The lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When?
Lt. Randall Disher: Just now at my desk.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean... tell me about the pin, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk. He's been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think you're right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse at the university clinic for, like, twenty years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But she didn't graduate, so this isn't her pin.
Lt. Randall Disher: The killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [with realization] It fell off the killer... which means the killer is at the reunion... with Monk?
[Monk and Natalie are in the college cafeteria]
Natalie Teeger: Well this looks delicious! So this is where you ate? I mean was this your "hangout"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, I-I-I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just go.
Natalie Teeger: No! I'm not going to let you go! You've been looking so forward to this! [She grabs a tray from the salad bar]
Adrian Monk: I don't know what I was thinking. These people weren't my friends, okay? They don't even remember me! The truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just "the guy with Trudy," just like you're "the girl with me". [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why is your name on this spit-shield? [Cuts to a close-up of Monk's name on a small placard]
Adrian Monk: Well, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie Teeger: So you donated all of these? That is so generous of you!
Adrian Monk: Well actually, it was more of a lawsuit. Took up a lot of my spare time... [Dianne Brooks sees them and walks over]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian! There you are. We've been looking for you! [Dianne notices Natalie and looks at her suspiciously]
Natalie Teeger: Hi! I'm Natalie Teeger. [Natalie and Dianne shake hands]
Dianne Brooks: Hi. Dianne Brooks.
Natalie Teeger: I'm his assistant.
Dianne Brooks: Oh! Oh, so you two aren’t… [She points between Monk and Natalie. Natalie grins]
Natalie Teeger: No! [laughs]
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. Not…not…no.
Dianne Brooks: Ok. Where are you sitting?
Adrian Monk: Uh, we're not-
Dianne Brooks: Kyle and I are right over here. We saved you a seat. Oh, and fair warning - we brought a lot of pictures. [Natalie laughs and they start walking in that general direction]
Natalie Teeger: See? You have a friend!
Adrian Monk: Not really. She was Trudy's roommate, freshman year.
Natalie Teeger: Well she saved us a seat!
Adrian Monk: Out of pity. These are what we call "pity seats".
[Monk and Natalie are having lunch with Kyle and Dianne Brooks]
Natalie Teeger: So, Kyle, you didn’t go to Berkeley?
Kyle Brooks: Me? Hell, no. Community college. C.C. all the way. Never had much of that book learning.
Dianne Brooks: Kyle works for my father now. He’s one of our top salespeople.
Kyle Brooks: Yeah. It’s like Monopoly money. Daddy pays me, and I give it all to her.
Dianne Brooks: Kyle, not now. You promised.
Kyle Brooks: So, Adrian, what do you do?
Adrian Monk: I’m a private detective. I do some consulting.
Kyle Brooks: [gulps on his drink] Really? Sorry. You don’t look like a detective. [Dianne hands Natalie a photo]
Dianne Brooks: We don’t have any children, so we just show pictures of our house instead.
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Well it’s beautiful!
Dianne Brooks: We designed it ourselves, and that’s Tangerine. [Monk looks at a wallet photo of Dianne and Kyle, and their black mastiff, Tangerine]
Adrian Monk: Wait. Didn’t you used to have a dog named Tangerine?
Dianne Brooks: What a memory! That’s amazing! Trudy was always bragging about his amazing memory! That’s right. I had a poodle, junior and senior year, Tangerine.
Adrian Monk: That’s right.
Dianne Brooks: And then Kyle brought home this big ball of love a couple of weeks ago.
Kyle Brooks: Yeah. He was already named. That’s what they were calling him at the shelter. “Tangerine”.
Dianne Brooks: Isn’t that funny? I mean, what are the odds of that?
[Monk and Natalie are walking down a dormitory corridor]
Adrian Monk: ...one in a million, maybe one in a trillion!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Adrian Monk: Well how could the same person have two dogs, 25 years apart, just happened to be named Tangerine? "Tangerine"? And this Tangerine is black!
Natalie Teeger: Why would anybody lie about a dog's name?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, but... there is something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn't wait to meet me, but he didn't even know I was a detective!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! Let's have some fun! [snaps her fingers] You said you were going to show me your dorm room!
Adrian Monk: All right, well, it's right here.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh!
Adrian Monk: This is it, old #303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob! [The camera pans to a necktie hanging from the doorknob. Natalie laughs] My roommate and I did the same thing, it's a code.
Natalie Teeger: [grins] Yeah! I think I might know about that.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Means, "Don't come in! I'm reorganizing my closet!" [beat; Natalie stares at him incredulously]
Natalie Teeger: Your closet?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. My roommate in freshman year, Greg, he reorganized his closet, four or five times a week.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah. All the time. They were real neat freaks. I used to tease them about it. [clenches his teeth] "Neat freaks!"
[Monk freezes, noticing something in the student lounge]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God. Oh…my…God! [Natalie moves aside] I…can’t…believe it! [They walk in] He’s still here. Hello, old friend. [Monk walks over to the refrigerator] Remember me? Oh, I knew we’d meet again. It is our destiny! [Monk puts his hand on the freezer door] Natalie, put your hand right there. [Natalie smiles and puts her right hand against the door]
Adrian Monk: You feel that? [beat]
Natalie Teeger: No.
Adrian Monk: He’s afraid. Step back. Step back. [pulls his hand into his sleeve] I’m going in. [Monk opens the freezer door, revealing a large mountain of frost. Natalie grimaces, disgusted]
[Monk notices that a big wall of snow has built up inside the fridge in the student lounge]
Adrian Monk: [bites his lip] I'm going to need a spatula, a pan....and a Bible. [Natalie stares at him]
[Cuts to Monk defrosting the fridge with a blowdryer, spatula, and a dustpan while Natalie is napping on the couch]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There you are!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, what are you doing here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was about to give up when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator. Who's Captain Cool?
[Monk and Natalie stare at each other. Two students come through]
First Student: Captain Cool lives!
Second Student: The return of Captain Cool!
First Student: The Iceman cometh back! [They head down the hall, laughing raucously]
Adrian Monk: Might be me. [Stottlemeyer gives him a look that silently says, "I thought so." Monk turns and resumes defrosting]
Adrian Monk: Katherine Rutherford?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse here at the school clinic. [points to Monk's lapel pin] Found one of these near her body.
Adrian Monk: A reunion pin?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anyone missing a pin?
Adrian Monk: I haven't noticed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess not. [Randy comes up to them]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, Monk. How's memory lane?
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we have a name: Henry Kalimarakis.
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. 25 years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in. He threatened her; said she ruined his life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that's what the kids call a motive.
Natalie Teeger: Then he waited 25 years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let's check him out. Wanna come with?
Adrian Monk: Maybe later. I want to show Natalie the library.
Lt. Randall Disher: I was just there; there's nothing special.
Natalie Teeger: It's where he met Trudy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Have fun. [Monk and Natalie leave]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oops. I didn’t know he met Trudy there.
[Monk and Natalie are in the library]
Adrian Monk: I used to work here part-time. It was here. I was standing right here. It was a Tuesday, 4:30. She was wearing a white blouse. There was a button missing. There was a little thread sticking out.
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] You remember it like it was yesterday.
Adrian Monk: It was yesterday.
[Adrian recalls his first meeting with Trudy as he is organizing books]
Trudy Ellison: Excuse me. Hello. I can’t find a book. [Adrian looks at her] This is not the Dewey decimal system that I know and love. Do you work here?
Young Adrian Monk: Yes, I…yes, I do. Um, here’s the thing. Um, we’re reorganizing, and we’re moving all the stacks upstairs. What are you looking for?
Trudy Ellison: Trevor Rosenthal’s biography of Alexander Pope. Volume II.
Young Adrian Monk: Right. Yeah. I… [He walks over to another stack, grabs a book, and hands it to Trudy]
Trudy Ellison: [astonished] How did you do that?
Young Adrian Monk: I saw it last week.
Trudy Ellison: And you remembered?
Young Adrian Monk: If I see something once, I never forget it.
Trudy Ellison: That sounds pretty awful. My bad memory’s my salvation. [Adrian hands the book to her]
Young Adrian Monk: “Thus let me live, unseen, unknown. Thus unlamented, let me die. Steal…”
Trudy Ellison: “Steal from the world, and not a stone tell where I lie.” You know Alexander Pope. So you never forget anything? For example, you’re never going to forget this? Me, us, talking right now?
[Monk has explained to Natalie how he met Trudy]
Adrian Monk: And that’s how I got her number.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, wait, wait. You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it? You-you could do that?
Adrian Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie Teeger: That’s like a superpower! Like a very weird, not very useful superpower!
Adrian Monk: It took me three weeks to call her. It was the bravest thing I ever did. She was already dating that other guy Drew.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but she chose you! Never forget that! She chose you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don’t know why. And he was just written up in TIME Magazine last year. He’s a famous heart surgeon. He’s rich. He’s happy. What was she thinking?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Mr. Monk, she knew exactly what she was doing!
[Monk is looking at the cluttered information kiosk]
Adrian Monk: I can’t believe this kiosk got all cluttered again.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well, I guess you’ll have to just come back for your 50th. Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.
[As they are about to leave, Dianne Brooks shows up, nervous]
Dianne Brooks: Adrian! Oh my God, did you hear about Nurse Rutherford?
Adrian Monk: Uh, yes. We were just talking about it.
Dianne Brooks: Can you believe it? The police are here. They’re talking to everybody. They said she was killed.
Natalie Teeger: Were you close with her?
Dianne Brooks: I haven’t talked to her for years, but…well, still.
Adrian Monk: Horrible. It’s horrible.
[Kyle approaches Monk, Natalie and Dianne with an older woman in tow]
Kyle Brooks: Dianne. Hey, honey, are you okay? [gives Dianne a kiss on the forehead, and turns to the lady with him] The nurse who died, Rutherford, apparently Dianne used to know her. These things happen, right? I mean, it’s a big city. [Monk turns to the other woman]
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Kyle Brooks: Oh I’m so sorry. Have you all met? This is Trudy.
Gertrude: Gertrude.
Kyle Brooks: But your nickname’s Trudy, right?
Gertrude: I--I had an aunt that called me Trudy.
Kyle Brooks: So it’s Trudy! Trudy and I met over at the fountain, and I’ve invited her to join us for lunch.
Natalie Teeger: Okay! All right! Where are we eating?
Kyle Brooks: How about Rocco’s?
Dianne Brooks: Rocco’s?
Kyle Brooks: Rocco’s! Honey, you’ve been telling me about Rocco’s for years! You said it was your favorite hangout.
Dianne Brooks: Honey, I’m not even sure it’s still there!
Adrian Monk: No, no, no.
Kyle Brooks: It is. I checked.
Adrian Monk: Rocco’s…you don’t want…that place is terrible. They have this rotisserie thing in the window with this one sad, lonely hot dog, going around and around-
Kyle Brooks: It sounds great! Huh? Come on, I am not taking "no" for an answer! It’ll be my treat. Come on. Let’s go have lunch, huh?
[Monk and Natalie are roped into accompanying Kyle and Dianne Brooks to lunch]
Natalie Teeger: Who is this guy?
Adrian Monk: I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m eating at Rocco’s again! I used to have nightmares about that hot dog!
Natalie Teeger: Oh look! There's a reception for all current and past chess club members. Weren't you in the chess club? That sounds like fun. [Monk gives her an odd look] You never know. It might be fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing? [Monk is picking at weeds underneath the bench Natalie is sitting on]
Adrian Monk: Weeds.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere! What are you gonna do? Clean up the whole campus?
[Stottlemeyer is at the clinic's office]
Clinic Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford's employment file. [He hands a file to Stottlemeyer, who flips through it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they'd be in here, right?
Clinic Doctor: Yeah we'd have a copy of it, but I can't think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel; a great nurse. It's just heartbreaking. Say, did you go to school here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
Clinic Doctor: Oh you look familiar. Uh, maybe one of your kids?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time though, for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
Clinic Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Must be. [Randy walks up]
Lt Randall Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. [looks at his notes] Number One: it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He uh, got a waiver.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lt. Randall Disher: Right, and Number Two, he's dead. He died in 1995. [Stottlemeyer straightens up] And Number Three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s so there's no record of him returning to the United States-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Randy! Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but, could you read Number Two again?
Lt. Randall Disher: Okey-doke. Uh, he's dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right.......see, I probably would've stopped reading after Number Two. In fact I would have read Number Two first. [beat]
Lt. Randall Disher: You would have switched them?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices the file in Stottlemeyer's hand] Anything in her file?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Not a single complaint.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher interview Dianne Brooks about Katherine Rutherford]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That was a lovely wreath.
Lt. Randall Disher: She must have meant a lot to you.
Dianne Brooks: Katherine Rutherford saved my life. My senior year was really tough for me.
Adrian Monk: I remember. Your mother passed away.
Dianne Brooks: That’s right. I was in a really bad place. So, I wrote a note, a suicide note, and…I don’t even remember what it said, and I took 53 little white pills. Katherine was worried about me so she came by the apartment, she broke down the door, and she called 911. I wouldn’t be here today. A wreath, you know, a few flowers, it’s the least I could do.
[Kyle has roped Monk, Natalie and Dianne into playing touch football with him]
Kyle Brooks: Okay. Everybody, let’s huddle up. Come on, everybody in. All right. All right, Adrian, I want you to go out, and then cut over to the left.
Adrian Monk: [following Kyle's fingers on his palm] So that’s one inch up, and three inches to the left?
Natalie Teeger: No, no, Mr. Monk, it’s like a map. Like a scale map.
Adrian Monk: Okay. What’s the scale?
Kyle Brooks: I don’t know. Uh, one inch is 20 feet.
Adrian Monk: So, that’s 60 feet. I’m going to be in the shrubs. You’re sending me into the shrubs?
Kyle Brooks: Okay, you know what? Let’s keep it simple. All right? Everybody just go out, try and get open, and if you get the ball, don’t get touched!
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Give the ball to Mr. Monk. He hates being touched!
Kyle Brooks: All right, break! Here we go! Here we go! Adrian, you hike it to me. And ready, hike! [Monk hesitates to pick the ball up] Adrian, hike! [Monk continues to hesitate]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk. [Monk tries using his pinkies, then switches to his thumbs]
Guy on rival team: What’s up?
Natalie Teeger: Do it.
[Monk picks up the ball by its thread, trying his best barely to touch it with his fingers. He throws it at Kyle]
Guy on rival team: There it is! All right! [Kyle catches the ball. He throws it Natalie, and she throws it to Monk. He catches the ball, and like a ballerina weaves his way in slo-mo through the opponents]
Natalie Teeger: Look out! Go, go, go, go, go!
[Monk reaches the end zone]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah! Yeah, Mr. Monk! [jumps up and down in joy]
[Dianne is quarterback for the second round; she throws to Kyle, but the ball sails over him and breaks the protective glass covering the kiosk map behind him]
Kyle Brooks: Sorry! That was my bad! It was the sun in my eyes!
Dianne Brooks: Oh my God, that is so weird! I can’t believe that happened again!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Dianne Brooks: I broke a window in the science building, right over there, my senior year. I tried to force it open, and it just shattered. Guess the jinx continues, huh?
[Monk and Natalie are sitting at their own table during the reunion dinner. As they watch, Monk taps Natalie's shoulder and points at Kyle Brooks, standing with Dianne by the bar]
Adrian Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. [Natalie gives an exasperated groan] I think he wanted her to break that glass!
Natalie Teeger: Well why, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: And the dog? What about the dog with the same name and how he insisted that everyone eat at Rocco's? What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know! Maybe the guy is eccentric!
Adrian Monk: No, I'm eccentric. He's up to something. [The projecter displays a picture of Monk and Trudy sitting on a campus bench]
Natalie Teeger: Ooh! Yay! [claps enthusiastically to herself]
Woman at Next Table: That’s Trudy Ellison and…um…what was his name? [Natalie turns to her]
Natalie Teeger: Adrian Monk.
Woman at Next Table: No, that’s not it. Um, Anthony something. [Natalie taps her shoulder]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me. [points to Monk and repeats his name]
Woman at Next Table: No, no, that’s not it. It’s…what is his name? [Natalie squeezes Monk's hand reassuringly]
[Stottlemeyer steps up to the dais]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [flashes his badge] Whoa-whoa, excuse me! [Natalie taps Monk's shoulder] Could you kill the music please? Thank you.
[the music stops. Stottlemeyer picks up the microphone and receives feedback]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sorry to interrupt your dinner. Uh, this will just take a minute. My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I'm with the San Francisco Police Department, and we're working on a homicide investigation and could use your help. As you may know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford; she worked as a nurse at the university clinic. [Kyle and Dianne Brooks sit down with Monk and Natalie] Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibly someone in this room, might be involved. We're looking for information. If anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, or someone who might be missing a reunion lapel pin. The alumni- [the projector suddenly shows a picture of Stottlemeyer suited up in riot gear. Everyone except for Monk and Natalie begins booing at him. The projector then changes to an image of him throttling a protestor]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ha! All right! Hey, hey, hey! Settle down. Settle down, everybody! This- [takes a quick look at the picture being displayed] This is completely out of context. You can't tell the whole story from one photograph! [On cue, the projector shows an image of Stottlemeyer using a nightstick on another protester. After taking a few seconds of booing from the audience, he finally speaks up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You didn't have a permit!
Male Student: Yes we did!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It expired at noon! [The image changes to one of Stottlemeyer pointing at the clock tower, which clearly shows 12:05 PM]
Male Student: 12:06!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [quietly] Like I said, it expired at noon. Okay, calm down everybody. [Kyle and Dianne stand up. Dianne is visibly drowsy]
Kyle Brooks: You all right?
Dianne Brooks: Mmm-mmm.
Kyle Brooks: Want to leave?
Dianne Brooks: Mmm.
Kyle Brooks: [to Monk and Natalie] I’m gonna take her back to the hotel.
Natalie Teeger: What, is she all right?
Kyle Brooks: Yeah, she’s been feeling a little depressed lately. I’ll have her lie down, and we’ll be back for the last dance. [He escorts her out of the room. Monk and Natalie continue to stare at the slideshow, shocked. Monk shifts uneasily in his seat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, thank you very much. Thank you for your help.... [someone throws a napkin at him as he steps off the stage]
Lt. Randall Disher: You forgot to give them the toll-free number.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, I don’t think we’re going to get any hot leads from this group, Randy. [Natalie pulls a set of earrings from her purse]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, shoot! Dianne’s earrings. I forgot to give them back! [Stottlemeyer notices them]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hang on a second. [He takes the earrings, sets them down on a forensic sample in the case file, and holds it in front of Natalie] What do you think?
Natalie Teeger: Well it looks like they’re from the same set. I mean they match perfectly. [Monk notices a photo of Katherine Rutherford being displayed on the projector]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whose earrings are these?
Adrian Monk: Dianne Brooks. She and her husband left about a half an hour ago. He said she was depressed. He’s been saying that all week-
Lt. Randall Disher: Were they in town Friday night?
Natalie Teeger: Um, yeah, they got in the day before. [Monk stands up]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Captain, I think Dianne is in danger. I think her husband is planning to kill her. Tonight.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why did he kill the nurse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He had no choice! Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it!
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God, Mr. Monk! He could be doing it right now! [Stottlemeyer and Disher reach the registration station]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The registration sheets are all gone!
Adrian Monk: Oh!
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, do you have a cell phone number?
Adrian Monk: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you know where they stayed?
Adrian Monk: [sighs, exasperated] Some hotel!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are over two hundred hotels in this city, Monk! It’ll take us over five hours to check them all!
Adrian Monk: Hold on. Hold on! [rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times]
Lt. Randall Disher: What’s he doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don’t know. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: The hotel where they’re staying. It was on their registration form.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah? So?
Adrian Monk: When Dianne signed in… [flashback to Dianne filling her registration sheet out on Monk’s back] We were standing in line. She wrote…she wrote on my back. [Natalie smiles]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie Teeger: It's how he met Trudy! It’s his superpower!
Adrian Monk: Oh, there’s her name. Home address.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.
Adrian Monk: She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? [makes what almost appear to be muscle spasms as he tries to remember what Dianne wrote] She ordered the prime rib, medium rare.
Natalie Teeger: Keep going. It’s just below that!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E... Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No that’s the car they drove, Monk!
Natalie Teeger: Keep going. [Monk finally reaches the section with the hotel name]
Adrian Monk: There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: “B”?
Adrian Monk: It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”
Natalie Teeger and Captain Stottlemeyer: Bla…
Adrian Monk: “A.”
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Bla…The Blaza…
Lt. Randall Disher: The Blaza! Plaza!
Adrian Monk: B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Blakemore Hotel!
Lt. Randall Disher: It’s right up the street! [They take off]

Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink [5.07][edit]

[After taking a bullet for Dr. Kroger]
Harold Krenshaw: Monk... Monk... Come here, closer... Beat that!
Monk: I'm Adrian Monk, here to see Dr. Sorenson.
Receptionist: Fill this out.
Monk: It says to list your phobias.
Receptionist: That's right.
Monk: There are only five spaces.
Receptionist: You can use the back.
Monk: I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet] I might need another sheet. [she hands him another sheet, and repeats this a few more times]
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, I cannot continue to practice anymore after today. The police think that one of my patients killed Teresa Mueller. I should have seen it coming. I didn't; I missed it. This is all my fault.
Adrian Monk: This isn't happening. This can't be happening.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you I'll get you another doctor. I'll call you next week.
Adrian Monk: Okay! So it's not true! You're not retiring! I mean, you can't because... He can't retire...
Dr. Kroger: [to Natalie] This is step one in the grieving process: denial. [Monk comes back to Dr. Kroger]
Adrian Monk: Damn you, Charles! Damn you to hell! I hate you. I hate you! You are dead to me.
Natalie Teeger: That's not denial.
Dr. Kroger: No, that's step two, that's anger.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, we're all adults here. We can work this out. I can hire you full time, all right? Put you on payroll.
Dr. Kroger: This is step three, the bargaining. It usually doesn't go around this quickly.
Adrian Monk: Why me? Why is it always me? Everybody's always leaving me.
Natalie Teeger: Depression?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, step four.
Adrian Monk: This can't go on. I mean, it's just too much. Okay, you're right. It's not the end of the world. I'll just have to find another doctor. I owe you so much. Thanks to you, I think I can get past this. Thanks, doc.
Dr. Kroger: And finally, step five, acceptance.
Natalie Teeger: Thank God that's over. [Monk walks over to another police officer]
Adrian Monk: He can't retire! The man can't quit because he's not a quitter.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, what's going on?
Dr. Kroger: I don't know. It's like he's starting all over again, like he's in a loop. [Monk peeps through the window blinds]
Adrian Monk: I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KROGER! YOU ARE DEAD TO ME! You understand me? DEAD!
Dr. Kroger: I really should be heading home...

Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert [5.08][edit]

[first lines; roadie Stork Murray makes his way across the grounds]
Stork Murray: Hey Billy. Have you seen Kris Kedder?
Billy: Check his trailer. [Stork walks down the steps, and crosses over to a parked RV. He pounds on the door a few times. He turns and sees Kedder approaching]
Kris Kedder: Hey man. What's going on? [Stork pulls a CD out of his pocket] Where did you get that?
Stork Murray: Disk jockey I know. They sent him an advanced copy.
Kris Kedder: Do you like that cover? That was my idea.
Stork Murray: Stealing my credit, stealing my song, was that your idea, too?
Kris Kedder: What? Your name's not on there?
Stork Murray: No, don't give me that! "Peggy's Gone to Memphis, Words and Music by Kris Kedder"! You know, you told me if I kept my mouth shut, if I was a good boy, that you'd take care of me! [shrugs] I guess you figure I'm just some dumb roadie that you can rip off and nobody's going to care.
Kris Kedder: Okay, Stork, my man, let's just relax. Huh, I was going to talk to you about this. I'm going to offer you five grand.
Stork Murray: [scoffs] Five grand, for a hit song?!
Kris Kedder: Look, dude, you've got talent! You co-wrote a great song, but you don't understand how the business works.
Stork Murray: I didn't co-write anything! I wrote that song! Every note, every line! I let you take half-credit because you said it would jumpstart my career!
Kris Kedder: All right, all right, all right, all right! Look, shhh! Just keep your voice down. Come here.
Stork Murray: What's the matter? Don't want anybody to see us?
Kris Kedder: No, just come here! [He leads Stork over to a secluded spot behind the trailer]
Stork Murray: Yeah, hey, you know what, I don’t blame you! Rock and roll legend hasn’t written a half-decent song in ten years! But I've got some bad news for you, rockstar: I can prove I wrote that song. I made copies of the sheet music, sent it to myself, registered mail.
Kris Kedder: ....That's not legal.
Stork Murray: You want to bet your career on that? [Stork takes out his cell phone and dials a number off a slip of paper]
Kris Kedder: What are you doing?
Stork Murray: I'm calling a copyright lawyer! I'm taking my song back!
Kris Kedder: All right, look, you win, you get half-credit!
Stork Murray: Listen, Jackson. All right, my name is- [Kedder strikes Stork over the head with a beer bottle] Ow! [As Stork lies on the ground, dying, Kedder quickly takes his inhaler]
[Monk and Natalie show at the police station. Stottlemeyer is filing paperwork]
Natalie Teeger: Captain!
Adrian Monk: Captain, for the record, this was all her idea. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I could drive or had anything else to do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, I give up. What is it? [Natalie produces a check]
Natalie Teeger: It's a $34 dry cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no-no! We've already submitted this twice! It is a work-related expense, and we are entitled to compensation!
Adrian Monk: Not my idea.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but, there's nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, where is he?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, he's not here. He called in sick.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn't sound too good. He's got a bad fever and he's got a cough.
Adrian Monk: With that phlegmy flu thing? [Natalie waves her hands frantically to get Stottlemeyer's attention]
Natalie Teeger: Okay-okay! When Randy is not here, who is in charge of payout?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That would be the Assistant Disbursement Coordinator.
Natalie Teeger: And who is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [slams a filing cabinet shut] We don't have one. Is there anything else?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that about covers it.
[Stottlemeyer has received a phone call from his ex-wife]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [laughs] My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he’s gone to a rock show.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I used to do that! Play hooky. Go to rock shows. [Natalie looks at him skeptically]
Natalie Teeger: You did?
Adrian Monk: All the time.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I've gotta get up there and see if I can find him.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you need some help?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn't mind. Thank you. [starts towards the door]
Adrian Monk: I'll come with you.
Natalie Teeger: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: Of course I'm sure!
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry! I just can't picture you at one of these!
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city and see the Stones!
[Cuts to Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer walking through the parking lot]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh for God's sakes, it's gonna take me all day to find him here! I'm gonna miss a whole day's work! An entire day! I'm going to wring his little neck!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's just a kid! Don't you just want to stay out here for a minute and calm down before you go inside?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No!
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold on! What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie Teeger: It's the biggest festival of the year!
Adrian Monk: Festival? [Realizing Monk's mistake, Natalie bursts out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: Wait-wait-wait, Mr. Monk! You thought they were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit, like a museum?
Adrian Monk: Maybe. It's a perfectly understandable mistake.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
Adrian Monk: Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I’ll need a ride home.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not going home without my kid.
Adrian Monk: All right, look, I, I, I can’t…! [A passerby bumps into Monk]
Passerby: Move it!
Adrian Monk: I can’t do it! I, I can’t go in there!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, come on! The Captain needs you!
Adrian Monk: But there's-- 10,000 of them, and not even one of me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don’t you just go wait by the car?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’ll go wait by the car.
Natalie Teeger: OK, it’s going to be a while!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back. [trails off; as Natalie and Stottlemeyer stare at him in confusion]
[Natalie and Stottlemeyer reach the entrance. Stottlemeyer shows his badge]
Head Security Guard: How can I help you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I’m looking for my son.
Head Security Guard: Okay. [starts writing information down on paper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He’s fifteen…
Head Security Guard: [writes it down] "He’s fifteen...."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing a gray t-shirt. About 5’6”.
Head Security Guard: "...5’6”. Fifteen...."
Natalie Teeger: Isn’t he sixteen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, he’s sixteen.
Head Security Guard: Okay, sixteen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brown hair.
Head Security Guard: "...Brown hair...."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wearing an earring.
Head Security Guard: "...Earring." Which ear?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uhhhh....
Natalie Teeger: Left ear.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Left ear.
Head Security Guard: "...Left ear earring." Hey, listen, you got a picture? We can make copies and pass it out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. [pulls a photo of Jared out of his wallet; we can tell that it's obviously a very old photo] Well, that’s Jared. Jared Stottlemeyer.
Head Security Guard: [skeptically] He’s sixteen? This kid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, no, that’s an old picture.
Head Security Guard: You don’t have anything more recent? [Stottlemeyer searches his wallet, but comes up empty]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess not.
Head Security Guard: All right, look: I’m gonna do what I can. Meanwhile, you guys take these. [hands Stottlemeyer and Natalie passes] You’ll have full access, backstage, wherever you want. If you still can’t find him, we’ll make an announcement from the stage. All right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I appreciate it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [imagining Natalie is conversing with him] What? You think I don't spend enough time with Jared. [beat] Why, because I haven't got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn't mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? [beat] Oh, I get it: You think I'm avoiding the boys on purpose because I feel guilty about the separation, and the fact that I'm dating Linda. Is that it? [beat] Don't you ever shut up? All right, you go that way. Keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.
[Monk is left out in the parking lot, where there are several tailgate parties in progress]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Excuse me! There’s no dancing here! This is a parking area! This is for vehicles and people waiting for the Captain! I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules! [A man at one of the tailgate parties nearby turns to Monk]
Man at Tailgate Party: That’s right. You don’t. [Monk turns and sees a couple making out on the hood of Stottlemeyer's car]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?! Hey, this is the police captain’s car! How old are you? There’s no way you’re twenty-five! Excuse me! Attention, may I have your attention please?
[Monk is making his way through the crowd, searching for the payphones]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Sorry! [Monk tries turning to a man punching his fist in the air] Payphone? This way? That way? This way? That way? Sorry, am I heading towards a payphone?! [A blue beach ball hits him on the head] Hey!
Tan Girl: Over here! Over here! [Monk throws the ball to her]
Adrian Monk: Try to minimize the roughhousing! Can we? Phone?
[Monk finds the phones. He pulls out a handkerchief, preparing to grab the receiver, at which point he is struck by the same beachball]
Adrian Monk: Agh! All right, who threw that?! Who threw that? Gi-give me that! [The ball is tossed over to him] Who was it?! You have to watch what you're doing! I've seen people's eyes poked out with these things! Well, not poked out, but, cornea was scratched or bruised, or....discoloration! I'm next for the phone... [Monk walks into a port-a-potty a few feet to the left of the payphones and shuts the door behind him. A minute later, he exits, refreshed]
Natalie Teeger: Oh! Oh! [rushes over, exasperated] Mr. Monk! What are you doing?!
Adrian Monk: I was just...calling for a taxi; they're going to pick me up out front in about ten minutes! [Natalie smiles]
Natalie Teeger: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn't a phone booth!
Adrian Monk: No. No that wasn't a phone booth. Natalie, it was that horrible, plastic outhouse! [Natalie loops her arm around his and leads him away] Oh my God, what was I talking into?! Oh my God, where...where did I put that quarter?! For the love of God, Natalie! Where did I put that quarter?! [A repairman jimmies the port-a-potty next to them and Stork's body falls out]
Natalie Teeger: [gasps] Oh my God!
[A woman behind them screams. Natalie grabs Monk's shoulder and covers her mouth, shocked]
[Monk and Natalie are conversing after Monk's unexpected trip into a port-a-potty]
Adrian Monk: [wiping his neck] Oh, how long do you think I was in there?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. Maybe a minute!
Adrian Monk: That was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device, that one.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I know. I actually read that the Spanish Inquisition used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Adrian Monk: That wouldn't surprise me. [a beachball smacks Monk in the cheek] Ow! All--all right, it's-it's-it's time to go. [He starts to walk away; Natalie grabs him by the arm]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, Mr. Monk, we haven't found the Captain's son! [A young woman, Kendra Frank, appears]
Adrian Monk: Uh-
Kendra Frank: Excuse me! Excuse me! Hi. I heard some cops talking back there. They said you're some kind of detective?
Adrian Monk: That's true, I am "some kind of detective"....
Kendra Frank: Hi, I'm Kendra Frank. I'm a roadie with Trafalgar. [She shakes hands with Monk]
Adrian Monk: Now, here..... [Monk offers Kendra a wipe]
Kendra Frank: I was a friend of Stork's. [She hands Monk's wipe to Natalie] Here. [sighs] I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie Teeger: Uh-huh, and, uh, Stork is?
Kendra Frank: The roadie! [angrily] The roadie they just found!
Natalie Teeger: Oh! God, I'm so sorry. [Monk gives Kendra a puzzled look]
Adrian Monk: "Stork"?
Kendra Frank: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they're trying to say that he OD'd! Okay? That's impossible! He's been clean for 17 months! I know, I talked to him about it every day!
Natalie Teeger: Well, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm-
Kendra Frank: No, that's how I know there's something wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles! He was the only roadie I've ever met that didn't even have one tattoo! I mean he missed a whole South American tour last year because he wouldn't get vaccinated!
Natalie Teeger: Maybe he got over it. [A look of rage flashes across Kendra's face]
Kendra Frank: You don't just get over a phobia like that overnight!! Do you?!
Adrian Monk: No. [shakes his head] You don't.
Kendra Frank: So, please! [She holds up a leather "Trafalgar World Tour - 2001-2002" jacket in her left hand]
Adrian Monk: Wha--What is this?
Kendra Frank: Well they gave me his stuff, so, uh, it's his tour jacket. [Natalie holds Stork's jacket while Monk searches the pockets. He finds a folded piece of paper]
Adrian Monk: Is this a map?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I have one of those. They--they gave it out at the door. [Monk unfolds the map and sees a circle around the acupuncture tent with the time "7:30" underneath it]
Adrian Monk: You say he was afraid of needles?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: He had an...acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning-
Kendra Frank: What?! [Monk hands Kendra the map. After a brief glance, she looks up and glowers menacingly at him]
[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra are questioning an acupuncturist about her encounter with "Stork"]
Annie: Black bandanna and sunglasses?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, it was this morning around 7:30?
Annie: I remember. He was my first patient. [pause] Oh was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. [to her patient] How does that feel?
Adrian Monk: Horrible. [Monk recoils in pain as Annie inserts another needle into her patient's back] Ow! [Kendra shows Annie a picture]
Kendra Frank: Look, are you sure that's him? [We see it is a photo of Kendra and Stork posing together]
Annie: He was a friend of yours. I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Did he say anything?
Annie: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra Frank: [to Monk and Natalie] He loved Eric Clapton. [Annie fidgets around for something]
Annie: No.... [Monk touches a needle on Annie's patient, and the patient promptly writhes in pain. Natalie glares at Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Detective!
Annie: And he dropped this. [She shows them an earring]
Kendra Frank: Oh my God, I made this for him! He loved this earring! [Monk reaches out to try to straighten the same needle. Natalie swats his arm aside]
Adrian Monk: Did he say anything else? [Annie blanks out]
Kendra Frank: Please, Annie! I have to know!
Annie: [sighs] He asked me where could score some H.
Adrian Monk: Heroin. H. Starts with an "H," heroin. It's street talk.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah. I get it.
Annie: He said he was giving up; he wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles but he got over it.
Kendra Frank: I don't believe this!
Annie: Well I guess he's with Kurt, Jimi, and Janis now.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie Teeger: I'll tell you later.
Annie: Well then he paid me and left.
Adrian Monk: Did he... talk to anyone else?
Annie: No. Oh, but before he left, he helped some kid, some girl. She had a beachball. She was having trouble with it so he blew it up for her.
Adrian Monk: A blue beachball?
Annie: Mmm-hmm. I think so.
Adrian Monk: He blew that up? Thing almost killed me! I hate that beachball!
Kendra Frank: So it's true. They were right, he OD'd.
Adrian Monk: I'm so sorry....
Kendra Frank: Well, thank you for trying. [They start to walk away. Monk stops to touch a heat lamp bulb]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! No! No-no-no-no-no-no! That's 400 watts! [Monk withdraws his arm, and starts to walk away, but cannot resist stepping back to touch it with his right arm. Natalie tries to restrain his right arm] No! No! [Monk reaches his left hand over and burns his left pointer finger]
Adrian Monk: Ow! [He makes sure to burn his right pointer finger as well on the same bulb so that his hands are symmetrical, and then leaves]
[Monk and Natalie are at the first aid clinic after Monk has burnt his pointer fingers. The medic is giving Natalie an ointment]
First Aid Medic: This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp? [Natalie nods] Why?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
First Aid Medic: What about the other hand?
Natalie Teeger: He kept touching it. [pause; she waves her hand dismissingly] I don't know. [Monk walks over to the stretcher that Stork's body is resting on, screened off from the public. Natalie and the medic join him]
First Aid Medic: They found him in a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
Natalie Teeger: I know, we were there when it happened. He was so young.
First Aid Medic: Overdose. The medical examiner will be here soon. If you could just step back-
Adrian Monk: No-no-no. It's okay. I'm a police officer. At least I used to be. There's no mud.
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: On his boots. There's no mud. There was mud all around those outhouses.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, well they carried him out.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but who carried him in? [He pulls off the sheet covering the body] No other track marks. [notices the victim's personal effects] Are these his? [The medic nods. Monk picks up a rubber strap] This rubber strap was around his arm?
First Aid Medic: That's right. I took it off myself.
Adrian Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
First Aid Medic: [shrugs] It goes with the territory.
Adrian Monk: Natalie? [Natalie extends her right arm out. Monk gently drapes the strap above her elbow] Do they wrap it around like this, and tie it in a knot?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, like....like this. [With some difficulty, she uses her left thumb to create an improvised knot]
Adrian Monk: And then, they pull it tight with their teeth?
First Aid Medic: That's right.
Natalie Teeger: I'm not doing that!
Adrian Monk: There's no other way to tie off your own arm?
First Aid Medic: No, sir. [Monk looks at the strap more closely]
Adrian Monk: No teeth marks.
Natalie Teeger: Someone tied it for him.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are leading Jared back to the car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You're under house arrest; you're grounded for two weeks! [Monk, Natalie and Kendra catch up with them]
Adrian Monk: Captain! Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, can we get out of here? [notices Kendra] Who's this?
Natalie Teeger: This is Kendra. She's a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Overdose?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. I think he was murdered. We can't leave yet.
[Kris Kedder is playing "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"]
Kris Kedder: [singing] "Peg, I miss you so-" [Monk, Natalie and Kendra show up. Kedder stops]
Kendra Frank: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're with the cops.
Roadie in Hawaiian shirt: Cops?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, they're looking into what happened to Stork.
Kris Kedder: What's the big mystery? He's been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him. [Kendra glares at Kedder]
Kendra Frank: When did you try to help him? [to Monk] See now that he's dead, everyone's his best friend! [to Kedder] Where were you when he was sinking?
Kris Kedder: Where were you?
[Kedder resumes playing. Monk and Kendra exchange looks]
Kris Kedder: "Peggy's gone to Memphis / She didn't wanna go / Signed that piece of paper / Now Daddy's all alone..."
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice song.
Kris Kedder: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two. I've got my eyes on this new beachhouse.
Adrian Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock-and-roll... song singer? [Several of the young women sitting behind Kedder stifle laughs]
Kris Kedder: I guess I am. [Monk produces an evidence bag containing the guitar string Stottlemeyer found in the outhouse]
Adrian Monk: Right. This was found at the [crime] scene. It is from a 12 string guitar.
Natalie Teeger: You're the only musician that has one.
Kris Kedder: I am.
Roadie in Hawaiian Shirt: So what are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let's all just chill, you know, out.
Kris Kedder: Hey man, anybody could have taken it. I don't lock my case. [He plays another chord, off-key]
Adrian Monk: You're out of tune? [Kedder looks up]
Kris Kedder: Do you play, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: A little bit. Clarinet.
Kris Kedder: Wow, clarinet? Hey, man, you and I should jam some time. When I'm, like, 87 years old.
Adrian Monk: You have mud on your boots. [Kedder lifts up his foot so Monk can see the soles of his boots]
Kris Kedder: Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
Adrian Monk: It's just that I don't see mud on anybody else's shoes.
Kris Kedder: I see some on yours. [Monk lifts up his foot to look at the soles of his shoes. Kedder and the women laugh. Monk quickly turns to Kendra]
Adrian Monk: You were going to show me where Stork lived?
Kendra Frank: Yeah, he had a camper. It's back here. [She starts walking in that direction]
Kris Kedder: It's locked.
Kendra Frank: I have a key. He trusted me.
[Monk, Natalie, and Kendra enter Stork's trailer, joined by Kedder]
Adrian Monk: He lived in here? [Kendra grins]
Kendra Frank: Yeah! He loved it! Between gigs he’d take off, camp out. Sometimes I’d go with him. [She picks up and admires a picture]
Adrian Monk: What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy? [Kedder takes a shot from his inhaler. Monk and Natalie glare at him]
Kris Kedder: Asthma. Since I was a kid.
Natalie Teeger: Huh, it smells like mint.
Kris Kedder: It's imported from Denmark. Want a hit?
Natalie Teeger: No thanks. [Monk turns over an A to Z rhyming book lying on a table]
Adrian Monk: Rhyming dictionary? [Kendra looks up at Monk and smiles]
Kendra Frank: Yeah, he was writing songs. That was his dream. He was really shy about it, though. He wouldn’t even play me his stuff. [Natalie notices a photo of a little girl]
Natalie Teeger: Who's this?
Kendra Frank: Oh, that's his daughter, Margaret.
Natalie Teeger: Oh no! Where is she?
Kendra Frank: Tennessee. Her mom moved her there after they split. I guess I should call them. I know I have their number somewhere. [Kedder suddenly slaps his head]
Kris Kedder: Oh hell! I'm late. [Monk, Natalie and Kendra turn towards him] Gotta go be famous. I'll catch you later. [He leaves, but Monk stops him]
Adrian Monk: "You'll catch me later"? [Kedder chuckles, and leaves. Monk resumes searching the trailer, but he looks uneasy]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Something's wrong. Did either of you move anything? [Natalie and Kendra look at each other]
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. No.
Kendra Frank: No. [beat]
Adrian Monk: Something's different. [points to a spot above one of the windows] There was an envelope; a white envelope right there.
Kendra Frank: There was? [Natalie grabs a blue slip of paper from the spot on the wall Monk is pointing at]
Natalie Teeger: Huh, it's a receipt. "Registered mail." He mailed something to himself. [Kendra peeks over Natalie's shoulder]
Kendra Frank: I remember that. That was about six months ago. I went to the post office with him. He was mailing sheet music to himself. He called it his "insurance policy".
Natalie Teeger: What song?
Kendra Frank: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I think I do: the song Kris Kedder was just singing.
Kendra Frank: "Peggy's Gone to Memphis". [Monk takes notice of the photo of Stork's daughter]
Adrian Monk: Kedder didn't write that song. Stork wrote it about his daughter. "Peggy" is short for "Margaret"; "Peggy's Gone to Memphis"!
Kendra Frank: Oh my God! He just took that envelope! [Monk turns to Kendra]
Adrian Monk: Can't prove anything without that envelope! [He bolts out the door, followed by Natalie and Kendra]
[Monk, Natalie and Kendra rush through the crowd towards the stage to get the incriminating envelope back from Kris Kedder, who is performing the stolen song on stage]
Adrian Monk: Coming through!
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! [They stop as the flamethrowers go off, to thunderous applause from the crowd]
Adrian Monk: Think he still has it on him?
Natalie Teeger: I don’t know.
[During the bridge leading into the next chorus, Kedder suddenly takes out the envelope and displays it tauntingly in Monk's direction]
Kendra Frank: He’s going to burn it! Go, go, go, go!
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! [They shoulder their way through the crowd, but as they do so, Kedder drops the envelope and it is burned when the flamethrower goes off again. Monk and Natalie stare at each other in disbelief]
[Stottlemeyer is talking to a repairman]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up? [He shows the handyman a handwritten "OUT OF ORDER" notice]
Maintenance Employee: Not me, no.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Employee: Yes, sir. We had to jimmy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [speaks into his walkie-talkie] He says it was locked from the inside. [Monk is on the hill, communicating with Stottlemeyer]
Adrian Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know, it would help things if you were to stand a little closer.
Adrian Monk: That's not gonna happen. Over. [Natalie and Kendra are waiting behind the barrier]
Kendra Frank: So this is how he does it? From a hundred feet away?
Natalie Teeger: Not all the time! [Stottlemeyer looks inside the port-a-john]
Annoyed Girl in line: How long are you gonna be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, miss. This is a crime scene.
Annoyed Girl in line: With only one cop?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, it's not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He's a cop. [points to Monk] And this guy here's a police officer. [gestures to Randy, who is looking towards the stage]
Lt. Randall Disher: These guys are great. Oh I hope they do "Killer Machine". [calls out] "KILLER MACHINE!" [Natalie and Kendra are not impressed]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [into his walkie-talkie] I'm checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Adrian Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. There's no rust. [He finds a guitar string on the floor] Hold on. I've got a little piece of wire here. It looks like a guitar string. [shows it to Jared] Is that a B-string?
Jared Stottlemeyer: No, it' a D; a high-D from a 12-string guitar.
[As Stottlemeyer searches the crowd for Jared, he notices Randy in attendance. He pulls out his cell phone and calls someone. In the foreground, Randy's phone rings]
Lt. Randall Disher: [pretending to be wheezy] Hello?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy! How're you doing, buddy? I-I was worried about you.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep?
Lt. Randall Disher: [coughs] What time is it? [long pause]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry! Did I wake you up? [pause] Hey, what's that music I hear?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, [pretends to cough] it's my stereo. It's broken! I can't turn it down!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's loud!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher: I’m going to get up now. I think I should make myself some soup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, soup? That’s good. Yeah, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids..
Lt. Randall Disher: Fluids. Okay, I will. Thanks for calling, Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Take care. [Randy hangs up, turns to a woman next to him and says]
Lt. Randall Disher: My boss! [Stottlemeyer puts his hand on Randy's shoulder, and Randy spins around] Whoa. Captain.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [glaring at him] Lieutenant.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. I'm looking for Jared.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, here's what happened with me: I was on my way to a doctor, and uh... I got nothing. Let's go find Jared. [takes one last sip of his beer before setting it down and walking away with Stottlemeyer]
[Stottlemeyer goes over to Jared after speaking with the coroner]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Jared. Thanks for your help with that guitar string.
Jared Stottlemeyer: I didn’t do anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure you did. That was an important clue, and I might have missed it without you. We make a pretty good team, huh?
Jared Stottlemeyer: What is that? [points at a black-and-white poster that reads "Runaway Child; Jared Stottlemeyer; Contact Security Ext. 17"]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Runaway child? [Stottlemeyer takes it down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess we don’t need this anymore.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Where’d they get that picture from?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It was went we went to Cabo.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Was that the only one you had?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Jared, it doesn’t mean anything. It's--It's a new wallet.
Jared Stottlemeyer: It’s not a new wallet, liar! I bet you have a thousand pictures of your girlfriend in there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, please.
Jared Stottlemeyer: "A pretty good team", huh? Not a team at all. Or a family.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, this has been tough on me, too. I lost my family too. [He crumples up the poster and throws it away]
[Monk delivers his summation over the noise of the song being performed on stage]
Adrian Monk: And then he stuffed him into the hell-hole!
Natalie Teeger: You mean the port-a-john!
Adrian Monk: No I mean the hell-hole!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The hell-what?!
[Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Monk that there is no evidence to allow them to arrest Kris Kedder for killing Stork, but Monk notices a blue beachball in the air]
Adrian Monk: Beachball! The beachball!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me? [Cuts to black-and-white flashback of Kedder blowing up the beach ball as Annie observes]
Adrian Monk: When he was pretending to be Stork, and when he was still--still in disguise, Kedder blew up--that blue beachball!
Lt. Randall Disher: There will be a million fingerprints on that ball, Monk!
Adrian Monk: The proof is not on the beachball; it's in the beachball!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, the asthma!
Lt. Randall Disher: In the beachball?
Adrian Monk: Kris Kedder has asthma. He uses an inhaler; a very distinctive inhaler.
Natalie Teeger: And it's mint flavored! It's one-of-a-kind!
[Jared has caught the incriminating ball on top of the scaffolding for one of the speakers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good job, son. Give me the ball.
[Kedder climbs the adjoining ladder]
Kris Kedder: No, don’t. Don’t you do it! He’s a cop. What’s your name?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Jared.
Kris Kedder: Jared.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared, this is very important! Give me the ball!
Kris Kedder: Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know, I don’t. I like your shirt.
Jared Stottlemeyer: Thanks, man.
Kris Kedder: You play?
Jared Stottlemeyer: Yeah!
Kris Kedder: Me and you, we should jam sometime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jared! Listen to me! If he deflates that ball, we don’t have a case!
Kris Kedder: Dude, he’s trying to set me up because of what I am, what I represent.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That’s nonsense, Jared! [becoming desperate] You might not like me, but you know me!
Kris Kedder: Hey. You don’t trust cops, do ya?
[long pause]
Jared Stottlemeyer: I trust this one. [throws it to Leland]
Kris Kedder: Don’t, don’t, don’t do it! [Randy handcuffs him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Let's go!
Kris Kedder: Punk!
[last lines. Kedder is being led in handcuffs to a police car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to a uniformed cop] Be careful with this. Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
Officer: Yes sir.
[Monk and Natalie see Randy's new Kris Kedder T-shirt]
Lt. Randall Disher: Check this T-shirt out. Sweet, huh?
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, that's going to be worth a fortune when he's convicted!
Lt. Randall Disher: Exactly. So Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I still like the old songs. Why don't people write old songs?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk. [They leave for the parking lot while Stottlemeyer and Jared stop at a take-your-own-photo booth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, we'll meet you guys back at the car. [to Jared] Hey Jared. How 'bout a picture for my wallet? So I have a good one for the next time you take off. [Stottlemeyer and Jared sit in the photo booth, and they receive three photos - one of them with no emotion, one of them with Randy in the middle, and one of just Stottlemeyer and Jared sitting and smiling]

Mr. Monk Meets His Dad [5.09][edit]

[Ben Glazer drives out in a Tiger Bay Trucking rig to the country house of his partner Kenneth Woods. Woods greets him out front]
Kenneth Woods: Ben.
Ben Glazer: Hey partner! Merry Christmas.
Kenneth Woods: When are you going to break down and buy a car?
Ben Glazer: Hmm? I own seventy-two rigs. Why should I buy a car? [notices Kenneth's tie] And what the hell are you wearing there?
Kenneth Woods: Yeah, I know, it's pretty awful. It's from the Christmas party. Gu-guess who my Secret Santa was?
Ben Glazer: Hmmm.
Kenneth Woods: Monk.
Ben Glazer: Monk? I thought you were going to fire his ass.
Kenneth Woods: Well I didn't have the heart. You know, it's Christmas.
Ben Glazer: Hell, I don't do it. It should've been done a long time ago. So what's so important? Hmm? We being audited, or the depot burn down or something? [Woods hands him some papers] Looks like you were in my office.
Kenneth Woods: It's our office, Ben. We're partners, remember? At least I thought so, these are forgeries.
Ben Glazer: Kenneth, you're an accountant. You don't know the first thing about maintenance-
Kenneth Woods: Do I have to call Chicago and cross-check these invoices?! Because I will! [Glazer sighs] You-you-you-you've been buying recycled parts for these rigs and pocketing the difference?
Ben Glazer: I don't believe this! You know, after nine years-
Kenneth Woods: It's not just the money! We have seventy two drivers on the road. Now what if something happens?
Ben Glazer: Hey, partner! Relax! Because unless you have proof, and I mean real proof...
Kenneth Woods: I have proof. There's proof in every engine, in every truck in the fleet! [starts towards Woods's rig] You want proof?
Ben Glazer: Well...
Kenneth Woods: You wanna see proof?! [He lifts up the hood on Glazer's truck] I know enough, my friend. [Woods climbs up and points to some parts in the running engine] Exhibit A: that manifold. Now, according to this [sheet], it's brand new. But look at it: the gasket's loose! It's all rusted out, if that thing cracks, the engine's going to blow! I don't want that responsibility, do ya-! [His tie gets caught in the engine and starts choking him] Ben? [Glazer grabs a pocket knife as if to cut Woods's tie] Hey, cut me loose, Ben! [Glazer reaches forward as if to help. Instead, he kicks Woods's foot that is using a tire to prop him up, and looks away as the engine finishes killing Woods]
Holding Cell Inmate: What are you doing?
Jack Monk: I'm speed-reading.
Holding Cell Inmate: What's your rush?
Jack Monk: I'm old.
Holding Cell Cop: Jack Monk, your son is here.
[Jack stands up and sees Stottlemeyer]
Jack Monk: I'm looking at you, but I see your mother.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, no sir, I'm Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Adrian.
Jack Monk: [covering] That man looks just like your mother!
Jack Monk: What I want? Two things. A: forgive me. Forgive your father. I was negligent and I was selfish, and I'm very sorry. And B is: get me the hell outta Dodge. But if you can only do one, I'll take B. I gotta be in Phoenix in the morning.
Adrian Monk: He never loved me! He doesn't love anyone except maybe Jack, Jr.!
Natalie Teeger: Jack, Jr.?
Adrian Monk: His other son! He gave him a bike! I never got a bike!
Natalie Teeger: [aside] There's another brother!
Stottlemeyer/Disher: Whoa...
[Jack and Adrian's truck is careening down the hill, out of control.]
Jack Monk: I gotta say something: I'm sorry! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you and Ambrose! I'm so sorry! Oh, I'm a bad father! That's all that matters!
Adrian Monk: You're not a bad father! Look at Jack, Jr.!
Jack Monk: He's a putz!
Adrian Monk: What?
Jack Monk: Actually, he's not even a putz! He dreams one day of becoming a putz! He lives downstairs in my basement, he smokes pot all day long, he steals money from my wallet!
Adrian Monk: He's not a doctor?
Jack Monk: No, I made it all up! I lied! I wanted to have a son I could be proud of! I didn't know I had one in San Francisco.

Mr. Monk and the Leper [5.10][edit]

[Monk is STILL scrubbing his hands the morning after he first meets Derek Bronson]
Adrian Monk: Any more soap?
Natalie Teeger: [sighs] That’s it.
Adrian Monk: No, I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco?
Natalie Teeger: [exasperated] Mr. Monk! You’ve been scrubbing your hand for nine hours! I’m surprised you have any skin left!
Adrian Monk: It’s not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it’s spreading. [He reaches down and pulls out a can from under the sink]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing? Is that kerosene?! [Monk douses his hand and tosses a match to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Light me!
Natalie Teeger: [laughs] What?!
Adrian Monk: For the love of God, light me!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, I’m not going to light your hand on fire!
Adrian Monk: Fine. [Monk goes over to the stove, puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he prepares to put his hand into a boiling pot of water. Natalie stops him]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You know what? Get away! You are overreacting, all right! All you did was shake a man’s hand!
Adrian Monk: You’re right. You know what? I’m glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Exactly!
Adrian Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now. [wipes his hand] I’m free! [tosses his handkerchief to Natalie. She laughs] Wait. [reaches up to the cabinet and rotates a pot handle] Okay, now, I’m free.
Natalie Teeger: [grimaces] Uh, actually, Mr. Monk, it’s not completely over. Don’t be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Adrian Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie Teeger: He called here this morning.
Adrian Monk: The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?! [points to the kitchen phone]
Natalie Teeger: Yes. [Monk wraps the phone up in paper towel, and puts it in the trash] Mr. Monk, you can’t catch anything over the phone!
Adrian Monk: Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you’re an expert on lepers?!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he’s a nice man, all right? He’s in pain! He was crying his eyes out and…okay, listen to me. He upped his offer: he said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you: No! [beat]
Natalie Teeger: That’s it? That’s your argument?
Adrian Monk: Okay, let’s go through it: A) Whatever he’s asking us to do is probably illegal. "B" through "Z": the man is a leper!
Natalie Teeger: You know what, I don’t know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He’s a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let’s just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can’t hurt to listen, right? $25,000!
[Monk and Natalie are in Dr. Polanski's waiting room. Monk is holding his breath]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? Are you holding your breath? [She squeezes Monk's cheeks to decompress them, at which point she notices some photos on the wall] Is that Randy? [Monk and Natalie walk over and take a look] Oh, my God, that is so funny. [We see four photos of Randy, covering in pimples and acne] Not funny in a “ha-ha” way, but funny in a “Oh, boy, this’ll really embarrass him!” way.
[Dr. Polanski enters]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Miss Teeger? Sorry to keep you waiting, I’m Dr. Polanski.
Natalie Teeger: [shakes his hand] Hi. So…so nice to meet you. This is my boss, this is Adrian Monk.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Hi. [Monk shakes his hand and snaps his fingers at Natalie to gesture for a wipe]
Natalie Teeger: Thank you for seeing us. It won’t take much of your time.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, Doctor, could I ask you one thing?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Certainly.
Natalie Teeger: Right over here. [leads Dr. Polanski over to Randy's photos]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: What?
Natalie Teeger: Is that Randy Disher?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Yeah, Randall was one of my first patients. Do you know him?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, I know Randy Disher, I don’t know that kid.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, you know, teen years. I don’t know how any of us survived it. We could talk over here. Come on.
[Monk and Natalie are talking to Dr. Polanski]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Well, how about this: if you do contract the disease, I'll treat you for free.
Adrian Monk: What the hell are you talking about? How about this: we never call the guy back, we don't see him again, I avoid him like the plague. Yeah, you know what? Exactly like the plague!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reading a newspaper article] “Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?
Adrian Monk: Leprosy. He’s a leper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh my God!
Lt. Randy Disher: I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Natalie Teeger: Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
Adrian Monk: I shook his hand. I can still feel it!
Natalie Teeger: He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, I think you might know him. Dr. Polanski?
Lt. Randy Disher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Aaron Polanski?
Lt. Randy Disher: No, can’t say that I do.
Natalie Teeger: Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Lt. Randy Disher: Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You’re on your own, Randy.
Adrian Monk: It’s still tingling.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.
[During the probate hearing]
Nephew's Lawyer: Mr. Monk, is this the man you saw? [shows Monk a photo of a younger Derek Bronson]
Adrian Monk: I believe it is.
Nephew's Lawyer: According to your testimony, you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage. Hardly ideal conditions.
Adrian Monk: It’s true.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, Mr. Bronson’s nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I am reluctant to make a decision based on one man’s testimony.
Mandy's Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge Lawrence Barr: Well, there’s a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk? Would you mind standing up and turning around? [Monk stands up and turns away from the judge] Could you describe my shirt? [beat]
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Judge Lawrence Barr: "Which one?"
Adrian Monk: The shirt you're wearing, or the shirt that your stenographer is wearing? That's your shirt, too, isn't it?
Judge Lawrence Barr: Uhh...
Adrian Monk: You cut yourself shaving, and there's a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
Judge Lawrence Barr: What are you implying?
Adrian Monk: You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards and one of her earrings fell off. So, it’s right here. Under here. [Monk walks over to the couch, picks up the earring with his tweezers, and sets it down on the table] She must have torn her blouse. I can see it sticking out of her briefcase. Your honor? [beat]
Judge Lawrence Barr: I’m ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk’s word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.
[Julie is taking some French fries out of the oven]
Adrian Monk: No! Your mom said no junk food. I'm supposed to be babysitting you.
Julie Teeger: Um, I don’t think so! Mom said I was supposed to be watching you!
Adrian Monk: You are mistaken.
Julie Teeger: Are you getting paid?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am.
Julie Teeger: How much?
Adrian Monk: I think that is between me and your mother. Are you?
Julie Teeger: $8 an hour.
Adrian Monk: An hour? [pause] I guess you're the boss.
[Monk realizes he was conned]
Adrian Monk: Julie, I was duped! It was all a con!
Julie Teeger: A leper-con.
Adrian Monk: What?
Julie Teeger: [giggles] Was he magically delicious?
[Natalie bursts in, having come back from her date with Dr. Polanski]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, thanks, I'll talk to you later! Bye! [She immediately runs to the sink and turns on the faucet, and starts drinking directly from the flexible tap] Hotter! I need it hotter!
Julie Teeger: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie Teeger: I'm fine! [gargles]
Julie Teeger: How was your date?
Natalie Teeger: It was great! Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something: I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine! Go-go-go-go-go! [soon, Monk and Natalie are speaking simultaneously]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, listen to this! / Natalie Teeger: I’ve got to tell you something!
Adrian Monk: We’ve been duped! Are you ready for this? / Natalie Teeger: I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not going to believe this!
Adrian Monk: He [Derek Bronson]’s not a leper! / Natalie Teeger: ...He [Dr. Polanski]’s a leper! Oh God! [Natalie forcefully opens a bottle of soap]
[Monk and Natalie sneak back to Mandy Bronson's house, carrying a stepladder]
Adrian Monk: Do you have the camera? You better have the camera.
Natalie Teeger: Ugh, what are we looking for?
Adrian Monk: Evidence, proof, anything! Uh, how could I not have seen it? Derek Bronson is not a leper! [Natalie sets down the ladder and props it against the wall] Hey, watch it! Derek Bronson is dead. His wife killed him seven years ago, and she’s been living off his money ever since. And she-
[Natalie gargles mouthwash and spits it out on the lawn]
Adrian Monk: Watch the shoes! [Natalie takes another swig of mouthwash and begins gargling] She knew that when he was declared dead, officially, the will would kick in, the nephews would get everything, and the party would be over. So, she found someone who resembled Derek, and she either hired him or seduced him to suddenly "reappear" [makes air quotes with his fingers].
[Natalie finishes gargling and spits on the lawn]
Adrian Monk: Will you please? [As he talks, Natalie takes another swig of mouthwash, gargles, and spits it out again] And that’s why they chose me. Adrian Monk, the perfect patsy! They knew about my problems. They knew I’d never take a good look at the guy! So, there never really was a leper. Except for the guy you were making out with all night.
[Natalie looks at him for a moment, then takes a big gulp of mouthwash]
Adrian Monk: Are you drinking that?
Natalie Teeger: [gulps] Mmm-hmm!
Adrian Monk: [shocked] Where’s the woman who’s been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, you know what? It’s not funny! You didn’t have your tongue down his throat!
Adrian Monk: Well I shook hands with one! That’s bad enough!
Natalie Teeger: Your leper wasn’t even a real leper! My leper was the real deal!
Adrian Monk: I thought he was real! That’s what counts! You know the old saying, “There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the Phony Leper”? [beat]
Natalie Teeger: No! I never heard that one!
Adrian Monk: Well, it’s a saying. Up you go!
Natalie Teeger: Up you go!
Adrian Monk: Up you…Up…go.
Natalie Teeger: Go.
[Randy visits Dr. Polanski’s office. He walks over to the wall of photographs and eyes the photos of himself]
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, no, I’m just browsing.
Receptionist: Browsing for what?
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, did I say “browsing”? Uh, no, I’m waiting. Just waiting for someone. [Randy takes a seat, and browses through a magazine on dermatology. He then looks at his photographs hanging on the wall. The receptionist leaves her desk, at which point, Randy gets up, walks over to the wall, and casually pulls one of photographs, but it won’t budge. Randy struggles to remove the frame, causing him to receive stares from an old lady in the waiting room. With the photo stuck on so well, Randy takes a pen to pry the frame off. As he struggles with this method, it ends up causing all of the other frames that aren’t glued to the wall to fall off. Randy finally manages to remove the frame - and the drywall it’s glued on to - just as Dr. Polanski comes in]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Randall! What a nice surprise. [sees the hole on the wall, and Randy holding his photo]
Lt. Randy Disher: Hey, Doc. This fell off the wall. [hands the frame over]
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Right. Yeah. Not to worry. We’ll just toss it.
Lt. Randy Disher: Thanks.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: That’s okay. Well, you’re looking good.
Lt. Randy Disher: Thanks. Well, uh, I’ll see you around.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Take care.
Lt. Randy Disher: Oh, hey, I, uh, hear you’re dating a friend of mine, a uh, Natalie Teeger.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Oh, yeah, she’s amazing, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.
Lt. Randy Disher: Really. She couldn’t handle it, huh? [He starts to inconspicuously wipe his hand] Some people.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Actually, I’ve been trying to reach her, to give her a heads up. I think Derek Bronson lied to her. I mean, he told her he’s been living on Kimino Island, but I checked this morning, and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Lt. Randy Disher: Really?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Mmm-hmm. I mean maybe that guy wasn’t really Bronson. I mean, all those bandages?
Lt. Randy Disher: I don’t know, I mean, the wife met him. It’s funny, though, we…we’re working on another case as missing persons. We were gonna talk to Monk about it. We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases. [he stands up] I think I’m gonna stop by and have a chat with the wife. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Can I come with you? If Natalie is in trouble, I’d just like to be there.
Lt. Randy Disher: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Oh, that’s great. Thank you. [Randy is appalled when Dr. Polanski pats his back]
Lt. Randy Disher: Why don’t we take separate cars?
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Randy, I’m not contagious!
Lt. Randy Disher: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant. Is that what you thought I meant? I mean, is that what you…hell, no.
Dr. Aaron Polanski: Come on.

Mr. Monk Makes a Friend [5.11][edit]

[The police are investigating the crime scene at Gail Segalis's apartment. As a CSI tech covers the body with a sheet, Randy picks up a music box, which starts playing]
Natalie Teeger: I love this song. My grandfather used to sing it to me all the time.
[Monk is looking around the bathroom with Stottlemeyer, but he seems distracted by the toilet seat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You OK?
Adrian Monk: Uh, yeah. Can we uh, you think we can put down the, uh, the um....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The toilet seat? [Monk gestures "Yes"] Nope, tech guys haven't been here yet. We can't touch anything.
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. [He steps back into the bathroom, his back to the toilet seat] Okay, so uh, somebody was in this shower. And then, uh.... So the, uh.... [scoffs] I can't, I can't think, um..
[Stottlemeyer sighs, grabs a set of tweezers from Monk's coat pocket, and places the evidence number marker on top of the toilet tank. He then pushes the toilet seat down. He then offers them back to Monk]
Adrian Monk: Agh, keep them.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [puts the tweezers in his pocket] Okay. [Monk looks at the candles. He dabs his finger in one and finds a small puddle of water in them]
Adrian Monk: The candle's full of water. [He feels the towels on the rack with the back of his hand] These are soaking wet. Okay, he was in the shower, something happened. She said something, he was upset. He opened the shower curtain, didn't even bother to stop to turn off the water. He grabbed the top towel, ran into the other room and killed her. [Monk and Stottlemeyer make simultaneous rapidfire gestures as they pantomime the pace at which the events unfolded]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're pretty damn good when the toilet seat's down. [Randy comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? We know her, er, knew her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Knew who?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, the victim. She was a dispatcher at the old precinct.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding!
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher go into the room where the body is lying. Stottlemeyer lifts up the sheet covering the body far enough to see the face]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh yeah! About ten years ago. Gail something.
Adrian Monk: Gail, Gail Segalis. Oh my god, I used to carpool with her! [sighs] She was always talking about trips she wanted to take. She said if she ever made it to the Parthenon, she was going to send me a picture. [Randy notices some pictures on the coffee table]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, it looks like she made it. [Stottlemeyer looks through the pictures and finds a photo of Gail with Tim Hayden]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey. Is this a boyfriend? I love boyfriends! Let's find him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: [notices a wine container] What's this?
Lt. Randall Disher: What have you got?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. [Randy looks at the container]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well the price is in Euros. She brought it back with her.
Adrian Monk: Where's the wine?
Lt. Randall Disher: [shows him the cork] Probably drank it.
Adrian Monk: Where's the bottle?
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are interviewing Gail Segalis's ex-boyfriend Tim Hayden]
Tim Hayden: [looking at a photo of Gail and him] I told ya! I was at my restaurant all day. I got fifteen people on staff. Why don't you ask them?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well they work for you, right?
Tim Hayden: They're not going to lie for me, not about this. I mean, you work for him, right? [gestures from Randy to Stottlemeyer] You going to lie for him? I mean, about a murder?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I think about that a lot, actually. I mean, of course, it would depend on a number of factors, I mean-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're not talking about him. We're talking about you. [beat]
Tim Hayden: I took her to Greece. She'd been wanting to go for years. [beat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She got back Friday morning, she was dead three hours later.
Tim Hayden: I didn't come back with her. She dumped me! She met someone at the hotel, second day we were there! So I decided to come back early, Tuesday night. You can check that, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh? Who was he?
Tim Hayden: She wouldn't tell me his name. I saw him, he had a beard. I guess she likes beards...and money.
Lt. Randall Disher: How do you know? About the money, not the beard?
Tim Hayden: I could smell it. Plus he gave her a bottle of wine - Santorini - must have cost him 500 bucks.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Would you recognize him again if you saw him? [beat]
Tim Hayden: Oh yeah.
[Tim Hayden is doing a checklist in his restaurant kitchen when someone knocks on the back door]
Tim Hayden: Sorry, we're closed! Closed on Mondays!
Hal Tucker: I want to make a reservation.
Tim Hayden: Come tomorrow! We're open at noon.
Hal Tucker: Yeah, but I'm here now! It'll only take a minute. Come on, I promised my wife!
[Tim sets down his checklist and walks over to the door. He opens it. Hal Tucker barges in, and takes off his sunglasses]
Hal Tucker: Hi-ya, Tim! Remember me? We met in Greece. [He tucks his sunglasses away in his jacket]
Tim Hayden: Yeah, I remember.
Hal Tucker: Yeah.
Tim Hayden: You shaved your beard.
Hal Tucker: [produces a revolver] Yeah. Gail didn't like it. You remember Gail, don't ya?
Tim Hayden: The cops are looking for you.
Hal Tucker: I know that, Tim! That's why I'm here! Did they show you any mugshots of me?
Tim Hayden: Not yet.
Hal Tucker: Then I'm not too late. [He aims the revolver and pulls the trigger, but it jams. Tim takes advantage of the opportunity to grab for the gun, and a fight ensues, destroying most of the cutlery and plates in the kitchen. After trading punches and blows, Hal has Tim lying on the ground. He rolls Tim facedown, then whips him across the back of the neck twice with the revolver barrel, and departs]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are looking at the murder weapon used on Tim Hayden in Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Here's the report on the murder weapon. You know, the firing pin was worn down. That's why it wouldn't fire. [Stottlemeyer looks at the death revolver in his hand]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe we should call Monk in on this one.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah, I already called him. He's not available. He's having some kind of problem with Hal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] Hal. Still can't figure that one out. [He flicks the hammer. Noticing something, he holds the gun in his left hand to draw Randy's attention to it] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[beat]
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When you showed this gun to Hal and said, "Here's the murder weapon!", he knew that the killer used it like a club.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's right, he pointed to the cracked handle.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But we never told him how Tim Hayden died. You show anybody a handgun and say, "This is the murder weapon," they are going to assume that the guy had been shot!
Lt. Randall Disher: How did he know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How did he know?
[Both of them immediately get up and bolt out the door]

Mr. Monk Is At Your Service [5.12][edit]

[Monk is in session with Dr. Kroger; he hands Dr. Kroger a handout]
Dr. Charles Kroger: “Police Announce Hiring Freeze”.
Adrian Monk: A hiring freeze, for the next four years! By then, I’ll be too old to be reinstated! So, that’s it: I’ll never be a cop again!
Dr. Charles Kroger: All right, Adrian. I am truly sorry. I know how much reinstatement means to you.
Adrian Monk: Only everything! It was my reason for living. That’s all. What do I do now?
Dr. Charles Kroger: I think you go back to what you’ve been doing. Consulting.
Adrian Monk: For how long? I haven’t had a new client in weeks! The department hasn’t renewed my contract!
Dr. Charles Kroger: You know, Adrian, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a decision. A very important decision. Now, you can let this news completely depress you.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Thank you.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Or, you can look at this like an opportunity. A chance for you to reassess your life. Start over. Do something completely different.
Adrian Monk: Different?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah...'different' can be good.
Adrian Monk: [unconvinced] Different. Good...[whispers to self] Different? Good?
(pause)
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, it's not too late. You know, Winston Churchill did not become prime minister until he was sixty!
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?! I'll never become prime minister!
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no. I'm not saying--
Adrian Monk: I don't even live in England; even if I did I, I'd be such a long shot-
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian! It’s just an example.
Adrian Monk: What do I do now?
[Monk and Natalie are having lunch with Natalie's parents]
Peggy Davenport: ...and right then I promised myself I would never fly commercial again. [a maid gives her a drink] Thank you.
Natalie Teeger: Mom, it’s not even twelve o’clock!
Peggy Davenport: Ugh. [looks at her watch] It’s 12:05.
Adrian Monk: Bobby, can I ask you something? Do you love your job?
Bobby Davenport: Yes, I do.
Adrian Monk: What do you do exactly?
Peggy Davenport: He inherits money.
Adrian Monk: I could do that. I bet I’d be good at that.
Natalie Teeger: There’s a hiring freeze at the department, but we’re working through it. Right? We’ll figure something out. There’s always hope.
Adrian Monk: There’s never hope.
Natalie Teeger: Sure there is.
Adrian Monk: There’s never hope. I wish I drank. Is it wonderful?
Peggy Davenport: Yeah, it’s pretty great. [turns to Natalie] Oh! You know who asked about you? Paul Buchanan.
Natalie Teeger: Ugh! No thank you!
Peggy Davenport: Sweetheart, I really don’t think you can be so picky! You’re not getting any younger, you know.
Adrian Monk: Who’s Paul Buchanan?
Peggy Davenport: He lives in the big house up the road.
Adrian Monk: The big house? This isn’t the big house?
Peggy Davenport: He’s always had a thing for Natalie. He’s proposed to her twice!
Natalie Teeger: He’s a creep! He’s a spoiled, arrogant, creepy creep, and he’s just…he’s very creepy!
Bobby Davenport: Now, now. He’s a good man.
Peggy Davenport: You know, that poor boy. He’s been through so much. You heard what happened with his parents. It’s the most incredible story. They died within ten minutes of each other.
Adrian Monk: Within ten minutes?
Peggy Davenport: Yeah, it was about... a year ago. Ralph and Camilla, that’s Paul’s stepmother, were driving home, and they were in his little sports car. [to Bobby] That one he brought over from England.
Bobby Davenport: It was a Morgan. A beautiful machine.
Peggy Davenport: Yep.
Bobby Davenport: Ralph collected antique cars.
Peggy Davenport: Yep. Yeah, well, anyway, they never made it home. It was about 8:30 at night. And they were coming around that dangerous curve at the end of Sweeney Road. The one with the big rock?
Adrian Monk: I…I think we passed it when we were coming up. Isn’t there a sign that says, “Slow Down”?
Peggy Davenport: Obviously Ralph ignored that, because the police said he had to be doing at least eighty.
Bobby Davenport: Let’s say, let’s say that this is the car, all right? [Bobby takes the butter tray and places it in the middle of the table] Now, this is Ralph, and this is Camilla. [He puts the salt and peppershakers on the ends of the dish] Now, they come speeding around that curve, karrumph! They hit the guardrail, and Camilla, who wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, goes flying and wrrrm, ploomp! [takes the peppershaker and sticks it into the pate dish] Hits her head on the big rock.
Peggy Davenport: Honey, don’t use the pate!
Bobby Davenport: That is not pate, darling, that is the big rock. And then Ralph calls 911 on his cell.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, it gets worse: He had a heart attack, right there on the phone!
Bobby Davenport: While he’s calling for help!
[Monk takes a closer look]
Adrian Monk: So, the road curves to the right, and she was thrown from the car?
Bobby Davenport: Yeah, like this. [sticks the peppershaker into the pate dish]
Adrian Monk: But if this was Morgan, a British car, then… [switches the shakers] then she would’ve been sitting on the left. So how did she hit the rock?
[beat]
Natalie Teeger: You know what else? I remember driving with Mr. Buchanan. He was the pokiest driver in the world. We used to tease him about it. He would not start the car unless you fastened your seat belt. You want to check it out?
Adrian Monk: It’s probably nothing.
Natalie Teeger: Well, let’s check it out.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it doesn’t matter. I’m not a detective anymore.
Natalie Teeger: Daddy, give me your wallet.
Bobby Davenport: Uh-oh. [hands Natalie his wallet]
Natalie Teeger: Brings back memories, doesn't it?
Bobby Davenport: Yes.
[Monk and Natalie check out the crash scene]
Adrian Monk: Well this section of the guardrail is new. It must have happened right here. The car was heading west, went off the road here.
Natalie Teeger: So you were right, she couldn’t have hit that rock.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] It’s hard to tell without seeing the police report. Maybe…maybe the car flipped over! Maybe it spun around.
Natalie Teeger: No, I think he did it! I think he killed his parents!
Adrian Monk: You really don’t like this guy, do you? What did he ever do to you?
Natalie Teeger: You really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No. [is distracted by croaking] What is that noise?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, frogs. They live in that pond over there. It’s mating season. They go crazy every year. [a frog hops out of the bushes]
Adrian Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie Teeger: Are you afraid of frogs?
Adrian Monk: I don't know; I've never been this close to one. [A frog hops on his shoe] Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list! Where's the list?
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the Buchanan estate's driveway]
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Natalie Teeger: I know, "wow". 14 bedrooms. [The car stops]
Adrian Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie Teeger: Okay let me just tell you something about Paul Buchanan: he basically stalked me for three years, all during high school. He just kept on asking me out. He wouldn't take "drop dead" for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend! They broke his jaw and both of his legs. [beat]
Adrian Monk: 14 bedrooms!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! He beat up my boyfriend! Or hired some thug to do it! He thinks he can get away with anything!
Adrian Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie Teeger: I wouldn’t put it past him. All right, so the garage is back there, the Morgan is inside. He hasn’t even bothered to fix it.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie Teeger: My father saw it the last time he was here.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay! [He climbs out] Let’s take a look.
Natalie Teeger: I can’t go in. I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about? I’m not going in there alone. That would be like me going in someplace alone.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if he sees you, you can talk your way out of it! If he sees me, it’d be horrible! It’d be like high school all over again! I can’t. [hands a cell phone to Monk] Here. In case you need it.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I really think you’re overreacting, here. This was twenty years ago! People get older, they mature, they… [Natalie speeds away]
[Monk is looking around the Buchanans' garage, and is reorganizing some of the wrenches on a toolchest when a mechanic spots him]
Mechanic: Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Sorry. I…
Mechanic: Are you here for the job interview?
Adrian Monk: [hesitates] Yes. The interview. Exactly.
Mechanic: Follow me. He’s been waiting for you.
[Cuts to Monk sitting in the living room. Paul Buchanan comes in with a shotgun]
Paul Buchanan: Sorry for the delay. [shows shotgun] This is in case the interview doesn't go well. Just joking; I was just doing a little hunting. [sets his shotgun down and pours himself a drink] All right, so you're here from the agency. Where's your resume?
Adrian Monk: I... lost it.
Paul Buchanan: You lost your resume? Well that doesn't bode well, does it?
Adrian Monk: No.
Paul Buchanan: What's your name?
Adrian Monk: Adrian.
Paul Buchanan: Adrian? [Monk notices a copy of the book Moby-Dick by Herman Melville lying on a table]
Adrian Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville. [Paul notices the cleanliness of the room]
Paul Buchanan: What's with this place? I had friends over last night; the place was a mess.
Adrian Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
Paul Buchanan: I'm impressed. Very well done, Adrian Melville.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Paul Buchanan: Did you do this? [Points to a finished jigsaw puzzle of a city skyline with a rainbow over it on another table]
Adrian Monk: Yes, sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Paul Buchanan: What, in 20 minutes? I've been working on this puzzle for a month!
Adrian Monk: Sorry, I’ll mess it up again. I think I remember exactly how… [reaches forward, trying to restore the puzzle to the wya he found it]
Paul Buchanan: No, no, no, no, no! I’ve got a couple of stepsisters who think I never finish anything. Well, come on. Sit down. [they sit down in two adjacent chairs] Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
Adrian Monk: Mmm…I don’t think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco.... Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger....
Paul Buchanan: No, I don’t know them.
Adrian Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
Paul Buchanan: Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn’t leave me alone.
Adrian Monk: Is that right?
Paul Buchanan: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo? [Monk stands up, shocked]
Adrian Monk: She has a tattoo?
Paul Buchanan: Well, I guess you wouldn’t have seen it. Not where she put it. [gets up] Look, I’m having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It’d make the afternoon a lot better.
Adrian Monk: I don’t think… [Paul gives him a "yes or no?" look] Maybe.
Paul Buchanan: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut. And my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that’s good enough for me. Congratulations. You’re my new butler.
Adrian Monk: I’m your butler?
Paul Buchanan: Yeah. Come on. I’ll show you around. Your room’s upstairs. Grab that drink. [Monk grabs the tray off the table]
[Natalie is at her parent's house when a maid hands her a phone]
Natalie Teeger: Hello? Oh, Mr. Monk, thank God.
Adrian Monk: [in his bedroom] I'm gonna need you to come and get me now.
Natalie Teeger: What happened? Where are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm in my bedroom. I work here now, I'm the butler.
Natalie Teeger: You're the butler?
Adrian Monk: Yes, your old boyfriend just hired me. I'm the new manservant.
Natalie Teeger: I think that's great!
Adrian Monk: Really, do you think it's "great"?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you'll be able to look around. You're right there, you're-you're-you're in the belly of the beast!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's not a good thing, it's a bad thing. Okay, it's a belly… and it's a beast. Now come and get me!
Natalie Teeger: How about this? I pick you up tomorrow morning.
Adrian Monk: Tomorrow morning?
Natalie Teeger: Yes, maybe by then we'll have something to show the Captain.
Adrian Monk: Yes that's one solution. May I suggest an alternate solution? [taps the phone against his dresser] PICK ME UP! [Someone knocks on the door] There’s somebody here. I’ll call you later.
Natalie Teeger: Wait! Wait, wait, wait! [Monk hangs up]
Adrian Monk: Come in. [Susie, one of the housekeepers, comes in]
Susie: Mr. Melville?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Melville.
Susie: Hi, I’m Susie, the housekeeper. Assistant housekeeper, actually. And Mrs. Murphy wanted me to see if you needed anything.
Adrian Monk: No, I’m fine.
Susie: I’m supposed to pick up your uniform, and I need to know your size.
Adrian Monk: Oh, thank you, Susie, but that won’t be…I’m a 42 regular.
Susie: Okay. I’m sorry about all the mess. [puts some of the magazines aside] This was Stilson’s room. And he subscribed to, like, 50 magazines.
Adrian Monk: Who’s, uh, Stilson?
Susie: Your predecessor. Edward Stilson. He was with the family forever. I just can’t believe he left like that.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
Susie: Well, Mr. Buchanan said that they had a really big fight about back pay or something. Stilson just stormed out of the house.
Adrian Monk: When was this?
Susie: Last week.
Adrian Monk: [looks around the room] And he left his suitcase, and all of his pictures?
Susie: Well, he’ll probably send for them when he cools off. Um, I know you haven’t even unpacked yet, but we need you to approve this. It’s the seating chart for the luncheon on Sunday.
Adrian Monk: I’m sure it’s fine. Just do…do whatever you want.
Susie: Very well, sir. I’m right down the hall if you need me.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Could I…could I see that again? [he inspects the seating chart] There will be, uh, eleven at the table?
Susie: Yes, sir. So do you just want to put five on one side, and then six on the-
Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. That wouldn’t be even. It has to be even. How long is the table?
Susie: I’m not sure.
Adrian Monk: [with disapproval] Susie. Susie. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you!
[Monk is seen rearranging the table setting for the Buchanan estate luncheon in five days, with all the maids standing around him]
Mrs. Murphy: [hesitantly] Mr. Melville, it's 2:30 in the morning! We've been here all night! Luncheon isn't until Sunday afternoon, sir.
[Paul Buchanan finishes looking at the completed luncheon table that Monk has carefully organized and straightened out]
Paul Buchanan: Well I don't have to remind you about how important these stupid luncheons are! The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up, they expect me to screw up! And I intend- to dissapoint them. Mr. Melville.
Adrian Monk: [standing in front of a covered canvas] Thank you. Mr. Pepperidge? [Mr. Pepperidge pulls the tarp off the canvas, revealing a color coded map of the house] I've divided the house into four zones.
Susie the Maid: Mr. Stilson normally has us start in the kitchen.
Adrian Monk: [retracts his pointer] Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So from now on we're going to be cleaning the house my way: the Monk way.
Susie the Maid: Who's Monk?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: You see... I grew up in a monastery. And the monks, were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly, 18 hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs, it was holy dust. But still... you know... dust. And that is the Monk way.
Paul Buchanan: Well you heard the man. We'll be doing it the Monk way.
[Monk is helping Paul Buchanan with his tie, but can't stop readjusting it to perfect it]
Adrian Monk: Almost done. There you go.
Paul Buchanan: Thank you, Melville. Your attention to detail is almost pathological.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, sir. It’s almost noon. I think we should be getting downstairs. [goes back to readjust] I’m sorry. It’s still not quite.
Paul Buchanan: Thank you, Melville.
Adrian Monk: My pleasure, sir. [resumes readjusting] Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just…there we go. Now, your guests should be arriving any second. I’m sorry. It’s still slightly…
Paul Buchanan: You know what? It’s fine. It’s close enough.
Adrian Monk: One second. Almost have it…
Paul Buchanan: I said it’s fine.
Adrian Monk: I just have to center…
Paul Buchanan: [removes the tie] You know what? I’m just gonna lose the tie, and go with something a little more casual.
Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. Good choice.
Paul Buchanan: Speaking of Natalie…
Adrian Monk: Were we speaking of Natalie?
Paul Buchanan: Well, we are, now.
Adrian Monk: Ah.
Paul Buchanan: She didn’t RSVP, did she?
Adrian Monk: I’m afraid not, sir. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, sir.
Paul Buchanan: Do you believe that, Melville?
Adrian Monk: I don’t know, sir. It’s a tough call.
[Natalie has shown up at the Buchanan luncheon, and she pulls Monk aside]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Melville, will you help me with my coat? [Monk hesitantly takes her coat off and hangs it on a coat rack and they go into the living room, where Natalie drops the facade]
Adrian Monk: How did you do that?
Natalie Teeger: See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they want to express that love…
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: It’s a pillow!
Adrian Monk: Uh, well, that explains almost nothing.
Natalie Teeger: I had to come. I realized something about the frogs.
Adrian Monk: What frogs?
Natalie Teeger: Okay, on that 911 call, there were no frogs in the background. You were there; Remember how loud they were? That call was definitely made from some place else.
Adrian Monk: Not necessarily. Maybe they just weren’t croaking. Maybe they were tired.
Natalie Teeger: Frogs don’t get tired!
Adrian Monk: You don’t think frogs don’t get tired?
Natalie Teeger: No, I don’t.
Adrian Monk: Believe me. Frogs get tired. The hopping, and the thing with the tongue. You try hopping around, and catching flies. You wouldn’t last ten minutes.
Natalie Teeger: This man is a creep! Why are you protecting him?!
Adrian Monk: I’m not protecting anyone. There is no evidence here!
Natalie Teeger: Then find some! You’re a detective! You were supposed to go check out the car in the garage! Have you been to the garage?
Adrian Monk: No, something came up.
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: This. My life. My new career. I love it here.
Natalie Teeger: No, you don’t!
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do.
Natalie Teeger: No, you don’t! I can tell, you look terrible!
Adrian Monk: Well, fortunately, this job is not about my looks.
Natalie Teeger: Have you been sleeping at all? [She picks up a glass of champagne as Mrs. Murphy comes in]
Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melville, shall we begin the main course, sir?
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy. [He leaves]
Mrs. Murphy: Should you be drinking that [champagne]? [Natalie, caught, puts the glass back where she found it]
[Monk is serving the main course]
Woman #1: I’ll have some quail, please.
Adrian Monk: He took the quail. We’re alternating.
Woman #1: I prefer the quail.
Adrian Monk: It’s just…we’ve been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck…
Woman #1: I don’t like duck.
Adrian Monk: Then you’ll have to sit over there.
Woman #1: I have to change seats?
Adrian Monk: Fine. Here. [gives her a plate with quail] Two quails right next to each other there! [frustrated, he stabs a knife into the quail at an inverted angle] Enjoy.
Paul Buchanan: By the way, you’re all invited to stay. Alfred and I are gonna do some quail hunting later with a few of the neighbors. [turns to Mrs. Murphy] Where's Natalie?
Mrs. Murphy: She said she had to freshen up, sir.
Paul Buchanan: [checks his watch] Really?
[As Natalie leaves, Paul intercepts her car]
Paul Buchanan: You’re leaving? We’re going hunting. I wanted to invite you.
Natalie Teeger: No, thank you.
Paul Buchanan: Your parents will be joining us.
Natalie Teeger: I can’t. I have to take care of something.
Paul Buchanan: I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Natalie Teeger: What do you mean?
Paul Buchanan: You know what it’s like hunting. Accidents happen all the time. Don’t worry. I’ll look after them.
[Paul leads Natalie away from the other hunters]
Paul Buchanan: All right. Give me the page!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Paul Buchanan: My father’s journal! You stole a page, give it to me! [Natalie hands Paul the signout sheet page she took from the garage. He tosses her a hunting vest] Put it on!
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Paul Buchanan: There’s gonna be an accident. I told you. It happens all the time. [Monk runs into Paul's hunting buddies and grabs one of their shotguns]
Natalie Teeger: Paul, you just…you can’t do this!
Paul Buchanan: Oh, I can’t? Look up there. See that well? Two weeks ago, I shot my butler, and dropped his body in it! [pumps the shotgun] You should’ve gone with me to the prom, Natty! [Monk shows up, weapon in hand]
Adrian Monk: Buchanan! Lower the weapon!
Paul Buchanan: Melville?
Adrian Monk: Just lower it! [fires at the trees, killing a bird]
Paul Buchanan: Well, you’re fired. That goes without saying. [Natalie uses the opportunity to grab the sheet and shotgun from Paul]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal. He came back before he died.
Adrian Monk: That makes sense. It all makes sense now.
[Monk has given the summation]
Adrian Monk: [finishing] Imitating his father was easy. Mrs. Claridge mentioned you sounded just like him. So it was perfect. They were both dead. And your stepmother had obviously died first.
Paul Buchanan: Who are you?
Natalie Teeger: This is my boss, Adrian Monk. [Natalie's parents arrive]
Bobby Davenport: Hello! Sorry we’re late.
Peggy Davenport: Hello, darling. [notices the pillow stuffed up Natalie's chest and that she and Monk are holding shotguns on Buchanan] Natalie! When did this happen?

Mr. Monk Is On the Air [5.13][edit]

[first lines; Max and his sidekicks are on the radio doing an interview]
Max Hudson: Jiggle ,me timbers! You... are gorgeous! [J.J. plays a hooting sound effect] Yeah, and you got a movie opening up on Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! That was a long two-and-a-half hours, boy. [J.J. plays a snoring sound effect]
Little Willie: Hey, Max, you’ve been saying that all morning, “Jiggle me timbers.” Where did you get that?
Max Hudson: Well, maybe it’ll be my new catchphrase. I didn’t know I had to clear everything with the Lollipop Guild.
J.J.: Hey whoa, whoa, careful boss! Willie will beat the crap out of your kneecaps.
Little Willie: Or higher even.
Kimberly: [laughs] You guys!
Max Hudson: Wait, no. I think it’ll catch on. [shifts his jaw] Jiggle me timbers!!! You’re listening to Mad Max In The Morning, and we’re talking with Kimberly Danaman, whose new movie is opening everything on Friday.
Little Willie: And closing everywhere on Saturday.
[Monk answers the door at his apartment and finds Linda Riggs, Jeanette Hudson's sister, on his doorstep]
Linda Riggs: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Linda Riggs: I’m sorry to bother you at home. I read about you on the Internet, and I looked up your address. I don’t know where else to go.
Adrian Monk: I’m on the Internet?
[cuts to Linda Riggs sitting on the couch. Monk hands her a tissue box]
Linda Riggs: Oh. Thank you. [blows her nose] Thank you. [Monk becomes uncomfortable]
Adrian Monk: If you could wait till my assistant gets here. She’s in charge of saying the right things.
[From the kitchen, Kevin speaks to Monk]
Kevin Dorfman: Adrian, I’m putting the tablespoons in front, the serving spoons in back. Any objections?
Adrian Monk: Kevin, it doesn’t matter!
Kevin Dorfman: Okay. [Monk turns to Linda]
Linda Riggs: My sister, Jeanette, died four weeks ago. There was a gas fireplace in…
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. [to Kevin] Actually, I do prefer the serving spoons in the front!
Kevin Dorfman: Really? In the front? OK. You’re the boss. [Monk turns back to Linda]
Adrian Monk: Sorry. There was a fireplace?
Linda Riggs: There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom. It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated. [she hands a police file to Monk] This is a copy of the coroner’s inquest. They said it was an accident. But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace. I know he killed her.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Linda Riggs: Her husband Max. Getting a divorce would have cost him thirty million dollars. I’m…I’m sorry, could I have another?
Adrian Monk: Here’s the thing. Uh, I buy ten boxes at a time, and, uh, they have to last me the whole month.
Linda Riggs: Oh…
Adrian Monk: Oh, okay. Okay, okay. [He takes a tissue, separates a ply, and gives it to her]
Linda Riggs: Thanks.
Kevin Dorfman: [from the kitchen] Okay, I’m pouring the detergent. You’re missing it.
Adrian Monk: Kevin, please! Please, I’m trying to talk to…I’m sorry?
Linda Riggs: Uh, Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister. [Kevin comes over to the living room]
Kevin Dorfman: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson’s wife? [gasps, fascinated]
Linda Riggs: Yeah, everyone thinks he’s so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know, he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin Dorfman: So, you’ve actually met him?
Adrian Monk: [sternly] Kevin....
Linda Riggs: Yes, I’ve met him! I think he killed my sister!
Kevin Dorfman: What’s he like?
Linda Riggs: He’s a monster!
Adrian Monk: Kevin…
Kevin Dorfman: [retreats to the kitchen] Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me, I have dishes to do.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at Max Hudson's house]
Natalie Teeger: Well, I don’t like that guy either. He’s such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. What station is he on?
Natalie Teeger: 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Ah, so close....
Natalie Teeger: Well I just don’t see how he could have done it. Have you looked at this? [Monk shakes his head]
Adrian Monk: Mmmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: So when Jeanette died, Max was on the radio doing a live show, and the night before he's in Los Angeles at a party. He hasn't been home in two days.
Adrian Monk: I promised her sister I'd look into it! I had to; she was using up all my Kleenex!
[They meet Linda Riggs at the front door]
Adrian Monk: Hi.
Linda Riggs: I don't think he's home.
Adrian Monk: Did you tell him I was coming? [He points to the welcome mat, which says "GO AWAY"]
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, that's not for you. That's a joke.
Adrian Monk: It’s a joke? How--how is that funny?
Natalie Teeger: Um, well, I guess it's funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
Adrian Monk: S-so it's an opposite joke?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah! That's right.
[A neighbor walking his dog past the driveway notices them]
Neighbor: He's not home! I live right over there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
Linda Riggs: Okay.
Natalie Teeger: That's a nice dog!
Neighbor: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's a nice cat. [force laughs unconvincingly, then turns and wipes this thought]
Linda Riggs: [sighs] Okay that's it. This is still my sister's house. I'm going in. [She uses her own house keys to unlock the door]
[Monk and Natalie examine the crime scene with Linda Riggs]
Linda Riggs: This was where she was found, on the bed. This morning I heard him joking about it on his show. I don't know how somebody can joke about something like that.
Natalie Teeger: [sighs, disgusted] I don't know. Any time I'm at a restaurant or a store and he's on the radio, I just have to leave.
Linda Riggs: According to the police, Jeanette turned on the gas, then forgot that it was on and just went to sleep. [Monk looks inside the closet]
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie Teeger: What? [Monk points to the shoe rack]
Adrian Monk: There’s only 39 shoes here. There’s one missing.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, is that important right now?
Adrian Monk: Looks like a dark brown Romano loafer. It’s about a size 10.5 or 11, I guess.
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Okay. [She starts to pull Monk from the closet]
Adrian Monk: It’s a ten and a half.
Natalie Teeger: [points to the bed] Okay, Mr. Monk, Jeanette was found here.
[Monk notices the gas lever on the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: So she turned it... like this? [turns the handle with his tweezers] And then forgot it was on?
[He starts looking inside the fireplace. The fumes overpower him and he collapses]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? That's gas! [She quickly closes the valve and grabs Monk to keep him from collapsing]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’m…I’m fine. I’m fine. Just a little…little gas. [stumbles as Natalie supports him] According to the police report, the flue was…was closed?
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Adrian Monk: Right. Closed. But look at this. [He uses his tweezers to pick up some leaves that have fallen out of the chimney]
Natalie Teeger: Hmmm.
Adrian Monk: Dried.... dried leaves. Fire would have burned them or charred them. No, this thing hasn't been used in months, if ever.
Linda Riggs: That's what I was saying; that it couldn't have been an accident. [Linda opens a window to ventilate the air. Monk straightens up]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] You have the inventory?
Natalie Teeger: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Are there any matches or cigarette lighters anywhere in the room? [Natalie looks through the file]
Natalie Teeger: Uhhhh, no.
Adrian Monk: No, no. No matches anywhere? That makes no sense. [He walks over to another desk and finds a calendar open to July on it. Natalie joins him] So she died on the 15th?
Linda Riggs: Yeah, that's right. Two days before their tenth wedding anniversary. They always did something special. Last year, they went to Cabo.
Adrian Monk: But not this year. Look. July 17th, tenth anniversary? Natalie, nothing's been written; nothing planned. Nothing erased.
Natalie Teeger: He knew she wouldn't be around.
Adrian Monk: Linda, I think you're right. I think he killed her.
[Monk and Natalie are waiting in the control room as Max, J.J. and Little Willie perform their show]
Max Hudson: I’m gonna be down at the, uh, Book Barn on Market Street tomorrow signing copies of my new book Sex, Lies and Radio. So, come on down, but get there early. I was at a book signing in Dallas last week and I mean it was freakin' insane! It was a riot. It was on the news, and everything.
Little Willie: It’s an amazing book!
Max Hudson: Like you know, you can’t even read! You didn’t read it!
Little Willie: Well that’s true! I’m waiting for the movie!
J.J.: I read it, boss. Twice.
Little Willie: Kiss-ass. [plays a kissing sound effect]
Max Hudson: My master plan…
[Cuts to the control room]
Natalie Teeger: Be very careful. He’s very quick.
Adrian Monk: I’m quick.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you’re not quick. You have to focus. He’ll try to make fun of you.
Adrian Monk: Why would he make fun of me? He doesn’t even know me!
[Cuts back to the studio]
Max Hudson: Hey Howard Stern, if you're listening and I know you are, YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BABY!
J.J.: Down! [plays an explosion sound effect on his computer]
[Monk tries to add periods to the "CHAIRMAN OF THE FCC" sign on the inflatable dummy in the control room]
Max Hudson: So, uh, let’s take some calls. Bill, from San Diego, you’re on the air.
Caller: Max, hey…
[Natalie goes over to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Please don't do that!
Caller: I just read the book. It was amazing. Changed my life!
Max Hudson: Uh yeah, thanks. Mickey, Mickey, what…who the hell is that?
Mickey: [on microphone] His name’s Adrian Monk. He says you invited him down.
Max Hudson: Oh, yeah. The private dick.
Little Willie: Ouch.
Max Hudson: [to his radio audience] My sister-in-law hired a private detective-
J.J.: What’s he doing to Mr. Limpey? [Monk is adding periods after the letters in the FCC initials on the dummy's nametag]
Natalie Teeger: Sir, please... [she tries to grab the pen, leading to a struggle. Willie rings a little bell in the studio]
J.J.: Cat fight in our control room! [Monk and Natalie wrestle for the pen] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Little Willie: Go left! Go right! [Monk makes a swing, and pokes the dummy in the chest, deflating it]
Max Hudson, Little Willie, and J.J.: OHHHHHHHH!!
J.J.: Oh, my God! He killed Mr. Limpey!! [the dummy keels over]
Max Hudson: Monk! Get in here!
J.J.: Let’s go! He’s a maniac. [Natalie tries to block Monk from going through the door]
Natalie Teeger: Do not go in there!
Max Hudson: Monk, get in here, buddy! Come on, Monk. Hey, Detective, you want to talk to me? Now’s your chance, okay? It’s now or never. Don’t be afraid of me. I won’t bite you!
Little Willie: I’m the one that bites! [snarls while J.J plays barking sounds]
Max Hudson: Don’t stop. Come on.
Adrian Monk: I’m just going to talk to him! I talk to people all the time.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, but these aren’t people!
Max Hudson: Okay, here he comes.
Little Willie: The sleeves!
J.J.: Look at the sleeve!
[Monk and Natalie enter the studio]
Natalie Teeger: Hi.
J.J.: Oh, hello.
Max Hudson: Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
Adrian Monk: This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
Max Hudson: Ooh, Natalie.
Little Willie: I think I need a little assistance.
Max Hudson: Me like...
Little Willie: I think I need some assistance!
Max Hudson: Give a little twirl, Natalie.
Natalie Teeger: No, thank you.
Max Hudson: [as a small sound effect plays on J.J.'s computer] "No, thank you." Okay, she’s feisty! She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Little Willie: Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her…
Max Hudson: I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie Teeger: Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
Max Hudson: You don’t get it, sugarbumps: here is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.
[J.J. hands Monk a set of headphones]
J.J.: Here you go, buddy.
Adrian Monk: I’m okay. It’s okay.
Natalie Teeger: Don’t do this!
Little Willie: Come on.
Natalie Teeger: Please be careful.
J.J.: This is exciting!
Adrian Monk: [snaps his fingers in Natalie's direction] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
[J.J. records and plays Monk's voice back. Monk wipes down his headset]
Max Hudson: Okay, folks, you've got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
Adrian Monk: This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
Max Hudson: Oh, I’m corrected.
J.J.: You've gotta know the difference.
Little Willie: One of those, oh…
Max Hudson: Sorry about that one.
J.J.: Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus? [Max claps happily with approval]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Max Hudson: Oh, I bet she does. [J.J. plays a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie glares at them, mortified] She’s driving me, baby.
Little Willie: Who’s driving Natalie?
J.J.: Natalie.
Max Hudson: I want to change your tires.
J.J.: Natalie.
Little Willie: I’ll volunteer for that.
[Monk puts a wipe over his microphone, causing static feedback in the jockeys' headsets]
Max, J.J. and Little Willie: Ow! Ow!
Max Hudson: You’re hurting me!
J.J. and Little Willie: Ow! Oooh!
Max Hudson: This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
J.J.: [raises fist] Yo, Adrian!
[beat]
Adrian Monk: Yo.
[The jockeys burst out laughing, until Max signals for them to stop]
J.J.: What is going on there?
Max Hudson: Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then! So, just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
Little Willie: Loony Linda!
Max Hudson: That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming?
J.J.: Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.
[Monk immediately throws off his headset and runs out of the studio]
Adrian Monk: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe!
Radio men: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
[Monk grabs Natalie's purse as he leaves]
Natalie Teeger: You should be ashamed of yourselves!
Max Hudson: I agree, I should be. But I’m not! [She walks out of the booth]
J.J.: Oh! And there, we’ve got the view. [Natalie turns around to cast a disgusted look at them before closing the door]
Max Hudson: There she goes. She gave us a twirl.
[cuts to Monk and Natalie walking into Captain Stottlemeyer's office]
Adrian Monk: I think he's the guy!
Natalie Teeger: I do too, at least I hope he is.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson, the jerk on the radio?
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, 30 milligrams.
Natalie Teeger: Which is the maximum dosage.
Adrian Monk: And it was Max's suggestion.
Natalie Teeger: He called the doctor personally to get the prescription!
Adrian Monk: Here's what happened: Max is out of town, it's a perfect alibi. He knows his wife will be taking those pills, so she's out cold- [In the background, Randy is trying to contain his laughter]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [glares at Randy] Is something funny?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-sorry.
Adrian Monk: He knows his wife won't be waking up, so he has one of his guys-[Randy corpses, unable to contain himself]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. I heard you on the show. You really got zung!
Natalie Teeger: [offended] Oh my God, you listen to that creep?!
Lt. Randall Disher: I think he’s great…ting. It’s grating.... [starts to stammer] Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
Adrian Monk: [continuing] Anyway, he has one of his guys-
Lt. Randall Disher: Goons. They're called goons. "The Goon Platoon."
Adrian Monk: Goons - thank you, Randy - snuck into the house, turned on the gas-
Lt. Randall Disher: Could've been J.J. The guy's a joke machine. He's been with Max for 15 years, since Philadelphia.
Adrian Monk: -Whoever it was closed the bedroom door. She never woke up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Right. How did they get in the house?
Natalie Teeger: Max made an extra key.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sounds good but it doesn't track. [hands a house diagram to Natalie] This is new. It's from the security company. That house is wired. It's monitored 24/7, sealed tight. No door or window was opened all night long. No one, no thing came in or out.
Natalie Teeger: Well what about that window? It says "open".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That is a ventilation window to the basement. It only opens about eight inches.
Lt. Randall Disher: Little Willie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who?
Lt. Randall Disher: Little Willie. He’s a little person. He’d do anything for Max. Last week he ate his own weight in bologna. [looks at the diagram] Jiggle me timbers! I think I just solved this case.
Natalie Teeger: "Jiggle me timbers"?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, something that…I heard it on the radio. I don’t remember who says it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don’t know. I mean, we don’t even know if a little person can fit through an eight inch window.
Lt. Randall Disher: Sure they could.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It’s awful small!
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk, could a little person fit through an eight-inch window?
Adrian Monk: I’m proud to say I don’t know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, we don’t even know where this Little Willie person was the night she died.
Lt. Randall Disher: Wait a minute, we can settle it right now. They’re all downtown at the book signing. We go down, we talk to Little Willie. If we get a chance, if it happens to come up, we measure the circumference of his head. Then divide it by pi or something.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think?
Adrian Monk: I think we have to check it out.
[While the team is at a bookstore where Max is doing a book signing, we see another fan having his picture taken with a man who belches loudly]
Lt. Randall Disher: You see that guy over there? They've got him on all the time; they call him "the Burpinator".
Natalie Teeger: Really? The Burpinator's here? Is he single? Do you think you could introduce me?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, sure. Come on.
Natalie Teeger: I was kidding! You knew that, right? I was kidding?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on Randy, let's get this over with.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher pull Little Willie aside]
Lt. Randall Disher: We're big fans. No, not big height.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, we are looking into the death of Jeanette Hudson.
Little Willie: Why? There was inquest; it was an accident. Don't you guys talk to each other?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're probably right, there's just a few loose ends that we want to look into. Where were you the night she died?
Little Willie: Where was I? I was on the air.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No I mean before that, the night before. I-I know Max was in Los Angeles but you didn't go with him.
Little Willie: That's true. I was with my wife and kid. I've got nothin' more to say to you guys; you wanna talk, talk to my lawyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey-hey-hey. I'm not done talking to you yet. [Randy puts his hands around the sides of Willie's head to measure] Thank you very much.
Lt. Randall Disher: Thank you. [shakes Willie's hand oddly] I'm a big fan, just, uh, nice meeting you.
[Monk is vaccuming his apartment while Natalie and Kevin stand nearby]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk, come on, you have to call the Captain!
Adrian Monk: I can’t hear you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! [unplugs the vaccum] You heard me! If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain!
Adrian Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof?
Kevin Dorfman: Okay, let me see if I understand: 1) You need proof. 1A) To get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. 1B) Your suspect won’t talk to you unless you go on his show. 1C) omitted. 2) You’re afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.
Adrian Monk: No, no. I’m not afraid. I’m terrified. There’s a big difference. You heard what happened. It was a massacre! He ripped me apart in there. I felt like I was back in 7th grade!
Natalie Teeger: Okay, then, the next time you go on, you’ll know what to expect!
Adrian Monk: No, it won’t help, because I can’t fight back! I’m just not funny. I’m not funny.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that is not true!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you’ve known me for three years. Have I ever said anything funny?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah…um… [she struggles to remember]
Adrian Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin Dorfman: That’s a good question. Okay, let’s see: I met you in October 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a Gloomy Gus. Second week… [pauses for a long time] No. Third week. [pause; he laughs] Yes! The…wait. Sorry, no! That wasn’t you. It was Arsenio Hall. He’s hilarious!
Adrian Monk: It’s like a blind spot. It’s like everybody else in the world can speak another language that I can’t learn. Maybe it’s genetic! I don’t remember my parents ever laughing.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, that is not possible! Everybody laughs! You’re just blocking it out!
[Monk goes back to the radio station to try to talk to Max again]
Adrian Monk: Hi, Max, J.J., Willie. Did you guys miss me? [J.J. replays a portion of Monk's voice from the previous interview. The men laugh]
Max Hudson: Well, well, well, look who’s back.
Adrian Monk: Surprised?
Max Hudson: Uh, more like annoyed, actually. For those of you who missed it last week, Adrian Monk is a private detective who was hired by my ex-sister-in-law - who’s delusional! - because she thinks I murdered my wife. So, what can we do for you today, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Well…for three weeks before Jeanette died, you left the house at 2:00 every afternoon.
Max Hudson: Yes.
Adrian Monk: According to her sister, you said you were going to the gym.
Max Hudson: That’s right.
Adrian Monk: Well I went to your gym, and they said you haven’t been there in six months. So, my first question is what were you doing at 2:00 every day?
Max Hudson: Well, uh, that’s really none of your business, but, uh, I’m gonna tell you anyway. It’s no secret, Jeanette and I had an understanding. We had what some people would call an open marriage.
J.J.: In my house it’s called “The Impossible Dream”.
Max Hudson: So, uh, you’re absolutely right, I did not go to the gym. I was getting a different kind of workout.
J.J.: Yeah, baby! [Willie dings the bell and Max motorboats] For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Max, one, Monk, nothing!
Adrian Monk: You want to play? Okay, let’s…let’s play.
[He secretly pulls out Kevin's joke cards from his sleeve]
Adrian Monk: You know, Max, you look like you're out of shape. When you go to a restaurant, you don't use a fork. You use a harpoon.
Max Hudson: Uh, what?
Adrian Monk: You heard me. When you took your dog to the dog show, you won first prize, not your dog. [beat; J.J. plays the sound effect of crickets chirping]
Max Hudson: Yeah, that's... that's not funny. [J.J. plays a howling coyote sound effect]
Adrian Monk: Yes it is.
Max Hudson: No, no, it's not.
Adrian Monk: Yes it is. You know who you remind me of? The hippie who came home and gave his dog fleas.
J.J.: Hippie? What year is this? [beat]
Adrian Monk: Actually, you remind me of several different hippies. Like the hippie who moved into a new apartment and it was six months before he realized.....there was no hot water.
[Monk casts a look at the control room to give an embarassed Natalie a thumbs-up]
Adrian Monk: I’m sorry, but you had that coming.
Max Hudson: Yeah, um, Adrian. Are you telling jokes, buddy? [The phone rings]
Mickey: Max, you got a caller.
Little Willie: Thank God.
Kevin Dorfman: [on the phone] Hello, Mr. Hudson. Longtime listener, first time caller.
Max Hudson: Yeah.
Kevin Dorfman: I love the show.
Max Hudson: Thank you. [Monk looks at Natalie, waiting in the control room, who mouths "Is that Kevin Dorfman?" to him]
Kevin Dorfman: I can’t believe I got through! Listen, I just got back from Los Angeles and the smog was terrible. I was wondering if anyone there has any thoughts on the subject?
Max Hudson: Uh…
Adrian Monk: Max, I’ll take this one. I know what he means: The smog was so bad, one time I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. I--in the air. Stuck. It was smog. [J.J. plays the sound effects of a toilet flushing, and a giant fart being ripped]
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, J.J., that sound effect is about as funny as my wife’s cooking. You know what she made every night?
Max Hudson: A noose? [The men laugh]
Adrian Monk: No, no, not a noose. Leftovers. Why would she make a noose?
Max Hudson: Yeah, seriously, though, are you married? Because that’s a woman I would loooove to meet. [The men laugh]
Adrian Monk: I was married. Her name was Trudy. She died. She was murdered. It was a car bomb.
[beat]
J.J.: Oh, man, that sucks. May she rest in peace.
Max Hudson: Well, rest in pieces. I mean, at least my wife was buried in a coffin. What was Trudy buried in? A bunch of little snack bags? [Monk glowers at Max]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God! Let me in there! [tries forcing on the doorknob, but the door has been locked; Mickey doesn't get up to help]
Little Willie: Whoa, whoa, Max, take it easy.
Max Hudson: No, seriously, you should have called me in. I could have helped you with the case. I’m great with jigsaw puzzles!
Adrian Monk: [becoming increasingly offended] Are you joking about Trudy?
Max Hudson: [imitating a woman's voice] "Adrian, I want to use the car now, go for a drive. What’s this button do?” [imitates an explosion. Monk slowly removes his headset] Bet you needed a whole bunch of wipes that day, huh? Hey, by the way, you know the last thing that went through your wife’s mind? The steering wheel! [Monk loses it and tackles Max, knocking his headset over] Seriously!
Natalie Teeger: [clearly helpless] Mr. Monk! Oh, my God! Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! Oh, my God! [A guard forcibly grabs Monk and drags him out of the control room]
Max Hudson: [rising to his feet, unsteady] Thanks for stopping by, Adrian. Come by anytime. We’ll be right back. [Monk and Natalie depart the station, Monk still trying to resist the guard]
[Monk has attacked Max Hudson on the air]
Adrian Monk: Did you hear him?! Did you hear what he said about Trudy?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah we were in the car; we had to pull over. I couldn't even drive.
Adrian Monk: That wasn't funny! Was it?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it was unspeakable.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what I was thinking: Number One, it sounded like you got a few good shots in. I was proud of you. And Number Two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.
Natalie Teeger: He is guilty.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 25 years to life. That's the best revenge. So let’s just take a deep breath, let’s focus, and let’s figure out how he did this.
Adrian Monk: [takes a deep breath] Okay. Okay. Okay, he was on…on the radio, doing his show and the house was locked.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Locked and bolted from inside.
Adrian Monk: The little window in the back was open, but only eight inches.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not big enough for a little person, which has already been established scientifically.
[Max Hudson comes home to find the police outside his house and Randy on the front driveway]
Max Hudson: What, uh…what’s going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you. [Cuts to Max entering the bedroom, where Monk, Natalie, Linda Riggs, and Stottlemeyer are waiting for him]
Max Hudson: Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close. [Stottlemeyer hands Max a sheet of paper]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Max Hudson: Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
Adrian Monk: It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at 2:00 PM.
Natalie Teeger: You were next door!
Max Hudson: That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Adrian Monk: Nah, you were training their dog.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
Lt. Randall Disher: “Jiggle me timbers," sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jiggle me timbers.
Lt. Randall Disher: You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Max Hudson: This is insane.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, it’s easy enough to prove. [picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Let’s do it.
[Cuts to a police officer talking to the next door neighbor while carrying a portable radio. He presses play]
Max Hudson on tape: ...Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! [The dog takes off and darts through the dividing hedge]
Little Willie on tape: Hey Max, where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…

Mr. Monk Visits a Farm [5.14][edit]

[first lines; Harvey Disher is tending to his pet pig Nadine]
Harvey Disher: That feels good doesn’t it? Doesn’t it, honey? I got a great meal for you. Yes, I do. Yes, I do! That’s a good girl. Now, you finish up all those vegetables. I…I mixed it up for you just the way you like it. Yes, I did. [Jimmy Belmont parks his pickup truck outside] Yes, I did. Yes, I do. You’re the prettiest baby on this farm. Yes, you are. Yes, you are. [Belmont walks into the barn, unnoticed]
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey! [Harvey looks up]
Harvey Disher: Hello, James.
Jimmy Belmont: I figured you’d be here. I heard she took another blue ribbon on Sunday.
Harvey Disher: That’s right. We’re going to Sacramento in three weeks.
Jimmy Belmont: Now why don’t you two just get married already and make it legal?
Harvey Disher: What the hell you talking about? She’s a pig!
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey, it’s a joke!
Harvey Disher: Well it wasn’t funny! Now I was just down in the gulch. It’s all still there, James! I’m no fool! You said you’d get rid of it by Friday!
Jimmy Belmont: Relax! We’ve been neighbors, what, fifteen years?
Harvey Disher: Right.
Jimmy Belmont: Now, you’re a businessman, right? [pulls a wad of money out of his pocket] $10,000, and I know you could use it.
Harvey Disher: This isn’t about the money! It’s about the law!
Jimmy Belmont: All right, I got it. You’re a boy scout. [produces some extra money] Fifteen grand. Now, that’ll buy you a whole lot of merit badges, and a pretty pink bonnet for your girlfriend, too. [Nadine oinks]
Harvey Disher: You keep that money, ‘cause you’re going to need it for a lawyer. I’m calling Sheriff Butterfield! [He starts to leave, but Belmont speaks up]
Jimmy Belmont: Harvey, wait! Okay, you win. I’ll do it. I will do it. I promise I’ll get rid of it. I promise, but I can’t do it tonight. Now, I need 24 hours. That’s all I’m asking! One day, and it’ll all be gone, guaranteed.
Harvey Disher: Okay, 24 hours.
Jimmy Belmont: Thank you, Harvey. Good man! Good pig, too!
[Shortly after his uncle's death, Randy and several cops make their way down a hallway in a hotel preparing to execute a drug bust]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from a piece of paper] Okay. This is it. 109. [A police officer follows him to the door of Room #109. They hear a toilet being flushed] He’s flushing the drugs. We gotta take him now.
Police Officer: The captain said to wait!
Lt. Randall Disher: No, no time. Let’s do it. [he kicks down the door and enters the room, arousing the couple in bed] Police officers! Police officers!
Startled Woman: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: Watch her! Show me your hands! Now! Show me your hands! Right now! Hands up! Hands on the wall. [He accosts the man and pushes him into the wall]
Startled Man: What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing, you son of a bitch? Against the wall!
Startled Woman: Oh, my God! Leave him alone!
Lt. Randall Disher: Tell your hooker to shut up.
Startled Man: My hooker? Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: I’m a cop. Wanna tell me what you just flushed down the toilet?
Startled Man: No!
Lt. Randall Disher: All right, Alfonso. We’ll do it your way. You have the right to remain silent.
Startled Man: Who the hell is Alfonso?
Lt. Randall Disher: Anything you say can and will be used against you in a… [Another police officer arrives, and turns on the lights, revealing that Randy is handcuffing an old man. His terrorized wife walks over and embraces her husband]
Woman: Oh, Bernie. Oh, Bernie. Get away!
Lt. Randall Disher: [embarrassed] Um… Oh. [He takes out the note in his pocket. He turns it around, and realizes that he was reading the number #601 upside down. At that point, there is noise in the hallway]
Police Officer: There he goes! Alfonso! Police! Drop the gun! Drop the gun! [The real drug dealer passes the door]
Lt. Randall Disher: I’m, uh, I’m really sorry, Mr…
Startled Woman: His name is Bernard Garrison. He is a retired lawyer.
Bernie: I’m not retired anymore.
Startled Woman: Oh.
[Randy hands Stottlemeyer a resignation notice]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, don’t do this.
Lt. Randall Disher: It’s effective as of noon today. So, I have, uh, nine minutes left if there’s anything you need me to do quickly. Maybe some filing? [checks his watch again] That’s 8 minutes and 49 seconds.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know how you feel. You screwed up. Everybody screws up.
Lt. Randall Disher: You’re right. Everybody does screw up, but I am a screw-up. There’s a difference. [surrenders his gun and badge] You need to sign for those.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We picked up Rivera this morning.
Lt. Randall Disher: No thanks to me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don’t have to worry about Garrison. State’s attorney’s negotiating with him. He’s gonna settle, they always do. [holds up the badge and fidgets with it] Randy…son…this badge represents ten years of your life. Ten years of good work.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, I’m done. I’m leaving. Hey, I’ve already sublet my apartment. You remember my uncle? Uncle Harvey?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure. The farmer. The suicide.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, an estate lawyer called me last week. He left me his farm.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You’re kidding.
Lt. Randall Disher: I know. I was gonna…I was gonna sell the place, but, you know, after this, I’m…I’m gonna do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You’re gonna do what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Take it over. Run the place. Work the land.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: “Work the land”? What are you, Woody Guthrie? Randy, you’re not a farmer.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you might be right. All I know for sure is, I’m not a cop.
[Monk is getting off the Greyhound bus at Randy's farm]
Adrian Monk: [talking to the driver] Thank you for letting me keep my bags with me. [pause] Oh, and is this where I get the bus to go back?
Bus Driver: No! [quickly shuts the door and speeds off]
[Oates wakes up Randy, who is fast asleep and listening to a self-help tape]
Man on Tape: These changes are like ripples on a pond. But is that enough? Are you satisfied being just a ripple?
Randy Disher: [muttering] No. Not a ripple.
Man on Tape: You are a tidal wave. Say it with me. I am a tidal wave.
Randy Disher: I am a tidal wave.
Man on Tape: I love and approve of myself.
[Oates starts shaking Randy to arouse him]
Farmhand Oates: Mr. D?
Man on Tape: I live in the now.
Farmhand Oates: Hey. Tidal wave! [Randy opens his eyes]
Man on Tape: And my inadequacies…
Farmhand Oates: You’ve got company.
Randy Disher: Who is it?
Farmhand Oates: Funny fellow. Kinda nervous.
Randy Disher: It’s Monk. [He gets up and puts on a buttoned shirt] Oh, okay. Okay. I’m up. I’m up. Oh, hey. Something smells good. What’s for breakfast?
Farmhand Oates: It’s lunch. I’ve been up since five.
Randy Disher: O’clock?
Farmhand Oates: Yes, o’clock!
Randy Disher: Why? I know. Farm stuff. You should’ve woken me up.
Farmhand Oates: I did.
[Monk is visibly uncomfortable as he watches Randy unloading hay bales off the truck for storage in the shed]
Randy Disher: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m fine. It’s just, you know, everything. The earth and the outdoors. All the animals. Animal byproducts.
Randy Disher: Well, you know, all the food you eat comes from farms just like this.
Adrian Monk: Not anymore. Not as of the last 23 minutes.
Randy Disher: Well, I love it. I used to come up here every summer helping Uncle Harvey run the place. I still can’t believe it’s all mine. It’s all mine. It’s my farm. I own a farm. I’m the Farmer in the Dell. [Oates arrives]
Farmhand Oates: I got that tractor running.
Randy Disher: Was it broken?
Farmhand Oates: Since Tuesday.
Randy Disher: But it’s working now? Good. Good. Good man, Oates.
Farmhand Oates: You feed the jerseys?
Randy Disher: Yes. Yes, I did.
Farmhand Oates: Today?
Randy Disher: No, not today exactly.
Farmhand Oates: They gotta be fed every day! Animals eat every day! I’ll do it. Jesus… [He starts to leave, but Randy stops him]
Randy Disher: Oates. Oates, would you, uh, would you tell Monk what you were telling me the other day?
Farmhand Oates: About how you’re not cut out to…
Randy Disher: Oh, no. No, no, no. About Uncle Harvey.
Farmhand Oates: Well, I’ve been working this farm for 20 years. Your uncle was a tad peculiar. Especially about Nadine.
Adrian Monk: Nadine?
Randy Disher: Uh, his pig. It was like his child.
Farmhand Oates: Old Harvey was a character. There’s no denying it, but it was just him and me up here. I knew that man better than I knew myself. I could live a thousand years before I’d believe that he tried to do himself in.
Randy Disher: Monk, can I show you something?
[Randy takes Monk to Harvey's pickup truck, covered up with a blue tarp]
Randy Disher: This is exactly how they found it. They were gonna tow it away, but I took another look. Something just didn’t feel right. I covered it up, and I called you.
Adrian Monk: I’m glad you did.
Randy Disher: Really?
Adrian Monk: No. Where was the pig?
Randy Disher: [points to a spot a short distance back up the road from the truck] She was right there on the road.
Adrian Monk: So, according to the police, your uncle was driving home, lost control of the truck, accidentally ran over Nadine, his beloved, prize-winning, 200-pound pig.
Randy Disher: She was Pig of the Year. Three years in a row.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I’m sorry, I didn’t get a chance to…to meet her. So he hit Nadine, and then he careened off the road, and into the electric fence. Then he realized what he had done, “Oh my god! I killed the Pig of the Year!”, and he was so depressed… and so overcome with grief, that he grabbed the rifle from that gun rack, and killed himself. [Randy opens the driver's side door so that Monk can get a better look]
Randy Disher: Right. That’s the official version, but look at this. [points to underneath the driver's seat] Uncle Harvey kept a handgun under the seat. Why didn’t he use it? It would’ve been a lot easier.
Adrian Monk: So you think he was killed by somebody who didn’t know about the handgun? Did he have any enemies?
Randy Disher: Well, I’ve been asking around. Two days before the "accident," he was seen arguing with Jimmy Belmont. He’s another farmer. He lives up the road.
Adrian Monk: Arguing about what?
Randy Disher: Nobody knows.
Adrian Monk: People argue all the time, Randy.
Randy Disher: Okay. Okay, I know. But what about this: How did Nadine get out of her pen? She was locked up 24/7, and she wouldn’t let anybody near her except Uncle Harvey.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, yeah, maybe, maybe she was drugged. Where is the pig? Maybe we could have them do an autopsy.
Randy Disher: We ate her.
Adrian Monk: [in disbelief] You ate the pig?
Randy Disher: Yeah, I know. I’m an idiot.
Adrian Monk: No, I didn’t say that…
Randy Disher: No, I’m….... See, Monk? That’s why I’m not a cop! What kind of cop eats a crucial piece of evidence?!
[A Chambers County Sheriff's SUV arrives, and Sheriff Butterfield and her deputy get out]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Mr. Disher. I’ve been telling you all week you’ve gotta fix your fence! You’ve got deer all over the road! [She points out a pair of deer milling around a short distance up the road] You must be the famous Mr. Monk. Disher talks about you all the time.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: You gonna clean his house while you’re here?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: He’s joking. We were joking with you. Welcome to Chambers County, Mr. Monk. Got a housewarming gift for you. [hands a file to Monk] It’s the case file. Complete with photos, but you’re both wasting your time. It was a suicide, sure as shooting.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Lenny and me were the first ones up here. We were at the community center down the hill. There’s a big dance every month. Someone heard a gunshot. We were here four, maybe five minutes later.
Adrian Monk: You didn’t see anybody else?
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Nah, he was alone. I’m a hundred percent sure. The irrigation sprinklers were on. The ground was muddy. There were no footprints. By the truck, on the road, nowhere. It was suicide. Sad but true.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: Sheriff, we have to go. [Monk starts reading the file]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: I’m gonna need that back. Uh, there’s another dance tonight. You can bring it with you.
Randy Disher: Well, I wasn’t planning on going to the dance tonight.
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: I wasn’t talking to you. [She winks at Monk and clicks her tongue] Do something about those deer!
Randy Disher: Yes, ma’am. [Butterfield and her deputy get in their car and drive away]
Adrian Monk: Did she wink at me? I think she winked at me.
Randy Disher: There’s no footprints. Monk, I’m sorry. I guess I brought you out here for nothing.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not. Maybe not. She said that somebody at the dance heard the gunshot. Check out who it was.
Randy Disher: [looks through the file for the part in question] Jimmy Belmont.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. How far away is that dance hall?
Randy Disher: I don’t know. Half a mile?
Adrian Monk: Do you really think somebody could hear a gunshot from that far away? Especially if there was dancing and music playing?
Randy Disher: I don’t know, but…we can find out.
[Monk asks a woman selling lemonade at the square dance hall]
Lemonade Woman: Lemonade?
Adrian Monk: OK.
Lemonade Woman: I made it myself!
Adrian Monk: Oh, then, no, thank you. Were you here last month?
Lemonade Woman: I sure was! I haven’t missed a dance in twelve years!
Adrian Monk: Great. Great. Did you hear the gunshot? From the Disher Farm?
Lemonade Woman: No, sir. I sure didn’t. [As the dancing ends, Monk talks to another man]
Adrian Monk: Sir, did you hear the gunshot, last month from the Disher Farm?
Man at Dance Hall: No, I can’t say as I did. ‘Cause I didn’t.
[Monk is roped against his will into dancing with Sheriff Butterfield]
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: Loosen up! What are you afraid of?
Adrian Monk: Well... pretty long list.
[As part of their experiment, Randy stands by Harvey's truck with a rifle, and at 9:00 PM, he tries to fire, only to find that the rifle is empty. He resorts to cupping his hands over his mouth]
Randy Disher: Bang! Bang! Bang!
[Cuts to Monk, Randy, and Oates sitting around the kitchen table]
Randy Disher: I still can’t believe I forgot to load the gun! I tried yelling. Did you hear anything?
Adrian Monk: No.
Randy Disher: I was standing in the middle of the road yelling “bang” for 20 minutes. I’m just glad the captain wasn’t there.
Adrian Monk: These things happen.
Randy Disher: Yeah, to me. They happen to me, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Okay, look. Our little demonstration didn’t work, but you might be right about Jimmy Belmont: That night, a month ago, was the first dance he had been to in 10 years, and, he was the only person there who heard the gunshot. It’s pretty suspicious.
Randy Disher: Suspicion isn’t proof.
Adrian Monk: You know. I’d still like to meet him. Talk to him.
Farmhand Oates: Well, it won’t be easy. Belmont never leaves his farm, and he don’t like visitors. But he is looking for a new farmhand.
[Monk arrives at Jimmy Belmont's farm disguised as a laborer in search of work]
Adrian Monk: Ola, Señor. Intiendo que usted busca ayuda. ["Hello, sir. I see that you are looking for help."]
[Monk and one of Belmont's farmhands are in the coop, feeding the chickens]
Adrian Monk: (counting the chicken food) 96... 97...
Javier: ...usted anda como burro en primavera, mano. Todo, todo, jodido, vé. ["as donkey in spring, hand. All, all, fucked, see."]
Adrian Monk: Si... ["Yes"]
Javier: Ni familia ni nada, hace como seis meses que no veo a mi vieja. ["Neither family nor nothing. It's been six months since I've seen my wife."]
Adrian Monk: 99...
Javier: Ando como burro en primavera. ¿Me entiende? (scolding chicken) Para dentro, para dentro. ["I'm like a donkey in spring. Do you understand me? Inside, inside!"]
Adrian Monk: Si. Si. ["Yes. Yes."]
Javier: Estamos jodidos aquí. Estamos bien jodidos. ["We're screwed here. We're well screwed."]
Adrian Monk: Si. Si. Javier, Javier. ["Yes, yes. Javier?"]
Javier: ¿Qué? ["Yes?"]
Adrian Monk: ¿Javier vio jamás, ahm, usted al señor Belmont luchar con...? ["Javier, did you ever see Mr. Belmont fight with..."]
Javier: No te entiendo. No te entiendo. ["I do not understand."]
Adrian Monk: No, no. ¿Señor Belmont lucho con señor Disher? ¿Luchar o discutir? ["Did you ever see Jimmy Belmont fight with Harvey Disher? Fighting or arguing?"]
Javier: No. Yo nunca vi nada de eso. ["No, I never saw anything like that."]
[While Monk is examining the fenced off area of Belmont's farm, Belmont comes along carrying a shotgun]
Jimmy Belmont: Señor Monk.
Adrian Monk: Si. [Belmont asks him something in Spanish] Si.
Jimmy Belmont: Si?
Adrian Monk: Si.
Jimmy Belmont: I just asked if you got a squirrel in your pants. [Monk struggles to make a Spanish response] You don’t speak any Spanish, do you?
Adrian Monk: Some. High school.
Jimmy Belmont: You want to tell me what you’re doing back here?
Adrian Monk: No.
Jimmy Belmont: You know, there are no secrets in a town like this. I know all about you, Former Detective Adrian Monk. I heard you were dancing with Sheriff Butterfield last night. Badly. Heard you were asking about me. Well, here I am. Now, you want to ask me something, you go right ahead.
Adrian Monk: Okay, what’s back there? Let me guess. Fields of reefer.
Jimmy Belmont: Fields of reefer? What kind of cop were you?
Adrian Monk: You know what I mean: Ditchweed. Boo. The old Ali Baba.
Jimmy Belmont: What makes you think that I’d actually-
Adrian Monk: Magic Dragon? Bambalachi. Yellow Submarine. Black Bart. Doctor Giggles. Kentucky Blue. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Railroad Weed! That’s right. The Devil’s Parsley! Skunk, Splim, Splam, Mooster! Side Salad.
Jimmy Belmont: Side Salad?
Adrian Monk: You’ve been supplementing your income. What do you have? About four or five acres of marijuana back there? Harvey Disher found it, and he was threatening to turn you in. [Belmont cocks his shotgun] You killed him.
Jimmy Belmont: Did I? How? See, Harvey Disher’s truck went off the road at 10:30pm. That’s a fact. Hit the electric fence. Everybody saw the lights go out. I was in the dance hall. Half a mile away. In front of fifty witnesses. Now, you think you got enough for a search warrant? [Monk doesn't respond] Yeah, I don’t, either. Not in this county. It’s time you were headed home, Former Detective Adrian Monk. Front gate’s that way. Go on ahead. Go on. Go. [Monk leaves]
[Oates is outside on the porch, and looks up to see Monk handcuffing himself to the grain drill]
Farmhand Oates: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Oates? Oates! Thank, God! Where’s Randy?
Farmhand Oates: He’s asleep. I can’t help but noticing that you’re handcuffing yourself to that grain drill.
Adrian Monk: I inhaled some reefer.
Farmhand Oates: I got you.
Adrian Monk: It’s gonna kick in any minute.
Farmhand Oates: Okay.
Adrian Monk: Here’s the thing. I can’t tolerate any drugs or medications. It’s my metabolism. I don’t know what…I don’t know what’s gonna happen to me. I might go berserk! I might hurt somebody. Oates, dude…here. Here. [Monk throws the handcuff keys to Oates] Listen, whatever happens, don’t unlock me. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY! Even if I’m begging you! Oh, my God. Here it comes! Oh, God! I think it’s starting!
Farmhand Oates: We’re talking about marijuana, right?
Adrian Monk: UH-OH! [stands up, and starts shaking, and jumping around] RIVERDANCE! Oh! Oh! I can feel it! I’m getting hungry!
Farmhand Oates: Did you have dinner? Got some pecan pie in the fridge.
Adrian Monk: IT'S THE MUNCHIES! Oates, whatever you do, don’t put anything near my mouth!
Farmhand Oates: Can do! But I gotta say, you know, I’ve had some experience in this area, and I don’t think you’re stoned at all.
Adrian Monk: No! Oh, no! I SEE LIGHTS FLICKERING!
Farmhand Oates: Yeah. They’re fireflies. [The sprinklers start spraying water, and Monk gets drenched]
Adrian Monk: What was that?! What was that?!
Farmhand Oates: It’s 8:00! Irrigation sprinklers. [Monk suddenly calms down]
Adrian Monk: Do they come on every night all over the property?
Farmhand Oates: Every night.
Adrian Monk: Oates. I know how he did it. I know how Belmont killed Randy’s uncle. Get me out of this.
Farmhand Oates: Okie doke.
Farmhand Oates: One minute you're hand-cuffing yourself to a piece of farm machinery, sobbing like a schoolgirl, the next minute you're putting all the pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. Which is the real Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I like to think that a man is made up of many different–
Farmhand Oates: I think it's the schoolgirl.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you're probably right.
[Monk sneaks into Randy's bedroom and disguises his voice as the motivational CD Randy is listening to, after turning it off]
Adrian Monk: [in a low voice] Randy. You were right. Belmont killed your uncle.
Randy Disher: Killed my uncle......
Adrian Monk: Here’s what happened.
[cuts to the sun rising on the horizon. Randy walks into the kitchen, where Monk and Oates are waiting for him]
Randy Disher: Morning. Any coffee left?
Farmhand Oates: Got a full pot. How’d you sleep?
Randy Disher: Well, fine, I guess. [Randy goes to the fridge, and smells the cream] Ew, it’s sour. What kind of farm is this? We don’t even have any fresh cream! [He walks out of the kitchen. He slaps his head. Monk glances at him to see if Randy has figured out everything that was fed to him in his sleep]
Adrian Monk: Randy, what is it?
Randy Disher: Mosquito. So, fill me in, what happened on Belmont’s farm?
Adrian Monk: Not much to tell. It was a dead end. How, how about you? Any new thoughts on the case?
Randy Disher: No. [Suddenly, Randy stops with a surprised look on his face]
Adrian Monk: What? What is it?
Randy Disher: No. It’s nothing. Wait! Wait. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. Oh my God! [walks over and takes a figurine pig off one of the shelves] Oh, my God. Monk, call the sheriff. I think I solved the case.
[Randy gives the Monk-fed summation on how Belmont killed Harvey Disher]
Randy Disher: It was a perfect alibi, and that is how you did it, Mr. Belmont.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: [raises his hand] Um, I’m not following.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I don’t think you’re quite done. You mentioned that part about the… [imitates sprinklers running] Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Sprinklers.
Randy Disher: Yes! I’m not done yet. The sprinklers! [In a black-and-white flashback, the sprinklers go on, and the salt licks that have propped up the rear wheels on Harvey's truck melt, and the truck rolls forward] At 8:00, the sprinklers kicked on and melted the blocks of salt. [The truck runs straight into the electric fence, causing several sparks from a short-circuit] Touchdown. [The lights in the dance hall flicker] When the lights flickered, you were half a mile in front of fifty witnesses. [Flashback ends] That’s the prettiest piece of homicide I’ve ever encountered. Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I…I guess I just…I don’t know.
Randy Disher: I understand. You’re in a slump. Don’t worry. I’ve been there. Just give it time. You’ll be back.
Deputy Lenny Hatcher: It would explain a lot.
Sheriff Margie Butterfield: It would explain everything. Including the deer: They were licking the salt.
Jimmy Belmont: Now that is a nice story. See that’s all it is. [he gets in Randy's face] Where’s your proof? Physical proof. You don’t have any, do you?
Adrian Monk: I think he’s right. [beat]
Randy Disher: Sheriff, do you have an evidence bag? Monk, your pen. [He takes both and walks over to the driver's side door of the truck] This truck was never touched or moved, right? [He uses the pen to remove the keys from the ignition, and then breathes air onto it, revealing a fingerprint] Yes. That’s a fingerprint. See that? [glares at Belmont] If this is your fingerprint, it means that you were the last person to operate that vehicle. Is that proof enough?
[last lines; Randy is back in Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I guess I need to talk to the chief now.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, you don’t need to talk to anybody. [He produces Randy's badge and gun from his desk drawer] I never sent it down. You’ve been sick. You had meningitis. [points at the pillow Randy is holding] What’s this?
Lt. Randall Disher: I have, uh, I have a new technique. Go to sleep, wake up, case is solved.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you.
Lt. Randall Disher: I don’t know how I do it. It just happens. What are you working on?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A double homicide in the Castro. A couple of… [Randy takes the file]
Lt. Randall Disher: Great. I’ll take it. Cold case?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. [Randy takes that file as well]
Lt. Randall Disher: Good, I’ll take that one, too.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey…I, uh…
Lt. Randall Disher: I missed you too. [walks over to the office couch] All right. See you in a couple of hours. [yawns] Just try to keep it down a little bit. [he lies down, clutching the files to his chest like a stuffed teddy bear] Okay.

Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy [5.15][edit]

Monk: It's enough to make me LOL... out loud.
[Julie is seen teaching Monk about computers.]
Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.
Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.
Julie: And this is a mouse pad...
Monk: Wow! It is so rubbery!
[Stottlemeyer mentions to Agent Thorpe that his equipment is severely outdated]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're wrong about Adrian Monk.
Agent Thorpe: Am I?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. I know he's a little strange, and he can be difficult. But I can tell you of at least twelve different cases where all of the evidence...
Agent Thorpe: Captain Stottlemeyer, you're looking at a half a billion dollars worth of equipment. Are you trying to tell me your funny little friend is smarter than all of this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [smiles without flinching] Yes, I am.
[Randy sings his song "I Don't Need a Badge" out of tune and key]
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a flaw to your plan.
Agent Thorpe: What?
Stottlemeyer: The first person that attacks him might not necessarily be your serial killer. It may be me.
Stottlemeyer: This is a complete waste of time, you know that.
Agent Thorpe: Did you say something?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I said, "Monk is right, sir." I have never read one of these "psychological profiles" that meant squat, particularly if it was created by one of these gizmos.
Agent Thorpe: These "gizmos," as you call them, are going to catch our killer. Mark my words.
[When the "serial killer" makes a break for it, Stottlemeyer grabs FBI Agent Keao's custom-made PDA and throws it, catching the killer in the back and knocking him to the ground.]
Stottlemeyer: Hey! You were right, one of your gizmos caught the killer.
[At the end, writing a letter to one of Julie's friends]
Adrian Monk: Dear Kimberly, I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the S.W.A.T. team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I am sorry about the nightmares, it will never happen again. Adrian Monk.
Julie: Very good; this next one is for Allison.
Adrian Monk: Dear Allison [...]

Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital [5.16][edit]

[A man is being pushed in on a stretcher, with bandages on his head]
Adrian Monk: HEY! I WAS HERE FIRST!
Receptionist: He has a head wound.
Adrian Monk: I have a head wound!
Receptionist: That is not a head wound, it's a nosebleed.
Adrian Monk: I happen to believe this very well might be a head wound.
[As Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher examine Dr. Whitcomb's office, they find a piece of a tag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is that?
Hospital Administrator: That looks like a seal. That could be from one of our oxygen tanks.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [reads the label] "Room 623".
Lt. Randall Disher: 623. All right, let's go!
Hospital Administrator: Uh, Lieutenant? That's the Geriatric ward. If he's a patient up there, he's at least eighty years old.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well then, we better move fast.

Season 6[edit]

Mr. Monk and His Biggest Fan [6.1][edit]

[Natalie tries to convince Monk to take part in an SFPD bachelor auction.]
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie Teeger: Don't you want to appear to be a team player?
Adrian Monk: Sure.
[Natalie is trying to shoo Marci away]
Marci Maven: Look, I really have to see Adrian, it's an emergency!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what you said last year, Marci, but when he got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Cristi!
Marci Maven: It was Thanksgiving!
[Marci plays with dolls representing herself and Monk in a diorama that supposedly depicts the carjacking scene in "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies"]
Marci Maven: "Adrian. Should we call the Captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car."
[Marci picks up a small yellow-haired doll and throws it across the diorama.]
Marci Maven: [in falsetto] "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie Teeger: Is that me? [Picks up the doll and looks disgusted] It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh.
Adrian Monk: It's possible—there's a chance—she's not crazy. I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
[Marci trots towards him with her arms spread.]
Adrian Monk: [shrinking away] Clue hug?
Natalie Teeger: Take it like a man.
[Marci's dead dog Otto is being framed for a murder]
Marci Maven: You're the detective, you figure it out! You do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut-and-dried, and then you come in and do your thing, like in "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut" or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"—oh, you remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
Natalie: After all, you're only human.
Monk: There's no need for name-calling.
[last lines; Marci has sent her box of memorabilia back to Monk. He finds the troll doll]
Adrian Monk: Oh look, it's you. [Natalie finds the bobbleheads of Monk and Marci]
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "Oh, Adrian, I adore you! You're so amazing!"
Adrian Monk: All right...
Natalie Teeger: [as Monk] "Thank you, Marci. I think you have excellent taste. How would you like to be my new assistant? You can follow me around and worship me all day."
Adrian Monk: All right, it wasn't like that...
Natalie Teeger: [as Marci] "And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug! Clue hug!"
Adrian Monk: Cut it out, will you? I know it's you!
Natalie Teeger: [following him out of the room] "Oh, don't go away, I just want a little clue hug! Clue hug, clue hug, clue hug!"

Mr. Monk and the Rapper [6.2][edit]

[Monk and Natalie are adjusting Monk's clocks for Daylight Savings Time]
Adrian Monk: [checking his watch] Here we go. Ten seconds, nine-
Natalie Teeger: I just want to say for the record, I hate Daylight Savings Time.
Adrian Monk: Five. Four. Three. Two. And...now! [Natalie springs the clock forward]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, perfect!
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's two seconds off!
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no! Mr. Monk, no one's ever going to notice!
Adrian Monk: Natalie-
Natalie Teeger: No one except for you!
Adrian Monk: Let's just try it one more time! Come on, it's only twice a year! [Natalie reluctantly returns to the clock to recalibrate] Here we go, in 55, 54, 53- [Natalie notices some flowers on Monk's armchair]
Natalie Teeger: What are those?
Adrian Monk: Those are for you.
Natalie Teeger: [jabs his shoulder] Get out! Flowers?! Awww! [picks the flowers up and reads the card] "Happy Secretary's Day. Mr. M." [Natalie looks offended]
Adrian Monk: Yeah. "You're welcome." Yeah, get ready: 42 seconds, 41,
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm not your secretary. I'm your assistant!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, secretary, it's the same thing. 35, 34- [Natalie puts the flowers down]
Natalie Teeger: No, no! It's not the same thing!
Adrian Monk: Can we talk about this in 31 seconds? [Natalie walks back over to him, annoyed]
Natalie Teeger: Do you think a secretary has to do what I do?! It is a huge responsibility!
Adrian Monk: What? What about the Secretary of State? That's a very important job. Or Secretariat, Triple Crown winner. I'd love to see an assistant do that. Counting down-[Natalie covers his watch]
Natalie Teeger: You don't respect me at all, do you? I mean, really, really respect me!
Adrian Monk: Of course I do! 22. I do, Natalie-[the doorbell rings] Ooh, doorbell. Natalie, hurry back. [Natalie still is holding his watch hand and doesn't move] 15. [frees his hand from Natalie's grasp] Never mind! Come in, it's open! [turns back] This is it. Ten seconds, nine. Natalie, eight [Murderuss and two of his associates come in]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? [taps Monk's shoulder to tell him to turn around. Monk freezes up]
Adrian Monk: [after a pause] Howdy.
[Murderuss and two of his associates enter Monk's apartment]
Murderuss: Are you Monk?
Adrian Monk: Please, "Adrian." [shakes Murderuss's hand] Excuse us, we were just, uh, we were just setting the clocks forward there. Daylight Savings Time and all. [Snake di Assassin and Silent Killa sit down on the couch]
Murderuss: Hey, man, I always forget to do that. [Murderuss picks up his pocket watch and opens it to reset it]
Adrian Monk: That's a beautiful watch.
Murderuss: Oh you like that, huh? It's white gold, imported. I'll have to get you one next time I see you.
Snake di Assassin: They're his trademark.
Adrian Monk: Really? Sorry.
Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
Natalie Teeger: Murderuss? I've heard of you! I've taken your records away from my daughter!
Adrian Monk: [laughs] You'll have to excuse Natalie. She's a little prudish about that stuff.
Murderuss: I'm different these days. I'm more of a--a businessman. I have my own record label - Manslaughter Records. [gestures to Snake on the couch] This is Snake di Assassin, my VP.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Assassin. [shakes Snake's hand]
Snake di Assassin: Ssssss.....
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Murderuss: [gestures to Killa in the doorway] And this is Silent Killa, 'secretary of defense'.
Adrian Monk: Secretary? Uh-oh! Natalie here thinks "secretary" is a dirty word.
Murderuss: Have you seen that? [Snake di Assassin hands Monk a newspaper] My lawyer's already calling me. The police are looking for me, they think I did it. [We see the article Monk is looking at: "Rap Star Killed in Car Bomb; Driver Wounded", with a photo of Extra Large under it]
Natalie Teeger: Wait, well-well why would they think that?
Snake di Assassin: Motive, yah?
Adrian Monk: Motive, yeah.
Murderuss: The deceased, Extra Large, used to record on my label. But the splits weren't exactly cordial.
Snake di Assassin: I hate that motherf-[stops when he sees Murderuss glaring at him] fella. I hate that fella.
Adrian Monk: Is this all they have?
Murderuss: Plus, about a month ago, I made a song talking about how I wanted to kill him, and how I planned to do it.
Snake di Assassin: "Tick! Tick! Tick, tick, car bomb!" [sighs] The name of the song was "Car Bomb".
Murderuss: And that's the exact same way he died. You know what I'm saying? [Monk nods] Now look, I'm no angel, and I never pretended to be, but this time, this wasn't me.
Adrian Monk: No. Of course it wasn't.
Snake di Assassin: We've been asking around and the streets've been saying, "Some kind of supercop."
Adrian Monk: Well, I guess if other people say it, it's not really bragging. You feelin' me there, Silent? He's feeling it. [Silent Killa is silent]
Murderuss: I want to hire you. I want you to do what you do: sniff around. Get me the hell out of this.
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking at the remains of Extra Large's limo]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found the limo driver over there. He's in intensive care. You think he's going to survive? [Monk puts his hands on his face] Are you OK?
Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Car bomb.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmm. You want to sit this one out?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We've already got a primary. Get this: the guy had a rival; another rapper. They've been threatening each other for months; even wrote little ditties about each other. Guess what his name is.
Adrian Monk: Murderuss.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's right! Is that perfect or what? I can't wait 'til the jury hears that!
Adrian Monk: Ah, it's only a name. Doesn't mean anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Murderuss"? Monk, that's not a name; that's a confession. Plus, the guy's got a rap sheet, like, ten miles long-
Adrian Monk: Alleged rap sheet.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, a very real, grown up rap sheet. I arrested the kid myself three times, back when he was a hood in the hood. What are you, his lawyer?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Natalie, am I his lawyer?
Natalie Teeger: No, you're his investigator! Murderuss paid us a little visit today.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He--he came to your house?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, he was afraid he was going to get blamed for this, so he asked Mr. Monk to take the case.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And you said "yes"?
Adrian Monk: Well, so I've been told! I wasn't really there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You did it again. [to Natalie] When he gets nervous, he blacks out sometimes and--and agrees to do stuff.
Adrian Monk: God, oh my god, what did I do?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, maybe you're right! Maybe he's not the guy.
Adrian Monk: Of course he's the guy! His name is "Murderuss"! [A bomb squad technician hands Randy an evidence baggie] I--I cannot believe this is happening.
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we found the detonator. [Stottlemeyer looks at the watch in the baggie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this, silver?
Adrian Monk: Nah, that's White Gold, imported.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well how do you know that?
Adrian Monk: Because my client wears them all the time; they're his trademark. I am so screwed, [turns to Natalie] and where were you?
Natalie Teeger: Don't look at me! I'm just the secretary. [walks away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Extra Large was your biggest star, your cash cow. But he left your label and started recording for Fresh Pr-, Fresh Produce?
Lt. Randall Disher: [checks notepad] Fresh Rhymes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Fresh Rhymes Records. You couldn't stand that, could you, Russell?
Murderuss: My name is Murderuss.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you'll always be Russell to me. Little Russell Kroy from Milburn Avenue, flushing dimebags down the toilet every time I came knocking. Does this one belong to you? [Stottlemeyer picks up an evidence bag on the table containing a white gold pocket watch] It's one of your trademarks, isn't it? It's like those special edition ponies you're wearing, and they make an excellent timing device.
Murderuss: I ain't no bomb-maker.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you don't have to be a bombmaker. Any Boy Scout could rig this. All you do is take one wire, you connect it to the hour hand, and the other wire goes to the face. Tick-tick-tick-tick. Nine o'clock, "Kaboom!"
Murderuss: Guess what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Murderuss: I ain't a Boy Scout either. [Stottlemeyer chuckles]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No kidding! [He picks up another evidence bag] How about this, Russell? It's a blasting cap. See that? That's a serial number. That's how we know that this particular blasting cap was stolen from a construction site a half-a-block away from your house.
Murderuss: I am not going to be putting a bomb under somebody's town car. You know me, I'm up close and personal, face-to-face.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, not according to this. [produces a Murderuss soundtrack CD] Track 4. A little song called "Car Bomb."
[Randy sets the CD case down in front of Murderuss]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Ch, ch, ch! I put the bomb in your limo, that's what the surprise is / Under your seat, like Oprah giving prizes!" Sound familiar?
Murderuss: Not the way you do it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I wasn't really performing it.
Murderuss: Look, you've got to be one of the whitest white boys I've ever met. And I've met Kevin Costner.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well, I could've done it right. I brought in a beatbox, but the Captain wouldn't let me.
Murderuss: [to Stottlemeyer] I owe you one.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, you're not the only musician in the room, Russ....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Actuall, I'm in a band, too! We do a very eclectic repertoire...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy!
Lt. Randall Disher: ...we do rap, we also do folk, we do metal.... [Stottlemeyer stands up]
Murderuss: What is this? Good cop/demented cop?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yo, just go to my website!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sternly] Randy!
Lt. Randall Disher: [offended] He called me white!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down!
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Murderuss] Don't deny it-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sit down!
[Randy reluctantly sits down in the chair Stottlemeyer was sitting in. He glares at Murderuss, disgusted]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You've got a problem, Russell: the limo driver was with the car all night long. He probably saw whoever planted this. He's going to pull through, and when he does, he's going to tell me what he saw.
Murderuss: Well he didn't see me! I'm being set up, I'm innocent! [Cuts to Monk and Natalie watching in the observation room] All you've gotta do is ask Adrian Monk! Anyone of y'all? I thought he was up here! [Monk looks distressed] He can tell you, he know what's happening: I've been set up and this a bunch of bull, man! I can't believe this.
[Monk and Natalie are walking out of the squad room after watching Murderuss get interrogated]
Natalie Teeger: Well, I don't think it was him!
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] Of course it was him! Didn't you hear the Captain? There's a mountain of evidence! He is so....so, so guilty. He is what we call "very guilty."
Natalie Teeger: Okay, Mr. Monk, you're just so nervous you're not thinking straight! If he did it, why did he hire you? You're the best detective in California.
Adrian Monk: It was probably his lawyer's idea! It's just PR to make him look good!
Natalie Teeger: I don't think so! I think he's frightened. You know, he's like you in a way: I think deep, deep down, he's just this frightened little boy.
Adrian Monk: And--and this is based on what?
Natalie Teeger: [shrugs] I have a hunch!
Adrian Monk: [laughs] Okay!
Natalie Teeger: You get hunches all the time! People don't laugh at you!
Adrian Monk: People laugh at me, plenty.
Natalie Teeger: But not about that! The Captain gets hunches! Why can't I have a hunch?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I get it! I get it: this is about the secretary thing, and how you don't think I...something about respecting...wait, I wrote it down.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is not about me! This is about your client! That man is in trouble and he's depending on you! You shook his hand!
Adrian Monk: [looks at his hand, suddenly shocked] Wipe!
[Monk is on a bench outside the hospital]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You mind if I join you? [Monk moves over so Stottlemeyer can sit down next to him] Randy's upstairs talking to our medical examiner in rap.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I learned a long time ago not to ask Randy why he does anything. Where's Natalie?
Adrian Monk: Oh, she went home. She's mad at me. Something about how I never listen and-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I understand you bought her a big bunch of flowers for Secretary's Day. Big mistake.
Adrian Monk: Well, they were on sale!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, that woman would crawl through hell for you! She is not your secretary!
Adrian Monk: I know, I know. They were on sale.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So are you going to come up? We have a fresh crime scene upstairs.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] Yeah, I'll-I'll be right up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're not going to like it. We found a footprint on the windowsill.
Adrian Monk: Let me guess: special edition shoe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The only kind your client, Murderuss, ever wears. [Stottlemeyer pulls out an evidence bag containing a chain] The murder weapon.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, let me guess: white gold!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found it out back in the hazardous waste bin. [Monk drops the bag, disgusted]
Adrian Monk: Of course! He knew I would never look out there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [picks up the bag] Grand jury's meeting tomorrow. They're going to indict him on Thursday and arrest him on Friday.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he is going to blame me. I've got to get out of that contract.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well then get out of that contract!
Adrian Monk: Will you--will you-will you-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, Monk. I will go with you.
[Monk is trying to address the partygoers at a tribute concert]
Adrian Monk: Let me give you the 4-1-1—that's the information.
[Murderuss raps the summation for Monk]
Here's what happened, y'all
I got this, Monk
Yeah, you can't believe what you hear all the time
Sometimes seeing is believing
Like the man said, I was set up
I'm just a pawn in this game
Let me break it down for y'all
No, for real, here's what happened
Have you ever been accused? (Man you got set up)
And it really wasn't you? (Man you got set up)
Tryin’ to plant somethin’ on me? (Man you got set up)
And then you say I killed the homey?
This fool [Denny Hodges] was greedy
Had to have the whole thing
Let me run it down to you
It's a cold game
He wanted more than half of the pie
That's why his partner had to die
You heard me [points to Woody Mitchum]. You was the target all along
Am I right or am I wrong?
Adrian Monk: [grabs the mike for a moment] You're making a lot of excellent points. He is.
[In flashback, Hodges plants the bomb under the left rear tire well of the limo]
Every week they had a breakfast date
Captain Crunch, French toast, or a stack of pancakes
But this week they wasn't servin’ nothin'
But murder on the plate
He wanted to pin it on me like a purple heart
But his perfect plan just fell apart
‘Cause like Aaron Burr who was tried for treason
You made a mistake, Dog, forgot about the season
There was a fatal flaw to the perfect crime
You see Sunday was daylight savings time
Twice a year we reset the clock ahead one hour [Murderuss sets his watch forward an hour at Monk's apartment],
But I guess you forgot
[The limo drops Mitchum off at a hotel]
Your partner showed up to break some bread
What he found was an empty table instead
You didn't order room service
Because you thought the homey whitey was dead
[Extra Large finishes talking to a female reporter and climbs into his limo]
Extra Large ran out of luck
When the limo came by and picked him up
The pocket watch up under the car
The trigger went "boom" and there went Extra Large
[The limo explodes in a fireball]


Have you ever been accused? (Man you got set up)
And it really wasn't you? (Man you got set up)
Tryin' to plant somethin' on me? (Man you got set up)
And then you say I killed the homey?
I went to the source and found a great detective
I told Adrian Monk to follow my direction
He solved the case and he rocked it well
Next stop for you, Denny Hodges, is a Death Row jail cell

Mr. Monk and the Naked Man [6.3][edit]

Peter Magneri: He threatened me once—at a zoning meeting. Hit me with a microphone.
Adrian Monk: He’s a nudist! That's what they do, they... they hit people with microphones.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have told Arlene Boras about why she killed her roommate]
Arlene Boras: You don't have any...
Natalie Teeger: ...Proof? [shows Peter Magneri's X-ray] Mr. Monk found this. It was behind the toilet.
Adrian Monk: [grimaces] Behind your toilet!
[Monk on the subject of nudity]
Adrian Monk: Let’s ship them all back!
Leland Stottlemeyer: Ship them back where, Monk?

Mr. Monk and the Bad Girlfriend [6.4][edit]

[Monk and Natalie leave Linda's office after interviewing her]
Natalie Teeger: Are you OK? What is it?
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid to say it out loud. She knows how to use a shotgun. She had a motive. You saw those boxes! He was taking a lot of their clients with them.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, are you talking about Linda?
[They head towards the elevators]
Adrian Monk: Shhh! Natalie, she's the same height as the killer. She had a key to the house.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, that's the captain's girlfriend! I--I don't believe it. It all could just be a coincidence, could it? [As they step into the elevator, Monk produces a tube of lipstick]
Adrian Monk: I found it in her purse.
Natalie Teeger: [reads the label] Coral Peach by Runway.
[The elevator doors close on them]
[Monk and Natalie tell Randy about their suspicions about Linda Fusco]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anyone.
Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
Natalie Teeger: What?! No!
Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco killed her partner.
Lt. Randall Disher: [laughs] What? I don't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?!
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's Linda! We know her!
Adrian Monk: Do we?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! Besides....it's impossible. I mean, she was talking to the Captain that night on the webcam from her house. I mean, Monk, you were there.
Adrian Monk: I know, but--
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, what was it, about seven o'clock? [walks over to a big bulletin board map of the San Francisco Bay Area] And she was definitely here in Richmond at seven o'clock. And the guy was killed when?
Adrian Monk: 7:20. There were two witnesses.
Lt. Randall Disher: OK, he was killed at 7:20 [points to Novato] here in Novato. That's some thirty miles.
Adrian Monk: 32.2.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, 32.2 miles in 20 minutes? There's no way. That's a hundred miles an hour through traffic. It's just not possible.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, well there's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? I mean, anything at all? One of your crazy theories?
Lt. Randall Disher: "My crazy theories". Like what?
Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco in a jetpack?
Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, well here they come. You can ask them for yourself. [He walks over to the window and looks down] Nope. False alarm. I heard a motorcycle; I thought it was them.
Adrian Monk: I thought the Captain sold his motorcycle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, he did. Linda has one, too.
[Monk is waiting outside Linda's house when Natalie rides up on a motorcycle]
Natalie Teeger: Pretty sweet, huh?
Adrian Monk: Where did you get that?
Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
Adrian Monk: No. All right. [studies the seat to see how to mount the bike] OK, so I just, how exactly-
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, why don't you just wait here? I can do this!
Adrian Monk: No! No-no. When I talk to Leland, I have to tell him that I checked it out myself.
Natalie Teeger: Okay! Then let's do it! [hands Monk a silver helmet]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: It's brand new, straight from the factory. Nobody's even worn it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, ehh-
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, if you don't put it on, bugs are going to fly into your mouth.
Adrian Monk: Can't you just avoid them?
Natalie Teeger: I can't avoid the bugs!
Adrian Monk: Sure you can! You see a bug, zig-zag! You see another bug, zig-zag!
Natalie Teeger: If you don't put it on, we're not going. [Monk puts it on. Natalie laughs]
Adrian Monk: What's so funny?
Natalie Teeger: Nothing! Sorry. I was just thinking about something else. You look great! [She scoots forward to give Monk more seat space] Here you go! Hop on! [Natalie puts on her own helmet]
Adrian Monk: Will you stop--stop laughing? Would you, please? [Natalie adjusts the strap on her helmet]
Natalie Teeger: All right! Born to be mild!
Adrian Monk: Ah! That's funny. Instead of "wild", then, you said "mild." That's hilarious. [Monk looks at his stopwatch] OK, we're here at Linda's house. She had twenty minutes to get there, so we're really going to have to haul bottom.
Natalie Teeger: "Haul bottom"?
Adrian Monk: It's biker talk! It just means "don't stop for anything". Right?
Natalie Teeger: Got it. [Natalie starts the engine up] All right, hold on!
Adrian Monk: To what?
Natalie Teeger: To me! [Monk grimaces as he tries to find a spot to grab Natalie's jacket without feeling uncomfortable]
Adrian Monk: Um, I'm--I'm okay.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you're going to fall off the seat!
Adrian Monk: Look, I know what I'm doing! OK? I'll just lean forward; it's called weight displacement. [looks at the stopwatch] We're wasting valuable time. Let's do it. [Natalie lowers her visor] Ready? And....GO! [Natalie peels forward. Monk immediately falls backwards and lands on the curb]
Natalie Teeger: Are you all right?
Adrian Monk: Wipes! Wipes!
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie riding down the street, with Monk placing wipes on Natalie's shoulders to use as handholds]
[Monk and Natalie have ridden by motorcycle from Linda's house to the crime scene. As they park at the police tape, Monk immediately staggers off the bike]
Natalie Teeger: Well, could she have done it?
Adrian Monk: Done who? Done what?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, check the stopwatch! [Natalie stops the stopwatch] An hour and five minutes. Not even close!
Adrian Monk: So, just remind me-
Natalie Teeger: The captain's girlfriend! She couldn't have done it! We just proved it!
Adrian Monk: Right! Linda. Thank god! [He and Natalie laugh] She couldn't have done it!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah....
Adrian Monk: Oh, what a relief, she didn't do it! Natalie, I have never been happier to be wrong. [Natalie pats him on the shoulder. Monk's glance falls on a small flower in the bush] Oh no! [Monk picks up a hibiscus flower. Natalie's face turns to one of shock]
Adrian Monk: We have some news; some good news.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we have good news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's great! That was fast!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. This individual has a motive....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good! Motive is good.
Adrian Monk: ....owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's pick him up. What's his name? [Monk and Natalie look at each other, and try to think for a few seconds, trying to get enough bravery to answer] Monk, the suspect has a name, right? [Monk hesitates a bit longer] And what is that name?
Adrian Monk: [finishes thinking] Linda. Linda Fusco.
[Stottlemeyer breaks out laughing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's hilarious. You got me. That's good. That's rich! [He starts to get into his car] See you guys mañana.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, he's not joking! He never jokes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true.
Adrian Monk: She's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No-no, wait, she was at home! We talked to here! She was 30 miles away from the thing!
Adrian Monk: Captain, she made a point of mentioning the time. It was seven o'clock, remember? We were her alibi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [closes his car door] How?
Adrian Monk: I don't know how, but she's the guy!
Natalie Teeger: Captain, we found this at the scene. [Natalie hands Stottlemeyer the flower Monk found in the bushes outside the house]
Adrian Monk: Hibiscus. Linda was putting a flower just like it in her hair on the night Sean Corcoran was killed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A lot of people....I can't believe we're having this discussion.
Adrian Monk: I can't either!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well what about the lunatic? The, uh, the client that wrote those letters? Have you even looked at her?
Adrian Monk: Captain, this isn't easy for me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh really! What is? [beat] You're talking about the woman I love, Monk.
Adrian Monk: I know! I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I think I know what's going on here. You look at me and you can't stand it. I have what you want: a badge, a woman, a life.
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But nothing! This is not my problem, Monk. This is your problem. You deal with it!
Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
Adrian Monk: I'm with the FBI [pause], in Washington D.C., [pause] watching you on my computer [pause] screen.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the Styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
Adrian Monk: Yes, he, I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself, and hates his life, and isn't happy unless everybody else is as miserable as he is!
Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
Helen Hubbert: How, how?
Adrian Monk: How?! We're the FBI, that's how!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse! He can see your wad of singles! [looks towards Monk and Natalie] Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man! Here. [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room] What do you think of that?!
Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life! Linda Fusco will still be guilty!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
[Linda is showing Natalie around an apartment]
Linda Fusco: Where's Adrian? I thought you two were always together.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, he does something every Wednesday.
Linda Fusco: It's Thursday.
Natalie Teeger: And Thursday. You know Mr. Monk, he can't just hang around. He has to go back and check his work.

Mr. Monk and the Birds and the Bees [6.5][edit]

[first lines]
[Dewey Jordan breaks into a house, and Rob Sherman is waiting for him]
Rob Sherman: You're late.
Dewey Jordan: What are you doing here? You said the place was gonna be empty.
Rob Sherman: Yeah. Change of plans. I decided to help out.
Dewey Jordan: Well, you're the boss.
Rob Sherman: That's right. I'm the boss. Oh, hey. Did you wipe your feet?
Dewey Jordan: Yes, sir. I wiped them outside, like you said.
Rob Sherman: Good. Then let's do it. You can start with these over here. [Dewey walks over to a glass case containing sports memorabilia and Sherman unlocks it]
Dewey Jordan: So, um, how does this work? I mean, when do you call the insurance company?
Rob Sherman: I won't be calling the insurance company. [He conjures a gun in his left hand]
Dewey Jordan: What's that?
Rob Sherman: This? Uh, this is your gun, Dewey.
Dewey Jordan: My gun? [Sherman promptly conjures a nickel-plated pistol in his right hand]
Rob Sherman: This one's mine. This is the one that I'm gonna kill the intruder with.
Dewey Jordan: Intruder? [Sherman shoots and kills Dewey with the gun in his right hand, leaving a small puff of gunpowder residue in the air]
Pam Sherman: [from upstairs] Rob? What was that? Are you all right?
Rob Sherman: I'm fine, Pam. Everything's fine. You'd better come down.
[His wife hurries downstairs and turns on the lights]
Pam Sherman: That sounded like a gun. [She sees Dewey Jordan's body]
Rob Sherman: It was.
Pam Sherman: Oh my god. Rob, is he dead? [pause] What did you do?
Rob Sherman: He had a gun. This one! [He accidentally holds up the pistol he just used to kill Dewey. He quickly then realizes his mistake] No, wait. This one.
[He holds up the black revolver, and then shoots her in the chest. Sherman then methodically goes around the room to stage the scene. He first rolls Dewey's body over to make it look like he fell facing up. Then he places the gun he used on Pam into Dewey's right hand, to frame him for that murder. After firmly positioning the gun in Dewey's hand, Sherman twists the gun and fires a shot that leaves a bullet hole in the doorframe - both to make sure there is gunpowder residue on Dewey's hand and also to make it look like he fired a shot at Sherman. Satisfied with how the crime scene now looks, Sherman sits down in a chair, takes out a phone, and calls 911, pretending to sound like he's panicking]
Rob Sherman: Oh my God. You've got to help me. It's my wife. She's been shot.
[Monk notices that Dewey Jordan wiped his feet before entering the house]
Adrian Monk: Why would he wipe his feet?
Lt. Randall Disher: You wiped your feet.
Adrian Monk: But I'm me, that doesn't count.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, let's go over it again, from the top.
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading from his notebook] OK. Husband, Robert Sherman, owns expensive rug. Intruder's shoes indicate he wiped his feet.
Natalie Teeger: Why would a kid breaking and entering bother to wipe his feet?
Adrian Monk: Because he wasn't breaking and entering! They knew each other. It was a setup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe...
Lovely Rita: [from the corner, handcuffed to a chair] Maybe the kid, the intruder, was planning on stealing the rug, and didn't want to scuff it up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [wryly] Thank you.
Lovely Rita: Anytime.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe he planned on stealing the rug.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, what about this? The phone in the bedroom was unplugged.
Lovely Rita: That doesn't mean anything. I unplug my phone all the time, if I want to sleep, when I'm going to bed...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She's right. Doesn't mean anything.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, how about this? The wife's slippers.
Natalie Teeger: Right, the husband said she went downstairs because she was cold. If she was cold, why wouldn't she put on her slippers? [pause. Everyone turns to look at Rita]
The Lovely Rita: Well, she wasn't really cold. She just said she was cold. She was really going downstairs to... get a bite of that chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Adrian Monk: What chocolate cake?! Who are you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This is Rita DePasque, aka "The Lovely Rita." She's a material witness on a knife fight downtown.
The Lovely Rita: Alleged knife fight. Alleged. I love that word.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The Lovely Rita has a point, amazingly enough. Any hotshot lawyer could explain away that entire notebook.
Adrian Monk: That's true but if you look at the picture, the big picture, I mean, it's plain as day! He's the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was the wife insured?
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So where's your motive?
The Lovely Rita: Wake up! [scoots her chair over] You've got two people, living under the same roof. One of them wants the other one dead. Believe me, I know.
Adrian Monk: He didn't love her! I was there when the M.E. wheeled out the wife. All he cared about was the rug.
Lovely Rita: You're cute.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Lovely Rita: You ever unbutton that top button?
Adrian Monk: Uhh...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is one problem with your theory: they never met. We checked their records - their bank records, their emails, their phone records. We talked to their friends - There is no connection between Rob Sherman and Dewey Jordan.
Adrian Monk: Look, I know I've seen them someplace.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Just somewhere. It's driving me crazy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, they lived in different worlds. [hands them one file] Here's Dewey Jordan's rapsheet - 19 arrests, 12 convictions: bad checks, drugs; a couple of burglaries. [hands over another file] And in sharp contrast, here is Mr. Sherman's jacket - one arrest - one in his entire life: driving with a suspended license.
[Monk and Natalie are trying to return ashes to several cremation urns they have accidentally spilled]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing? [Monk is pouring some ashes from one urn into another]
Adrian Monk: It's not even.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, those are people! Maybe they weren't the same size!
Adrian Monk: Well they are now!
[They finish cleaning up just as Sherman and the funeral director come up]
[Monk examines Dewey Jordan's apartment]
Adrian Monk: How long did he live here?
Mr. Morissey: Oh, nine months. I should've known he was going to be trouble - always late with the rent, always coming and going. So is it true what they say? He broke in and killed the guy's wife?
[While they are investigating Dewey Jordan's apartment, Natalie frets about Julie's new relationship]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God, Mitch, I miss you... [she stands up] Mr. Monk, would you talk to her?
Adrian Monk: What? [Monk is standing on a chair and unscrewing the cover for an air vent]
Natalie Teeger: Please! I don't know who else to ask! There's no man in her life!
Adrian Monk: [looks around desperately] What about him? [points at Mr. Morissey]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Morrisey?
Adrian Monk: Kids respect landlords. I think it's the keys.
[He finishes removing the vent screws with a screwdriver and moves the cover aside to find a handgun and ammunition stashed inside. He picks up the gun by fitting the screwdriver blade through the grip and examines it]
Mr. Morissey: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's a .22 caliber. Why didn't he bring this gun?
Mr. Morissey: So he had another gun.
Adrian Monk: But there's-there's no ammo for a .38 caliber. It's all for this gun. [He puts the gun back] I don't think he had another gun. [Natalie stands on another chair to be at the same height as Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, this is important to me! Julie loves you, you know that. You're like family!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't, I-I just can't! Why don't you ask the Captain, or anybody else? When it comes to this particular issue, I am probably the least qualified person in North America...
Natalie Teeger: That's what makes you perfect! You waited for Trudy, you were faithful, you respected her! You're a wonderful role model.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Natalie Teeger: ...In this particular case.
[Monk is giving Julie "the talk"]
Adrian Monk: [loudly] We certainly have had a very productive talk. [edges toward the door] This is the end of the talk...
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, wait. How do you know if what you're feeling is real?
Adrian Monk: [whispering] What are you doing?
Julie Teeger: No, I'm serious. When you met Trudy, how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Julie, listen, this is not real. It's just for your mother. I'm not really here, you understand? [Julie starts to cry] [Monk continues, still whispering] No, no, please, don't cry. I can't leave if you're crying. [louder] What you're feeling is perfectly normal! [whispering] What you're feeling is probably normal.
Julie Teeger: It's just... how did you know?
Adrian Monk: All right... [gives her his handkerchief and sits down] I used to wonder the same thing. And when I met Trudy, I said to myself, "now I see. Now I see why I'm here."
Julie Teeger: Was it wonderful?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I loved falling in love with her. Every morning of every day, I fell in love with her again. I think what your mother has been trying to tell you is, don't worry. All your dreams will come true. But they don't have to come true this weekend, right? You can take your time. You can wait...
Julie Teeger: Until I find Trudy?
Adrian Monk: Just wait for Trudy. Believe in Trudy. Trudy will come.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are viewing a blurry surveillance tape of the courthouse lobby]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, they're two blurs. Even for blurs, they're blurry! Can you make it bigger?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's already enhanced.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, that could be anybody! That could be Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they're both dead.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ginger Rogers is not dead.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she is dead. I'm sorry. Even if she wasn't. What would Fred and Ginger be doing in the courthouse?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not saying it is Fred and Ginger, I'm just saying that y-you can't tell who or what they are!
[Disher presses play on the tape]
Lt. Randall Disher: Look. [uses a marker to circle two blurs passing each other on camera] Right here. See? He comes in. They shake hands. That is definitely Rob Sherman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [notices the marker in Randy's hand] Is that a permanent marker?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it will rub off. [Stottlemeyer attempts to rub the marker off the monitor, with no success]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. [Randy also makes a bad attempt at getting the marker to come off]
Lt. Randall Disher: Have you seen the new screens? Pretty beautiful. Flat.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're worse than Monk. [walks out of the room]
[Stottlemeyer leads a handcuffed Rob Sherman to a patrol car. Randy has a backup of the disk with the photo of Julie and Tim Sussman that prominently features Sherman and Dewey Jordan in the background]
Lt. Randall Disher: Backup disk. Oh, and I printed off a copy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [takes the photo and tells Sherman] Ah. You and your friend take a very nice, very incriminating picture.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I put it on a mug, too. [shows the mug]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What for?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I figure the jury might appreciate it. They're human. They get thirsty. "Exhibit A. Thank you very much." [takes an imaginary sip from the mug] "Mmmm, guilty."

Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure [6.6][edit]

[One of Troy Kroger's teenaged friends is admiring Natalie]
Ridley: How old do you think she is?
Troy: 34, maybe?
Ridley: That's twice my age.
Pez: So, when you're 60, she'll be 120!
[Monk and Troy are playing 20 Questions while trapped in Troy's car after Steven Connolly buries the car under a pile of gravel]
Monk: Mineral. It's a mineral.
Troy: [Pause] Is it gravel?
Monk: [Crying] Yes, it's gravel. Gravel! It's gravel! It's everywhere!
[Randy tries to justify to Stottlemeyer a reason why he should be allowed to take one of the dead bank robber's coupons]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What are you getting at?
Lt. Randall Disher: Circle of life. [beat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, I know, but instead of a lion, it's me, and instead of a baby cub, it's a diet coke.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm going to let you have the receipt. On one condition: you know what you just said about the lion and the baby cub and the diet coke? You don't ever repeat that again as long as I am alive. Understood?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We hit a wall on that West Bay Trust robbery. I wanted to run a couple of things by you. We could have done this yesterday, but you were on your little road trip. What was that all about?
Adrian Monk: Oh I was helping Dr. Kroger's kid with his homework.
Lt. Randall Disher: Troy?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the kid needs a role model; somebody to look up to.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you're gonna help him find one?
Natalie Teeger: Actually, Mr. Monk did a great job yesterday. He was like a big brother, you would've been proud of him. [Randy starts sipping from his 44 ounce soda cup. Stottlemeyer grabs a pen from his cupholder and pokes a hole in the side of the cup, which starts leaking]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's do this. We've got surveillance video from the bank. [takes a VHS tape out of its case and plugs it into the TV, while Randy uses his finger to plug his cup] Here we go.
[The tape starts playing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [narrating the events on the screen] Wednesday, 9:18 in the morning. Two Caucasian males enter the Vinton Street branch. They pistol-whip Steven Connolly, the assistant branch manager. [As he says that, said event is shown on the tape, though a railing partially obstructs the camera's view]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, and guess who his brother is: "Happy" Jack Connolly. Remember him?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. [A guard comes out and shoots one of the gunmen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: 9:21, it all hits the fan: the security guard gets off one round. This guy - the guy in the green ski mask - gets hit, we think in the chest. [The guard is promptly killed by return fire] They kill the security guard, grab the cash. Two minutes later they're gone. Yesterday - Thursday - we find one of them in a parking lot, dead as dust. [hands them a file with a photo of the dead robber]
Natalie Teeger: From the gunshot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. This is the other guy: Mr. Black Ski Mask. It was a heart attack; one cheeseburger too many. We found blood in the backseat, but no body, no footprints.
Lt. Randall Disher: And no money.
Adrian Monk: Double cross?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe. Or somebody else found him. Could've been some kids, hanging out, skateboarding. [Randy starts slurping from his soda again] We traced the car. Mr. Black's name was Tony Gammelobo. Single, 47 years old, lives in Daly City. [Irritated by Randy's slurping, Stottlemeyer pokes another hole in his cup] Did four years in Arizona. Ring a bell? [Monk sits down, realizing something]
Adrian Monk: He was 47? [He has a flashback to Pez trying to buy beer at the minimart, saying "I'm totally 47!"] You said there were kids?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's possible, we're checking it out. [Randy starts sipping again]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, whoever it was, they cleaned him out, wallet, cell phone, everything.
Adrian Monk: What kind of cell phone?
Lt. Randall Disher: It was, uh, we found the charger. [takes one hand off his leaking cup to pull the charger out of his pocket] Yeah it was a Motorola.
Adrian Monk: Wha-what do they look like?
Lt. Randall Disher: [plugging his cup again] I've got the same model. It's in my pocket. [Natalie pulls the phone out of Randy's jacket pocket. Monk becomes disturbed]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? [Monk has a flashback to Troy's friends using an identical phone to take a picture of the "X" at the quarry]
Adrian Monk: Uh, I-I-I-I just remembered something. I have to go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're leaving?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I-I have to talk to Troy about something. [He heads for the door]
Natalie Teeger: I'll go with you.
Adrian Monk: No, no-no-no, this is between me and him. You stay here. I'll call you. [He rushes out of the office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was that all about?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. [Randy starts sipping loudly again. Having had enough, Stottlemeyer pokes a hole in the bottom of the cup, causing it to spill all over Randy's shoes]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't care. Free refills for life. [walks out of the office, the cup still leaking heavily]

Mr. Monk and the Daredevil [6.7][edit]

[Two kindergarten kids want to give Harold a poster of him as he is walking with Joey]
Kindergarten Teacher: They wanted to give you this. [hands Harold and Joey a poster]
Little Girl: It's a picture of you!
Harold Krenshaw: That's me, huh? [Looks at the sketch of him] Well, I hope not! Look at the size of my head!
Joey Krenshaw: I'm surprised you can stand up! [They laugh together. Harold notices a bridge]
Harold Krenshaw: And what is that?
Little Boy: The Golden Gate Bridge.
Harold Krenshaw: Really? What's keeping it up? Magic? Because I don't see any suspension cables! Joey, you got a pen? [to the kids] What's the matter with you? [takes a Sharpie and draws a few suspension cables onto the kids' drawing of the Golden Gate Bridge] NOW it's a bridge.
Joey Krenshaw: It's basic physics.
Kindergarten Teacher: They're only six years old.
Harold Krenshaw: They're not gonna learn any younger. That's what my Uncle Ronnie always says.
Joey Krenshaw: [notices an unusual looking black object in the upper left corner] What's this? A bird? My God, it must be 20 feet long!
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah! It looks like Mothra! Remember that old movie? [Harold and Joey scream and snarl like the birds in the movie in question. The kids recoil, terrified]
Kindergarten Teacher: [nervously] You're on the school board?
Harold Krenshaw: Yeah. [Joey's cell phone rings]
Joey Krenshaw: Hello?
Dr. Levine: Mr. Krenshaw?
Joey Krenshaw: That's right.
Dr. Levine: This is Dr. Levine calling from Reno. You wanted me to call if there was a change in your uncle's condition. I'm afraid it doesn't look good. You might want to think about coming home to say goodbye.
Joey Krenshaw: How long does he have?
Dr. Levine: Five days, maybe a week. I'm sorry, sir.
Joey Krenshaw: Thank you, doctor. [He walks back over to Harold, who in this time has written all sorts of comments over the kids' poster] All right, kids, you've got your notes. Why don't you go back to school and try again? [Hands the poster over to them]
Harold Krenshaw: That was nice. Who was that [on the phone]?
Joey Krenshaw: Cousin, that was money calling, endorsement money. You ever heard of Neptune Energy Bars?
Harold Krenshaw: No.
Joey Krenshaw: Well, they've heard of you. They want to pay you $10,000 to be in their next commercial.
Harold Krenshaw: Really?
Joey Krenshaw: Yeah, they're on a tight schedule. They need to shoot tomorrow morning. You think you're up for it?
[Randy is reciting the burned out car's VIN to the Captain so he can enter it into a database search.]
Lt. Randall Disher: First letter, "T" as in "tsunami".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Tsunami"?
Lt. Randall Disher: Silent "T".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? No. "T" as in "Tom". Just say "Tom".
Lt. Randall Disher: What's the difference?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It doesn't... The "T" is silent.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's not completely silent. "T-sunami".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right. All right. Let's go.
Lt. Randall Disher: Second letter, "P" as in...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ..."P" as in "Paul".
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Too late. I typed it. "P".
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but the person reading the letters gets to say the word. That's how we do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's how who does it?
Lt. Randall Disher: Society. We live in a society.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, we do, Randy! Meanwhile, the "P" has been sitting on my screen for ten minutes!
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. "P" for "Pam". No! "Panavision". "Tsunami", "Panavision", next letter, "L".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "L".
Lt. Randall Disher: As in... No, we'll come back to that one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, we can't come back to it, Randy! [the phone rings; Stottlemeyer answers.] Whoever this is, thank you very much for calling.

Mr. Monk and the Wrong Man [6.8][edit]

[Stottlemeyer is rehearsing for a press conference]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, I come out. "The department deeply regrets, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. We are reviewing procedure to make sure mistakes-yak-yak-yak. Are there any questions?" [Randy pops a piece of gum into his mouth] Randy, the questions. [Randy picks up a set of notecards]
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. "Captain Stottlemeyer, Max Barton plans to sue the state for wrongful conviction. Do you have any comment?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Max Barton can sue whoever he wants to. However, we are not at liberty to comment on any pending litigation." How 'bout that?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's great. It's wonderful.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: [smiles] Yeah, I'm fine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. Keep going. [Randy picks up the next card]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Does the department plan to dispute the DNA evidence?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Nope. In fact, we have tested the evidence ourselves independently and we agree that the blood found at the crime scene does not belong to Mr. Barton." [Randy blows up a bubble and pops it] Hey!
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry. [flips to next card] Um, "Will you be reopening the case?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "We already have reopened the case, and, uh, as you know, there is no statute of limitations on murder, however we-" What the hell is going on?
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What wasn't you?
Lt. Randall Disher: This screw-up! It wasn't me! It's always me. I can't believe it's not me. It's not me. This wasn't me! I wasn't even on the force back then!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You understand that this wasn't a traffic violation? An innocent man spent fourteen years of his life in a state penitentiary and the son-of-a-bitch that murdered those poor people is still out there.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. I know. But it wasn't me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're right, Randy, it wasn't you. [Stottlemeyer sits down at his desk] It was Adrian Monk's case. I just talked to Natalie. Monk is devastated. [sighs] Can't blame him. Can you imagine? The guilt? The pain? I mean, Adrian Monk had this much confidence to begin with. This will probably kill him. What do you got to say to that?
Lt. Randall Disher: It wasn't me?

Mr. Monk Is Up All Night [6.9][edit]

[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are heading to a scene; Randy is wearing Captain America pajamas]

Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Should we take my car or your invisible plane?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's Wonder Woman.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we can borrow it. Why don't you give her a call?

Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus [6.10][edit]

[Monk, Natalie and Julie are stuck in gridlock]
Adrian Monk: Oh, I hate Christmas.
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either, if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful!
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion. It doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks the horn and yells out the window] DAMN JOY!
[Monk confronts Michael Kenworthy on the roof for disrupting traffic]
Adrian Monk: Mr. Kringle, are you on drugs?!?
Adrian Monk: [referring to why Santa Claus did not leave fingerprints] He was wearing gloves! Santa Claus gloves!
Adrian Monk: [trying to tell his side of the story] I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie Teeger: I'm sure you can.
Dr. Charles Kroger: So, before Trudy, what was Christmas like for you?
Adrian Monk: Bleak... depressing... the pain was unrelenting, thank you for asking.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Uh... 1964.
Adrian Monk: 1964, good choice. 1964... Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was Dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement, he's no fool. That Christmas I got one present - a walkie talkie.
Dr. Charles Kroger: [being positive] Well, those can be fun. I had a pair of walkie talkies once...
Adrian Monk: Not a pair. One walkie talkie. Dad said I only needed one because I had no friends.
[Monk and Natalie notice Michael Kenworthy and Monk begins to give chase]
Adrian Monk: Call the Captain! Tell him to stop the orange truck!
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?!
Adrian Monk: I'm going after Santa Claus!
Natalie Teeger: [after him] No! Mr. Monk, no! Mr. Monk, are you sure?! I mean, a hundred thousand percent sure?! It's hard on me, too!
[Monk and Natalie are being interviewed by Brandy Barber after Monk takes down Michael Kenworthy]
Brandy Barber: The Star Of Bethlehem, a symbol of hope and peace to millions of people around the world, would have been lost to the world forever, had it not been for the courage of one man, former police detective Adrian Monk. Adrian? Brandy Barber, Channel 6 News.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, we remember.
Brandy Barber: How does it feel to be an American hero?
Adrian Monk: He's a... bad Santa. Very bad, bad, Santa. Bad, bad, bad Santa.

Mr. Monk Joins a Cult [6.11][edit]

[About Amanda Clark]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Adrian Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. Prostitute.
Randy: [holding the Siblings of the Sun book] Monk, have you even read this thing?
Monk: Have you?
[Dr Kroger enters to find Randy shirtless and singing the cult's song with Monk.]
Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy? [Randy looks up, then leaves] Somebody keep an eye on Randy?
Monk: [about Father] I love him. He taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: You used to say that about Trudy, Adrian. What do you think she'd say if she were here?
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did. You did great, Boss.
Monk: Oh, God! Did you stop that check?
Natalie: Yeah, I already called the bank.
Monk: We sure showed him.
Natalie: Yeah, we did.

Mr. Monk Goes to the Bank [6.12][edit]

[At the West Bay Trust bank, the wounded teller, Jasmine, is being wheeled out by paramedics]
Peter Crawley: Hang in there, okay? Don't worry about a thing. Take good care of that girl!
[Stottlemeyer enters the front door, and notices an officer standing there, eating]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, I'm sorry, I thought this was a crime scene. Take it outside. [The officer exits and Stottlemeyer passes the paramedics wheeling Jasmine out] How's the teller doing?
First Paramedic: Stabilized. Through and through. She's a lucky girl. [Stottlemeyer exhales a deep breath and walks over to the other employees, who are all standing together and shaken]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hello! I'm Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. How're you folks doing?
Leon Harrison: I could use a drink.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm sure you could. We'll try not to keep you too long.
Tiffany Preston: How's Jasmine?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Jasmine? Is that the teller? She's going to be fine. Whatever they're paying her, it ain't enough.
Gloria Morales: That's for sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [sighs] So I'm going to have to get a statement from each of you individually.
Madge: Now? Why aren't you out there trying to find that son-of-a-bitch?! [The other employees chime in]
Gloria Morales: She's right!
Peter Crawley: The bastard guy's crazy!
Tiffany Preston: He just shot her! How could he shoot her? She was giving him all the money!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, we're going to do the best we can, but it starts with you, OK? I'm going to need your help. [Stottlemeyer turns to Peter Crawley] You the manager?
Peter Crawley: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We'll start with you. Uh, can I use your office?
[Stottlemeyer is sitting at Crawley's desk interviewing the employees]
Peter Crawley: So, where do I start?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well the gunman came in at 9:05. Let's start at 9:04.
Peter Crawley: I just unlocked the door. I was flipping the 'open' sign when this guy pushed right past me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Can you describe him?
Peter Crawley: A white guy, large, he must have been six foot. [In a black-and-white flashback, Crawley flips the sign to 'open']
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmmm. What was he wearing? [As Crawley walks away from the door, a figure suddenly grabs him from behind and puts a pistol to his head]
Peter Crawley: A green hooded sweatshirt and a mask. He made me lock the door and pull the shades.
Madge: He had his gun pointed at Mr. Crawley the whole time, and he made us empty all the drawers. [With the hooded figure holding him at gunpoint, Crawley holds out a canvas bag. All of the tellers empty the money in their drawers and put it into the bag] I'll never forget his voice. He had an accent.
Leon Harrison: Definitely Russian. Very thick, just off the boat. He had a big bag, and we were filling it. I saw Jasmine reach for the silent alarm. He must have seen her. It all happened so fast. [All of the employees duck as the Russian suddenly spins and fires his pistol, the bullet hitting Jasmine in the arm]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Then what did you do?
Tiffany Preston: He made us all lie down on the floor, even Jasmine. She was still bleeding and crying. He had a drill and he was breaking open the deposit boxes. [Using a drill, the Russian breaks through the locks of several of the deposit boxes]
Gloria Morales: It seemed like forever, and I thought I was going to give birth right there. [The employees are sitting on the floor in the lobby as the Russian exits out the emergency exit] He told us not to move for five minutes, and then he left out the back. But we were too worried about Jasmine. As soon as he was gone, Mr. Crawley pulled the alarm.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. Thank you very much.
Gloria Morales: Is that it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [shifts in his chair] Yep. Unless you can think of something else. If we think of anything, we'll call you. [beat] Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
Gloria Morales: It's a boy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you! You got names picked out?
Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet. What's your name?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [aware that the nametag in front of him reads "Peter Crawley"] Uh, 'Leland'.
Gloria Morales: We haven't decided yet. [Gloria stands up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, uh, thank you very much. Thank you.
[Disher tries to question a Living Statue performer with no success]
Lt. Randall Disher: Excuse me. Lieutenant Disher, SFPD. You've got a pretty good view of the bank from here. We're investigating a robbery that took place earlier this morning. [the Living Statue doesn't hear him] Sir? [pause. Still no response] Sir, this is official police business. It will just take a minute. [takes out his badge and flashes it] If you're not too busy. [pause. Still no response] OK, I know you can hear me. Look, I just saw you blink. You blinked. [Randy tries to startle the performer in hope that he will react; the performer doesn't move a muscle] Oh I get it! [He waves a dollar bill in front of the performer, and then drops the bill into the performer's collection box] Normally, we don't pay for information! So, what time did you arrive at the park this morning, sir? [Still no response] OK, you know what, pal? I can get a crane here in 20 minutes, lift you up and drag you downtown.
[A beeper goes off, indicating the performer's break time. He unfreezes and steps off the pedestal, grabbing a water bottle]
Living Statue Performer: It's my break, man.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, thank you. That's more like it.
Living Statue Performer: [groans, exasperated] This is my job! I mean, how would you like it if I came to your office and [screams and waves his hand in front of Randy's face] in your face, huh?! [He yells in anger again] Was I here? Yes, I was here. I've been here all day. I'm here every morning. Even Sundays.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see anything unusual at around 9:00?
Living Statue: Yeah. I, I saw a guy. About 5' 10", green hoodie. He was hanging out, pacin' around. Looked kinda nervous, and then, he went inside.
Lt. Randall Disher: Good. Did you see his face?
Living Statue: He had his hood up. Sorry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. Hood up. And then what happened?
Living Statue: Oh, about 10 minutes later, the alarm went off. And I saw...
[his break alarm goes off, signalling the end of his break. He steps back up on his pedestal and freezes in place]
Lt. Randall Disher: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? [No response. Disher laughs for a second] No, no, no, no! No, no, no. Don't. Don't do that. [pause] Hey, we're not done here! What did you see?!
Lt. Randall Disher: ..I was just saying!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give it a rest.
Lt. Randall Disher: There must have been eighty bucks in that can! I mean, for three hours work, tax-free? The guy makes more money than I do, just doing nothing, standing there! I can do that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes you can.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm going to do it. After work, I'll do it part time. Pick up a couple of bucks. [He stretches and tries to find a comfortable pose to freeze on]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You're going to be a living statue.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good for you. But how are we supposed to know what job you're doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm painted silver. [He settles on a position with his hands in front of his waist and freezes] How hard can this be? [Natalie comes over to Stottlemeyer]
Natalie Teeger: Captain? Mr. Monk wants to show you something.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And where is Mr. Monk?
Natalie Teeger: In your office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I hate it when he does that. I told him not to go in there without me! [Stottlemeyer walks away]
Natalie Teeger: [clearly amused] I don't know why he gets so upset. It's not like he's going to mess up anything. [turns to Randy, and notices that Randy is frozen] Randy? What are you doing? [no response] Hello? Are you all right?
[She walks in a circle around him, but he is still frozen]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my gosh... [tickles Randy] tickle, tickle, tickle! All right...
[Natalie starts to walk away, then turns back and jumps off the floor and onto Randy as if to tackle him. He doesn't even budge a muscle!]
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna take these two pencils, and I'm gonna stick them up your nose. [inserts one in one nostril] Pencil number one. [inserts one in the other nostril] Pencil number two.
[Still no response from Randy, who now looks like a frozen walrus with pencil tusks]
Natalie Teeger: Our tax dollars at work. [walks away as another detective walks by]
Passing Detective: Lieutenant.
[Monk is sitting at Stottlemeyer's desk playing with a yoyo when Stottlemeyer comes in]
Adrian Monk: Oh, come in.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you just make yourself at home?
Adrian Monk: Natalie said you wouldn't mind.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie said it? What the hell- [notices the yoyo in Monk's hand] "These things happen, Leland. Take a breath." [takes the yoyo from Monk]
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [hands the remote to Stottlemeyer] You know how to work this? It's stuck.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. [presses play, playing a surveillance tape from the bank]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good. Have you seen this?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Only about twenty times. It's useless. Can't see anything, that plant's in the way.
Adrian Monk: Exactly! Leland, that's my bank! I know that lobby! That ficus tree has been sitting in the corner for ten years. It's never been moved, until today, this morning, before the gunman came in. Somebody moved it in front of the surveillance camera.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Before the robbery?
Adrian Monk: Also, the Russian went out the back door and the alarm didn't sound. So somebody disconnected it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that one, we caught.
Adrian Monk: And there is a gate out back at the end of the alley. It was unlocked. Somebody unlocked it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So the Russian's not alone. He's got an inside man.
Adrian Monk: If I can find the inside man, he'll lead me to the Russian, and the Russian leads me to Trudy's bracelet. [Stottlemeyer raises his eyebrows]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Trudy's bracelet? [leans back in his chair] I should've known.
Adrian Monk: So I've got to get into that bank. I've gotta-I've got to have a look around.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, Monk, you can't just go hang out at a bank. It's a place of business. People don't like it if you just go and 'hang out' in their office.
Adrian Monk: Maybe they need a security guard. [Stottlemeyer gives him a knowing look]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You know? After today, I bet they do. Looks like you're going to get to wear a badge again.
[Monk is sitting on the floor in a locked bank vault.]
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna die, right here.
Natalie Teeger: No, you are not!
Adrian Monk: You're right. [stands up and points] I'm gonna die over here. I call this spot. The rest of you can die over there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's it. Monk is no longer the morale officer.

Mr. Monk and the Three Julies [6.13][edit]

[Monk and Natalie are conversing while waiting for Stottlemeyer and Disher on the walkie-talkie. Monk locks the doors of Stottlemeyer's new Dodge Charger]
Natalie Teeger: Speaking of cars, guess where Julie is today?
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: Drivers' ed. She's taking her test tomorrow. Can you believe it? She wants me to get her a used car, but I don't know what to do.
Adrian Monk: Just say no. You obviously can't afford it.
Natalie Teeger: Have you ever tried saying "no" to a teenager?
Adrian Monk: How hard can it be?
Natalie Teeger: It's impossible! They're like a force of nature! It's like... walking into a hurricane! [These last few words are overlapped with a transmission over the walkie-talkie]
Police Dispatcher: [over radio] ....female Caucasian, Julie Teeger. [Monk stops wiping Stottlemeyer's car] Repeat, all units, possible 187. [Natalie immediately grabs Stottlemeyer's car radio]
Natalie Teeger: The victim's name! Repeat the victim's name!
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. [Natalie turns to Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Oh my God! What's a 187? [Monk stares at her] Mr. Monk, what's a 187?!
Adrian Monk: Homicide.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! [she grabs Stottlemeyer's car keys]
Adrian Monk: Wait a second! Natalie, wait! What are you doing?! Just call the Captain! Wait! Wait for the Captain! Just listen to me!
[Natalie jumps into Stottlemeyer's car, makes a U-turn, and speeds away]
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the scene of the first Julie Teeger murder just after Natalie finds the body]
Adrian Monk: Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: No it's not her! It's not Julie!
Adrian Monk: Thank god.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Another Julie Teeger? What are the odds of that? [He notices that his passenger mirror has broken off and is now attached to the car only by a few cables]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. [Stottlemeyer picks up the mirror to look at the cracked lens]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's only a mirror. It's just a mirror.
Natalie Teeger: Leland, I'm so sorry. I--I heard the name and I just thought that Julie could-[Stottlemeyer puts a hand on her shoulder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie. Any parent would've done the same thing. [Randy returns]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? Lt. Frank's inside. He's the primary. Uh, he was wondering, as long as we're here....
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. As long as we're here.
Natalie Teeger: I'm just going to meet you inside. I want to hear Julie's voice. [Stottlemeyer and Disher head towards the house]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I don't even use my side mirrors.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
[Natalie tries to use her cell phone to contact her Julie]
Natalie Teeger: It's me again. Please, I need to hear your voice! Call me when you get this! [She hangs up and she starts walking away when...]
Police Dispatcher: [on a uniformed cop's radio] ...tentative ID on the victim is Julie Teeger. [Natalie freezes up, and walks over to the officer]
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, could you repeat the name of the victim?
Police Dispatcher: Julie Teeger. That's "T" for "Thomas." Teeger.
First Uniform Cop: Unit 9, this has got to be a mix up. We're already at the Teeger scene, on Bow Street.
Police Dispatcher: I don't know what to tell you, buddy. I'm looking at her ID right now. "Julie Teeger". The picture matches. It's definitely her.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god! Oh my god! [Natalie rushes to Stottlemeyer's car. She is backing up just as Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are finishing up inside and are coming out of the house]
Adrian Monk: Natalie? Natalie?! [She roars off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell is her problem?!
[Monk, Stottlemeyer, and Disher arrive at the second Julie Teeger crime scene in a cruiser]
Natalie Teeger: It's not her! It's not her!
Adrian Monk: Another Julie Teeger?
Natalie Teeger: That's impossible!
Adrian Monk: Very nearly. [They start walking towards the body]
Natalie Teeger: But this one is totally different; it was an accident. She was a graduate student, she was on her bike, probably riding home, and some guy hit her and just kept on going.
Adrian Monk: But her name? Her name is definitely Julie Teeger, spelled the same?
Lt. Randall Disher: You know, actually, these things happen all the time. I once took this course in statistics. There was this woman in Michigan. She won the lottery. The next day, she got bit by a shark.
Adrian Monk: And what does that prove?
Lt. Randall Disher: [shrugs] I don't know. I ended up dropping the class.
[Stottlemeyer looks at the extensive body damage Natalie has inflicted to his new car - namely, a crumpled hood]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened? It was only two miles!
Natalie Teeger: I took a shortcut. I... cut across the creek. [beat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek!
Natalie Teeger: I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Yes, I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There's no bridge across the creek.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, I am sorry. I will pay for everything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's okay. It's insured. [tries to wipe a permanent scratch off the battered hood]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah remember, sir, that you did say any parent would have done the same thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [clearly sounding like he regrets ever telling this to Natalie] Uh-huh. I think I need to be alone.
Natalie Teeger: Here. [She bangs the hood down, but it doesn't fit. Randy takes her by the arm and leads her over to the body]
[Analyzing the second Julie Teeger's body, Monk notices something]
Adrian Monk: Hmmm.
Lt. Randall Disher: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Her bike. She has the all the safety features - flashers, two mirrors. She was obviously very careful.
Natalie Teeger: So?
Adrian Monk: So what was she doing on the wrong side of the road? [Monk pulls a flower petal wedged into the bike frame, and realizes that it comes from a bush in the grass a few feet away. Walking over there, he finds a set of tire tracks. Meanwhile, Randy looks at the tear in the victim's sweater]
Lt. Randall Disher: Monk? Check this out. [Monk comes back]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a bruise. It's square.
Adrian Monk: It's from a trailer hitch. [to Natalie and Stottlemeyer] Captain, he chased her across the park. He hit her. And then he backed up to finish her off.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He backed up?
Adrian Monk: He ran her over. This was no accident.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, two homicides, same name, on the same day.
Adrian Monk: Somebody is killing Julie Teegers?
Natalie Teeger: [shocked] Oh my God!
[Julie is with her driving instructor. She turns onto another street, blowing through a Stop sign]
Mr. Carlson: Oh my god. Miss Teeger, what are you doing?
Julie Teeger: Turning.
Mr. Carlson: I could've sworn we just passed a Stop sign, but uh, I must have been imagining things. Just pull over. [Julie pulls over]
Julie Teeger: Sorry. I didn't see it.
Mr. Carlson: I can understand that. They hid it so cleverly...on top of that big post. [beat] All right, Miss Teeger, let's be adventurous. Let's try a three point turn. Now what's the first thing you do?
Julie Teeger: Pray. [Carlson glares at her] I'm--I'm just kidding, that was a joke.
Mr. Carlson: You might want to save all of your prayers for your driving test tomorrow. OK, the three point turn. [Julie starts to pull into the street to make a three point turn] Hold it! [Julie stops] What did you forget? [pause] Your blinker.
Julie Teeger: Oh, it's not a big deal. There's nobody around.
[Two police cars immediately come speeding around the corner, lights on and sirens wailing]
Julie Teeger: OK, I'm using my blinker! My blinker's on! [One cruiser screeches to a stop in front of Julie's car. Natalie jumps out, rushes over to Julie's side and starts pounding on the window]
Natalie Teeger: Thank god! Julie!
Julie Teeger: [confused] Mom? [She rolls the window down partway. Natalie opens the door and leads Julie over to the cruiser, putting her in the backseat]
Natalie Teeger: You have to come with us right now!
Julie Teeger: What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry!
Julie Teeger: Oh my god! It was just a blinker!
Adrian Monk: How many Julie Teegers do you think there could be?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. We're checking the phone directories.
Adrian Monk: What about children? They wouldn't all be listed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's true. Check the schools - public and private - and birth records.
Detective: The whole country?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Start in California. Work your way up the coast.
Adrian Monk: What about women who are married, who change their names?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. Call Social Security.
Detective: OK. When do you want it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout now?
Detective: How about tonight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: How 'bout you get busy! [to Monk] Any ideas?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.... OK. Maybe a hit man was paid to kill Julie Teeger, but he doesn't know what she looks like.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And he's killing all of them? Monk, that doesn't track! The M.O.s are so different: the housewife was stabbed and the graduate student was run down!
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, you're right, that doesn't make any sense... [Disher comes in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain. Monk. I've got two ideas. Which do you want first?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one that will make me less pissed off. [Randy sets a file down on the desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Theory A. I remember this old case - Matthew Teeger, 35 years old. The guy's been committed twice for acute schizophrenia and delusions.
Adrian Monk: Any arrests?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, assault. Three years ago he attacked his stepfather. He said he was defending his mother. Apparently he's obsessed with her. Guess what her name is? [Stottlemeyer lifts up the page in question]
Adrian Monk: Julia Teeger.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A history of violence and a mother obsession.
Adrian Monk: I like it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I like it, too. Let's talk to this guy.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher leave the squad room]
Adrian Monk: [to Randy] What about the other idea? You said you had two?
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. It's a just a longshot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at the DVD in Randy's hand] The Terminator?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, just brainstorming, you know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What, you think he might be a robot assassin sent from the future?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. Well, he was killing women with the same name. Forget it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [with Schwarzenegger accent] "Sarah Connor, come with me if you want to live."
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, that was T-2.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe we could lure him to a smelting plant on the outskirts of town. [They get on the elevator]
Lt. Randall Disher: Can I have that back, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [still imitating] "And things of this nature..."
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Matthew's house in Stottlemeyer's banged-up car]
Lt. Randall Disher: What a dump.
Adrian Monk: But you can tell it used to be beautiful. How could something like this happen?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know; maybe Natalie drove it someplace.
[Monk walks upstairs to a bedroom in Matthew Teeger's house, and sees Julia sitting in a rocking chair with her back to him]
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Teeger? Julia? Don't be afraid. I'm with the police, ma'am. We think young Matthew may be involved in some things. Do you know where he is, ma'am? We just want to talk to him. [No answer] I... excuse me? Are-are you okay?
[He looks again, and sees the chair is rocking because of a breeze from the open window]
Adrian Monk: Are... are you dead?
[He picks up a hairbrush with a tissue and edges forward]
Adrian Monk: Please be alive... please be alive... please be alive... please don't be one of those skeleton ladies! [The camera pans back to reveal that indeed, she is a skeleton. Monk nudges the chair with the hairbrush. The figure pitches forward, and a glass eyeball plops to the floor]
Adrian Monk: Please be dead! Please be dead! [he drops the handkerchief, disgusted]
[Cuts to Monk in Dr. Kroger's office]
Adrian Monk: [grabbing a tissue] I just want to thank you again for seeing me on such short notice. Were you sleeping?
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, no, no, happy to do it.
Adrian Monk: Your wife wasn't too happy. I could hear her in the background.
Dr. Charles Kroger: No, Madeleine is fine. It's part of the job and she knows that.
Adrian Monk: Does she have tourette syndrome?
Dr. Charles Kroger: [thinking for a while] Yes! Yes she does. So, uh, a glass eyeball?
Adrian Monk: The mother died three months ago, the son never reported it.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Now, hang on, did the son kill the mother?
Adrian Monk: Well the doctors say no. It was a heart aneurysm. Her son, Matthew, is an amateur taxidermist. He stuffed her body, carried her from room to room, like nothing happened.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yeah, I've heard of cases like that. You see, he couldn't function without her. And they call it radical cognitive bonding.
Adrian Monk: At least I never dug Trudy up and had her stuffed and mounted, right?
Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, and I've always been very proud of you for that.
Natalie Teeger: Randy, I need to ask a favor...
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is yes.
Natalie Teeger: I need a gun.
Lt. Randall Disher: The answer is no.
[Randy has been disguised as Matthew Teeger's mother as part of a sting operation, with Monk, Stottlemeyer and a technician handling the operation from the back of a van]
Police Technician: Tape is rolling. [sneezes] Could you hand me a Kleenex? [Monk hands him one]
Adrian Monk: Kills 99.9% of all cold and flu viruses. Only 99.9. [A scratching noise is emitted over the wire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what are you doing?
[Cuts to upstairs. Randy is dressed in drag and a gray wig and sitting in a rocking chair, and is currently adjusting his bra]
Lt. Randall Disher: My bra's itching. How do they walk around in this stuff?
Police Technician: This is a new low.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Actually, it's not a new low. That's the sad part.
Lt. Randall Disher: [through his wire] He's never gonna buy this.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kroger thinks he will. Matthew Teeger has suffered a pure psychotic break, he's in complete denial. His mother never died, not to him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The important thing is that we keep him talking.
Lt. Randall Disher: What if he has a knife?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's right. We need a code, a phrase, in case he's in trouble.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, how about, "Mother of God, he has a knife!"?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No it has to be covert. It has to sound conversational, sound natural.
Adrian Monk: How about this: "I wish there were ten of them."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ten of what?
Adrian Monk: Of anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, you see, Monk. I don't think anyone would say that.
Lt. Randall Disher: I've heard people say that.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, here's the phrase: "Better late than never."
[Julie is trying to get Monk to let her take her driving test]
Julie Teeger: You were a child once, right?
Adrian Monk: Very briefly.

Mr. Monk Paints His Masterpiece [6.14][edit]

[Monk is painting in Natalie's living room, with all her furniture and stuff gone.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, where is my stuff?
Adrian Monk: Outside.
Natalie Teeger: Well, what if it rains?
Adrian Monk: Then your stuff will get wet. Art requires a little sacrifice.
Natalie Teeger: [notices that her curtains are missing as well] What? And my curtains?!
Adrian Monk: I need the light! Eastern light! C'est finis!
[Natalie is suspicious about Petya Lovak]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I've been doing a little research on your friend Petya. I Googled him. At least, I tried to, and there's no record of him anywhere.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, people like Petya--important people, wealthy people--they are un-Googleable.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it doesn't work like that. It's not like an unlisted phone number.
Adrian Monk: Un-Googleable! End of discussion.
[At one point, Randy turns and collides with some equipment]
Lt. Randall Disher: Whoa! BOOBY TRAP!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! RANDY! It's not a booby trap! It's a spider's web.
Bennie Wentworth: What's going on? Did you break this [bike]?
Lt. Randall Disher: Sorry.
Bennie Wentworth: You break it, you bought it. That's the rule.
Natalie Teeger: It's a junkyard! How do you know if something's broken?
Bennie Wentworth: I know. I can tell. Look. [picks up bicycle with a twisted wheel] This wheel is all bent! $40 bucks!
Lt. Randall Disher: $40 bucks. No way!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Bennie] Mr. Wentworth, this is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They're helping us out. I was wondering, could you go over the whole thing again, please?
Bennie Wentworth: Go over what? The guy was on my property, he tried to rip me off. He got what was coming to him, end of story! [back to Randy] I tell you what. Give me $20 bucks, we'll forget about the whole thing.
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm not paying for it!
Adrian Monk: What was he doing here? Mr. Wentworth, what do you think he was after?
Bennie Wentworth: [shrugs] I don't know. Maybe he needed a carburetor! People need carburetors.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing a $2,000 suit. And those are Italian shoes. I think he could afford a carburetor.
Bennie Wentworth: Maybe he stole the suit. That's possible, isn't it? Maybe he stole the shoes! Maybe he's on a spree.
Adrian Monk: The suit, the shoes, and a carburetor. What kind of spree is that?
Bennie Wentworth: [shrugs] I don't know. An eclectic spree?
Natalie Teeger: Do you have any enemies?
Bennie Wentworth: None that I can think of, except for this guy the bicycle thief [points at Randy accusingly]! 10 bucks?
Lt. Randall Disher: No!
Bennie Wentworth: Okay, five bucks, final offer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, give him five bucks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine.
[Randy hands Bennie a $5 bill]
Adrian Monk: I wonder what happened to his partner.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What partner?
Adrian Monk: It's a dirt road out there. Very little dust on his shoes. Somebody must have dropped him off. Maybe they took off when they heard the gunshot.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Secure the road. Tell the crime scene techs to check for tire tracks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir. [Randy starts to walk away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy! Your bike?
[Randy reluctantly picks up the broken bike and carries it with him]
[Natalie is carrying Monk's ugly portrait of her and about to throw it onto the burning pile of canvases]
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, what are you doing? Hey, HEY! What are you doing? [He wrestles Monk's ugly portrait from Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Randy, let go! Come on, let me burn it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [holds up his hand] It's evidence! Secret Service are on their way. It's the only painting we have left. It's going to be Exhibit A.
Natalie Teeger: Exhibit A?!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah! It's big news, Natalie! It's going to be one of the most famous paintings in the world!
Natalie Teeger: You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.
[Natalie puts her hands over her eyes to give herself "fresh eyes" to look at the painting. She turns away, and suddenly, she turns and runs back and tries to wrestle the painting from Randy's hand]
Natalie Teeger: OW! BURN IT! BURN IT!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grabs Natalie, and shouts to the other cops] Grab that painting!
Natalie Teeger: [shrieking] OWWW! BURN IT!

Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 1 [6.15][edit]

Monk's lawyer: Your Honor, my client is not a flight risk. For fourteen years he served the City of San Francisco honorably as a police officer. He still has friends in the department, some of whom are here today and prepared to testify on his behalf. I would also like to point out that, even if he wanted to flee, my client doesn't drive. He also has an obsessive fear of airplanes... and boats... and trucks... and trains.
Adrian Monk: I didn't shoot him. He was my only lead. I'd have to be crazy!
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, well, if "I'd have to be crazy" was a valid defense, we could rent our jails out for birthday parties.
Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
[Monk whispers to his lawyer]
Monk's lawyer: Uh... with the Court's permission, could you make it an even million?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God!
[From a payphone, Monk tells Stottlemeyer about how Rollins set him up]
Adrian Monk: He broke into my house before the shooting...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And raided your refrigerator?
Natalie Teeger: [makes a smoothie with a power drill. She puts lots of random items that one would not normally put into a smoothie into the blender. Then, under the excuse that her blender broke, she uses the power drill to blend together the ingredients. When completed, the result is a very repulsive looking liquid. She takes a sip] Just what I needed.
Lt. Randall Disher: [notices oil in the liquid] Is that oil?
Natalie Teeger: That is oil. It's uh, it's from the ground so it's organic, and it just... lubricates your organs. [puts down the glass and picks up the drill] Um, I'll just be washing up. I'll be right back. You can have it.
[She walks into the living room, and picks up Mitch's old uniform before going to the bathroom. Randy looks at the revolting smoothie for a few moments before taking a sip from it. The sound of the shower comes from the bathroom. It is revealed that Natalie is running the shower so as to cover up the sound of her drilling Monk's handcuffs off]
Natalie Teeger: Quiet! He's still in the kitchen. [takes the uniform out of the bag] It's Mitch's uniform. It's all that I had.
Adrian Monk: Oh no. I can't wear that.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he'd want you to.
Adrian Monk: No, it's all dusty.
Natalie Teeger: You were wearing a hobo's trench coat!
Adrian Monk: OK. [He prepares to put on the uniform]
Natalie Teeger: [gives Monk a wad of money] Here. Money.
Adrian Monk: Is this all you had?
Natalie Teeger: It's a week's paycheck! I was supposed to get a 5% increase in January...
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay, okay. We'll talk about that later. [Natalie hands Monk several wads of Kleenex]
Natalie Teeger: Here's some Kleenex. They're anti-viral. It's a sick world out there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, thank you.

Mr. Monk Is On The Run, Part 2 [6.16][edit]

Adrian Monk: Hey, thanks. Thanks for killing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, that's what friends are for.
[A mover is packing Monk's belongings up]
Mover: Was he a professor?
Natalie Teeger: No, a detective. An amazing detective. He could look at a room or a person and see things that nobody else could see.
Mover: Like the Car Wash guy.
Natalie Teeger: What "Car Wash guy"?
Mover: That guy in Nevada. I was just reading about him. [stops packing up belongings and picks up a newspaper] Here, in today's paper. They call him the Car Wash Columbo. Solved a big hit-and-run case single-handedly. [pauses] Boy, he sounds like a real character. Boss says that it takes him a whole hour to wipe down every car. He won't even use the same rag twice. [Natalie stops, realizing something]
Natalie Teeger: Can I see that? [she looks at the article] There's no picture.
Mover: I guess he's modest, too.
Natalie Teeger: [reading the article] "Leland Rodriguez". [puts down the paper, angered] His name is Leland?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5. [points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."] Male Caucasian. 5'11".
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: Well. I'll tell you what was strange: [stands up and walks around the desk to Stottlemeyer] You weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer. [Rollins leaves and Randy casts a suspicious glance at his Captain]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy! I was turning over rocks. [takes out a file] Trying to get a bead on that son-of-a-bitch. [Randy looks at the file; it is obviously a background check that Stottlemeyer has done on Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: He just bought a second house near Catalina-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this. [turns a few more pages and points to what seems to be a financial statement] He's got two offshore bank accounts. On a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy is dirty. I can smell it!
[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
Natalie Teeger: It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god! [Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?!?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [She calms down, but still glares hatefully at him] I am so sorry.
Natalie Teeger: You're sorry?!?! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Natalie Teeger: That's his name!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie!
Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
Natalie Teeger: From what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins: Rollins is working for somebody, may-maybe somebody in the Governor's office!
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it! I just need a little more time!
Natalie Teeger: I have to see him. [She starts to walk out, but Stottlemeyer grabs her arm]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, leave him alone. He's safe where he is. You have to promise me you're not going to do it. Promise me.
Natalie Teeger: I promise. [Cuts to Natalie hurriedly packing a suitcase]
[Rollins calls Biederbeck as he prepares to follow Natalie]
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Make me happy.
Sheriff John Rollins: She's on the move. Looks like a real road trip. She took her daughter to a neighbor's and packed a suitcase.
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Stay-with-her. She'll lead you right to him.
Sheriff John Rollins: What do I do when I find him?
Dale 'The Whale' Biederbeck: Do you really have to ask?
Sheriff John Rollins: No, sir. I do not.
Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses and does not appear to be ending anytime soon, cuts him off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's alive? He's alive.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lt. Randall Disher: I can't believe it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay? [Randy looks crestfallen]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, save it. It's a great song! He's gonna die one day.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.
[Monk is cleaning up the car wash for the night after the other workers leave him; Natalie arrives]
Adrian Monk: [trying to hide his face] Hola, senorita.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I know it's you. [she takes out a wipe and runs toward him]
Adrian Monk: What's with the wipe? Why do I need a wipe...?
[she hugs him and smothers his cheeks with kisses, then wipes them down]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, God! Why didn't you tell me?
Adrian Monk: To protect you. We thought Rollins might be watching you.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, that's ridiculous! Why would Rollins-
Sheriff John Rollins: [appears from behind them, pistol drawn] Adrian, don't move a muscle! Show me your hands! You too, Miss Teeger! Oh, you are knee-deep in it now, buddy!
Natalie Teeger: You're the one who's in trouble! We know all about how you framed Mr. Monk and switched the gun barrels! [Monk tries to shush her] If anybody is going to prison, it is you!
Adrian Monk: [dryly] Thanks for stopping by, Natalie.
Sheriff John Rollins: Let me tell you about the real world, Natalie: it's never about what happened. It's always, "can you prove what happened?" [to Monk] All right, Adrian, we've done this before. On the ground, face down.
[Monk starts to lie down, then yells and kicks an oil drum at Rollins. It rolls very *very* slowly, before coming to a stop a few inches short of Rollins's feet]
Sheriff John Rollins: What was that?
Adrian Monk: It was, uh... supposed to... supposed to go faster.
[He shuts off the power and then he and Natalie run]
Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Angel County Children's Center.
[Randy types this into the field of a business idenfication program on Stottlemeyer's computer. It doesn't find any matches.]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation. [Randy begins to type] No, "X".
[Randy presses enter. One match comes up in his results.]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] "Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group..." [more typing] which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... [more typing] Oh my God!
[Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.
[Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Randy] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit!
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting! [to his deputies] Arrest him! [The deputies grab Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'M A CAPTAIN WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT! Arrest him!
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him! [No one has paid attention to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!
[Stottlemeyer pulls the bomb out from under the Governor's car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the Bomb Squad!
Riverton Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
[After a few suspenseful moments, Stottlemeyer unscrews the detonator, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day. [They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here. [Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.
[An exonerated Monk visits Dale]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Dale.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Adrian Monk. Why am I not surprised?
Adrian Monk: I tried to call, but apparently your phone's been disconnected.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Yes, I should have done it years ago! Fewer distractions.
Adrian Monk: I see they took your bed, and your computer.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: They were cluttering up the room. You know me, Monk: I've always been a simple man of philosophic joys.
Adrian Monk: And they're making you eat in the cafeteria. That can't be good. At least you won't be alone. Your old pal Sheriff Rollins will be joining you. He's talking to the D.A right now, telling him everything - about how he hired Frank Nunn to plant that bomb and then killed Nunn and tried to frame me for it. You might want to save a seat for the Lieutenant Governor as well...
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?!
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found something in Frank Nunn's apartment. Some old letters. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold me?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Have a good life, Dale. [turns and walks away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk turns the corner, meets Natalie, and they walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes you are.

Season 7[edit]

Mr. Monk Buys a House [7.01][edit]

[first lines; Cassie Drake is on the phone with the niece of Joseph Moody, her patient]
Cassie Drake: So he started his new medication, and it's already made a big difference. [beat] Yeah, he's having a very good day. [she listens] Oh, you mean today? No-no, that's fine. Yeah, well I always say family's the best medicine. 40 minutes? [she checks her watch] Okay, we'll see you then. [she hangs up as she enters the living room, where Joseph is sitting in his wheelchair] Joseph, that was your niece. They're gonna be here any minute.
Joseph Moody: You know I had a new neighbor once, and his last name was Nabors. He had a crabapple tree out in the backyard-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, they'll be here soon. We don't have much time; I need you to remember what happened in 1968. You were talking about it this morning: the Hampton Street Depository.
Joseph Moody: Crabapple, right, but you couldn't eat the fruit. It was too-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, I need you to focus. You said it was your big, big, big, big secret. Remember, you said-
Joseph Moody: You know my first car was a DeSoto? Beautiful machine. It was as big as a boat.
Cassie Drake: [looks at her watch] Well Joseph, you had your chance. [she wheels him towards the foyer]
Joseph Moody: I can't find my hat. Gregory Peck always wore a hat. [Once Cassie has reached the foyer, she starts wheeling Joseph up the stairs] What was that movie Gregory Peck was in? There was Gregory Peck, and there was the hat. It was a gift from my neighbor, my other neighbor.
Cassie Drake: Uh-huh. That's fascinating.
Joseph Moody: And guess how tall she was? 5'10" in her bare feet. And boy did she know karate. Yes she did.
Cassie Drake: Nobody cares, Joseph. [Joseph realizes he's going upstairs]
Joseph Moody: Whoa-whoa, why are we going upstairs? I never go upstairs; it's way too dangerous!
Cassie Drake: Sorry, just can't take the risk.
Joseph Moody: What are you doing?! I've gotta get my hat!
Cassie Drake: You probably don't. You don't understand anything, do you, Joseph.
[At the top of the stairs, she stands Joseph up]
Joseph Moody: What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?! Wait a minute, where the hell is my hat?! Where-[She shoves him down the stairs, breaking his neck and killing him instantly]
[A woman is watching her daughter practice Chopin's Prelude in A Major. The doorbell rings]
Mother: Don't stop honey, you sound great. No slouching! [She answers the door, and two police officers come in. She sighs warily] What is it this time?
First Police Officer: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. We had another noise complaint.
Mother: You've gotta be kidding me! From who?
First Police Officer: He wouldn't give us his name. We figure it's the same guy.
[Cuts to Natalie looking out the window of Monk's apartment]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, they're leaving! [Monk, who is sulking in the living room, comes over to the window]
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally! Is she in handcuffs? [He immediately realizes he's been proven wrong]
Natalie Teeger: I don't see her.
Adrian Monk: What?! Why aren't they arresting her?! [He walks away and sighs in defeat] The justice system in this country is a joke! [he sits on his coffee table] Oh, God! There she goes again! Natalie, you've gotta make her stop! I can't stand it; I can't!
Natalie Teeger: I still don't hear it!
Adrian Monk: You don't hear that! Are you kidding me?! She was practicing all night! I couldn't sleep; I kept reaching for the phone to call....
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger. Yeah, I miss him too.
Adrian Monk: [mournfully] Actually, I left him two messages. I still can't believe it; a heart attack? I mean, I saw him the day before! He seemed fine! [Natalie strokes his shoulder reassuringly]
Natalie Teeger: We'll find a new therapist. Come on, there has to be someone out there!
Adrian Monk: No, there's never gonna be anybody else. The man saved my life. You didn't know me before I met Dr. Kroger. I-I was a little messed up. He wasn't just a therapist! He was..... he was Dr. Kroger.
Natalie Teeger: We'll keep looking! What about the one that my brother recommended? Dr. Beecham?
Adrian Monk: No! The chairs in his waiting room are too low.
Natalie Teeger: How about the man you saw yesterday? He seemed nice-
Adrian Monk: NATALIE, EYEPATCH! [Natalie recoils, startled] Oh come on, please, listen, you can hear that! It's even louder now!!
[He walks over and opens the window]
Adrian Monk: By all that's holy, GIVE US A BREAK!
[Monk is looking for an open case file while Randy quizzes Stottlemeyer for a maritime exam by reading questions from a practice booklet]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, here's one. "Before adding fuel to the primary tank..."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ....you turn the fuel selector switch to "reserve".
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct. [Sitting one desk over, Monk finds one file]
Adrian Monk: Here, here. What about this one? Here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, those are all closed. What do you want to do? You want to solve them again? [Monk sets the file down, obviously fatigued and tired] You okay?
Adrian Monk: Nah. I'm just tired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you go home?
Adrian Monk: I can't! Beethoven Junior is still at it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Come on. Give me another one.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, "safe water markers are usually"-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Green and red horizontal stripes. [Monk wanders back over to behind Randy's desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm buying a boat next week if my loan comes through. Randy's helping me study for the maritime exam.
Lt. Randall Disher: Here's one: What does this mean? Dot dot dash ["U"].
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Morse code. You can skip it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know Morse code?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My boys were both Boy Scouts.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yep. And I was an Eagle Scout! Oh hey, what am I saying? [starts tapping on the nameplate, as Monk grabs another case file]
Adrian Monk: All right, what about this one? Here, look. Joseph Moody? This one's still open.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, no, not anymore, actually. The M.E. just called on this. Uh, it's officially an accident. [He puts the file back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His private nurse found him yesterday. He was 89 years old. Fell down a flight of stairs. [Monk grabs the file again]
Adrian Monk: Stairs? Sounds suspicious.
Lt. Randall Disher: What's suspicious about it?
Adrian Monk: Are you kidding? Nine decades? Perfect health? The guy just up and dies? I think we should check it out!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you really that bored?
Adrian Monk: Yes I am.
Pamela Moody: I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. You're from Homicide?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, ma'am. Uh, our office has to sign off on the coroner's report. It's just a formality.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know this is a difficult time, Miss Moody. It will just take a couple of minutes. [Monk picks up a small card off the dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Real estate agents? You're selling the house?
Pamela Moody: We don't have a choice. There's no other family. Do you know someone who's interested? It's a beautiful house, and we're flexible on the price; we just wanna sell it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mmm-hmmm. Your uncle had a private nurse named Miss Drake?
Pamela Moody: That's right. We were lucky to find her. She was wonderful. [Monk is in the foyer]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Are these floors Douglas Fir?
Pamela Moody: I think so. [Randy looks at his notepad]
Lt. Randall Disher: I have her, uh, statement here. Uh, she said the accident occured at around 10:30?
Pamela Moody: That's correct. We were driving up to visit, and it must have happened just before we arrived. [Monk passes them and goes into the living room, where he looks at the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry. Does the fireplace work?
Pamela Moody: As far as I know, yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you work?
Adrian Monk: It's so clean.
Pamela Moody: I know. My uncle was very compulsive about all that stuff. Before his stroke he was always dusting and cleaning and, polishing everything.
Adrian Monk: Huh, polishing everything. [He goes into the next room. Stottlemeyer continues as if Monk hasn't said a thing]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: According to Miss Drake, your uncle was taking a new medication, Tribiteral? She said it made him disoriented. She said she went to the kitchen, when she came back, your uncle was upstairs on the landing?
Lt. Randall Disher: I-I thought he couldn't walk.
Pamela Moody: Well, he could walk some, short distances. Before she could reach him, he must have, lost his balance. [breaks down crying] They found him right there. His neck was broken.
[Stottlemeyer notes that Monk is planning on buying the house to get away from the piano girl]
Adrian Monk: Just one more question: do any of the neighbors play piano?
Pamela Moody: I don't know. The walls are so thick; you can't hear anything.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk? Come here. [He pulls Monk aside] You are tired. You're not thinking straight. You're between shrinks; you can't be making any big decisions right now.
Adrian Monk: You can't hear anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look, we all miss Dr. Kroger. Go home. Get some sleep. [scoffs] You can't just buy a house on some crazy impulse!
[Monk chuckles, then turns to Pamela Moody and says]
Adrian Monk: I'll take it.
[Monk and Natalie are in Dr. Neven Bell's waiting room]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me!
Adrian Monk: You would've said no.
Natalie Teeger: Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.
Adrian Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?
Natalie Teeger: He's a therapist! He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.
Adrian Monk: [glances at the analogue clock, which reads 10:59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving. [Natalie spots a certificate on the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N! It's a palindrome! That's a good sign!
Adrian Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Adrian Monk: It was to me!
[At the exact moment that the second hand reaches the top and the analogue clock says 11:00, Dr. Bell comes out of the office]
Dr. Neven Bell: Mr. Monk. [shakes hands with Monk] Neven Bell. I've been looking forward to this. [After releasing Monk's hand, Dr. Bell produces a wipe from a package of Wet Ones] Wipe. [Monk turns to Natalie, who gives a thumbs up of approval. Cuts to Monk sitting in Dr. Bell's office]
Dr. Neven Bell: Why haven't you been sleeping?
Adrian Monk: Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.
Dr. Neven Bell: Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. About a year ago.
Dr. Neven Bell: Hmmmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?
Adrian Monk: How did you know that?
Dr. Neven Bell: Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]
Dr. Neven Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.
[Monk unloads his problems on a clerk while buying fixtures at a hardware store]
Hardware Store Clerk: I'm sorry. I've gotta go, be someplace else. Good luck. [He leaves, and another handyman, "Honest" Jake Phillips, approaches Monk]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, congratulations. [Monk turns to look at Jake] Yeah I couldn't help overhearing. You bought yourself a house. It's a great feeling - pride of ownership.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: You know if you want, I can drill a few more holes into that for you.
Adrian Monk: Really?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it will just take a couple seconds. I'm the same way about my shower - very particular. My-my girlfriend says I'm "obsessive" about it.
Adrian Monk: I get that all the time.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Do ya? Here, let me give you this. [hands Monk a business card] Jake Phillips. Handyman. Answer to a homeowner's prayers right there. [Monk looks at the text underneath the telephone number]
Adrian Monk: "Honest Jake: No Job Too Small or Too Dirty."
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That's right, now hang onto that, 'cause you're moving into a new place, and if something's creaking or bulging or leaking or cracking, who ya gonna call? [pause; Jake continues in a whisper] Who ya gonna call?
Adrian Monk: Honest Jake.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [laughs] That's me! [moves on]
[Monk shows Natalie around the house. They come down the stairs and then head down the hall towards the ground bathroom]
Adrian Monk: And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. [Natalie laughs] That is a claw-footed bathtub, which is something I've always wanted.
Natalie Teeger: It is?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I just didn't know it. [Natalie runs her hand along the wall as they walk back towards the foyer]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I love all the woodwork!
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie Teeger: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, another wall, and we're back in the living room. [Natalie looks around the living room]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe it! You actually did it!
Adrian Monk: Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.
Natalie Teeger: Moving?
Adrian Monk: So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts stepping from side to side, almost like she is step-dancing by herself]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you mean like this?
Adrian Monk: Maybe wider circles.
Natalie Teeger: Okay I'm just going to stand over here. [She walks back to the foyer]
Adrian Monk: So, whaddaya think? [Monk sits down in the other room]
Natalie Teeger: I like it. I do! I think you're going to be really hap... [she trails off] You're going to be... [she trails off again]
Adrian Monk: Happy!
Natalie Teeger: Happy.
Adrian Monk: I already am. I should've done this years ago.
Natalie Teeger: And you don't miss your old apartment.
Adrian Monk: Why should I?
Natalie Teeger: Because Trudy was there! And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of "not the same".
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe I've matured. [beat; Natalie glares at him] I said maybe I've matured.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I was raised in an older house. There are going to be problems; there always are. And you can't just call the super! You know, you're it! You're-you're responsible!
Adrian Monk: That's what I love about it! I have never been responsible for anything. I want to be responsible.
Natalie Teeger: You do?
Adrian Monk: I want to be part of something. Something real. Something [pounds a fist into the dining room door frame] permanent. Natalie, I'm.... home. [Natalie laughs and joins him in the dining room]
Adrian Monk: I really appreciate this, I mean on such short notice.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Oh, I appreciate the business. [Jake sets down his stepladder and takes a look at the dining room lamp]
Adrian Monk: Well you see, it's... it's not quite centered.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Absolutely. Yeah that would drive anybody crazy. Let's take a look at this puppy, shall we? [Jake gets up on his ladder, takes a screwdriver out of his belt, and begins unscrewing the protective covering] This is going to be easy; a piece of cake; a little walk in the park here. You know what we're going to do? We're going to reattach its fixture to a parallel support beam. It's going to be good as new.
Adrian Monk: Oh I hope so. Be careful!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, ah, you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie, are ya? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous. [He hands a screw to Monk] Hold this. [Monk quickly grabs an evidence bag from a drawer and puts the screw in, then writes the word "SCREWS" on it, and puts the screws inside the bag] Got another one coming for you here. Ah, here we go. Head's up! [Jake hands Monk the other screw, and then removes the covering. He stops, and carefully scrutinizes the wiring]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.
Adrian Monk: Wha--wha-wha-What does it mean?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Well it means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're going to have to run a new line to here. We're going to have to go through that wall, feed it up over here-
Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's just going to be like taking out an appendix - a little incision, snip, snip, snip, pop over with the wire, and the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...
Adrian Monk: Is it going to be, you know, like [imitates the sound of a drill] messy?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Nah, no way. You won't even know I was here!
[Cuts to Jake viciously punching a large hole through the wall with his hammer, sending debris flying everywhere while Monk wears a face protector. After a few swings, Jake sets his hammer down]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? Uh, again uh-oh? [Jake shakes his head]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I do not like the look of this. All right, we've got a little problerino. It's what we call a "glitch".
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, okay.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: You see this pipe? [taps at the one in question with his hammer] Right there? That's your primary water line. It's corroded.
Adrian Monk: Of course it is.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Almost all the way through. Could burst any time. [turns to Monk] I thought-I thought that you got this place inspected!
Adrian Monk: I did! I did!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [exasperated] What, was the guy blind in both eyes? All right, listen to me, Adrian, I've got to be honest with you, because I respect you very much: this whole section has to go...
Adrian Monk: Oh no!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [points] ...right here, which means this wall, that wall, and this half of the floor.
Adrian Monk: What about that half?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That's going to have to come up, too. But I know a great plumber. His name is Ramone. They call him "Honest Ramone".
Adrian Monk: Of course they do....
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie sitting on the stairs as Jake and Ramone continue destroying the wall]
[Monk and Natalie are sitting on the stairs as "Honest Jake" and "Honest Ramone" tear away at the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? [pause] Well you didn't really have a choice, I mean the pipes are corroded! [more shrapnel goes flying] Oh, gosh! You know what, I've been through lots of renovations; they're always like this. I can tell you some real stories! [A large portion of wall comes down]
Adrian Monk: Well please, don't. [Ramone says something to Jake in the other room in Spanish]
Natalie Teeger: Do you wanna stay at my place?
Adrian Monk: I can't. They're almost done. [The sounds of Jake's and Ramone's tools stop]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
"Honest" Ramone: No good, huh? [Jake steps around the broken wall]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yep.
"Honest" Ramone: What?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [points to some exposed wires] Gotta find out what these are, too. They probably go up over there. [Monk and Natalie follow Jake's gaze]
"Honest" Ramone: On the other side, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, the other side. Go on. [Ramone drops his hammer and picks up an electric mini saw]
"Honest" Ramone: Here no cut, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, go ahead.
"Honest" Ramone: No problem. [He goes into the living room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [to Monk and Natalie] Excuse us.
"Honest" Ramone: Right through here, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, just-just watch the molding! [Ramone puts his saw against the wall and begins drilling, and Jake casts a look of impatience to Monk and Natalie. Monk and Natalie duck to avoid being pierced by the blade. As Monk is trying to scrunch up, he spots a tire track on the stairs. Meanwhile, Ramone finishes cutting, and a small block of wall falls out, creating a peephole]
"Honest" Ramone: Hey Jake, can you see me? [laughs]
Adrian Monk: [to Natalie] Stand up. [He looks at the tire track, then at the two stairs above that step. He follows the marks up the stairs and locates a very tiny rip in the wallpaper]
[Monk has found evidence that proves that Cassie Drake killed Joseph Moody]
"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?
Natalie Teeger: No, he's the best detective in the world.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?
[Jake comes out of the other room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]
Adrian Monk: This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Who?
Adrian Monk: The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up [the stairs] to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? [impressed] Fantastic!
Adrian Monk: And this. [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
Adrian Monk: She lied about it. There must be a reason.
[Cassie Drake brings groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey Cassie. [Cassie is momentarily startled to see Jake sitting in an armchair, but casts a sigh of relief. She sets her grocery bag down on the floor]
Cassie Drake: Jake! You scared me to death!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Got your work on the night shift again, huh?
Cassie Drake: Yeah.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: That sucks; throws off the whole internal clock. Gets it all out of whack, huh. [Cassie sets her keys down on the kitchen counter]
Cassie Drake: How did you get in?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Sliding door. It's broken.
Cassie Drake: No it's not.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: No. It is.
Cassie Drake: [nervously] So, how's it going? When am I gonna see my share?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [sighs] See, buttercup....that's why I'm here. We--we ran into a little... bump in the road today. Guess who bought the house? [Cassie stares at him] Adrian Monk. [beat]
Cassie Drake: [shrugs] I don't know him.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: He's on to you, Cassie. [Cassie puts her hands up in a defensive position]
Cassie Drake: Jake, it wasn't my fault. I didn't wanna kill him! [Jake starts to rise from his chair and grabs something from his toolbelt]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know.
Cassie Drake: He would've told everybody! I really didn't have a choice!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: I know. [He stabs and kills her]
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house]
Lt. Randall Disher: So how's the new house? [They leave the street and walk through the front facade]
Adrian Monk: I don't want to talk about it; I don't wanna think about it. Every 20 minutes it's something else, something's rusted or corroded, falling apart or about to fall apart.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well I can't wait to see it.
Adrian Monk: It's like a nightmare, except for the part where you wake up and it's all over. Why didn't you warn me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I tried to. I think we all did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you...tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house? [Randy knocks on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will. I promise. [They wait, but no one responds to Randy's knocking. Stottlemeyer gestures to Randy to try again] Go ahead.
Lt. Randall Disher: [knocks again] Hello? [Once again, there is no response. He taps very lightly on the door. Stottlemeyer chuckles, realizing that Randy is sending him a message in Morse code. Monk merely scorches a look of confusion at him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, did you ever hear the one about the...? [taps his knuckles against the door, giving a reply to Randy's initial message. Natalie appears amused by what they are tapping]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. [Stottlemeyer and Disher glance at her] My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah right. [As he says that, Stottlemeyer knocks another message on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake! [He pulls on the door, which moves a few inches. He pulls open the door a little bit. They see that the house has been ransacked, and also see Cassie Drake's body on the floor]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! [Natalie instinctively flinches while Stottlemeyer and Disher head into the house. Monk follows them, putting up his hands as he begins his "Zen Sherlock Holmes" thing]
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Phone it in!
Lt. Randall Disher: Stay there!
[Cuts to the medical examiner's van double parking next to two police cars parked in front of the patio, where an officer is stretching out crime scene tape. Inside, CSI techs take photos of the body as Monk and Natalie stand by. Stottlemeyer steps over the body]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still no murder weapon. Doc says knitting needle. [He squats next to Monk near the armchair that Jake sat in while waiting for Cassie] Whaddaya think? He was tossing the place, she walked in on him?
Adrian Monk: I-I don't think so. Look at the drawers. They were pulled out and flipped over, but everything's just piled up. He didn't really rifle through it. He was here for her. [Disher comes out of another room carrying an evidence bag with an envelope full of money]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain? Check this out. I found this in her closet. [holds the envelope up] Four grand, maybe more, all $20s and $50s.
Natalie Teeger: Geez, I should've gone to nursing school. [Monk examines the bills closely, thumbing them with his tweezers]
Adrian Monk: 1967, 1966.... [pause] These are 40 years old. Some of the serial numbers are sequential.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll call Treasury. Maybe they can trace it. Wanna come?
Adrian Monk: I can't. I should go home; see if it's still there.
[Monk is cleaning up as Jake and Ramone continue destroying his house]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. M! Are you ready for some good news?
Adrian Monk: Yes, please! Thank you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Ramone is getting married! His old lady said yes! [to Ramone] Ramone! [Ramone, who is cutting down a wall, gives them a thumbs up]
Natalie Teeger: Wha-what about the house?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, you know what, I'm glad you mention that. [back to Ramone] Ramone. Ramone! RAMONE! Sieste! ["Stop!"] We found some mold.
Adrian Monk: Mold?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Granted, it probably started in the bathroom, and spread from there. So what we've gotta do is we've gotta go in, and we've gotta get the mold out.
Adrian Monk: No-no-no-no-no. Please, Honest Jake, I am begging you.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Okay, okay, that's fine. If you're, you know, okay with the, uh, spores. The fungus. The bacteria. Living, spreading, eating your house from the inside-out, uh, it's your decision. It's your house. I'll go put this back.
["Honest Jake" is using his incredibly loud jackhammer; Natalie is shouting over the noise]
Natalie Teeger: JUST REMIND ME, WHY DID YOU MOVE AGAIN? OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! THE LAST PLACE WAS TOO NOISY!
[Ramone comes in carrying a box]
"Honest" Ramone: Here, I found this in the attic! Where do you want it?
Natalie Teeger: Just leave it here! [Monk and Natalie find a scrapbook and start thumbing through the pages of old news articles] "Fire Hydrants to be Painted." Look at this: "More Rain Expected." "Thursday, Garden Club to Meet." So boring! Why would you save all this?
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe..... [Jake stops his jackhammer] I have no idea.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to a worker at the Hampton Street Depository]
Mr. Sutton: It was before my time, but my father told me all about it. He was in his office right up there when it happened. 1968, the day before Christmas.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I was just a kid, but I remember everybody talking about it. Is that the gate?
Mr. Sutton: Yes, sir. Three gunmen stole a milk truck, rammed it through that gate. They shot two guards and walked away with over $4 million.
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] This was back when $4 million was considered a lot of money.
Mr. Sutton: All I know is, we never recovered a nickel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until today. [They produce an evidence bag with the recovered money]
Mr. Sutton: From the robbery?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep. Serial numbers match; we've got $4,200 there.
Lt. Randall Disher: A woman named Cassie Drake was murdered last night. We found this in her closet.
Mr. Sutton: Where's the rest of it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're working on that. I was rereading the file. They caught two of the three, career bad guys. They died in prison without ever ratting out their partner.
Mr. Sutton: I guess he wasn't a big spender.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or he was scared and dead. [The depository worker merely gives a blank stare]
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, the woman who died, she was a private nurse. Her last patient was a man named Joseph Moody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell?
[Monk and Natalie notice the awl on "Honest" Jake's toolbelt, and on close examination, realize that it is the murder weapon. They turn around and see Jake pointing a pistol at them]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Mr. Monk, I've got a confession to make: they really don't call me "Honest Jake".
[They put their hands over their head]
[Monk and Natalie have been shackled by their legs to the claw-footed bathtub, and are trying to undo the restraints]
Natalie Teeger: You're not gonna believe this. He's still not the worst contractor I've ever seen.
Adrian Monk: Can you reach that hammer? [points to a spare hammer on Jake's toolbelt]
Natalie Teeger: I'll try. [She barely manages to stretch as far as she can to grab the hammer, which she hands to Monk]
Adrian Monk: Pull. [Still weighed down by the tub, Monk and Natalie crawl down the hall, dragging the tub with them. Monk takes the hammer, and pounds in a protruding nail, accidentally making a very small hole in the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Now what?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. That nail was driving me crazy.
[They stop to catch their breath]
Natalie Teeger: Oh God!
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: [points] He still hasn't fixed that light!
[Monk looks up at the off-centered lamp, then at the inside of the small hole he made while pounding the nail in, and he notices something very shocking]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God. [he backs away] Oh my.... God!
[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? Whaddaya see, hmm? [Monk and Natalie stammer] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see, huh?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is not wooden lattice work] Something there? [he realizes what it is] It's a false wall! There's a reason that light wasn't centered: because this is a false wall! [to Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. Move the furniture! [They move a table aside]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake?
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: It's in here! Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake! Jake! Whaddaya wanna do with your share of the money?
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He promptly shoots Ramone. Monk and Natalie flinch as Ramone's lifeless body drops to the floor. Jake reholsters his gun and continues hacking away the false wall]
Adrian Monk: This way. [He and Natalie crawl into the corridor behind the false wall. Just as Jake finishes removing the drywall, revealing numerous bundles of untouched and preserved depository money, Monk and Natalie kick the wall, and it starts to give way. Jake tries to run, but the wall falls on top of him and knocks him out]
Natalie Teeger: Is he dead? [to Jake] Are you dead?!
Adrian Monk: No, he's not dead! He's still breathing. He's gonna wake up any second now.
Natalie Teeger: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP US!!
Adrian Monk: Forget it, it's no use! Nobody's gonna hear you! [He still remembers what Joseph's niece said about the soundproof walls]
[Monk and Natalie have crawled across the living room to the fireplace, and Monk has handed Natalie some rags]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: I'm calling for help. [She puts the rags into the fireplace and ignites them with a lighter] Come on-come on-come on-come on! [Cuts to the Hampton Street Depository, where Stottlemeyer and Disher are waiting by their car, when the depository worker comes back]
Mr. Sutton: You were right! Joseph Moody, worked here for nine years. Retired six weeks after the robbery.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a surprise.
Mr. Sutton: Actually he lived right around the corner on Beach Street. [points at it]
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah we know a friend of ours who just bought that house.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell?
[Camera angle changes to show that there are smoke signals coming out of the chimney]
Lt. Randall Disher: Looks like a signal. [Stottlemeyer starts to interpret the frequency of the smoke's release (which concur with Natalie opening and closing the flue) in Morse code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Dot, dot. Dot.
Lt. Randall Disher: "S".
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is-is that a dash?
Lt. Randall Disher: S-O. So.... Soda. Somebody's selling soda.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's Natalie! She's in trouble! [They jump in their car and speed off]
[Natalie is emitting smoke signals to summon the police]
Natalie Teeger: Come on!
[Suddenly, Jake, his face bloodied, frees himself from under the wall. He staggers across the foyer and points his gun at Monk and Natalie, who recoil]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: If you like my work, tell your friends. All about where to mouth my business. And on second thought, I'm gonna retire. [He raises his gun and steadies his aim, and suddenly, Stottlemeyer and Disher burst in, their guns drawn, surprising Jake]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Drop the gun! [Jake complies] On the ground! Let me see your hands! [Jakes drops to the ground and Stottlemeyer jams the barrel of his gun into Jake's back as Disher hands him a set of handcuffs. Stottlemeyer then handcuffs Jake and hands him over to Disher, and they get him to his feet]
"Not-So-Honest" Jake Phillips: Good luck. [Disher walks Jake out of the house. Stottlemeyer looks at Monk and Natalie, who has collapsed into Monk's arms. He does a full 360 circle look, and finally turns back to Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.

Mr. Monk and the Genius [7.02][edit]

[first lines]
Adrian Monk: [writing a check] "Payable to... Natalie Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....ger."
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] My four favorite words. [Monk slowly tears the check out of his checkbook. He tears it out so slowly that Natalie is able to go to the kitchen, pour herself a cup of coffee and get back just as he pulls the check out and hands it to her] Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much. [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: Ummm, excuse me? Where's the rest of it? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: Oh. I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't "just hanging out". I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer! That was a work!
Adrian Monk: But, you said it was fun. I-I distinctly remember. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh," so...
Natalie Teeger: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me?! Is-is that the new rule?!
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to! I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie Teeger: [trying to direct Monk's hand to void her bad check] Yeah, so you just void it out! "VOID," Wr-write "VOID" right here, then you just write another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie! I can't do that, I wish I could. If it were up to me...
Natalie Teeger: Of course it's up to you!!
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie Teeger: What?! UGH!! My GOD!! [screams in frustration] GOD!!!!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short on cash right now! Okay? But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. I'll make up for it. You just keep track-
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I have been keeping track! It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk!
[Linda Kloster enters the room, a finger over her lip. Monk and Natalie stop and turn to face her]
Linda Kloster: I'm sorry. The door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.
Adrian Monk: Can I help you?
Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster, husband is Patrick Kloster.
Adrian Monk: Patrick Kloster? The chess master?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah I was just reading about him. He's like some kind of supergenius, like, off the charts.
Linda Kloster: Yes, well, Patrick has an IQ of 180, four points higher than Albert Einstein's.
Adrian Monk: Well what can I do for you?
Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband; he's gonna kill someone.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Linda Kloster: He talks about it. He talks about it all the time; he says he has a perfect plan and he's never gonna get caught.
Adrian Monk: Did he say who he's going to kill?
Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. [pause] He's gonna kill me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order! You issue 30 of them a day! No he hasn't hit her! [pause] Yes, she's still in the house. [pause] Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I know! [pause] Find, good, you do that. You sleep on it! Good! [slams the receiver down on the desk]
Adrian Monk: How did that go?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to the detective in the room] Look, forget about him. Just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie Teeger: What? You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies. [Disher walks in]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got a call.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lt. Randall Disher: You'd better put down the cup.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just put the cup down or finish it or drink half of it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it and I'll have to clean it up... Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts his coffee cup down on the desk, and Natalie sits down in one of Stottlemeyer's chairs] Linda Kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer promptly grabs his coffee cup and hurls it at the window, shattering it]
Natalie Teeger: What happened?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know. [Monk starts for the door]
Adrian Monk: Let's go.
Natalie Teeger: Wait, Mr. Monk-
Adrian Monk: Let's go! We've gotta get over there!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Let's go, Randy.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at the crime scene]
First Detective: Hey, the cavalry is here.
Adrian Monk: Can I have the room, please?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You heard the man. He wants the room. [The cops and detectives file out of Linda Kloster's bedroom, leaving the four alone] Thank you very much. [Monk looks around, examining the body. Natalie walks over to him]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes I can. [He stops after looking around for what seem like a few more minutes. He is baffled] What did the paramedics say?
Lt. Randall Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her... and he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay. There was no alarm. No one in the house; just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation. [Monk crouches by the body]
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lt. Randall Disher: No, the housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day: breakfast, lunch...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. [He turns, semi-addressing the body] I don't know.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher question Patrick Kloster at the airport security office]
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 PM to inform you that your wife had died?
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lt. Randall Disher: And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match?
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you'd been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she was. [turning to Stottlemeyer and Disher] What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, she didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger? My wife suffered from high blood pressure, and for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lt. Randall Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: Well the policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, but not much. Although I am an expert on the Poison Pawn.
Lt. Randall Disher: [starts to write in his notebook] "Poison pawn..."
Patrick Kloster: Uh, that is a chess move, Lt. Disher. I'd be happy to teach it to you.
[Monk tries to approach Eric Tavela, but finds that he doesn't have any $20 bills, so he turns to Natalie]
Adrian Monk: Do you have any $20s? I don't think I have $20s. [Natalie scrounges through her purse]
Natalie Teeger: I have eight dollars... and an IOU for $1,800 from my boss.
[Monk and Natalie are sitting in the car outside Patrick Kloster's house. Natalie is reading from a book]
Natalie Teeger: "....in chess, as in life, creative strategies, executed with daring and precision, will allow you to overwhelm your opponent, and achieve your goal. The end," and may I say, "Thank god." [She closes the book and Monk hands her another one]
Adrian Monk: Okay, keep reading. Here's the next one.
Natalie Teeger: [exasperated] Oh, Mr. Monk, come on! We've been reading his books all day! What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head! So we're... in each other's heads. [Natalie sighs and reluctantly opens the next book]
Natalie Teeger: "Chess Domination, by Patrick Kloster." Well this will be the opposite of fun. [flips to the dedication] "For my queen, Tatiana."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication. [Flipping another page, Natalie finds a check]
Natalie Teeger: Fine, sorry. What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie Teeger: But Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, you can pay your staff, and when I say "staff," I mean me. [beat]
Adrian Monk: She came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie Teeger: You--you made a promise to me, too.
Adrian Monk: [points to the car mirror] Shhh, there he is! [Patrick Kloster is approaching; Monk starts to buckle his seatbelt]
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, he's coming! What do we do? Uh, we should kiss! NO! I didn't say that! I wasn't thinking, I never said that! [Patrick comes up to the car]
[while Monk and Natalie are sitting outside Patrick Kloster's house, Patrick himself comes by and offers them water and lemonade, respectively]
Natalie Teeger: Well, you have to admit, he's pretty good. [takes a sip from her lemonade] What? He was right. I am thirsty. [Monk is looking at her oddly] What? [beat]
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie Teeger: Uhhh, I feel fine. [Monk is still looking at her oddly. She takes another sip] What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me: if there's poison in the lemonade, we could go to the DA and we'd have all the evidence we need. [Natalie promptly spits out her lemonade]
Natalie Teeger: "It just occurred" to you?! And you didn't say anything?! My gosh, Mr. Monk, I have never seen you like this! [She dumps the rest of her cup onto the pavement, disgusted]
Adrian Monk: How do you feel now?
Natalie Teeger: You know I hate to disappoint you, but I feel fine!
Adrian Monk: [offers his bottle of Summit Creek water] Try the water.
Natalie Teeger: Okay that's it. We're going home. [She starts the car and they start to drive away]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. Stop the car.
[starts opening his door]
Natalie Teeger: Wait! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just stop the car!
[Natalie finally stops, and Monk starts walking towards Patrick's house]
Natalie Teeger: Where are you going?
Adrian Monk: His garden.
Natalie Teeger: His garden?!
[To confront Monk privately, Stottlemeyer claims that there is a crooked sign]
Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Well why do you need me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, because I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.
[Monk needs to enter the chess tournament to confront Patrick Kloster.]
Julie Teeger: All right, wait here.
[She approaches Eric Tavela and begins talking to him, touching his jacket...]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie Teeger: She's... flirting.
Adrian Monk: Well, she's good at it...
Natalie Teeger: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's obviously done it before...
Natalie Teeger: Okay.

Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever [7.03][edit]

[Monk looks around the crime scene, bothered]
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here. [He examines the shattered window of Marissa Kessler's car] This is wrong. [He examines the body] This is very wrong. This is very, very-
Lt. Randall Disher: Wrong?
Adrian Monk: This was no random mugging. This was all about her. He was after her.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well he took her purse and some jewelry.
Adrian Monk: No he wanted us to think robbery. She was stabbed six times.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Two in the neck, four in the back.
Adrian Monk: Or...she was stabbed three times. Look at the pattern. Two, two, and two. [Stottlemeyer and Disher also crouch to examine the stab marks] Three times, with a pair of scissors.
Medical Examiner: Yes. That's possible.
Adrian Monk: Who brings scissors to a mugging? Scissors say what?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Spur of the moment, not planned.
Adrian Monk: Plus, the mud on her shoes. There's a mud puddle near the exit, but there's a light, right there.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If she was walking she would've seen that.
Adrian Monk: So she was running when she left the building. Whatever happened must have started inside. There was some kind of fight; he grabbed some scissors and chased her out here. [Stottlemeyer turns to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Find me the station manager. I want a list of every employee that was here last night. Make that every employee, period.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes sir. Any idea on a motive?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [drops his arms] I guess you could say there were 12 million people with a motive, myself included. This was the Lotto Girl. She broke my heart three times a week.
Adrian Monk: What is that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's what?
Adrian Monk: On her fingertips. Is that paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it looks like it. [to a forensic technician] Hey Gabby. Take a sample from her left fingers.
[Stottlemeyer notices Randy writing something down in his notebook]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's that? [Randy shows the page to him] "It looks like her number came up."
Lt. Randall Disher: It's a zinger. She's a lotto girl, her number came up. Get it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: You last year? Sergeant Beecham shoved that junkie into a lamppost and he said "I'll keep you posted?"
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah I heard about that.
Lt. Randall Disher: Everybody heard about it. People were repeating is; it was famous. This is even better. This is a classic.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: If you say so.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah I just need to pick the right moment. [The medical examiner walks over]
Medical Examiner: Captain, if you're ready to release the body, I can take her downtown.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK. [starts to sign the paperwork]
Medical Examiner: I still don't get it. Who would want to kill the lotto girl?
Officer Kelton: I guess her number came up!
[Randy throws his notebook at him.]
Officer Kelton: Hey! What are you doing?
Lt. Randall Disher: What are you doing?! That was my line, man!
Officer Kelton: What are you talking about?
Lt. Randall Disher I just said the same thing two seconds ago! Ask the Captain!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, this is a crime scene! For God's sakes. [Randy steps over Marissa Kessler's body to confront Kelton]
Lt. Randall Disher: You know what, he must have heard me! That's okay, look, it's written in my notebook: "It looks like her number came up." Let's see your notebook!
Officer Kelton: Look, I didn't write it down. I just thought of it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [disbelief] Whoa-whoa-whoa! Can you believe this guy? You know, I'm gonna have your badge, Officer... [Stottlemeyer grabs him and drags him away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on, Shecky, let's walk it off.
Stan Lawrence: [handing the employee list to Natalie] Excuse me, I'm Stan Lawrence. I'm the station manager; here's that list you wanted.
Natalie Teeger: Great, I'll make sure that they get it. How long did she work here?
Stan Lawrence: Not long, maybe three weeks. I still can't believe it. I should've put more lights up there.
Natalie Teeger: You can't blame yourself; it was at midnight, the parking lot was empty. More lights wouldn't have made a difference.
Stan Lawrence: Thank you, officer, that's very kind of you to say.
Natalie Teeger: Oh I'm not an officer. I work with Mr. Monk.
Stan Lawrence: Is that Adrian Monk? I've heard of him. He's a genius, right? And you're his partner?
Natalie Teeger: Partner / babysitter / assistant / babysitter!
[Natalie prepares for her first lottery drawing]
Billy Logan: Excuse me, new girl. New girl, you're off your mark.
Natalie Teeger: My mark?
Billy Logan: Yeah, the big X on the floor. Look where I'm pointing.
Stage Manager: 90 seconds!
Natalie Teeger: 90 seconds? Wait-wait, I never got a script! Excuse me, I never got a script!
Billy Logan: There is no script. This is the lottery. For the love of God, if there was a script, we'd all be rich! [to himself] Amateurs... [walks away]
[Stan Lawrence approaches Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Stan Lawrence: Captain, Lieutenant. How's the investigation going?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, we're just getting started. We've spoken to the staff, the camera crew; everybody said they left the building after the show.
Stan Lawrence: They usually do.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well somebody was here. The girl didn't stab herself.
Stan Lawrence: You wanted to know if Marissa received any fan mail. Some of them are very dicey, you know, personal. I put those on top.
Billy Logan: I need quiet everybody! New girl, you're on, in 5, 4, 3, 2....
[The theme music starts up]
Natalie Teeger: Good evening, people! Welcome to the Big Gold Rush Pick 6. I'm Natalie Teeger. Are you ready to play? [beat. Monk gestures with his finger, "get on with it!"] Then let's play the lottery! And the first number is... [long pause. Billy Logan gestures to the button on the drum]
Billy Logan: [hissing] Turn it on! [beat] Turn it on! [Natalie leans over, and presses the power button. She jumps, startled]
Natalie Teeger: My god! [The numbers are drawn] And the first number is.... 25. My mother's birthday. The next number.... 52. 52... cards in a deck! The next number.... 7. The Seven Dwarves!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [tearing up sheets of paper] Seven dwarves.
[The next ball comes out]
Natalie Teeger: The next number.... 32! 32 teeth. [clicks her teeth together]
[The number 10 is drawn]
Natalie Teeger: 10, my boss's absolute favorite number!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [annoyed] Aw crap!
Natalie Teeger: Apparently not everybody's favorite. [the last number ball comes out] And the final number is 17, my daughter's age! [grins and waves] Hi Julie! [beat] Once again the winning numbers for today are: 25, 52, 7, 32, 10, and 17. So, that's it for now! Keep playing lotto. [beat] You'll thank me later! [the music stops]
Adrian Monk: "You'll thank me later?" That's my line! I say that!
Lt. Randall Disher: It hurts, doesn't it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [tearing up some fan mail] You know, I might as well flush twenty bucks down the toilet once a week.
[As Monk and Natalie are walking, Natalie notices her image on a bus ad-wrap]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe that is me up there! I can't believe that this is really happening!
Adrian Monk: [not bothering to look] I can't believe it either. [Natalie steps forward and starts to try to clean a smudge off the cheek on her image on the bus] I hate to bring this up, but we've got work to do. Remember your predecessor Marissa Kessler? Murder victim? Multiple stab wounds? Does that ring a bell? [Natalie steps back]
Natalie Teeger: Sorry, sorry. [They continue walking down the street. The bus pulls away from the curb]
Adrian Monk: OK, Randy and the Captain are probably already there. It should be just around the corner. It's uh, number 24. [Natalie stops]
Natalie Teeger: 24. Twenty-four! 24!
Adrian Monk: Are you done?! [she stops]
Natalie Teeger: Okay, let's do this! What's the guy's name? No wait, who was he again? Her ex-boyfriend?
Adrian Monk: NO! No, the ex-boyfriend had an alibi! He checked out! Oh god.... that's right, you weren't at the meeting this morning.
Natalie Teeger: But I had to shop for a dress!
Adrian Monk: [laughs sarcastically] Uh-huh...
Natalie Teeger: I can't wear the same thing every show! I had to wear the same blouse three times last week! Three! [stops] Three. Three tres! Three... [Monk taps her on the shoulder]
Adrian Monk: Hello!
Natalie Teeger: Sorry! Just remind me!
Adrian Monk: Okay, his name is Malcolm O'Dwyer. He's some kind of....lottery fanatic. He wrote a bunch of fan letters to Marissa before she was killed. [As they approach a corner, a cab comes to a stop]
Cab Driver: Hey! I'm a big fan!
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Cab Driver: Not you! The lotto girl! "You'll thank me later!"
Natalie Teeger: That's not actually my line! Mr. Monk said it first! [The cabbie speeds off, as the driver of the car behind him is starting to honk at him]
Lt. Randall Disher: Where were you a week ago, Monday, sir?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Uh, a week ago Monday, that would be 4, 7, 23, 35, 44, 53.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, excuse me?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: I was here, like always, watching a drawing. Three prime numbers! I did not see that one coming.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you own a pair of scissors, Mr. O'Dwyer?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Of course I do. Who doesn't?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I see them, please? [Malcolm grabs his scissors and hands them to Stottlemeyer] How about some metallic paint?
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Paint?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah a shade called titanium black.
Malcolm O'Dwyer: Do you think I killed Marissa Kessler?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well you do have her picture up all over the wall.
[As Natalie is crossing the studio to her dressing table, she stumbles on some sound cables]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Do these cables have to be right here?!
Billy Logan: [doing work on the boom mike] Yes they do! Because they carry your voice from this microphone to that soundboard.
Natalie Teeger: Well can't you put them someplace else?! I almost broke my neck!
Billy Logan: "Almost" doesn't count.
Natalie Teeger: Fine. I'll do it! [She starts to move the cables. Billy comes over]
Billy Logan: What are you doing? Are you mental?! Put it down! Put it down!
Natalie Teeger: Let go! I'm taking care of it!
Billy Logan: Let go! Put it down! [Stan Lawrence comes over]
Stan Lawrence: Billy, what the hell are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: Stan, I can't work with this guy!
Billy Logan: What, YOU can't work with me?! Who do you think you are, lady?! I've been here for eight years, and you're just another untalented face!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! Calm down!
Natalie Teeger: Untalented, huh? The ratings keep going up every night! How do you explain that?!
Billy Logan: The ratings go up when the jackpot goes up! It has nothing to do with you, you moron!
Stan Lawrence: Billy! I've warned you before about your attitude! That's it. You're out of here! You're fired! Somebody call security! [Natalie turns around]
Natalie Teeger: No-no-no, don't fire him!
Billy Logan: See, look, I'm moving the cable! [Two security guards seize him] Stan, please! Don't do this!
Stan Lawrence: It's too late, Billy! [The two guards drag him towards the door]
Billy Logan: I'm sorry! I'm apologizing!
Stan Lawrence: Mr. Logan has been terminated. I don't want him back in the building! You make sure to get his security pass and keys. Get him out of here!
[Monk confides to Dr. Bell that Natalie's position as a lottery hostess is interfering with her other position as his assistant]
Dr. Neven Bell: Garfunkel?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm probably the biggest Garfunkel who ever lived. I mean, after all I've done for her! You know, I give her money almost every week!
Dr. Neven Bell: But doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: That's not the point, exactly.
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, Natalie is a human being, and all this attention can throw a person off-balance, especially if it comes suddenly and unexpectedly. You know, I--I once wrote a book on body language, and it [laughs] it spent all of three minutes on the bestseller list. Now I was very young and I'm sorry to say I became a--a bit of a diva. I didn't like myself very much.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so now you're on her side?
Dr. Neven Bell: The question is, why aren't you on her side? Why aren't you happy for her? Natalie's your friend! Maybe you're afraid....she doesn't need you any more. Maybe you're afraid of losing her.
Adrian Monk: Or maybe I just feel insulted!
Dr. Neven Bell: Insulted?
Adrian Monk: What I do is hard! I am out there, I am sweating out every clue! I am putting killers behind bars! What does she do?! What does she do?!
[He grabs the calendar on the desk, which has the date "July 16" on it]
Adrian Monk: "91! Number 91! 91! Number 91! 91! Number 9-" I mean, how hard is that?! You know, a talking monkey could do her job! It's embarrassing.
Dr. Neven Bell: Actually that's a 16. See, you're holding it upside down.
Adrian Monk: [looks at it] Oh, it's confusing. There's usually a little line under the 9.
Dr. Neven Bell: It goes under the '6'. The line goes under the '6'.
Adrian Monk: I'm pretty sure it's the '9'.
Dr. Neven Bell: It's no big deal. Look, I've seen it my whole life.
Adrian Monk: I've never seen it under the '6'.
Dr. Neven Bell: Well why don't we ask Natalie that? She's the expert.
Adrian Monk: Okay. OK. [puts the calendar down]
Dr. Neven Bell: But I see your point. About the monkey.
Adrian Monk: Look, all I'm trying to say is... it's not the same Natalie! If you knew her, you wouldn't know her! Last night after the show, she got somebody fired!
Dr. Neven Bell: Really?
Adrian Monk: One of the crew, sound guy! There were some wires on the floor, and she was just all like [leans back in his chair, curls his fingers, and snarls like a dinosaur] you know, complaining, and.... I mean, I met the guy when I was there! He was a nice kid. Now what's he gonna do? What's he gonna do? And.....
[Stottlemeyer looks out the window of the late Malcolm O'Dwyer's apartment, examining the body and the cops around it]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What a shame! Just a kid. At least he didn't hit anybody when he jumped.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure he jumped? [Stottlemeyer hands him the "suicide note"] "Tired of losing." Not much of a note.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Brevity, the soul of wit.
Adrian Monk: But he was a writer! Look at all these letters! No, there is something weird about this.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, look around you. That note's probably the least weird thing in this apartment. This is the birthplace of weird!
Adrian Monk: But why today? This guy was a lottery nut. Isn't tomorrow night the big jackpot?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [looks at his own lottery tickets] Yeah, he probably knew he'd never win, which makes him a whole lot smarter than me. [Monk picks up a contact lens case, and notices something] What have you got?
Adrian Monk: Contact lens case... with only one lens. [He accidentally gets some contact fluid on his hands] Fluid! It's fluid! I need a wipe. Give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't have a wipe.
Adrian Monk: Ju-just... give me a wipe.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where's Natalie? [Cuts to Natalie signing autographs downstairs]
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are examining Malcolm O'Dwyer's body while Natalie signs autographs a few feet away]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey Monk? Look at this.
Adrian Monk: [walks over] Hello.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the other lens. [pause] Looks like you were right: nobody jumps after putting in just one contact lens.
Adrian Monk: Do you want to put it in this evidence bag?
[He holds up the bag, which has a number 32 on it]
Adrian Monk: Bag number thirty-two. Hey! Thirrrrty-two! Thirty-two! Three-two! Thirtyyyyyyyy two! [Natalie walks over, face flushed with rage]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you mocking me?! In public?! I don't make fun of your job!
Adrian Monk: That's because I have a real job. I'm solving a homicide here.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I have a real job too. I am changing peoples' lives. I'm making them rich!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, you are not making them rich! You're not giving them financial advice. You're just reading little numbers off little white ping pong balls! And if it wasn't you, they'd just hire some other bim!
Natalie Teeger: Some other what?! "Bim" what?! [beat]
Adrian Monk: Bimportant person.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, do--do you think I'm a bimbo?! Hey look, I know what I do isn't the most bimportant job on the Earth, but what do I do for you?! Hand you wipes all day long?! Pick up your laundry?! You know, people admire me now, and I admit it, I am enjoying the attention! I guess I needed it!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, but I can't work like this! [gestures to himself and Stottlemeyer, and then to Natalie's fans over by the police line] So you're going to have to choose. [beat]
Natalie Teeger: [sighs] OK, then I guess I quit.
Adrian Monk: [relieved] Thank god! Well call the station manager, and tell him to find somebody else.
Natalie Teeger: No I quit you. I quit us.
[Monk's face turns to shock, and Natalie passes under the police tape and runs off, her fans following her]
[Monk is at his dining room table when Natalie walks in, looking upset]
Adrian Monk: [startled] Natalie!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go.
Adrian Monk: What happened? Are you OK?
Natalie Teeger: You haven't heard?
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: What time is it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at his watch] Five o'clock, one minute after.
Natalie Teeger: Turn on the news. [Monk walks over to his living room TV]
Adrian Monk: What channel?
Natalie Teeger: Any channel.
[Monk turns on the TV. The evening news is on]
KSFF Channel 13 Reporter: ...a major scandal involving the Gold Rush Lottery. As we told you this morning, there were two winners in last night's jackpot giveaway: Eugene Maddox, a truck driver from Rockaway Township, and Leland Stottlemeyer, a highly decorated officer with the San Francisco police. Now according to the rules, these two men would split the $212 million grand prize. [The broadcast cuts to footage of Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Eugene Maddox at a press conference on the lottery production set, with the latter two holding large cardboard mock cutouts of $106 million checks]
Reporter: Mr. Maddox, what do you do for a living?
Eugene Maddox: Yesterday I was unemployed. Today, I guess I'm retired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [laughs] That makes two of us, brother.
KSFF Channel 13 Reporter: [continuing] But in a stunning development this morning, the lottery commissioner suspended all payment to Captain Stottlemeyer, after it was revealed that Stottlemeyer has known and worked with Natalie Teeger, the newly hired lotto ball girl. There is a news conference-
[Monk turns off the TV]
Natalie Teeger: They said we cheated!
Adrian Monk: Why? Just because you know the captain? I mean, OK, it looks bad, but it's not impossible-
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not just that. They said they had proof - they checked the equipment, [and] there was something wrong with the machine. It was rigged!
Adrian Monk: Rigged? [beat]
Natalie Teeger: [sobbing] They said I'm going to jail!
Adrian Monk: OK.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sorry I said I quit! I'm sorry!
Adrian Monk: [sitting down on the couch arm next to Natalie] OK.
Natalie Teeger: You have to help me! [She awkwardly hugs Monk around his chest. He looks clearly uncomfortable]
[Billy Logan and Eugene Maddox have been arrested for murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: I'm glad you like numbers, Billy. You're going to be wearing some numbers on your shirt.
Billy Logan: Is that right?
Lt. Randall Disher: They won't be lottery numbers.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: 'Cause you're going to prison.
Billy Logan: I get it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Billy Logan: I will if you will.

Mr. Monk Takes a Punch [7.04][edit]

[Louie Flynn and Ray Regis arrive at the gym for Regis's morning workout]
Louie Flynn: All right, home sweet home! [Regis closes the door] Hey, new poster! [notices a poster that reads "Rematch of the Century: Ray "The Machine" Regis vs. Carlos Hiraldo; Bay Arena, San Francisco; August 2nd"] What do you think?
Ray Regis: He looks mad. Don't he?
Louie Flynn: Yeah, 'cause he knows you're going home with that championship belt! That's why he's mad! Come on, let's get started, then? Get the heart goin'. [Louie steps into the practice ring]
[Another guy, Eddie, staggers from the locker room, coughing]
Louie Flynn: Hey, Eddie! What the hell are you doing here? You--you been here all night?
Eddie: I must've fallen asleep back there.
Louie Flynn: Jesus. I hope to hell he didn't heave, 'cause I'm not cleaning it up!
Ray Regis: Hey, get him all fed. He's my good luck charm. [gets ready to hit his punching bag]
Eddie: I wasn't much luck five years ago.
Ray Regis: That's ancient history, Eddie. [taps the top of the bag] Here, man. [pulls a few bills out of his sweatshirt] Here's ten bucks. Why don't you go grab yourself some breakfast?
Louie Flynn: Something on a plate, not in a bottle.
Eddie: Thanks, champ. I'll put it on my tab.
Ray Regis: Well I ain't the champ yet.
Eddie: Yeah. Well you will be. And I wouldn't worry too much about that fight next week. [Eddie walks over to the punching bag] He'll be sucking canvas! I guarantee it. You've just gotta remember two things: lean in to him! Stay in his face! And number two..... [swings a punch at the bag. When the hand connects, the bag promptly explodes in a fireball]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher talk to Ray Regis and Louie after the first attempt on Ray's life]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found the detonator. It's called a temblor switch.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's what they use in airbags. It's motion-sensitive. It's actually pretty sophisticated.
Ray Regis: The bomb was meant for me.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir. Your schedule's well-known. You're always the first one here. The killer figured that you would be the one hitting that bag.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, Mr. Regis, er, Ray, Machine, do you have any enemies? Or have you received any threats lately?
Ray Regis: Not lately. Five years ago, when I lost the title, it seemed like everybody wanted my head.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that was a tough night. I thought you had him in the fifth.
Ray Regis: Yeah. It wasn't my night.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well it's a tough racket. I've done a little boxing myself. Uh, Light Middleweight.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When did you box?
Lt. Randall Disher: Remember the benefit for the Police Athlete League? Took Sergeant Mulroney in nine rounds. TKO left uppercut.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Stan Mulroney? He retired 12 years ago. We called him "Pops"!
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right. He was older than me. He was experienced. [to Regis] Wiley.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He had a cane.
Lt. Randall Disher: And he used it.
[A forensic technician comes up Stottlemeyer and Disher]
CSI Technician: Captain?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah? Anything?
CSI Technician: A whole lot of nothing. He wore gloves and slippers. This guy was a ghost. [shows an evidence bag containing what remains of the punching bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this the bag?
CSI Technician: What's left of it. [Stottlemeyer holds the evidence bag in front of his own face]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The thread.
CSI Technician: Sir?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When the killer put the bomb back in the bag, he sewed it up and he licked that thread. You see how it's all twisted up? There should be DNA all over that.
CSI Technician: I'll check it out. Can we, uh, start packing up?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, no, let's wait for Monk. He should be here in a minute.
Ray Regis: Adrian Monk, the detective? He's supposed to be the best.
Lt. Randall Disher: The best of the best. Kind of like a superhero.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [chuckles] He's good, but I wouldn't call him a "superhero".
[On cue, Monk enters, wearing a purple jogging suit and headband, and stands with his fists on his hips]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I guess I stand corrected.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are questioning Louie Flynn. Louie Flynn pours some coffee for Stottlemeyer]
Louie Flynn: Here you go.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [noticing the words "World's Greatest Dad!" written on the side] Hey, it's a nice mug.
Louie Flynn: Yeah. It's from my daughter. But that mug is a lie. I wasn't the world's greatest dad. She was the world's greatest daughter, you know. Rebecca? [sighs] She died five years ago.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, I'm sorry.
Louie Flynn: Yeah, well life goes on, and on, and on. [notices Monk filling out something on a clipboard and sitting by himself] Hey, where's your lady friend?
Adrian Monk: Oh, she's picking up her kid.
Lt. Randall Disher: Mr. Flynn, have you ever seen this man? [hands Louie a police bulletin with official mugshot pictures]
Louie Flynn: [shakes his head] Mmm-mmm. No. [returns the sheet to Randy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We found some DNA: Charles Bach.
Louie Flynn: Uh-huh.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bach?
Lt. Randall Disher: They call him "the Iceman".
Louie Flynn: Ooh, that doesn't sound good.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well actually, it suits him. He's a professional hitman.
Louie Flynn: Uh-huh.
Lt. Randall Disher: [sighs] The FBI thinks he's killed fourteen people.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that somebody with some very deep pockets has put a contract out on your boy. Now you said you and Ray don't have any enemies. Do you want to amend that statement?
Louie Flynn: No. Mmm-mmm. No. [walks behind his desk. Monk sees him tuck his crucifix under his shirt collar]
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you know the Marino family, Mr. Flynn? Frankie Marino?
Louie Flynn: [shrugs] Yeah, just from the newspapers.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well the Iceman used to work for him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You don't happen to owe Frank Marino or anybody on his crew any money, by any chance?
Louie Flynn: Hell, no! We are clean. Ray is the clean machine. [Stottlemeyer stands up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You might want to think about that, Lou, because this guy's not going to stop. He's a machine, too.
Lt. Randall Disher: We think he's going to try again, we're thinking Friday night.
Louie Flynn: You mean, during the fight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It would make sense. We cannot protect him in the ring.
Louie Flynn: [angrily] Are you telling me to cancel the fight?! Forget about it! We've been fighting five years for another shot at the title! Raymond's doing his job! Why the hell can't you do yours?! [Stottlemeyer drops his arms, exasperated]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, do you have anything?
Adrian Monk: [looking up from the form he is filling out] Mmm, no, I'm good.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What's this? [picks up the form] Come here a minute. [drags Monk out to the hallway] Uh, what is this?
Adrian Monk: Application.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're not going on welfare. If you go on welfare, I will shoot you.
Adrian Monk: Good. I'll get more money, won't I?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why? Because you're out of breath, your knees ache? [crumples up Monk's welfare application] So that's it, huh? After all these years, you're just gonna walk away and give up? What would Trudy say? No let me rephrase that: what is Trudy saying? [Stottlemeyer leaves. As Monk walks over and grabs his crumpled up form, he notices some photos of Ray Regis from the previous title fight and discovers something]
[Ray Regis is at a recording studio doing dubbing work for a commercial]
Ray Regis on commercial: [sitting in a chair in a luxurious house] When I'm in the ring, people expect me to sweat. But here at home, I'm supposed to be cool, and sophisticated. [a butler comes over and hands him a stick of deodorant on a tray] Thank you, Hobbs. [Three cue beeps are heard]
Ray Regis: "So I use Max Deodorant, to give BO the KO."
Commercial Producer: [sighs] You're still a little garbled. Let's try the last line again. [The commercial is rewound. Three cue beeps are heard]
Ray Regis: So I use Max Deodorant, to KO all my BO. [realizes he's goofed up] Ahh, sorry! Sorry! Sorry! [laughs] I'm not used to all these words! [mimes punching with his fists] Usually I let my hands do the talking!
[Monk walks in]
Ray Regis: Mr. M! What are you doing here?
Adrian Monk: Ray, we have to talk.
Commercial Producer: He's a little busy right now. This spot has to be on the air by September 1st.
Ray Regis: [gestures to the monitor] This is all Louie's idea. Except we should cash in now while we can.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. It's important. Can you give us a minute?
Commercial Producer: [sighs] OK, fine. I guess we need a break anyway. [Suddenly, angry shouting fills the room]
Ray Regis: [to the video manager] Hey, hey! I can't believe you're watching this again! [We see an earlier take of the commercial. The house's owner is shown shouting an angry rant at the camera while the camera crew tries to pull him away]
Commercial Producer: Ah, this is a busted take. We kept the camera rolling.
Adrian Monk: Who's that guy?
Ray Regis: Oh, he owns the house. That's his old lady [referring to a woman in a blue outfit in the background].
Commercial Producer: We forgot to tell him we were going to shoot there. He came home and went postal. Kept shouting, threatening everybody.
Ray Regis: I wouldn't want to go twelve rounds with that dude.
Commercial Producer: OK, playtime's over! We'll be back in ten. [The producer leaves the dubbing room. Monk sets down an envelope on the mike stand]
Ray Regis: What's this?
Adrian Monk: You threw the fight, Ray, five years ago. The title fight?
Ray Regis: [laughs] Come on, man. You hear stories all the time!
Adrian Monk: I had Natalie's daughter do some research for me on the worldwide Internet computer web. Don't worry, I didn't tell her what it was for.
[He shows a photo in which Louie Flynn can be seen watching a fight as a spectator]
Adrian Monk: See? There's Louie Flynn. See? [Monk produces another picture of Louie Flynn by himself] Here he is again. He's always wearing the same cross.
Ray Regis: Okay. See, his mother gave him that cross! Said it was blessed by the Pope.
Adrian Monk: Mmm-hmmm. He has a habit: he tucks it under his shirt whenever he's lying. [Monk produces a photo of Regis in the corner of the ring. Louie is on the right, and his crucifix is not visible] Here's the title fight. See, he's tucked it away, like he's ashamed of himself.
Ray Regis: That doesn't prove anything. Does it?
Adrian Monk: No. No. [produces a sheet of paper] But this does. This is from what they call a website. It's from a Swiss medical journal. Right after the title fight, Louie's daughter flew to Geneva to have a series of experimental operations. They cost over two million dollars. [gives a hard look at Regis] So where did he get all that money, Ray? Because your share of the purse wouldn't have covered it. [Regis looks at the sheet] You and Louie bet against yourselves, and then you threw the fight. Right? [beat]
Ray Regis: [solemnly] She was dying. This was her only chance. She was so young! [He sits down and takes his hat off]
Adrian Monk: The mob must have lost a fortune on that fight. If I could figure this out, it's possible that they did, too. And that's why they tried to kill you.
Ray Regis: [looks up at Monk] This is all my fault, what happened to Eddie. I was just hoping this Friday, if I won, that I'd prove something, at least to myself. [Monk shrugs] They won't let me fight, right? So my life is over.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not yet. I--I still haven't told anyone about this, not even Natalie. [Regis brightens]
Ray Regis: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I thought about it. You've been punishing yourself for five years. Maybe that's punishment enough. [Regis suddenly hugs him] Oh!
Ray Regis: Thank you, Mr. Monk. You're like an angel. [Monk acts like he's choking] If there's anything I can do for you.
Adrian Monk: [rasping] Well now that you mention it, there is something.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive to question Frankie Marino, head of the Marino crime family]
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're looking for Charles Bach.
Frankie Marino: Bach?
Lt. Randall Disher: The Iceman? He's been on your payroll for ten years?
Frankie Marino: Are you wearing a wire, Lieutenant?
[Randy sighs. He undoes his tie, then he opens his shirt and jacket. Lastly, he drops his pants]
Frankie Marino: [to Stottlemeyer] What about you?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope.
Frankie Marino: Okay, let's talk.
Lt. Randall Disher: Why did I just get undressed?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know, Randy. Everyone in this room is wondering the same thing.
[At one of the arena entrances, Monk is groaning, uncomfortably]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: No.
[A few feet away, Stottlemeyer and Disher are passing out mugshot pictures of the Iceman to a group of assembled officers and detectives]
Lt. Randall Disher: This guy's a contract killer. We think he might already be in the building.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's here because somebody wants Ray Regis dead by the end of the month.
Adrian Monk: At the end of the month? Why---why not tonight?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I asked myself the same question. I'm just telling you what I know. Keep your eyes open. If you see him, if you think you see him, do not be a cowboy and call it in. This guy's a pro, he's not going easily. Let's go.
[The police have just arrested Daniel MacGraw for attempted murder to protect his collection of stolen art]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: They're authentic. One was stolen nine years ago from a gallery in Madrid, and two are from a museum in Venice.
Adrian Monk: He was worried that someone would see the artwork on TV and recognize it. But he knew that if Ray Regis were dead, they would never run the ad.
Natalie Teeger: So he hired that terrible, terrible man.
[Daniel MacGraw is led past them in handcuffs]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, nice collection, Daniel! Too bad none of it's yours!
Lt. Randall Disher: You should have just kept it all in your basement.
Daniel MacGraw: It's fine art, Lieutenant. It's meant to be savored. I never imagined my bride would invite a TV crew into my house while I was out of the country.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you didn't tell her it was stolen?
Daniel MacGraw: [sarcastic] In hindsight, maybe that's something I should have mentioned.

Mr. Monk Is Underwater [7.05][edit]

Adrian Monk: Nobody's shaking hands, everybody's saluting! Maybe I should enlist.
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, please don't enlist! Don't even joke about it!
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: Because I love America!
Adrian Monk: [climbing into the submarine for the first time] I'm pretty sure he killed himself.
Natalie Teeger: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: I've been on board for fifteen seconds and I'm suicidal.
Adrian Monk: We're going down! I mean, we're going down more.
[Monk and Natalie are trapped in the ballast tank while Commander Whitaker attempts to drown them with a series of continuous dives]
Adrian Monk: Oh, God! Ocean in my shoes! I've got ocean in my shoes. The Pacific Ocean! Dr. Bell!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk! It's not going to do us any good if we both panic!
Adrian Monk: You're right, let's take it in turns. I'll go first. OH, GOD! NATALIE!
Natalie Teeger: What?!
Adrian Monk: I've got ocean... in my pants! [The camera pans down to show the water lapping above Monk's ankles]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I've been on these boats. These boats are so big, they don't even feel like boats. They're like islands. You've been on islands before, right? You like islands. It's like Hawaii. Think of it like that: We're going to Hawaii.
Adrian Monk: I believe you are the Devil.

Mr. Monk Falls in Love [7.06][edit]

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what we know: we're looking for a woman whose initials are LZ, maybe she's a dancer, she likes to travel or works with people who travel, and she was born between July 23rd and July 31st.
Lt. Randall Disher: [shaking his head] I can't think of anyone...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I thought maybe we'd use the computer for this one, Randy.
[Visiting a refugee center, Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher find Leyla Zlatavich]
Adrian Monk: She's beautiful.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, like Mother Theresa. Only hotter.
Natalie Teeger: Only hotter? You are going to get struck by lightning.
[Natalie is on the phone with Leyla Zlatavich while Monk is looking through photos from his and Trudy's wedding album]
Natalie Teeger: No, Leyla, it's no problem at all. All right, we'll see you soon. Bye.
[She hangs up]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't freak out. That was Leyla.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: She wants to talk to you about the case. She sounded....upset. She sounded scared, actually. I don't know; I think she might be innocent.
Adrian Monk: Of course she's innocent. That's what I've been saying! [Natalie sets the phone down]
Natalie Teeger: Well she's just up the street. She's going to be here in two minutes. [Monk closes his album and stands up]
Adrian Monk: Two minutes? She's coming here! Huh.
[Monk sets his album down. He clearly is blushing]
Adrian Monk: In two minutes, she's coming here. Hmm.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah you just said that. [She grins and nudges him] You're excited, I can tell.
Adrian Monk: Who's excited? I'm not excited. [Monk crosses the hall to the kitchen] You're the one who's excited! You obviously can't stop thinking about her! [He pulls out his silverware tray] I think you might be obsessed with this woman the way you keep talking about her!
Natalie Teeger: I'm not talking about her.....
Adrian Monk: Well you're listening about her! You can't deny that! [Monk empties all of his cutlery into the garbage can. The doorbell rings]
Natalie Teeger: [puts her hands on Monk's shoulders] Are you OK?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine! It's no big deal. She's.....just another client. [He sets his silverware tray down and goes with Natalie to greet Leyla at the door]
[Leyla shows up at Monk's apartment]
Leyla Zlatavich: Natalie. [turns to Monk] Afternoon, Mr. Monk. I'm very sorry to bother you at home.
Adrian Monk: A bother? It's no bother. [walks into the living room] It only bothers me that it bothers you because you think it...bothers me, which it doesn't, you know, bother me. [He readjusts the couch pillows]
Natalie Teeger: Would you like to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Yes, thank you.
Natalie Teeger: Not you!
Leyla Zlatavich: I feel so foolish. I didn't recognize you when we spoke yesterday at the refugee center. [sits down on the couch] You are the famous detective?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I was.... [sits down on the couch arm]
Leyla Zlatavich: Today, some policemen came. They brought me to the police station, they asked me a lot of questions. They think I'm a suspect. They think I killed a taxi driver! How can they think that? I don't understand!
Adrian Monk: Well, they only think that because of all the evidence against you. Some policemen have this "thing" about evidence.
Leyla Zlatavich: But I didn't kill anyone! I couldn't!
Adrian Monk: I--I know you couldn't. We--we believe you.
Leyla Zlatavich: [stands up] Mr. Monk, tell me what to do. I'd like to hire you, but I don't have much money.
Adrian Monk: Don't worry about money. We don't need money. [Natalie glares at Monk]
Leyla Zlatavich: So you'll help me?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Of course, I will help you!
Leyla Zlatavich: [smiles, relieved] You're an angel. Thank you so much. Maybe we can talk about the case tonight, over dinner?
Adrian Monk: [hesitantly] Tonight? Oh, OK.
Leyla Zlatavich: You have my address?
Adrian Monk: Tonight? OK. [he opens the door for her]
Leyla Zlatavich: Eight o'clock, okay? Thanks again. [She kisses Monk on his left cheek] I feel much better. [She leaves. Monk closes the door behind her]
Natalie Teeger: [holds out a wipe] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. [He pretends to dab at the spot on his cheek where Leyla kissed him]
Natalie Teeger: You didn't wipe it off!
Adrian Monk: Of course I did-
Natalie Teeger: You like her!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, she's a client!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's okay to like somebody. Trudy would want you to be happy!
Adrian Monk: I don't like anybody. [He returns the wipe to Natalie and walks to the kitchen]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you keep saying that, but then you act all flustered.
Adrian Monk: I'm not flustered! [notices his empty silverware tray] Where--where is my silverware?
Natalie Teeger: You threw it out.
Adrian Monk: [annoyed] Why would I do that?!
[He takes a look inside the garbage can]
Adrian Monk: OK, fine, maybe I am a little flustered. You know, I--I am just not used to being around attractive women! [He notices Natalie smirking] What? What?
Natalie Teeger: Nothing!
Adrian Monk: Oh, come on! Natalie! [Natalie laughs] You're not a girl, you're--you're Natalie! Natalie! Nat! You're Nat! Like 'Natalie'? [nudges Natalie in the shoulder] Right? [Natalie nudges him harder in his right arm]
[Monk and Leyla Zlatavich are at a Zemenian restaurant with hibachi type tables. As the man prepares their dinner in spectacular fashion, he catches a bit of it in his hat]
Adrian Monk: I didn't know there was a recipe with the word "hat" in it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [comes to Leyla's apartment with a search warrant, and upon entering, he notices that Monk is wearing only a bathrobe] Here's something I never thought I'd say out loud: Monk, where are your pants?

Mr. Monk's 100th Case [7.07][edit]

[An In Focus program is introduced]
Announcer: In Focus: an unfiltered look at the news, the people behind the news, and the stories behind the headlines. Reporting from San Francisco, James Novak.
James Novak: Good evening, and welcome to In Focus. He is a mass of contradictions. A man afflicted with a disorder so paralyzing that ten years ago, he was forced to resign from the San Francisco Police Department. [an image of Monk comes up on the monitor to the right and behind Novak] Since then, as a private consultant, he has solved an astonishing 99 cases. Cases that were considered 'unsolvable'.
[Novak stands up from his seat]
James Novak: Tonight on In Focus, we follow Adrian Monk, this modern day Sherlock Holmes, as he attempts a career milestone: solving his 100th case for the San Francisco PD. And what a case it is, perhaps the most challenging of his career. A vicious serial killer is on the loose, young women are being slaughtered, the town is terrorized. Can Adrian Monk find him and stop him before he kills again? Find out tonight on In Focus.
[The documentary begins]
James Novak: July 18. For Adrian Monk, the day began like any other: he would vaccum his entire apartment, then clean the vaccum, then vaccum again. He had no way of knowing that just four blocks away, the body of a young girl was being discovered, and that the San Francisco Police would soon be requesting his services for the 100th time.
[Disher tells Stottlemeyer about how Cassandre Rank, the first victim, was killed]
Lt. Randall Disher: Apparently, she comes in, checks her mail. [points towards the door] Creep's outside. He breaks the glass; he opens the door, he comes in; strangles her with this. [holds up evidence bag containing the rope used as the murder weapon and displays it prominently for the camera]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And when you're done with that, may I see it, please?
[Monk examines the first crime scene, and makes several discoveries]
Adrian Monk: Her lipstick?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, what about it?
Adrian Monk: It's on the cup. There's some on her lips. But it's not here; it's not in her purse. What happened to the lipstick?
Natalie Teeger: He took her lipstick?
[Cuts to Stottlemeyer and Disher in the Captain's office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I didn't tell the press about the missing lipstick. I always hold back on a couple of key details so down the road, if we do get a confession, we'll know if it's genuine.
Lt. Randall Disher: You do it a lot, but you don't always do it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I do. I always do it. I just don't always tell him.
[Back at the crime scene]
Adrian Monk: This was no random attack. He knew her, she knew him. Look, she comes home, she's checking her mail, she sees him through the door, she recognizes him, she's not afraid.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: She sets the cup down and lets him in.
Adrian Monk: He grabs her. Kills her, then he punches through the door to make it look like he had to break in. Look. [lifts up the sheet covering the body] The shards of glass from the door are on top of her body. They're all around her body, but....there's nothing underneath. [Natalie turns towards the camera]
Natalie Teeger: Pretty good, huh?
[In Barbara McFarland's apartment, the coroner's assistants put the sheet over the body]
Lt. Randall Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] Same M.O. - strangled from the front.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What about the door?
Lt. Randall Disher: No forced entry. He either talked his way in, or she knew him. [Natalie comes in from another room carrying a headshot of the victim]
Natalie Teeger: Well, another actress: some local theater and some commercials.
Adrian Monk: What about her lipstick?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Looks like he took it. [Randy starts writing on his notepad]
Lt. Randall Disher: "Lipstick Killer." "Lipstick Assassin." "Mr. Lipstick." I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
James Novak: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.
James Novak: Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: Natalie, do you have that picture?
[Monk and Natalie are driving along a busy road, with Natalie splitting her focus between the road in front of her and the cameraman riding in the backseat]
Natalie Teeger: There's been a breakthrough in the case, it's pretty exciting.
Adrian Monk: Don't look back! Why are you looking back?
Natalie Teeger: So it turns out both victims worked at the same restaurant. It's one of those themed restaurants; it's called the Morbid Cafe, and the Captain wants Mr. Monk to go talk to the manager.
Adrian Monk: Okay, could you just pull over? Please, I'm feeling nauseous.
Natalie Teeger: Did I mention he also doesn't like driving?
[cuts to Monk and Natalie stepping into a restaurant with horror movie decor, followed by Novak's camera crew]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God, people actually eat here?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, Julie comes here all the time, she loves it. See all these props? They're from old horror movies.
Adrian Monk: You should call the Board of Health. [A man wearing vampire makeup steps through one of the curtains]
Vampire Manager: [staying in character] Welcome! I have been expecting you! You are from the police department, is that correct?
Adrian Monk: That's right. I'm Adrian Monk and this is Natalie Teeger.
Vampire Manager: [taking Natalie's right hand] Oh Natalie? What a "delicious" name. [He kisses Natalie's right hand]
Adrian Monk: Why are you talking like that?
Vampire Manager: I don't know what you mean, but I see we go to the same tailor! [makes an "ooh" sound]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Gleckson, we'd like to talk to you about a woman named Cassandre Rank. I believe she used to work here.
Vampire Manager: Yeeessss, Cassandre Rank. She was a most delictable young girl. I remember drinking her blood; she had the most exquisite taste-
Natalie Teeger: She was killed two days ago. Somebody strangled her. [The manager breaks character]
Vampire Manager: What? Are-are you serious? Oh my God, you-you must have thought that, look-look you know that this is just a job, right? And this is not real blood; it's all makeup. Oh hell, and that stuff about drinking her blood? Oh crap-
Adrian Monk: When did she work here?
Vampire Manager: Uh, about a year ago. But she only worked her for about a month; 'cause she got a part in a play or something and then she split. Nobody stays here that long.
Natalie Teeger: There was another woman, a Barbara McFarland? She worked here too, didn't she?
Vampire Manager: [slipping back into character] Yeeeesssss! Barbara McFarland, she had a very delectible neck, I'm sure in fact-
Natalie Teeger: She was killed too.
Vampire Manager: [breaking character] Oh come on! Why can't you just say that? Now I look like a monster; a real monster; and I'm not! [stammers] Oh, oh, oh, yeah, I knew her. She was here for three months.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah did they know each other? Barbara and Cassandre?
Vampire Manager: I don't think so, I don't think they ever met. Cassandre left about a year before Barbara showed up, so-
Adrian Monk: All right, we're gonna need a list of your employees: everyone who worked here when they did.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [about Miranda Terhume, the third murder victim] Her lipstick was missing, so we were pretty sure it was the same guy.
Lt. Randall Disher: The Lipstick Assassin.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nobody's calling him that, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: I am.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, you're not. Now the third girl never worked at the restaurant, so the three girls had virtually nothing in common. The case was moving sideways on us.
Lt. Randall Disher: We didn't have any leads: who, or, where was Mr. Lipstick?
[beat]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you turn that off for a minute?
[Monk looks at the board containing all of the information on the three murder victims]
Natalie Teeger: [snaps her fingers to the cameraman] He has an idea, you can tell. You don't wanna miss this. Zoom in. [the camera zooms in] I love this part.
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie sitting on Monk's living room couch]
Adrian Monk: I noticed that all three pictures were taken by the same photographer.
[In the documentary, Monk points to the lower right corner of each victim's headshot, and the camera shows a watermark that reads "Douglas Thurman Photography"]
James Novak: There were ten other detectives in that room. You were the only one who noticed it.
Adrian Monk: Well I was standing closer to the board.
Natalie Teeger: Oh he's just being modest. Fifty cops could be locked in that room for a whole year and nobody would have noticed it.
Adrian Monk: [smiles] Maybe not a year. [Natalie laughs and playfully nudges him]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher are driving to Douglas Thurman's studio to execute a raid]
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you, uh, have the warrant?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What? You've gotta be kidding me! You just had it in your hand! Where is it? [Randy opens the glovebox, and the arrest warrant is behind one of Randy's CDs]
Lt. Randall Disher: Found it. It was right behind this CD. [shows it for the cameraman] I-I'm in a band; the Randy Disher Project; we do a sort of a jazz-fusion-punk, kind of a rap, kind of a folk-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, just give him the damn CD!
Lt. Randall Disher: You guys like music? You're gonna love this. [Randy takes the CD out of the case, and notices something] Whoa. Is that a scratch? You know what, I should probably put it in to see if it works. [He inserts the CD into the car's player, and his song "I Don't Need a Badge" begins to play]
Lt. Randall Disher: [mouthing along] I'm tired of sucking up..... [cuts to a SWAT team helmet camera POV as the team stands outside the photo studio's front door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Doug Thurman! SFPD! [The first SWAT officer smashes the door open with a battering ram. The SWATs enter their room with submachine guns drawn, followed by Stottlemeyer and Disher, who have their sidearms drawn]
First SWAT Officer: Clear! [They go into the next room] Clear!
[In the main room of the studio, they find on a wall from left to right, photos of Miranda Terhume, Cassandre Rank, and Barbara McFarland, the three murder victims]
Lt. Randall Disher: Captain! [Stottlemeyer comes in]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is that lipstick? [Novak's camera zooms in to show that each victim's respective lipstick has been smeared onto their photo] Sick enough for you?
Lt. Randall Disher: I guess that clinches it. This guy's definitely the Cosmetic Assassin.
First SWAT Officer: The what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Cosmetic Assassin. That's what we're calling him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe you'd like to hear what we're calling you. [leaves the room]
[cuts to Stottlemeyer and Disher being interviewed in Stottlemeyer's office]
Lt. Randall Disher: That was probably the low point, because we had that creep in handcuffs the day before.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We never should've let him go. [sighs] But the law's the law: insufficient evidence.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we put out a statewide APB on him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But we were too late.
[about Monk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, yeah, he has some idiosyncrasies...
James Novak: Like what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, fear of heights, fear of germs, spiders, milk...
Natalie Teeger: [ticking off on her fingers] ...crowds, elevators, fire...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Rabbits, tunnels, bridges...
Natalie Teeger: ...Boats...
Lt. Randall Disher: ...Decaffinated coffee...
Natalie Teeger: ...Lightning...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The wind, he's afraid of the wind.
Lt. Disher: Egg whites.
Natalie Teeger: Bad.
Lt. Randall Disher: Naked people. That one is way up there. I think it goes naked people, and then death.
[Monk's friends and relatives describe his reaction to Trudy's murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I saw him coming apart, like those rockets that hit the atmosphere at the wrong angle... and there was nothing I could do.
James Novak: [about Trudy's murder] You didn't leave your house for nearly three years. Your psychiatrist said you'd never work again. Yet here you are, a hundred cases later. What keeps you going?
[long pause]
Adrian Monk: I can't die until I know.
[Novak visits a prison and interviews Hal Tucker ("Mr. Monk Makes a Friend"), Jimmy Belmont ("Mr. Monk Visits a Farm"), and Joey Krenshaw ("Mr. Monk and the Daredevil")]
Hal Tucker: Well, killing my girlfriend was the easy part. The hard part was pretending to be Monk's friend for a week.
Jimmy Belmont: You ever hear the man try to tell a joke?
Joey Krenshaw: It's like a verbal root canal.
Hal Tucker: Excruciating.
Ralph "Father" Roberts: Do I remember Adrian Monk? That's like asking the Titanic if it remembers the iceberg.
[Novak interviews Leigh Harrison, the flight attendant in "Mr. Monk and the Airplane"]
Leigh Harrison: I had Adrian Monk as a passenger from San Francisco to Newark. He'd never flown before; I don't think he'd ever been out of his house before. He asked a million questions, he cried for two and a half hours; he gave half the cabin a nervous breakdown, including me, the copilot, and about a half-dozen passengers. [takes a glass of alcohol and drinks, showing that she's been driven to drinking in the past six years] We have a support group now. We meet every month.
James Novak: Really?
Leigh Harrison: The last one was in Minneapolis! I couldn't make it.
James Novak: Why not?
Leigh Harrison: I'm afraid to fly!
[Natalie is reading about Novak's arrest in the newspaper as Monk peels an orange in the kitchen]
Natalie Teeger: "The case was broken by former detective Adrian Monk, who ironically had recently been featured on Mr. Novak's newsmagazine program In Focus." [holds up the newspaper and points to a small picture of Monk on the lower left of a front page photo of Novak, under the headline "TV Host James Novak Arrested for Murder"] Look, picture!
Adrian Monk: Very nice. Nice to go out on a high note.
Natalie Teeger: [sips her coffee] What do you mean, "Go out"?
Adrian Monk: [shrugs] Well, I think it might be time to quit. A hundred cases, a hundred even. It's a nice round number. [Natalie stands up and walks over to the kitchen]
Natalie Teeger: Whoa, wait. You want to quit because it's an even number?
Adrian Monk: It makes sense to me.
Natalie Teeger: That is so stupid. I'm sorry, Mr. Monk, but that is just stupid! [She rolls the newspaper up]
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie Teeger: I'm rolling up this newspaper.
Adrian Monk: I wonder why....
Natalie Teeger: To hit you over the head with it because you're so stupid! [She chases Monk around the kitchen island while waving the newspaper threateningly]
Adrian Monk: I have a knife! [displays one in his hand. Natalie stops, realizing]
Natalie Teeger: Wait. Wait a minute. When you caught that serial killer, that was #100.
Adrian Monk: Right.
Natalie Teeger: Right. Right-right, so this case [unrolls the newspaper and displays the news article on Novak's arrest], with this TV host, this was a completely different case. Different killer, different case! [Monk looks shocked]
Adrian Monk: Oh, my god.
Natalie Teeger: HA-HA! So you're at one hundred and one!
Adrian Monk: Oh, my god! How did this happen? [Natalie laughs triumphantly in his face]
Natalie Teeger: You want to stop at a nice, round number? You have to get to two hundred! [takes the newspaper]
Adrian Monk: Two hundred?
Natalie Teeger: All right! So you'd better get started! Let's see if anybody's killed anybody today! [They start looking at headlines] Oh, this looks good. "Suspicious Drowning".
Adrian Monk: A hundred and one. Oh my god. Why didn't you stop me? Oh, "Runaway Truck Kills Two".
Natalie Teeger: Oh, "Socialite Killed by Giant Pendulum," that's juicy.
Adrian Monk: "Billionaire's Mistress Disappears".
Natalie Teeger: "Woman Run Over By Golf Cart".
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [points to another article] "TV Writer Found Dead after Contract Dispute".
Natalie Teeger: Creepy.

Mr. Monk Gets Hypnotized [7.08][edit]

[first lines; Sally Larkin is at a jewelry store trying to sell some of her jewelry]
Mr. Sheckman: [examining one piece] Hmmmm.
Sally Larkin: Whaddaya think?
Mr. Sheckman: It's very nice. A little too nice. You sure you don't want to take this to an auction house, maybe Sotheby's?
Sally Larkin: I can't. [smiles] I don't want any publicity.
Mr. Sheckman: Well, we might be able to find a buyer. We'll need some time, though. A week.
[Sally puts the other merchandise back in her bag]
Sally Larkin: A week? OK, I'll call you in a week then. And if you do find a buyer, let them know that I've got some other things that I'm looking to sell. A whole house full, actually. Thank you. [She starts to head for the door, but stops, petrified]
Mrs. Sheckman: You need an umbrella? [Sally doesn't respond] Sweetheart, are you all right?
[After a few moments, Sally turns to them]
Sally Larkin: Yeah, yeah. I thought I saw my husband. [laughs] I guess I'm just a little jumpy. Thank you again. I'll be in touch. [She uses her purse to cover her head as she runs across the street to her car]
[Monk visits Dr. Climan for hypnotherapy]
Dr. Lawrence Climan: Leap... and a net will appear.
Adrian Monk: Who's Annette?
Dr. Lawrence Climan: No, a net to catch you. You're safe.
[Stottlemeyer calls out instructions to a search party]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, listen up! You know the situation. We've got a missing woman. Her name is Sally Larkin. Her husband is suspect #1. Now Mr. Lar...[Disher swings his jacket and it hits Stottlemeyer on the back] ...kin owns this house right here and these seven acres. And we are going to search that seven acres, thoroughly. Let's go.
[Natalie and a newly hypnotized Monk park on the bridge.]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's pretty high up. You might want to stay in the car.
Adrian Monk: Aw, do I have to?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, no. You're the boss.
Adrian Monk: [getting out of the car and walking over to the bridge railing] It's such a nice day. It would be fun to run around.
Natalie Teeger: You want to run around?
Adrian Monk: Ah! There's the Captain! Come on. [Stottlemeyer is calling out more instructions to the search team]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Terrain's a little rough out there so try to stay in formation! Eyes forward and down!
Lt. Randall Disher: We're looking for anything unusual! Signs of a struggle! Freshly dug dirt! Articles of clothing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Any questions?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. What if we win?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] What do we win?
Adrian Monk: If we find the body?
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't win anything.
[The main characters are waiting in the foyer of Aaron Larkin's house. Disher passes out pieces of gum]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What is this? [turns the wrapper over to read the label] Disher Mint?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I made it myself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You made the gum?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, from a kit. I got it online. In my basement, I'm experimenting with a bunch of new flavors right now. Guess what this one is.
Natalie Teeger: [making a face] Tar?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. No, it's Diet Blueberry. [Stottlemeyer starts coughing and spits out his gum, which lands on one of the floor vents] Too much citric acid?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh hell! Where'd it go? [He bends down onto the floor to find his runaway gum]

Mr. Monk and the Miracle [7.09][edit]

Adrian Monk: You wasted a trip.
Natalie Teeger: Why do you say that?
Adrian Monk: Because they make their own gravy.
Natalie Teeger: Who makes their own gravy?
Adrian Monk: Bums.
Natalie Teeger: "Bums make their own gravy", what does that even mean?
Adrian Monk: You don't want to know.
[Ike, Reggie, and the Professor have shown up at Monk's apartment looking for his services]
Natalie Teeger: Do you guys want to sit down?
Ike, Reggie & the Professor: Yeah! Thanks.
Adrian Monk: No! That couch doesn't work, none of these chairs work. How 'bout we sit on some newspapers! Julie, go get some newspapers!
[Stottlemeyer muses about his health when he finds Monk and Natalie in his office]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Got five doctors, and they haven't got a clue. They got me on three different medications. I've tried everything. Even this crap. [He motions towards a bottle of a health drink]
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's some kind of organic hippie concoction from Hell. My aunt sent me a whole carton full of it. [He takes a sip out of the bottle, and gags a little bit]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, it tastes like chalk.
Natalie Teeger: What's in it?
Adrian Monk: [reads the label on the bottle] Chalk extract...
Julie Teeger: So, why do they call you the Professor?
Natalie Teeger: Julie, it's probably because he loves to read and probably because he's curious about the world and other cultures...
The Professor: I eat books.
Natalie Teeger: Oh.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station to talk to Randy about the Willie T. murder]
Natalie Teeger: Maybe the Captain saw something... [Randy turns around, and they see that he has grown a mustache] ...unusual. What is that?
Lt. Randall Disher: What?
Natalie Teeger: On your face! On your lip!
Adrian Monk: It looks a little bit like a mustache.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I'm in charge. It comes with the job. [Monk and Natalie continue to stare at him, dumbstruck] Okay, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Natalie Teeger: You're making me a little uncomfortable!

Mr. Monk's Other Brother [7.10][edit]

[Monk has caught an escaped convict hiding in his apartment. Unable to get his pistol lockbox open in time, he just hits the convict over the head with it, and grabs the phone with his other hand.]
Adrian Monk: Don't move! There's a gun in here! Take my word for it.
"Joe Endicott": Adrian, wait! Who are you calling?
Adrian Monk: Who do you think?
"Joe Endicott": No, wait! You don't want to do that!
Adrian Monk: I don't, huh?
"Joe Endicott": No, come on! Put the phone down, and-and the "gun"!
Adrian Monk: Give me one good reason.
Jack Monk, Jr.: I'M YOUR BROTHER!
Jack Jr.: I've never hurt anybody!
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Ever. I'm a con man. I'm a grifter. A lovable rogue.
Adrian Monk: A lovable rogue? People don't call themselves lovable rogues.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Lovable rogues do.
[Jack is explaining how he escaped; but Adrian is disgusted at the part where Jack says he crawled through the sewer]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Come on, I didn't kill that woman! I crawled through the sewer, when I got to the parking lot, she was already dead!
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, go back... you crawled through the what-what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: I crawled through the sewer, that's how I escaped...
Adrian Monk: No, wait, go back... you crawled, through the what?
Jack Monk, Jr.: The sewer.
Adrian Monk: Wait... (whimpers) Go back.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Just one phone call. For old time's sake.
Adrian Monk: We don't have any old times.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Sure we do. Come on, remember... oh, remember in the hallway, when you hit me over the head with that metal box?
Adrian Monk: That was a half hour ago!
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, well it's something. It's a start.
[Jack has used some bluffing to get himself and Adrian into Lindsey Bishop's house]
Adrian Monk: I can't help noticing your fake crying looks a lot like your real crying.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you crying?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, a little. I mean, how would you feel if your pen pal thought you were a prowler?
[Monk is in session with Dr. Bell]
Adrian Monk: Hypothetically....
Dr. Neven Bell: OK.
Adrian Monk: Let's say, somebody was a fugitive from the law, and they needed help, and they came to you.
Dr. Neven Bell: A fugitive? Like the one that escaped from Bayside Correctional? The one that murdered that woman [Lindsey Bishop]?
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's say, hypothetically, that it's not hypothetical. He's in my apartment. He's been there for two days. It's my half-brother Jack. He's the fugitive. [sighs] He's been using a fake name.
Dr. Neven Bell: Did he kill that woman?
Adrian Monk: No! I don't think he did.
Dr. Neven Bell: But he did escape from jail. He's guilty of that.
Adrian Monk: But he's going back, as soon as I clear his name. [sighs] All I ever wanted, since I was a boy, was a real family. I used to pray for it. [beat]
Dr. Neven Bell: I hate to break the news to you, Adrian, but you already have a real family. In a lot of ways, your situation is--is typical; I've seen it quite often. [Adrian stares at Dr. Bell]
Adrian Monk: There's a four state dragnet out on my brother. Do you get that a lot?
Dr. Neven Bell: No. Now these are fundamental questions. People have been asking them for ages, all the way back to Cain and Abel. "What do I owe my family?" "What do I owe my brother?" "What is my obligation?"
Adrian Monk: See, sometimes, he's not really so bad. Last night, we were watching this old horror movie, and talking about our dad and...Paraguay [Dr. Bell tenses up], and I--I was feeling-
Dr. Neven Bell: Paraguay?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he's--he's obsessed with Paraguay. He's been reading all about it and-
Dr. Neven Bell: Uh-oh. [beat]
Adrian Monk: "Uh-oh"? What "uh-oh"?
Dr. Neven Bell: Mmmm. Adrian, I've been doing some workshops in the local prisons, and Paraguay is considered "the Promised Land".
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Neven Bell: Mmmm-hmm. Because of their new extradition laws. They won't extradite anyone. Unless he's been indicted for murder. [Adrian grimaces]
[Jack is at Adrian's apartment, conning Natalie into writing a check to him]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, you remember. I bought that album. Do you know that most of that money didn't even go to the children of Africa? But most of this money [points to the check Natalie is writing to him] goes directly to the orphans. 'Cause, like, only 2% goes to marketing.
Natalie Teeger: Which is probably why I never heard of it.
Jack Monk, Jr.: Exactly. That's why they call it a "word-of-mouth" charity.
Natalie Teeger: Well, I wish I could give you more. [starts signing her name]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Oh, bless your heart.
Natalie Teeger: Um, so I make it out to you?
Jack Monk, Jr.: Yeah, it's like a weird Canadian tax thing. I don't even understand what it's all about.
[The front door flies open and Adrian storms in, furious]
Adrian Monk: Where is he?! You liar, liar! You are never going back to prison!
Natalie Teeger: [shocked] Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: You are going to Paraguay! That's why you came to me! You couldn't leave until I cleared your name!
Jack Monk, Jr.: Okay, look, Adrian! I swear-
Adrian Monk: Just admit it, Jack! Just, can you---please, ju-ju-just once, just for the novelty of it!
Natalie Teeger: Wait, I don't understand. He's your penpal, right?
Adrian Monk: He's my half-brother. He's Jack, Jr.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my...God! Jack?
Adrian Monk: AKA Joe Endicott.
Natalie Teeger: The fugitive? [Adrian nods] Oh my God! So...oh my God!! Wait, you killed that woman?
Adrian Monk: No! No, he's not a killer, but he's practically everything else! [Natalie is disgusted]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! I'm going to want my check back! [She snatches it from Jack and stands next to Adrian]
Adrian Monk: What? What is that?
Natalie Teeger: [disgusted] He said he's building an orphanage in Quebec! [Adrian and Natalie glare at Jack]
Jack Monk, Jr.: [laughs nervously] Okay, you know what? I am relieved that this happened. I really am. Let's talk about this! No more B.S., okay? No more lies, OK? [holds up his right hand] Hand to God-
Adrian Monk: God doesn't want to see your hand! [notices a wristwatch on Jack's hand] What is that? [Jack lowers his right hand and instinctively covers the watch with his other hand, like he's hiding something]
Jack Monk, Jr.: What?
Adrian Monk: That watch. I've seen it before, in Lindsey Bishop's apartment. [In flashback, Adrian looks at the same watch in a drawer as he and Jack search Lindsey's house] You stole that watch! They haven't even buried her yet, and you're wearing her watch?!
Natalie Teeger: [thoroughly disgusted] Oh my God!
Jack Monk, Jr.: OK, first off, it wasn't her watch, so it doesn't count. It's a guy's watch, okay? [takes it off and hands it to Adrian] Here, look. Take it back. It's not even my style!
Adrian Monk: You are the most selfish human being on the planet! You don't care about anyone or anything- [stops midsentence as he notices something on the side of the watch. He and Natalie exchange looks]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Is he okay?
Natalie Teeger: He just solved the case.
[Adrian, Jack, and Natalie are leaving Daniel Reese's ranch after interviewing him]
Jack Monk, Jr.: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: I'm 80% sure he's the guy.
[Reese immediately opens fire on them from the roof]
Adrian Monk: I'M 95% SURE! [They dive for cover]
[As Daniel Reese closes in to kill Adrian and Natalie (who are hiding behind a log pile)]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, here he comes! Now what do we do?
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. I'm going to count to three.
Natalie Teeger: All right, okay.
Adrian Monk: On three... you come up with a great idea. [just as Reese is bringing up his gun, there is a noise, and Jack, driving Natalie's car, comes crashing through the fence and hits Reese, sending him rolling over the roof of the car. Jack stops and gets out]
Adrian Monk: Paraguay is that way. The beautiful women? [points south]

Mr. Monk On Wheels [7.11][edit]

[Monk notices one of Dean Berry's square tomatoes in a glass case]
Adrian Monk: Is that a square tomato?
Sarah Longson: Yes it is. It's a pet project of Dean's. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
Adrian Monk: So, so, that means every slice is exactly the same size?
Natalie Teeger: How does it taste?
Adrian Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato. You're doing the Lord's work.
[Dean Berry is testing his genetically altered corn seeds]
Professor Dean Berry: What's our time?
Sarah Longson: 17:20. [The seed begins to sprout]
Professor Dean Berry: Germination complete. That is our best time yet, and that, boys and girls, is how you feed four billion people. [looks up and turns to Sarah, Monk and Natalie] We're in business. Call our investors, tell them to bring their checkbooks.
Sarah Longson: I'll set it up for Friday. Dean, this is Adrian Monk and I believe you remember Natalie Teeger?
Professor Dean Berry: Ah, yes! The woman who stole my bike.
Natalie Teeger: I didn't steal it!
Professor Dean Berry: No, that's right. I believe "aided and abetted" is the correct term. [He crosses the room to his wall safe to lock up his genetically altered seeds] I'm sorry, I have to lock these up. Would you mind turning around? [Monk and Natalie do so as Berry punches in the numbers on the lock's keypad] It's just that if somebody else sees this combination I'll have to memorize a new one and I don't want to waste the gray cells. [He unlocks the vault door]
Natalie Teeger: Look, Mr. Berry, I want to buy you a new bike. If you could just give me the make and the model number-
Professor Dean Berry: Oh that's very kind of you, Miss Teeger, but that's a bike that can't be replaced.
[Natalie promises Berry that she'll find his bike]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk here is probably the best detective on Earth.
Professor Dean Berry: He is?
Natalie Teeger: Yes sir, and I know lots of other detectives. [Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher enter the lab, along with several uniformed cops]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Police Department. What's going on?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, uh, we're fine.
Lt. Randall Disher: You said it was an emergency.
Natalie Teeger: [to Stottlemeyer] Somebody stole his bike.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie Teeger: Rode away.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And?
Natalie Teeger: Didn't come back!
[Monk is using one of the lab's square tomatoes for a sandwich]
Adrian Monk: [in bliss] I can taste the symmetry!
[Monk has been shot]
Dr. Levinson: Are you a fighter, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: [weakly] No.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at John Kuramoto's house while searching for Dean Berry's bicycle]
Adrian Monk: Am I going to need a tetanus shot after this?
Natalie Teeger: Probably not. [As they reach the porch, Natalie sees a set of bolt cutters] Mr. Monk, look, the bolt cutters!
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, those are nice.
Natalie Teeger: I don't see the bike. Maybe he's out riding it. [Monk peeks through the window blinds]
Adrian Monk: No, he's right in there! Playing video games, eating junk food. What are we doing here?
Natalie Teeger: The right thing. [Monk sighs and pounds his elbow against the door]
Adrian Monk: Hello, Johnny! Open up, it's... it's Encyclopedia Brown! Sally and I want our blue bike back! [sheepishly] And the name of your decorator. [sighs] You're not in trouble! Nobody's gonna press charges! We just want the bike!
Natalie Teeger: [whispers to Monk] Try again!
[Kuramoto fires at them through the other side of the door. Monk and Natalie try to run, but one of the bullets hits Monk in the left leg, just below the knee]
[Stottlemeyer and Disher interrogate John Kuramoto's cousin]
Lt. Randall Disher: You don't know where he is? Well, you're staying at his house, Vince.
Vince Kuramoto: Hey, man. I'm just crashing at his place for a few days. He's my cousin. Do you know where all your cousins are?
Lt. Randall Disher: Where do you think he is, Vince?
Vince Kuramoto: [loudly and clearly into the microphone, emphasizing every word] I. Don't. Know. [hits the tape recorder's microphone with his hand. Stottlemeyer casually puts it back upright]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ah. Tough guy, ehh? [produces an evidence bag containing the recovered bullet] Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight!
Lt. Randall Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lt. Randall Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lt. Randall Disher: No. He shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: I did, it's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing at all, it's not even close-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh for God's sakes! What are you two, married or what?! Look, it's not complicated, Vince! If you know where your cousin is and you're not telling us, [points an accusing finger at Vince] that makes you an accessory after the fact.
Lt. Randall Disher: For aiding and abetting!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For attempted murder, which is a very very VERY long "goodbye"! Let me put it this way: your parole officer? He hasn't been born yet.
[Berry parks his ZAP Xebra at his house and sees Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher waiting for him]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What kind of gas mileage does this thing get?
Professor Dean Berry: Mileage? I haven't had to deal with mileage in years!
[Berry sees Monk in a wheelchair]
Professor Dean Berry: Mr. Monk, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to adopt ten acres of Brazilian rain forest in your name.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I don't have to visit it, do I? Or-or water it, or think about it?
Professor Dean Berry: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Professor Berry, somebody paid that young man to steal your bicycle.
Professor Dean Berry: You're kidding!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir, apparently they paid him a lot of money. We were wondering why.

Mr. Monk and the Lady Next Door [7.12][edit]

Adrian Monk: What's the catch?
Dr. Neven Bell: With what?
Adrian Monk: With Marge, what do you suppose she's after?
Dr. Neven Bell: Uh, Adrian—
Adrian Monk: Every time somebody wants to be my friend, it turns out they're after something. They have an angle!
Dr. Neven Bell: Not necessarily.
Adrian Monk: How could somebody - how could anybody - love me unconditionally? I mean, come on, you met me!
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I know you've been burned in the past, but you have to trust people. See, there's not always a catch.
Adrian Monk: Then how do you explain this? There's always a catch.
[Monk surveys the jewelry store robbed by John Keyes the night before]
Adrian Monk: The killer wore a ski mask, ergo the killer was afraid he'd be recognized, ergo the killer must have worked here recently.
Lt. Randall Disher: [writes in his notepad] "Ergo the Killer". Is that Hungarian?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name isn't Ergo, Randy.
[Randy has noticed that Togo the Egg-Eating Robot is missing]
Lt. Randall Disher: I come here every year on my birthday. Sorta like a family tradition.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: When you were a kid. [Randy stares] You meant when you were a kid. Say "yes," Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes.
[Monk visits Marge's house]
Adrian Monk: I love your house.
Marge Johnson: Do you? Did you grow up in a place like this?
Adrian Monk: I grew up wishing it was a place like this.
[Monk and Natalie have gone back to Marge's house to apologize to her]
Adrian Monk: What do I say?
Natalie Teeger: Just speak from your heart, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas? Anything, quick!
Adrian Monk: What's wrong with me?
Natalie Teeger: Are you really asking or is that rhetorical?
Adrian Monk: Rhetorical.
[John Keyes has taken Monk, Natalie and Stottlemeyer hostage]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Adrian Monk: Or an ex-cop.
Natalie Teeger: Or an ex-cop's assistant.
[Last lines; Monk and Natalie have parted with Marge]
Natalie Teeger: A pirate?
Adrian Monk: It's more fun to be a pirate.
Natalie Teeger: That's good advice. Come on boss, I'll make you some lunch.
Adrian Monk: What are we having?
Natalie Teeger: Ooh, chicken pot pie, with a little Jolly Roger flag on top and a bottle of rum.
Adrian Monk: Okay, you don't have to beat it to death.
Natalie Teeger: [imitating a pirate] Shiver me timbers, you look hungry!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, okay, how is that funny?
Natalie Teeger: It's funny.

Mr. Monk Makes the Playoffs [7.13][edit]

Bob Costas: The cat was trying to kill me!
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are at a tailgate party]
Adrian Monk: Who are all these people, and where are their parents?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a tailgate party, Monk. People get here early, and they start to party and they get all pumped up for the game.
Adrian Monk: But they're... they're not actually playing in the game.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn't make any sense if you think about it. The trick is not to think about it. You just got to turn your mind off. You do have an "off" switch, right?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, here, you can borrow mine. Beer: Nature's off switch.
[Monk learns about the Condors/Wildcats rivalry]
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're Wildcat fans, Monk. It's a big rivalry.
2nd Rowdy Fan: Two years ago they put a bag of bees in my car!
Chet Walsh: Yeah, then his mom spat on my mom, then we flipped his RV! God, I love football!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You used to be a fun guy.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah. No, I remember. I remember the time when you graduated, right? We stole that rowboat, you, me, and Trudy. And the Lake Patrol stopped us and you started speaking Spanish! Now, that was funny! That was funny! Where's that guy?
Adrian Monk: Trudy died.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes, Trudy died. But you didn't die. You're alive.
Adrian Monk: "Alive" is a funny word.
[Stottlemeyer and Monk head towards the gates, leaving Disher to brief some cops on David Gitelson's murder]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, hey, tell Bob Costas "Randy Disher says hi".
Captain Stottlemeyer: Does he know you?
Lt. Randall Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, then, wouldn't that just confuse him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Only one way to find out.
[Monk is suspicious of Shawn Metzger]
Adrian Monk: Uh, you have a.. you have a smudge there. What happened there?
Shawn Metzger: What happened? I don't know. Do you remember every little smudge you ever got on your clothing?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I do.

Mr. Monk and the Bully [7.14][edit]

Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody changed my life! Maybe as much as Trudy did! He ruined everything! It was childhood's end, really.
Dr. Neven Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack-
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice, and he told you to face up to the bully, and the bully backed down?
Dr. Neven Bell: Yes, more or less. Yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It will give me something to think about at one o'clock, when my head is in the man's toilet.
Dr. Neven Bell: Why don't you just cancel it? Just say you're busy.
Adrian Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks! Look, what I need is a note.
Dr. Neven Bell: A note?
Adrian Monk: Yes, a note from you, something I can show Natalie, to get me out of this!
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, I'm not going to write you a note!
Adrian Monk: You don't have to write it. [pulls it out of his jacket] It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
Dr. Neven Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class! Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. You know, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you're right. But sign the note!
Dr. Neven Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your greatest and most troubling fears, to finally resolve them! Put them all behind you! Not many people get this chance!
Adrian Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?
Dr. Neven Bell: Sure. [He starts to hand the note back, but stops midway, wearily] Wait. You're not planning to forge my signature, are you?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] No! [He lunges for the note]
[Monk and Natalie park at the Brody house]
Adrian Monk: [uneasily] Oh god.
Natalie Teeger: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: I'm not comfortable.
Natalie Teeger: Come on. [They walk towards the front door]
Adrian Monk: Not comfortable!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello!
[Natalie rings the doorbell and Monk pulls a showercap out of his lapel]
Natalie Teeger: What is that? Is that a shower cap?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes, he'd let me wear one.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I don't think you're going to be needing that! [Natalie quickly stuffs it in her purse just as Marilyn opens the door]
Marilyn Brody: Adrian Monk? And you must be Natalie. [Natalie smiles] I'm Marilyn Brody. Oh, Roderick is so looking forward to this.
Adrian Monk: I'm sure he is.
Marilyn Brody: Come in. Please.
Natalie Teeger: Thank you. [They step into the wood-paneled foyer] Wow. What a beautiful home.
Marilyn Brody: Oh, thank you, you are very sweet, really. [closes the doors behind them] It's a work in progress. We're redoing all the bathrooms upstairs. Which reminds me I need to call the contractor. We're having a party here in three weeks. [Natalie notices a wedding photo]
Natalie Teeger: Did you get married here?
Marilyn Brody: Yes, there was no reason to rent a big hall. I didn't have much family; I was adopted.
Natalie Teeger: Oh.
Marilyn Brody: Yeah, just one aunt in Texas. She didn't even make it!
Natalie Teeger: Well I had a small wedding, too. I think they're the best.
Marilyn Brody: Mmmm-hmmm.
Adrian Monk: Well, he's obviously busy. It's too bad we missed him, but we should go, Natalie, we missed it.
Marilyn Brody: No-no-no! No, you can't go! He's right upstairs. I'll-I'll tell him you're here. It was so nice to meet you!
Natalie Teeger: You too. [Marilyn goes upstairs to fetch her husband; Natalie turns to Monk] She seems nice! How bad can her husband be?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't always work like that! Eva Braun took in stray puppies, for God's sakes!
Natalie Teeger: Well at least we know his checks won't bounce.... [Monk looks at a porcelain figure]
Adrian Monk: Look at that thing. That is hideous. [The toilet is heard flushing] Oh god, he's warming up! Shower cap! [reaches for Natalie's purse in an attempt to grab his shower cap] Shower cap! Shower cap!
Natalie Teeger: No- [Roderick Brody comes downstairs chewing out someone on his cellphone]
Roderick Brody: I hear you went a little crazy since high school. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Adrian Monk: Sad crazy. / Natalie Teeger: Funny crazy.
[beat]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. There's something I want to say. [takes out a notecard] "Roderick Brody. You stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds, that you inflicted upon me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you." [beat]
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy?
Natalie Teeger: No, I think Mr. Monk is referring to what you did to him in the seventh grade. You... "tortured" him.
[Monk and Natalie secretly convene with Roderick in a deserted parking lot]
Adrian Monk: Well, you were right. [passes Roderick a file with photos] His name is Douglas Fendle.
Natalie Teeger: Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
Roderick Brody: Mmm-mmm.
Natalie Teeger: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first, and we followed him to the Avalon Hotel on Jackson Place.
Natalie Teeger: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. You know, it's so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We-we understand.
Roderick Brody: I can't see anything. This doesn't prove anything.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but you know it's her, right? Because you saw her on the street. That's why you hired us.
Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe it wasn't Marilyn. You know? My eyes aren't so great, I could have been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm just, I'm not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary, and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No. No, no, no, you're in a bad place. You're in the Heartbreak Hotel! Look at the next picture.
Roderick Brody: [looking at the reflection photo] Is that a spoon?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer, see the reflection. Yeah. See, that's them. That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you! It's eating you up!
Roderick Brody: I don't see it. [Natalie snatches the file from him]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? You're probably right. The bar was dark, she was across the room. We probably have the wrong girl.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what are you-
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we made a mistake!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, what... Zip it. Zip it. [starts crying] This is the worst day of your life.
Roderick Brody: Are you crying? Adrian, I'm still going to pay you! If that's what you're worrying about. [He opens his glove compartment to grab an envelope]
Adrian Monk: [leans back, noticing a revolver] Whoa....
Roderick Brody: Oh, what, the gun? Don't worry about it; I have a permit. We live in uncertain times. [gives the envelope to Monk] For your troubles.
[Monk and Natalie are retracing Marilyn Brody's route. They have arrived at a street corner]
Adrian Monk: OK, he said he lost track of her right here. So which way did she go?
Natalie Teeger: [points right] That way.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. She was wearing high heels. That's a cobblestone street and it's all uphill.
Natalie Teeger: So west?
Adrian Monk: Nah, there's nothing between here and the pier.
Natalie Teeger: All right, well that leaves north or south. [pause. Monk points across the street]
Adrian Monk: That way.
Natalie Teeger: Why that way?
Adrian Monk: I feel lucky! [They begin walking across the street] Isn't this a great case? Isn't this the best case ever?
Natalie Teeger: I've never seen you like this....
Adrian Monk: I never knew revenge could be so sweet. And what makes it even sweeter? Give up: Roderick Brody is paying for it. He is footing the bill for his own comeuppance! And that is the best kind of comeuppance there is.
[Monk has tried asking a doorman about Marilyn. Natalie pulls him aside]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, don't you feel bad? Even a little?! I mean, if you're right, this could destroy their marriage!
Adrian Monk: You're the one whose always talking about karma! "What comes around goes around"! Isn't that what you said?
Natalie Teeger: That isn't what I meant!
Adrian Monk: Of course it is. Of course it is... [spots a bar just across the street] Ooh, that looks promising. Come on!
[Monk and Natalie walk into an upscale bar and take seats at the counter]
Natalie Teeger: Hi. Excuse me.
Adrian Monk: Hi. Um, we're looking for this woman. [flashes a photo of Marilyn to the bartender]
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: No, no-no-no-no. Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: OK. [Monk pulls out his wallet] Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory? [He puts down a $1 bill. Natalie buries her face in her hands, embarrassed]
Bartender: Is that a dollar? [beat]
Adrian Monk: [winks] OK, I get it. Who knows? Maybe there are... [puts a quarter down] ...two General Washingtons. [The bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? [Monk sighs and puts his money away] You've got to admire the guy. He's incorruptable.
Barfly: Hey. She's right over there. [Monk and Natalie turn around and see "Marilyn" with a lover at a back table; they quickly turn back forward]
Adrian Monk: Oh my god.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god, it's true!
Adrian Monk: This is going to kill him!
Natalie Teeger: [glances over her shoulder] He's actually kinda cute!
Adrian Monk: I get to tell him, OK. That's the deal. God, I can't wait to see his face! [Monk pulls out a very old camera. Natalie sighs, exasperated]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk...........what is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It was a birthday gift.
Natalie Teeger: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It's from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: Wait. Is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it! [looks around his surroundings] All right, I have three pictures left. Okay, there's not enough light. So--so... [takes out a flash cube]
Natalie Teeger: Is that a flash cube? [Monk pops the cube on]
Adrian Monk: Bingo. Hold this. Hold it. [He then stands a spoon on its handle and polishes it with a wipe]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. We use it as a mirror. [Natalie holds the spoon upright as Monk positions himself, muttering under his breath. Natalie rolls her eyes at the camera]
Natalie Teeger: [hisses] Hurry up! Take the picture!
[Monk repositions himself, and the flash fires. Monk and Natalie wince their eyes]
Natalie Teeger: Ow!
Barfly: You like that spoon, huh? [Natalie notices the businessman]
Natalie Teeger: Sir, um, would you mind taking our picture?
Barfly: Madam, I would be honored. [Natalie grins and hands him Monk's camera]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, thank you! Here you go. It's ready to go!
Barfly: Hey, I've got the same model myself.
Natalie Teeger: [laughs] Uh-huh.
Barfly: A gift from my Nana.
Natalie Teeger: OK, sir, if you wouldn't mind standing right.... there. [She positions the businessman to just the right angle] Okay. Can you see us?
Barfly: I got ya.
Natalie Teeger: And if you could stand right there. [She repositions Monk accordingly, checking behind them] Right? And on the count of three: One. Two. And THREE! [As she says "three", the camera flash goes off and Monk and Natalie dive out of view]
[Natalie shows up at Monk's apartment with a grocery bag]
Adrian Monk: Okay it took you long enough. Did you get it? [He pulls out a box containing a digital camera] Oh yeah. Is it a good one?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Ooh, it looks good. [Looks at the woman on the box] She looks happy with it.
Natalie Teeger: Yes she does and she's very hard to please. [Monk sits down at his dining room table]
Adrian Monk: Where's the telescope thingie?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, it has an automatic zoom, so it's built-in.
Adrian Monk: Built-in? Excellent! [takes a scalpel and slowly cuts an incision along the sides. Natalie drops her hands, exasperated]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not heart surgery!
Adrian Monk: If we leave right away, we can be at her house by eight o'clock. [Natalie rolls her shoulders] We can follow her all day-
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, look, um, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision: if you want to keep following Mrs. Brody, I suppose that's your right, although it really isn't, but...[sighs] I can't help you anymore.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie Teeger: I--I--I'm just not comfortable! Her husband fired us!
Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
Natalie Teeger: No, "pro bono" is for lawyers! This is stalking!
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance. [A look of rage flashes across Natalie's face]
Natalie Teeger: No! No! That is just crazy talk! [Natalie marches forward and turns off Monk's table lamp. Monk promptly turns the lamp back on]
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk-
Natalie Teeger: Pro bono comeuppance?! That's the craziest talk there is! You heard what he said! He wants you to quit!!
Adrian Monk: [scoffs] I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit 40 years ago, in stall #3! [He picks up the new camera and examines it] Oh yeah. [Natalie's cell phone rings]
Natalie Teeger: Hello? [sighs] Yes, he's right here. [She listens] The Avalon? Sure, we know it. We were just there. Okay, what's his name?
[Natalie looks up at the camera]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God!
Adrian Monk: What happened?
[Cuts to Monk and Natalie looking at Douglas Fendle's dead body]
[Monk and Natalie are looking at Fendle's body as Randy briefs them]
Lt. Randall Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle, or rather was Douglas J. Fendle, I guess it still is, but doesn't matter. Let's move on. [looks at his notebook] Uh, he was 37, unmarried, from Chicago. Mr. Fendle was an attorney, he worked at a small time law firm, Shellman, Reznick & Link, mostly family law, wills, adoptions... [he looks up at Monk] Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: Dynamite.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, so are you, uh, going to look around?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, sure. [He looks around the scene as Randy continues reading from his notepad]
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I talked to his boss. She said he was on vacation. She didn't even know he was here.
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, interesting.
Lt. Randall Disher: According to the clerk, he checked in three days ago. He kept to himself. Housekeeping found the body this morning. Dr. T puts the time of death at 8:00 or 9:00 PM last night. [pauses as Monk takes a flower out of one of the room vases] He was stabbed three times.
Adrian Monk: Ouch. [Natalie glares at him disapprovingly]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Lt. Randall Disher: There was money still in his pocket, so it wasn't a robbery.
Adrian Monk: No, it wasn't a robbery.
Lt. Randall Disher: And, uh, there was no forced entry. He let the guy in. I think he knew him.
Adrian Monk: [semi-chuckling] Yeah I think he knew him too. I think you're right- [Natalie pulls him aside and leads him into the other room]
Natalie Teeger: Excuse me! Can I talk to you for a minute, please?! Do you think Roderick Brody did this?
[Monk gives her a look that means "maybe"]
Natalie Teeger: Well he said he didn't believe us!
Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
Natalie Teeger: Well that's horrible! A man is dead!
Adrian Monk: I know, and that's murder in the first degree, and you know what that means: prison swirlies. Natalie! Prison swirlies! You don't even want to know about prison swirlies. They're not even technically real swirlies. You were right about karma. It is fantastic!
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [enters] Monk, Natalie, thanks for coming.
Adrian Monk: Hi.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I was downstairs doing a little dumpster diving. Can't find the murder weapon. There is a steak knife missing from that service tray. I guess he took it with him. So, whaddaya think? [Monk appears to be holding his breath] You okay? [Monk releases a stifled laugh] Are you happy?
Adrian Monk: I love my work. Is that a crime?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [confused] No. [Randy whispers into Stottlemeyer's ear]
Lt. Randall Disher: I think they knew the guy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Know what? [points to the body] What, you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: No, not technically...
Natalie Teeger: [simultaneously] No, [we] don't "know" him; never met him face to face.
Adrian Monk: Never formally introduced.
Natalie Teeger: Just....
Adrian Monk: Sort of.... [Natalie makes a motion with her fingers indicating "footsteps"] We've been following him.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman, a married woman, and [shrugs] we were following her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman? I wonder why.
Natalie Teeger: Her husband hired us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why. Wh-what are you doing? You, you doing divorce work now?
Natalie Teeger: He was just doing a favor! He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's-
Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance, actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [points an accusing finger at Monk] And that would explain the stupid grin you have on your face. You think you're getting even!
Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, your pal - you told him about the affair, and you told him that Fendle was going to be here? [Monk shrugs] Well, I think your friend just made the top of my "To Do" List. What's his name? [Natalie steps in front of Monk]
Natalie Teeger: Actually we can't tell you that. Technically, he's a client so it's privilaged information. We could contact a lawyer or a third party-
Adrian Monk: Roderick Brody. 23 Orchard Circle. [Randy starts to write down a name and address in his book] No, "B-R-O". That looks like an "A". "B-R-O-D-Y". Roderick Brody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's go talk to him.
[They file out, and Monk escorts Natalie out]
Adrian Monk: Prison swirlies!
[Roderick Brody is being questioned at the police station]
Roderick Brody: You didn't have to drag me down here. You could've talked to me in my office.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I'm more comfortable here. I've got my own coffee mug. I've got the AC set just the way I like it.
Roderick Brody: Yeah, well can I at least call my wife?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well we've already called her. She's on her way.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So let's start at the beginning. You knew Mr. Monk from the neighborhood. You hired him to follow your wife, he told you about Mr. Fendle, told you about Fendle and the hotel...
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but it wasn't my wife. The woman you saw in that bar, it wasn't Marilyn. It couldn't have been.
[Monk stands up and paces in front of Roderick]
Adrian Monk: Well I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle and then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roderick.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, skipping ahead, um, eight o'clock last night?
Roderick Brody: I told you. I was at home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little... flushed. [pause] Get it?
Roderick Brody: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Neither do I.
Lt. Randall Disher: Flushed?
Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, Monk? We'll take it from here. Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I'll bet the room is just swirling all around you. Just swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. [pulls out an index card] "Your thoughts are overflowing..." [Natalie pulls the card from his hand]
[Natalie finds Monk standing in a park near the police station, eyes closed and hand over his chest, like he is meditating]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk? There you are! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Do you hear that? The birds? They're singing. Is that a lark? Yeah?
Natalie Teeger: Uh, I don't know.
Adrian Monk: You know how I feel? Liberated! [Monk and Natalie start walking] I should've confronted that S-O you-know-what years ago! B. I still can't believe I won.
Natalie Teeger: You know, Mr. Monk, I don't think anyone really won anything.
Adrian Monk: You're right, of course, you're right. Except me. I won big-time!
Natalie Teeger: [smiles] Are you going to start singing?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] You know I almost could. You know what I am going to do? I'm going to do a cartwheel. [Natalie lifts her eyebrows] I'm going to do a cartwheel right here. You might want to stand back. It's my first cartwheel. [A passerby hurries out of the way] Yeah, that's perfect. There's plenty of room there. That's great. I'm going do it right here. [He puts two wipes on the ground] What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man was stabbed to death.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, this is no time for cartwheels. [starts to pick up his wipes] Why don't I listen to you?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this! I mean, this is a moment to savor, it might never happen again! I'm doing the cartwheel! I am doing it! [puts his wipes down on the grass] I can't do it! It's ghoulish! I mean, one man dead, another man going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, you're not a ghoul!
Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
Natalie Teeger: You know, I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I don't care! The man is my archenemy! One cartwheel, I've gotta do it! [tries again] I can't. Natalie, do the cartwheel!
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise: cartwheel by proxy! And don't forget to say "Whee!" while you're doing it. Gotta say "Whee"- [He grabs Natalie by her right arm]
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, no, thank you.
[Monk notices a police officer nearby and his attention is drawn to the pistol in the cop's hip holster]
Adrian Monk: Oh no!
Natalie Teeger: What is it? What happened?
Adrian Monk: Brody. He had a gun.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher have broken into the Brody house just in time to stop Marilyn's evil twin from drowning her]
Lt. Randall Disher: How do we tell them apart? [Marilyn coughs up salt water] Say "aunt."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy? Let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, uh, that works too. [Stottlemeyer handcuffs the twin]
[last lines]
Adrian Monk: Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling? The toilet tank of life. [Natalie puts her arm around Monk's]
Natalie Teeger: Come on, Mr. Monk, I'll drive you home. [They start walking]
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called, "the great cosmic swirly." There's no escaping it.
Natalie Teeger: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I think I'm going to need that shower cap back.
Natalie Teeger: OK.

Mr. Monk and the Magician [7.15][edit]

[Torini is at a backroom in Bangkok talking to some drug dealers. He's taken the ringleader's watch]
Karl Torini: [to the ringleader] I'll trade you: your watch for [cups his hands, and when he opens them, a little chick comes out] this chick. [Unimpressed, the ringleader pulls out a pistol and points it at Torini's head and speaks something in Thai]
Translator: He says, "give it back".
Karl Torini: Awwww! Don't you like chicks! [He hides the chick. The ringleader cocks his pistol and shouts more threatening Thai]
Translator: He says he will make this bullet disappear in your skull! Where is the watch?
Karl Torini: That's a good question. Why don't you ask him? [points to one of the other henchmen, who has suddenly acquired the ringleader's watch. He hands it to Torini, who then hangs it over the barrel of the ringleader's gun. The ringleader puts his gun away and produces some bags of heroin] How much?
Translator: 70 kilos. It is our biggest shipment yet.
[Torini and Tanya are rehearsing for Torini's next show]
Karl Torini: Applause, applause, applause. [holds out a birdcage] Different music cue, show them the cage. [The cage pops and vanishes] It's gone. Oohs and aahs from the audience. That's when you bring on the cabinet. [Tanya wheels on a cabinet] You wheel it on. Turn it around slowly. Let them get a look at it.
Tanya Adams: Like this?
Karl Torini: You open the cabinet. [opens the curtain to reveal that it's empty] Nothing inside! You step in there-[Kevin comes in and Torini sees him] Who's there? [Kevin raises his hand] Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal!
[At Kevin's funeral, Monk and Natalie are looking at a photo of Kevin]
Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.
Natalie Teeger: I took that picture.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Natalie Teeger: Took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.
Adrian Monk: Ha, well, you did it.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, I had to Photoshop it.
[Monk looks at some knives on a table in Torini's apartment. He picks up one and sticks it in his chest, proving that it's a prop one]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm just trying to figure out how it works.
Natalie Teeger: No, I don't want to know. It ruins the effect!
[Monk sets down the prop knife and picks up another knife, and brings it down on Natalie's back while she's facing away from him]
Natalie Teeger: OW!!
Adrian Monk: [sets it down] OK, this one might be real. Don't play with this one.
Natalie Teeger: [annoyed] OK. I won't!
[Monk notices something nearby]
Adrian Monk: What is that? [He walks over to the cabinet to examine it, and suddenly]
Karl Torini: [over hidden loudspeakers] It's called a Zig Zag Cabinet. I designed it myself. [Monk starts to examine the Zig Zag Cabinet more closely] Please step away from the cabinet, Mr. Monk. Secrets of the trade, you understand.
[Monk and Natalie spot a machine producing fog in the other room. After a few seconds, the camera angle switches to show that Torini has silently appeared behind them. He clears his throat, and they both turn around]
Natalie Teeger: My God! How did you do that?
Karl Torini: Misdirection, Miss Teeger. The secret to every illusion - making the audience look where they shouldn't be looking. [faces them] For example. [conjures a coin out of thin air]

Mr. Monk Fights City Hall [7.16][edit]

Lt. Randall Disher: [Eating a hot dog] What's that, beef or pork?
Vendor Al: We use "meat". [makes air quotes with his fingers]
Natalie Teeger: Wh— why do you say it like that?
George Gionopolis: We are required by law to put it in quotes.
[about two murdered tourists]
Lt. Randall Disher: Okay, well, they were tourists. Probably German.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Really? Why do you say that?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they were German.
Lt. Randall Disher: [examining the bodies of two dead tourists] I, uh, talked to a clerk at a hotel. They were staying downtown at the Best Western. He said that they were a pretty quiet couple.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they look pretty quiet.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but they weren't this quiet. I mean, before last night they were just regular quiet, like, when they checked into the hotel.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, I know what you mean. I was trying to be wry.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, sorry, my bad. Do you want to say it again?
Adrian Monk: [in an unsanitary hot dog factory] I was buried alive once.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, I remember.
Adrian Monk: I was in a box. I was underground for three hours. And that box is now the second-most frightening place I've ever been.
[Harold opens a city hall meeting by speaking about the late Councilwoman Eileen Hill]
Harold Krenshaw: As you all know, we lost a dear friend this week. Eileen Hill's body was discovered earlier this morning. Let us pray that the San Francisco police catch her killer and bring him or her to justice. Or if they don't catch him, let us pray that Eileen's murder was the work of a random nut job, or frustrated ex-boyfriend, and not some kind of masked vigilante who, for some reason, has a personal vendetta against the city council, and is determined to slaughter us, one member at a time, picking us off when we least expect it, using a different, yet somehow appropriate method for each of his grisly killings! Amen.
[Harold is trying to figure out the identity of Monk's new therapist]
Harold Krenshaw: I'm talking about your new therapist, the mystery doctor, the genius you're always raving about. Who is he? Just tell me his name.
Adrian Monk: I can't tell you. It's privileged information.
Harold Krenshaw: No, it's not. What happens in the session is privileged. His name isn't privileged. People recommend therapists everyday. Am I right, Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know. I'm just waiting for the conversation to be over.
Adrian Monk: Ok, fine. His name is doctor... Door.
Harold Krenshaw: Dr. Door? Is that the best you can do? I suppose if we were standing by that alarm you would've said "Dr. Bell".
[Natalie promptly spits water in Harold's face]
Natalie Teeger: Oh god, Harold! I'm so sorry!

Season 8[edit]

Mr. Monk's Favorite Show [8.1][edit]

Kim Kelly: It's $1000 per week.
Adrian Monk: Okay, but I can't pay it all at once.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Her former costar, Steven Dorn, declared 'Christine Rapp is dead to me'."
Steven Dorn: That is a figure of speech.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "'She's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp. Next time I run into her, I hope I'm driving a truck.'"
Adrian Monk: Did you say that? Why would you say that?
Steven Dorn: Because she's a loudmouth, a liar, and a tramp.

Mr. Monk and the Foreign Man [8.2][edit]

Samuel Waingaya: Can you reach into my pants?
[Long pause]
Monk: Yes...
Natalie Teeger: Are you trying to impress that girl?
Lt. Randall Disher: What girl?
Natalie Teeger: The CSI tech. You think that's a quality she's looking for in a man? Do you think she's saying, "Why can't I meet an attractive 30-something nonsmoker who's oblivious to the stench of rotting flesh?"
[at a laundromat]
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is how we do our laundry in America. There are your whites.
Samuel Waingaya: My whites, excellent.
Adrian Monk: Your off-whites. Your off-off-whites. There are the primary colors, red, yellow, green, blue, and that’s indigo. Left socks, right socks. I’ve labeled them for you.
Samuel Waingaya: But in Nigeria, we just wash all of our socks together.
Adrian Monk: Well, I don’t like to judge people, but that’s wrong.
Samuel Waingaya: So you mean you separate everything? But how much is that going to cost?
Adrian Monk: $200.
Laundry Customer: Excuse me, are you using all the machines?
Samuel Waingaya: That's right.
Laundry Customer: But they're empty.
Samuel Waingaya: That is the pre-wash cleansing cycle.
Laundry Customer: The pre-wash what?
Samuel Waingaya: The cleansing cycle. If you are going to live here, you should learn some of the customs. [to Monk] Did you see that, with the finger? What does that mean?
Adrian Monk: That means "We're number one" and we should hurry.

Mr. Monk and the UFO [8.3][edit]

[At the hotel the morning after Monk and Natalie see the UFO]
Oxygen Women : Hi, is this the lobby?
Natalie Teeger: It's right over there.
Oxygen Women: What's going on here, is there a loser convention in town?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, somebody saw a flying saucer.
Oxygen Women: A flying saucer?
Adrian Monk: I know.
Oxygen Women: The image I saw was a clearly Class IV Intergalactic Doomfreighter. Flying saucer? They're coming for the oxygen. [pulls an oxygen mask out of her trunk and puts it on] Have the negotiations started yet?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, we haven't heard! [to Monk] I'm going to call the repair shop to see if the car is ready.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, dial fast, dial like the wind!
Natalie Teeger: You just walked around rearranging spoons and plates and sweeping up crumbs. Couldn't you have at least tried?
Adrian Monk: I tried. I smiled. I smiled a lot.
Natalie Teeger: You were wincing!
Adrian Monk: That's my smile. That's how I smile.
Adrian Monk: [lost in the desert] You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played!
[Monk has gone to the sheriff's office in Vintonville to report a UFO sighting]
Sheriff Fletcher: You saw a UFO?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I didn't say that.
Sheriff Fletcher: Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: Uh, could you identify it?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Sheriff Fletcher: And it was flying.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.
[The sheriff has been shot and he and Natalie are stuck in the hills. They hear howling]
Natalie Teeger: I'm going to ask you if that was a coyote, and you say "no." Was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Really, was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah.
[The Sheriff's been shot]
Sheriff Fletcher: One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
Adrian Monk: All right, Natalie and I will go.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
Adrian Monk: All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.

Mr. Monk is Someone Else [8.4][edit]

Monk: I'm whacking somebody else in Pasadena later. I already bought the bullets.
Adrian Monk: [to a nearby couple at an outdoor cafe, after he shoves Harold Krenshaw] What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley Temple!
Adrian Monk: This coffee is horrible. Tastes like BM.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's iced tea.
Adrian Monk: Heat it up.
Lt. Randall Disher: So, you want tea?
Adrian Monk: No, I want warm iced tea!
Adrian Monk: [looking at a photo of Frank DePalma] Oh my God! It's me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your twin!
Lt. Randall Disher: That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lt. Randall Disher: People... and their doppelgängers.
Monk: [Undercover as Frankie DePalma, a hit man] Frankie don't dance.
[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]
Lola: What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
Lola: Teegerb?
Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.
[Stottlemeyer's reaction when Monk uses a variant of Natalie's name in conversation with Lola]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb."
[Monk is run through Frank DePalma's biography by Agent Stone]
Agent Stone: You were born and raised?
Adrian Monk: 829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
Agent Stone: Your first arrest?
Adrian Monk: October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
Agent Stone: Your first contract kill?
Adrian Monk: November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.
[Monk and Natalie enter Stottlemeyer's office]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [from outside] Sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
[Monk comes into the room]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.

Mr. Monk Takes the Stand [8.5][edit]

D.A. Charles Friedken: Now, did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.
D.A. Charles Friedken: Well, nobody's sleeping today. Harrison Powell is the Prince of Darkness, so be careful up there. Don't volunteer anything. If you don't remember something, just say you don't remember.
Natalie Teeger: But he's guilty, right?
D.A. Charles Friedken: So was O. J.
[Monk is screaming through clenched teeth when trying to describe Evan Gildea's nude sculpture]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: [sighs] Could you read that back, please?
Court Stenographer: "Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."
[Monk, Natalie and Randy visit the auto parts store where the clerk was killed]
Adrian Monk: An auto parts store.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, it's a family business. It's been closed since the murder, so the scene is pretty much intact. Natalie, you be the owner. You're behind the counter.
Natalie Teeger: Yes. [Natalie stands behind the cash register]
Lt. Randall Disher: She was older.
Natalie Teeger: Pretend I'm older.
Lt. Randall Disher: Fine. Let's pretend she's over.
Adrian Monk: OK.
Lt. Randall Disher: All right, Rudy parks out back. He comes inside the store. He looks around, and pretends to shop.
Adrian Monk: And it's just Rudy and the woman? There's no other witnesses?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well he can't remember. He thinks that there might have been another car parked out back, and maybe there was somebody else inside the store.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] That's not much help.
Lt. Randall Disher: I know, Monk. He was scared to death.
Adrian Monk: OK.
Lt. Randall Disher: So he comes over to the counter, and he asks for change. "May I have some change?" She opens the register. [Natalie doesn't do anything] She opens the register. [Natalie pushes the button that opens the cash tray] He grabs the cash, grabs her gold necklace, and bolts out the door.
Adrian Monk: He didn't hit her, or shove her?
Lt. Randall Disher: No! He swears that he didn't touch her. [Randy gestures behind the cash register] I mean, the body was over here, in the corner, with the murder weapon beside it. It was a tire iron from the shelf. [Monk looks at the shelves]
Adrian Monk: So it was spur of the moment. He didn't plan on killing anyone, or he would've brought a weapon.
Natalie Teeger: Ooh! Ooh, Mr. Monk, good point!
Adrian Monk: ....Although, a good lawyer - Harrison Powell, for example - might say, "Rudy didn't have to bring a weapon with him, because he knew there'd be something like a tire iron in the store."
[He looks at his reflection in an interior mirror]
Adrian Monk: [as Harrison Powell] "It is an auto parts store, isn't it, Former Detective Monk? Have you ever been inside an auto parts store, Former Detective Monk?! Do you even own a car, Former Detective Monk?"
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [snatches the mirror] "Oh, that's right! They won't give you a license! Isn't that true, Former Detective Monk?" [as D.A.] "Objection! Order in the [court]...."
Harrison Powell: Do you really want to go up against me again, Former Detective Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yes I do. I'll see you on the ball field.
Harrison Powell: The ball field?
Adrian Monk: I've seen your curveball. I can hit it now.
Harrison Powell:: Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
Adrian Monk: No, you're not.
Natalie Teeger: You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.
Adrian Monk: I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's a good note.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Adrian Monk: Did I do that?
Natalie Teeger: Just a couple times.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: More than a couple of times.
Adrian Monk: I'd better write these down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are no timeouts.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No do-overs.
Natalie Teeger: No heavy, heavy, sweating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no, no, no.

Mr. Monk and the Critic [8.6][edit]

[Hannigan goes to Callie Esterhaus's hotel room and presents her an engagement ring]
Callie Esterhaus: This is probably the best night of my life. I could die right now! I really could!
John Hannigan: Funny you should say that. [promptly throws Callie over the balcony railing. She screams as she plunges to her death]
[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?
Adrian Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you! How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical.
[Natalie believes that critic John Hannigan killed Callie Esterhaus]
Natalie Teeger: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present with them in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where the hell is Randy?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [in disbelief] You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
Natalie Teeger: The morning edition comes out at midnight! They're gonna review Julie's play!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Were you friends with Callie?
Miranda: Callie Esterhaus? I knew her, but I didn't really know her, if you get what I mean. She only worked here a couple of weeks.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Was she dating anyone?
Miranda: I think so. She was kinda private about that stuff. I think he might have been married. It was just a feeling I got.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did she ever mention any names?
Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by an initial "J". Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something down in his notebook]
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lt. Randall Disher: I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is fuming about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
Natalie Teeger: "A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! It's just not true! [Monk walks over]
Adrian Monk: I thought you threw that out!
Natalie Teeger: I bought another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review!
Natalie Teeger: Look who's talking!
Adrian Monk: That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it! I've had years of experience!
Natalie Teeger: How can he call her forgettable?! My daughter is anything but! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but uh, what-what homicide case are you guys working on?! Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review!
Natalie Teeger: He broke my little girl's heart! [Stottlemeyer snatches the newspaper from her]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Julie's a tough kid!
Natalie Teeger: He called her forgettable!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the, um, the-the critic? His office is five blocks up the street! Go on. [Natalie clutches her jacket lapels and takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Miranda: Did she know Callie too?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh, yeah. She did. [Monk turns when he hears the newspaper vending machine open]
Adrian Monk: Natalie, for God's- [It's just another man purchasing a newspaper] Where did she go?
[Gilson has been brought into the hospital]
Adrian Monk: Can we talk to him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's-He's my men's room attendant.
Natalie Teeger: It was John Hannigan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh no-
Natalie Teeger: It had to be him! He worked at the theater!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Adrian Monk: Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: [hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
[Monk has explained how Hannigan committed the murder]
Natalie Teeger: [raising her hand, seriously] Excuse me. May I say something? [Monk nods. Natalie dances around, poking Stottlemeyer and Disher] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! [After a few seconds, she stops]
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Hannigan's office]
John Hannigan: Captain, I hope this is important. I have a deadline in 37 minutes. Make that 36. [Natalie comes in] Her again? Do I have to get a restraining order? It was just a review; get over it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is not about the review or what happened to Callie Esterhaus. This is a completely different matter. [A rather nervous Julie comes in]
[Julie has told all about how Hannigan attempted to rape her]
John Hannigan: I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, how did she get your business card? She said you gave it to her.
John Hannigan: I don't know! I was home! I don't know this girl.
[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Natalie Teeger: A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Adrian Monk: Oh, this check's no good.
Natalie Teeger: That's sweet of you to say, but...
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie Teeger: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie Teeger: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Your check was bad first!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not! There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!
[Monk is ironing his magazines when he gets a phone call]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry to call you so late.
Adrian Monk: Are you all right?
Natalie Teeger: I'm down at the police station.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing there? [Cuts to Natalie sitting in handcuffs at a table outside the holding cells]
Natalie Teeger: I've been arrested.

Mr. Monk and the Voodoo Curse [8.7][edit]

[As Coach Chauncey is encouraging Petey Cunningham, Martha Murphy is power-walking past the field]
Coach Chauncey: Looking good, Martha! You wanna play? We could use a center-fielder.
Martha Murphy: You trying to kill me, Chauncey?
Coach Chauncey: Don't talk like that; you're gonna outlive us all.
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. We caught a weird one. I mean this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: [noticing a new layout in the squad room] What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning: on Friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power-walking past a Little League field when a twelve year old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room? Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, uh, broken it down into five units. It's actually working out-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay-okay-okay. Get this: yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house; they're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they find? I mean, in 30 years of law enforcement, it's the darnest thing-
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't quite get: What was the problem with the old layout? I mean the way it used to be was the way it always has been.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo?
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think, act of God?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So how do you explain the doll?
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it, yet.
Lt. Randall Disher: What, do you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That'd make a hell of a line up, though. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle. Natalie glowers at them]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? It's not funny! I used to laugh about it, too.
Lt. Randall Disher: About what?
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo. Black magic.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you can't actually believe in that stuff?
Natalie Teeger: Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?!
Adrian Monk: Well, maybe-
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, wait, I've got it. Well she walked by here every day. Right?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lt. Randall Disher: So maybe the killer was waiting back here, behind this tree with a baseball gun.
Natalie Teeger: A baseball gun? There's no such thing!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but there are pitching machines.
Natalie Teeger: So, how would your baseball gun killer-
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh! That's a good name for him, by the way.
Natalie Teeger: ...how would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [no response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The other baseball.
Natalie Teeger: It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, how 'bout this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball... and cracks her own cranium. [mimics hitting his head with a ball]
Natalie Teeger: [deadpan] With a baseball, she fractured her cranium.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [matter-of-factly] Yeah.
Natalie Teeger: Was she that strong?
Adrian Monk, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, she exercised.
Natalie Teeger: I think voodoo's looking better and better.
Adrian Monk: Okay, let's be rational here! We live in the real world. It is governed by science, physics, laws of nature. There is always, always a non-voodoo explanation for everything!
Natalie Teeger: Except voodoo. [Randy takes a call on his cell phone]
Adrian Monk: I don't understand! Did some gypsy put a curse on you when you were a child?
Natalie Teeger: I don't want to talk about it!
Lt. Randall Disher: [on his phone] We'll be right there. [hangs up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, what is it?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's another doll.
[The team meets a police sergeant at an apartment]
Sergeant Steiner: Hey, Lieutenant.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is this a crime scene?
Sergeant Steiner: I don't know, I think so. I don't know what the hell it is.
Lt. Randall Disher: Just tell him what you told me. [Steiner produces a newspaper article headlined "Lightning Kills Golfer"]
Sergeant Steiner: Okay, remember this from a few days ago? There was thunder and lightning, the guy kept golfing? Remember how you said what a jerk the guy was? How he single-handedly proved Darwin's theory?
Adrian Monk: What about it?
Sergeant Steiner: Well the guy's name is Ralph Farris, okay? This is his place. He doesn't have any family, right? So this morning the super comes in and starts packing up...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And what?
Sergeant Steiner: And this. [shows them the package for the second doll]
Lt. Randall Disher: Postmarked a week ago, Nob Hill.
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher look at the doll sent to Ralph Farris]
Natalie Teeger: It's another doll, isn't it? There's a lightning bolt coming out of its head?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's his neck. [They use the scalpel to unfurl the paper lightning bolt] No you're right, it's his head.
Natalie Teeger: Now do you believe me?
[Stottlemeyer notices that Monk is less superstitious about voodoo than Natalie is]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Wait, let me get my head around this: you are the level-headed, brave one now?
Lt. Randall Disher: [looking out the window] She's shaking her head.
Adrian Monk: It's this voodoo stuff. She believes it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, I can't really blame her. We've all got the heebie-jeebies. Say hello to Doll #3. [Monk looks at the doll]
Adrian Monk: Heart attack.
Lt. Randall Disher: Victim #3, Robert Boyd, 64. Guy was a big fish, he owned Boyd Teletronics, you know, the cell phone company? [He points to Angeline a few feet away] According to his niece, Angeline Dilworth - that's her over there - she's been worried about him, especially this past week.
Adrian Monk: Why's that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Apparently he was obsessed with the voodoo killings. He was watching the news, following the case...
Lt. Randall Disher: He's real superstitious.
Adrian Monk: So I see.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So this morning, he goes to collect the mail, including this box-
Lt. Randall Disher: Same as the others - it was postmarked three days ago, no return address. He opens the box, sees the doll, Bob's your uncle, his heart just stopped.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer:' "Bob's your uncle"? That doesn't sound right.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher visit Reverend Hadley Jorgenson's Voodoo Boutique]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoa, look at this place. It's like Halloween the year round.
Lt. Randall Disher: Lucky bath crystals.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Incense powder. [looks at another potion] Money powder. "Guaranteed to cure all financial woes."
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, you should buy it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nope. I can't afford it. [He looks around the store a little more and finds a red bottle of potion; he reads the label] Cupid's Arrow.
Lt. Randall Disher: Love potion. [Stottlemeyer dabs a little Cupid's Arrow onto his cheeks and his neck] It's not working.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher question Reverend Jorgensen]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen? My name is Leland Stottlemeyer-
Lt. Randall Disher: So is mine. We'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your merchandise.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [turns to the customers waiting in line behind them] Uh, we're gonna be a while. Thank you.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: I've been talking to you guys all week, and I'm all talked out.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's unfortunate, because there was another incident, yesterday.
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you, uh, sell this doll? [produces an evidence bag containing the Robert Boyd doll]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Probably. Looks like mine.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well you're three-for-three because all three dolls came from your shop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Give me a break. I can't be responsible for how my dolls are used.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, uh, did you take out this advertisement? [produces a full-page newspaper advertisement that says "Reverend Jorgensen's Voodoo Boutique: Home of the Killer Voodoo Dolls"]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: What if I did? It's no big deal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could be a motive.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: A motive?
Lt. Randall Disher: Publicity. You seem to be very busy around here.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: You think I killed all those people for publicity? How? How did I do that?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't know. We don't know yet.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Are we done here?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Um, yeah, we're done. [hands Jorgensen a business card] If you think of anything else, don't hesitate to call me or call Lieutenant-
Lt. Randall Disher: -Stottlemeyer, Leland Stottlemeyer.
[The police station is swarming with activity. A detective drops another doll box on Stottlemeyer's desk as Stottlemeyer talks on the phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No-no-no-no, no toche la muneca ["Do not touch the doll"], you understand me? Do not touch la muneca! Don't touch anything! [he listens] Look, we'll have an officer there in twenty minutes! [He hangs up and turns to Monk] I told the Mayor not to go public; now we've got fifty copycats out there, half the town is getting voodoo dolls in the mail and all of them want a squad car in their driveway!
Adrian Monk: Yeah but these are the four; the only four that count. [He walks over to a bulletin board containing photos (from left to right) of Natalie, Martha Murphy, Robert Boyd, and Ralph Farris, with each person's respective doll being placed underneath their head shot] The same wrapping paper, same handwriting. That's strange: he doesn't write the address on the boxes. He uses these labels. [He scans the address labels]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's the damndest thing, huh?
Adrian Monk: What about the victims? Is there any connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. No, the FBI's been running their names all day. There's no connection. Oh, and here's some more bad news: our primary suspect - our only suspect - is not gonna fly. [Takes down a surveillance photo of Jorgensen]
Adrian Monk: Hmmm, the guy who was selling all the dolls?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Reverend Jorgensen. He's got an alibi for all three victims.
Adrian Monk: And now Natalie.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And now Natalie. How's she doing?
Adrian Monk: Uh, scared to death. I just talked to Randy; she hasn't gotten off the couch all day. Now he says she's wearing one of those plastic dog funnels around her neck!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that can't be good.
[Jorgenson does a cleansing ritual on Natalie]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Mr. Monk, if you would be so kind as to reattach it's head. Here's some adhesive. [He hands the two materials to Monk as he adds ingredients] Some witchgrass. Some coltsfoot. [He adds Mandrake root] Ah. Mandrake root. Smidgen more. [Adds a little more] All I need now is the doll. [Monk continues trying to get the doll's head centered]
Adrian Monk: Okay, one second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: Almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It's symbolic, really.
Adrian Monk: There we go.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: The forces of darkness are gathering.
Adrian Monk: Hold on.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect!
Adrian Monk: Wait a second.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: One second, almost done.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Doesn't...
Adrian Monk: Wait one second.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, please, just let him finish!
Adrian Monk: Hold on...
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: She's suffering, Mr. Monk! It doesn't have to be... okay, that's close enough. [grabs the doll from Monk]
[Natalie accidentally drinks the potion]
Reverend Jorgensen: What did you do?!?
Natalie Teeger: What?
Reverend Jorgensen: Did you drink that?!
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you said it was ready.
Reverend Jorgensen: You're supposed to rub it on your neck! What, are you mental?!
Adrian Monk: What do we do?
Reverend Jorgensen: What? 911. 911! 911!
Adrian Monk: Another chant?
Reverend Jorgensen: No! Call 911!
[Cuts to an ambulance speeding through the streets]
[Jorgensen and Monk are waiting for the ambulance]
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?
Adrian Monk: No! No. No, no, no, no, no. Let's call that plan never-do.

Mr. Monk Goes to Group Therapy [8.8][edit]

Lt. Randall Disher: Could be a serial killer. He's killing people according to their phobias. This guy was afraid of heights, so he pushed him off the roof.
Adrian Monk: Augie wasn't afraid of heights. He was afraid of spiders.
Lt. Randall Disher: That's different. He's killing people using the opposite of their phobias. The Opposite Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So you're saying the opposite of a spider is a tall building?
Lt. Randall Disher: What do you think the opposite of a spider?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I have no idea, but it's not a tall building.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hmm, tell that to the Opposite Killer.
Natalie Teeger: Are you crying?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I have allergies.
Lt. Randall Disher: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There is no "Opposite Killer"! If there was, you would have been killed by a falling rocket scientist years ago!
Harold Krenshaw: Here's what happened...
Harold Krenshaw: We need your strength, Neven. Your guidance. You're the beacon. you're the light that will see us through our darkest hour.
Rhonda: So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? Getting scared of the dark?
[Natalie finds an important letter from Monk's HMO]
Natalie Teeger: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: It's from your HMO.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Don't open that.
Natalie Teeger: It says "important."
Adrian Monk: All the more reason--just throw it out.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe it's good news.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think--I won a free colonscopy?
Adrian Monk: We have to find a phone and call the police.
Harold Krenshaw: There's not enough time. It takes the police four minutes and 20 seconds to get here. Don't ask.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk [8.9][edit]

Voice: Hands up! Any final words?
Natalie: Yes, I have something I wanna say. Happy birthday, Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Why did the captain want to see me again?
Natalie Teeger: I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie Teeger: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You said triple. All right. What happened, did someone get better?
Natalie Teeger: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You are officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie Teeger: Oh, yes I am. We're going to have balloons and cake and dancing!
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie Teeger: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday, and whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You are so cruel.
[They see a small sheet on a stretcher covering what remains of Bradley Foster]
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God! Where's the rest of him? [Stottlemeyer and some other cops come up from beneath the compactor]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's all there is [of him].
Natalie Teeger: But he's all... squished!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster; he was the maintenance man. Apparently he fell into the trash compactor.
Lt. Randall Disher: We've sent a guy to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'd look for a compact. [The other cops burst out laughing]
Natalie Teeger: That's not funny!
Uniformed Cop #2: Hey did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs; they're more like boxers! [more laughter]
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher track down Richard Meckler at a public demonstration of the Laser Vac Self Cleaning Vaccum, advertised on a sign as the first of its kind]
Richard Meckler: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Richard Meckler. I'm a patent attorney. Now I must hear a thousand bad ideas every year. And believe me, I've met every nut job in northern California. But when Kurt Pressman walked into my office five months ago with this invention [pulls off a canvas to reveal the vaccum], the world's first self-cleaning vaccum cleaner, I just knew I wanted to be a part of it. Let's bring Kurt on up right now; he can tell you all about it. [Pressman gets up from his seat and goes up on stage] Kurt Pressman, ladies and gentlemen.
Adrian Monk: Self cleaning vaccum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie Teeger: I don't know, Mr. Monk.
[The team is searching Bradley Foster's apartment]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, but do I have to remind both of you that two nights ago the guy who lived here got torn apart in a trash compactor?
Natalie Teeger: I bet he was "surprised"!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] I know she's been trying to throw you a party, and, um, she's going to. Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie Teeger: I'm gonna get you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think she would do it here?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, Disher, and T.K. are recreating the murder of Richard Meckler]
Lt. Randall Disher: A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lt. Randall Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long elastic wire attached to the blowdart. [pause] They're called dartarangs.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: How do you know they're called dartarangs?
Lt. Randall Disher: Because they're probably called dartarangs. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [whispers to T.K.] Just nod your head and say maybe.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Maybe.
[Monk and Natalie are being followed by a Cadillac Escalade]
Adrian Monk: We're being followed.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my God. What do I do? [The car phone rings; Stottlemeyer's name appears on the display] It's the Captain. [They answer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you guys okay?
Natalie Teeger: We're being followed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it a black SUV?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Nevada plates?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: OK, stay calm. We just got word that someone put out a $20,000 contract on your life.

Mr. Monk and Sharona [8.10][edit]

[Monk and Natalie are in the law firm's waiting room. Monk is reading a magazine]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Not now. I'm almost finished. [Natalie grabs the magazine from him]
Natalie Teeger: You paid her $20 a week more than me?!
Adrian Monk: She had a kid!
Natalie Teeger: I have a kid!!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more!
Natalie Teeger: Hey, that's not fair and you know it!
Adrian Monk: OK, fine, I'll pay you the same, on one condition: when we go to lunch, don't talk to her. Mmm, you can talk to her, but not about me. Don't compare notes. And sit at separate tables. And if she offers to pick up the check, for God's sake, don't argue with her.
[As Monk, Natalie and Sharona travel across the golf course to find Perry Walsh, Sharona can't help but notice that Natalie always refers to Monk as "Mr. Monk"]
Sharona Fleming: Do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie Teeger: Okay. Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see I don't like it either.
Natalie Teeger: Me neither.
[Sharona surprises Stottlemeyer]
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me, I'd like a lodge a complaint against one of your officers.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What did he do?
Sharona Fleming: He hasn't written or called me in five years.
[Stottlemeyer looks up and sees Sharona standing in the doorway]
[Stottlemeyer warns Monk about how working with both Natalie and Sharona is dangerous]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: So, you're going to go to the uncle's apartment and check things out. And you're going to take Natalie and Sharona. Can I give you a bit of advice, man to man? Big mistake.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you.....you're barely....you're very....you're a fragile person.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: These women are going to drive you crazy. You're going to have a breakdown.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I know!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I love Natalie. And I love Sharona, too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice! But together, they're like bourbon and vodka: I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're going to tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day! Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money! I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her! I'm losing her.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And it's only going to get worse.
[Monk, Natalie and Sharona look around Howie's apartment. Natalie looks inside a drawer]
Natalie Teeger: Uncle Howie liked the ladies.
Adrian Monk: How do you know? [Natalie shuts the door]
Natalie Teeger: Just trust me. He liked the ladies. [Sharona notices a photo of herself as a little girl with Howie]
Sharona Fleming: Oh, this is me! This is my first communion. I wonder why he kept it. [Monk looks at a Passion of Erica book lying on a table]
Natalie Teeger: You're family.
Sharona Fleming: I only met him twice. [Monk sets the book down and notices some bills marked PAST DUE]
Adrian Monk: Look at this.
Natalie Teeger and Sharona Fleming: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: Your uncle was broke. [Natalie takes one of the bills. Sharona almost immediately tries to grab it]
Sharona Fleming: No-no-no-no-no, let me see. He was my uncle.
Adrian Monk: Okay, okay! I'll just hold them all up and you can both see. I hate this case.
Sharona Fleming: It's not a case; it was an accident.
Adrian Monk: I hate this accident. [Monk walks into the kitchen and finds a pile of couch cushions, stacked up on an incline]
Natalie Teeger: Cushions? What are those doing here?
Adrian Monk: My god, he was practicing.
Sharona Fleming: Practicing what?
Adrian Monk: Falling. Sharona, I'm sorry, but your uncle Howie was a conman. That's what he was doing on the golf course: he was staging an accident so he could sue the country club.
Natalie Teeger: All right, so he was pretending to fall and then he really fell.
Adrian Monk: It happens. I guess conmen can trip, too.
Sharona Fleming: OK, well I don't believe it. You're not perfect. You could be wrong.
Adrian Monk: Maybe. But I'm not.
Sharona Fleming: This doesn't mean anything! Cushions on a floor? You know what I say? I say that we keep looking. We go back, and we talk to the golf pro again. He was a witness!
Adrian Monk: No. No, that won't do any good.
Sharona Fleming: What-
Natalie Teeger: Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Is this just about the money?
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, of course this is about the money! Natalie, if this was a con game, if he fell on purpose, then I won't see a nickel!
Natalie Teeger: It's not like you lost any money! You're just back where you started!
Sharona Fleming: Which is broke! Which is trying to put my kid through college! Not everyone has zillionaire parents!
Natalie Teeger: Hey, hey, hey, hey, I've never taken a dime from my parents!
Sharona Fleming: Well then give them my number! [Natalie glowers at Monk before following Sharona out of the room]
Adrian Monk: I hate this case...
[Monk, Natalie and Sharona try to argue as to the best way up to Perry Walsh's ninth floor apartment. Natalie wants to take the stairs and Sharona wants to take the elevator]
Sharona Fleming: Ah. Perry Walsh. 904.
[Sharona walks towards the elevator while Monk and Natalie head for the stairs]
Sharona Fleming: Where are you going?
Natalie Teeger: Ninth floor.
Sharona Fleming: But the elevator's over here!
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk always takes the stairs.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah I know he always takes the stairs, but I always made him take the elevator. It's good for him. [takes Monk by the right arm and leads him over to the elevator]
Natalie Teeger: Thanks, I appreciate it, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Come on, Mr. Monk. [grabs Monk by the left arm]
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, but sometimes he has to be uncomfortable! Otherwise he'll never learn.
Natalie Teeger: I'm not his psychiatrist. I'm his assistant.
Sharona Fleming: Then why don't you try assisting him instead of pandering to him!
Natalie Teeger: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? [bangs on the elevator call button] Let's take the elevator up to four and then walk up five flights!
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona Fleming: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk up four flights!
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona Fleming: You treat him like a child!
Natalie Teeger: He's not a child!
Sharona Fleming: I did not say he was a child! I said you're treating him like a child!
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I'm being supportive!
Sharona Fleming: No, you're not being supportive! You're enabling him-
Adrian Monk: Okay! Here's what we're going to do: we're going to get on the elevator, take it up to 18 and then walk down nine flights. That way everybody's miserable. [cuts to Carolyn Walsh opening the door to find Monk, Natalie and Sharona sweating and almost out of breath]
Natalie Teeger: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona Fleming: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie Teeger: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona Fleming: Or the sound machine with that foghorn noise.
Natalie Teeger: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona Fleming: Really? What did you do?
Natalie Teeger: I went out and bought an actual foghorn and made my own tape. [laughs] I'm not kidding! I have an actual foghorn sitting in my garage!

Mr. Monk and the Dog [8.11][edit]

[At Natalie's family reunion picnic.]
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Adrian Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Anne Marie: Really? Do you know her other boss? The crazy one?
Adrian Monk: ...Yes. [referring to himself] I've met him once or twice.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [talking to a search party] Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lt. Randall Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.
[DeWitt has nearly tried to kill Shelby and Monk is telling Stottlemeyer about this]
Lt. Randall Disher: Now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lt. Randall Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the State of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lt. Randall Disher: Maybe DeWitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired I don't even know if that makes sense.
Natalie Teeger: [examining a painting] Could be a lover?
Adrian Monk: How do you figure?
Natalie Teeger: Well, he's naked, and, uh... lower right corner?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Oh! Oh, I thought that was the signature.
Adrian Monk: [about Shelby] This dog is really, really smart. I've been teaching her tricks.
Lt. Randall Disher: Like?
Adrian Monk: Oh, like not to lick me, not to drool, not to roll over, not to, you know, discharge anything.

Mr. Monk Goes Camping [8.12][edit]

Lt. Randall Disher: I'm taking four kids camping this weekend. It's going to be so much fun. Everybody's going to get a badge.
Adrian Monk: Almost everybody.
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, do you want to come? I could use the help.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Eh, no.
Lt. Randall Disher: Do you have plans?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: You're not feeling well?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I hope you feel better.
Natalie Teeger: It's not too late to back out.
Adrian Monk: Oh no, I am doing this, I am playing the game.
Natalie Teeger: Well, at least try to have some fun.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it's a game; it's not supposed to be fun.
[Stottlemeyer is in his office, interrogating the girlfriend of a suspect in an armored car robbery]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I just had two cups of coffee. I could do this all day. So let's try again: where is your boyfriend?
Winona: Which one?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: The one you've been living with for three years: Luke Johnston, the one that robbed that armored car with his brother.
Winona: Luke didn't rob anybody.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Winona, listen to me. This--this wasn't just another smash-'n-grab. A guard got killed. And we found Luke's fingerprints near the scene.
Winona: Near the scene. What does that mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means I want to talk to him. That's what it means. [Stottlemeyer gets up from his chair and walks around his desk] Where are they?
Winona: No idea. [Stottlemeyer sits down in the chair next to Winona]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Sure you do.
Winona: I'm not saying another word. Luke and Del are like family.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That guard had a family. [Stottlemeyer puts his left hand on Winona's wrist] Winona, I want you to give Luke and Del a message - and don't tell me that you can't, because I know that you can. I want you to tell them that Leland Stottlemeyer says "Hi," and I will see them soon.
[After being interrogated by Stottlemeyer, Winona is on the phone with Luke Johnston]
Winona: That's what he said! They found your fingerprints.
Luke Johnston: Well that's impossible. We both had gloves on.
Winona: Yeah? Then why are they talking to me?
Luke Johnston: I don't know.
Winona: What else did you forget? Did you get rid of the guns?
Luke Johnston: The guns are gone.
Winona: Did you dump everything?
Luke Johnston: Don't worry about it!
Winona: You'd just better be sure, Luke, is all I'm saying. 'Cause they are going to be checking everywhere: everywhere you've stayed, everywhere you've been.
Luke Johnston: You mean the cabin?
Winona: Just get back there and make sure it's clean! [sighs] Baby, if you get sent up again, I don't think I can stand it!
Luke Johnston: It's going to be okay. You understand me? We're going to take care of it. When I get back, you and I are going to have to talk.
Winona: What about?
Luke Johnston: About how we're going to spend all this money. I'll see you soon. [Luke hangs up his cell phone]
Del Johnston: They picked her up?
Luke Johnston: Yep. They don't know anything, not what they know they can't prove.
Del Johnston: Where are we going?
Luke Johnston: Back to Spider Lake. We got some cleanin' up to do.
Adrian Monk: I don't know how you do it.
Lt. Randy Disher: What's that?
Adrian Monk: How you take it. People joke around, tease you, you never get mad or upset.
Lt. Randy Disher: Mmm, it used to bother me when I was coming up in uniform. I heard people laughing, telling Randy Disher stories. And it hurt, you know? I almost quit.
Adrian Monk: What happened?
Lt. Randy Disher: One night I got a call - a P-300 downtown. There was a bumper sticker on one of the cars, and it said, "Happiness is a choice." I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it changed my life. I mean, I made a decision right there. I chose to be happy. I mean, I really believe that. I mean, you have the power. You can choose to be happy.
Adrian Monk: I guess I should read more bumper stickers.
Lt. Randy Disher: [yawning] Everybody should. Okay, it's late. I'm gonna to go sack out.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good night.
Lt. Randy Disher: See you in the morning.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. P-300? Isn't that a fatality?
Lt. Randy Disher: Yeah, it was pretty ugly. The driver hit a tractor-trailer head on. He and his wife were both DOA [Dead on arrival].
Adrian Monk: And this was the car that had the bumper sticker, "Happiness is a choice"?
Lt. Randy Disher: Yeah, that's right. Well, actually, it was on fire when I got there, so it was hard to read.
Adrian Monk: And this didn't deter you or make you think twice?
Lt. Randy Disher: [shrugs] It was an epiphany, Monk. You can't just choose where you get it. I mean it could come from a guru on a mountaintop, or it could be from a bumper sticker on a burning Subaru.

Mr. Monk Is the Best Man [8.13][edit]

[Disher and other cops are looking over a burned corpse found on a hillside]
Lt. Randall Disher: You all right?
Rookie Cop: [dry-heaving] Yes, sir. I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I've never seen anything like it. Think they killed him first?
Lt. Randall Disher: God, I hope so. Peters, any I.D. at all? Fingerprints, anything?
Forensic Tech: [grimaces] You need fingers for fingerprints. [Stottlemeyer arrives at the scene in a jovial mood]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [singing] "Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak." [to patrol officer] How you doin'? [singing to himself] "And I finally found the happiness I seek..." [to another patrol officer] Hey, there, Kevin, you look good! You losing weight? Good deal. [singing to himself] "When we're up together, dancing cheek to cheek..." [to Disher]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, I smell ribs!
Lt. Randall Disher: [grimacing] It is ribs. You're in a good mood.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm a great mood. I'm getting married in nine days.
[about his fiancee, T.K. (the "T" stands for Trudy)]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Listen, are you all right with this? I mean, about her name...?
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure! I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whoever this guy is, he's ruining my life.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, that's supposed to be my job.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Exactly.
[Joy, a bubbly flower shop owner, matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates" (a butterfly orchid and a crocus, respectively), then turns to Monk and matches him with a pen]
Joy: I found it. This... is your flower.
Natalie Teeger: It's plastic.
Joy: Mmm-hmm.
[Monk takes a sniff of the "flower."]
Adrian Monk: [in a deadpan voice] I love it.
[TK has called off the wedding.]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Guess I'll be taking that ring back.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk... it's over. I happen to be an expert in this area.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm not giving up! It's gonna work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "She's my answer..." where did you hear that?
Adrian Monk: Trudy used to say it - my Trudy. Besides, I'm not sure if I can open my hand.
Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his song that he will sing at Leland and T.K.'s wedding] "Cupid was a gun for hire. Took aim at Leland Stottlemeyer. Who's love was wallowed in the mire. We love you, TK Stottlemeyer! Mr. and Mrs. Stottlemeyerrr..."
Natalie Teeger: Sounds a little bit like "Light My Fire".
Lt. Randall Disher: What part?
Natalie Teeger: The words. And the music. Why don't you just play "The Wedding March"?
[T.K. stops by Stottlemeyer's office and sees the board with crime scene photos from the burn victim]
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Oh my God, is that a person?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah it was a person. They found it in Colin Park.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Who is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We don't know.
Adrian Monk: They took his wallet, and everything's burnt.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we'll be lucky if we can get a DNA match.
[Stottlemeyer and T.K. accompany Stephanie Briggs out of jail after she has spent a day in the holding cell for speeding]
Stephanie Briggs: I thought I was gonna have to dig my way out!
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: She would not dig her way out; she was afraid she'd break a fingernail!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: May I ask you a question?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah, sure.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What the hell were you thinking? You were doing 75 miles an hour in a residential neighborhood.
Stephanie Briggs: It was an emergency, Leland. I had to get to the caterers before they closed.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, it's just a wedding! It's not worth getting killed over!
[Monk is at the crime lab fussing with the mixed flower arrangements]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the evidence is over here! Randy, go get him. It's a mixed arrangement! They're supposed to be mixed up! [Randy grabs Monk and leads him over to the part of the table where the evidence from the burn victim is] Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.
Adrian Monk: I read the file, so where are we?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, we know he was "flammable". That's pretty much it.
[Monk is holding Leland's bachelor party at his apartment]
Adrian Monk: Okay, does everybody have pizza?
First Cop: Uh, there's nothing on it. [The pizzas have indeed, absolutely NOTHING on them. Not even cheese or sauce!]
Adrian Monk: I know! I ordered plain.
First Cop: Not even cheese?
Adrian Monk: I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. [puts an apple juice container on top of a coaster] All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.
[In the hallway, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door, only to discover that the bathroom space has been taken up by a port-a-potty]
Second Cop: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom!
Adrian Monk: Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?
Adrian Monk: All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: [reads from a notecard] And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says, 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster! And you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And Leland says, "I need a drink!" [He gets much applause from the other cops]
[Monk breaks out the booze]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well gentlemen, here's the situation: We've got twelve bottles, which is 144 fluid ounces, which is enough for each of us to get a little sleepy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Or for one of us to get good and polluted.
First Cop: Designated Drunk! Hey, I love the idea!
Lt. Randall Disher: [volunteers] I'll get drunk.
[Monk has chosen the movie Bachelor Party for entertainment]
Adrian Monk: Read it. [Stottlemeyer reads from the box]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "Shocking, shameful"-
Adrian Monk: That's for you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: "...sinful..."
Adrian Monk: Go on.
Captain Leland Sottlemeyer: "And the party hasn't even begun yet."
[Disher, drunk, staggers into the party]
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey! Hey! Who belongs to the Crown Vic out front?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Is it green?
Lt. Randall Disher: No, it's, like a, uh, charcoal gray, with flames on the side. And on the roof and on the windshield.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Flames on the windshield-there's flames on the windshield?
Lt. Randall Disher: "Flames on the windshield"? [Everyone runs out of the apartment leaving Randy alone, looking at the TV] Hey, I like this movie. [cuts to Monk and the others reaching the street, where they find Stottlemeyer's car on fire]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey! Hey, that's my car!
Adrian Monk: You're not going to even ask him?
Natalie Teeger: No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again!
Lt. Randall Disher: Hey, how you guys doing?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.
Adrian Monk: Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height! Think how cool that would look!
Lt. Randall Disher: Listen, I have some news. I just got off the phone with Ralph Toplyn from the FBI. They ran the prints; the clerk's name is Martin Kettering.
Natalie Teeger: Kettering. I know that name.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's a wanted fugitive. He's been on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List for 12 years. He was in some ecoterrorist group called the Earth Avengers.
Adrian Monk: I remember. They blew up a bunch of condos in Denver.
Lt. Randall Disher: Which killed two security guards and a fireman. This whole group - Kettering and three others - they've been on the run ever since.
Adrian Monk: Is he the burn victim?
Lt. Randall Disher: We just got the DNA test back. It's definitely him.
[Stephanie has just taken back Leland's tuxedo bag]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm gonna find him - the guy that scared her off - I'm gonna find him, and him and me are going to have a long conversation that kind of involves a lot of punching. [Monk straightens up]
Adrian Monk: Affinity, the flower shop. That's where she got the flowers?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: Leland, that's where Martin Kettering worked. When was she arrested?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: A week ago, Tuesday.
Adrian Monk: That's the night Kettering was killed. Where did they pull her over? [Stottlemeyer stands up in realization]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Colin Avenue, a mile from the body! [He and Monk head out of the office. Downstairs, Stephanie Briggs has just exited the building when Monk and Stottlemeyer burst out the door behind her and stop her] Stephanie! Do you have a minute?
Stephanie Briggs: Actually, Leland, I'm a little busy right now. Can it wait?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. It really can't.
Adrian Monk: You say you've known T.K. for twelve years?
Stephanie Briggs: Yeah.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where were you before that? You never said.
Adrian Monk: Who were you before that? [Stottlemeyer starts to advance threateningly on Stephanie]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You ever heard of a group called the Earth Avengers?
Stephanie Briggs: What are you talking about?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Martin Kettering. Was he a friend of yours?
Stephanie Briggs: Leland, I know that you've been through a hard week, but-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Here's what I know: I know that we're going back inside. We have a few things to talk about.
[Stephanie produces a Kahr K9 handgun from the tuxedo bag]
Stephanie Briggs: Okay not today, Leland!
[Monk and Stottlemeyer have been taken hostage by Stephanie Briggs, one of the fugitives from the Earth Avengers]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'll bet you a week's pay that that [gun]'s a .9 millimeter.
Adrian Monk: That's the gun you killed Martin Kettering with.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was it doing with my tuxedo?
Adrian Monk: That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.
Stephanie Briggs: Just shut up!
Adrian Monk: I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.
[As Stephanie Briggs is forcing Monk and Stottlemeyer into her car at gunpoint, T.K. comes running up to Stottlemeyer]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [trying to get T.K. out of the way] Just go home! We have nothing more to say, just go home!
Adrian Monk: He doesn't wanna talk to you any more. He hates your... guts.
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: All I wanted to say is, I love you. I'm not leaving you again. [Stephanie produces the gun and points it at T.K.]
Stephanie Briggs: In that case, you're coming with us! Get in the car, T.K! [T.K. gasps, shocked at what Stephanie has turned out to be]
Adrian Monk: Not in the front, though, 'cause I'm-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to T.K.] Don't worry. It's not loaded.
Stephanie Briggs: Oh, it's not, huh? [She fires a shot into the air. The slide locks back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's empty now. [produces the gun's magazine] Here's your clip. You had one in the chamber. You're under arrest; turn around. [He shoves her into the side of her car]
Stephanie Briggs: Ow! That hurt!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. [He handcuffs her, and hands her off to Monk, who leads her away. Stottlemeyer turns to T.K.] Are you gonna marry me or not?
Trudy "T.K." Jensen: Absolutely.

Mr. Monk and the Badge [8.14][edit]

Adrian Monk: You polished the bullets.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, they might get a infection. God, we're funny together.
Natalie Teeger: We are.
[Stottlemeyer is doing the roll call and morning announcements to the detectives]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk is back. Back where he belongs. [Monk stands up and reads from a notecard]
Adrian Monk: Seventy years ago, Thomas Wolf wrote, "You can't go home again..."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, you don't have to say anything.
Adrian Monk: Thank God. [sits down]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, our first order of business is the Pick Axe Killer.
Lt. Randall Disher: The Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lt. Randall Disher: But they used pickaxes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer! Okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We're moving on. Now, I don't have to tell you how important this case is but we have caught a break. We have a witness - a woman who lived down the hall from victim #5 has given us a description of the killer.
Detective Jones: Now that, gentleman, is what you call a real woman.
Detective Louis Doyle: No doubt about it.
Adrian Monk: You can tell. No Adam's apple.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Come on, Monk, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's outside.
Adrian Monk: What... what is it?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's you not getting beaten up.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'd like to see that.
[Monk has captured Mikhail Almonov]
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Nice work, detective.
Adrian Monk: Former detective.
Sergeant Danny Weaver: Former former detective.
Adrian Monk: Former former former detective.
[Stottlemeyer and Disher know that Monk is at Officer Russell DiMarco's wake]
Lt. Randall Disher: I don't see him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's here somewhere. Separated the fruit salad.

Mr. Monk and the End (Part One) [8.15][edit]

[Monk and Stottlemeyer are questioning Dr. Malcolm Nash about Wendy Stroud's disappearance]
Dr. Malcolm Nash: Wendy Stroud has worked here for nineteen years. She was the first midwife I hired.
Det. Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Has she ever disappeared before?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: No. She's never missed a day. She's never even been late, hence the phone call.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hence, we're here.
Det. Adrian Monk: Has anyone else heard from her? Any of the other nurses?
Dr. Malcolm Nash: No, nobody's heard from her, and they're not nurses, they're midwives.
Det. Adrian Monk: Right...
Dr. Malcolm Nash: There's a difference. A midwife is a qualified autonomous practitioner, specializing in the natural birth experience. [catches Monk fidgeting with the umbilical cord on a plastic baby] Excuse me, what are you doing?
Det. Adrian Monk: I was--was just straightening it out a little bit.
Dr. Malcolm Nash: They're umbilical cords! They're never straight!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: But his was! [Monk and Stottlemeyer laugh. Stottlemeyer's cell phone suddenly rings] Excuse me.
[Stottlemeyer steps aside to answer his phone]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he's right here. [He listens. His face immediately turns pale] When? Uh, yeah-yeah, we'll--we'll be right there. [He hangs up]
Det. Adrian Monk: Leland? What is it? Did something happen? [Stottlemeyer looks at Monk with a very pained look on his face]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: ...It's Trudy.
[Joey Kazarinski is waiting at a bar when his cell phone rings]
Joey Kazarinski: Hey.
Judge Ethan Rickover: It's me.
Joey Kazarinski: Where the hell are you at?! I've been waiting, like, an hour!
Judge Ethan Rickover: Change of plans. We won't be meeting again.
Joey Kazarinski: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-!
Judge Ethan Rickover: At least, not in person.
Joey Kazarinski: Wait, is there a problem?
Judge Ethan Rickover: Yeah, we have a big problem. You left a partial fingerprint at the clinic. They have your name. They're looking for you. [Kazarinski mulls this over for a moment]
Joey Kazarinski: It's going to be okay, all right? I've disappeared before.
Judge Ethan Rickover: Before you pack your bags, I've got another job for you. I figured you could use another payday.
Joey Kazarinski: All right, well who is it?
Judge Ethan Rickover: A detective. A former detective. His name is Adrian Monk. He's going to put two-and-two together eventually. In this case, two-and-two equals me. I'm afraid it will get rather personal. I can't afford that.
Joey Kazarinski: Well what do you mean, "personal"?
Judge Ethan Rickover: I mean he would come after me and try to kill me. He'd probably succeed.
Joey Kazarinski: Now why'd he want to do something like that?
Judge Ethan Rickover: Because twelve years ago, I killed his wife.
Dr. Matthew Shuler: Now, you're going to feel normal for a while and then there's gonna be some vomiting, followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [disbelief] Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: Followed by death.
Adrian Monk: [still in shock] Vomiting?
Dr. Matthew Shuler: And then death.
Adrian Monk: Is there any chance death could come before the vomiting?
[An impromptu task force has been assembled in the squad room. Stottlemeyer is standing in front of a corkboard with photos of Monk, Dr. Malcolm Nash, and Joey Kazarinski]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you for coming. I have to tell you right off the bat that this is not an officially sanctioned task force, so nobody's going to get paid any overtime.
Detective #1: We're not here for the money, Captain. [The other detectives nod and express some vocal form of agreement]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I appreciate that. I'm sure Monk does, too. All right. [He gestures to the photo of Joey Kazarinski] This is our target: Joey Kazarinski.
Lt. Randall Disher: A.K.A. "Joey Kaz" or "Joey K."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We think that Kazarinski shot Dr. Nash last Friday, and we think that he poisoned Adrian Monk. [He points to the photos of Dr. Nash and Monk]
Detective #2: What's the connection?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk was working the Nash case. Other than that, we don't know. Now we're going to split up into groups. Half of you are going to work with Randy on the shooting. [Randy raises his hand] They know who you are, Randy. I want to know everything there is to know about Nash: who he was, who loved him, and more importantly, who didn't love him. The rest of us are going to find Kazarinski. We're going to turn over every rock in Northern California. Now this guy is dangerous. He is armed. He might be carrying chemical agents, so be careful, but, and this is very important: no guns. You get a lead, you phone it in; you keep your gun in your belt. He must be taken alive! If he dies, Monk dies. Understood? Good deal, let's go.
[Stottlemeyer is interrogating a forger who is an associate of Joey Kazarinski]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You were with Kazarinski yesterday! We know that you sold him some fake ID! What was it, a driver's license? Passport?!
Ronnie: [shrugs, indifferently] I don't know what you're talking about! [Stottlemyer grabs Ronnie by his coattails and shoves him against the wall]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Ronnie, I don't have time to dance with you today. My friend is sick. Do you understand?
Ronnie: "Your friend is sick." What does that mean?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It means that I need that name! I need to know the name that Joey Kazarinski is using now.
Ronnie: So you need a name. What are you going to do? Hit me with a phonebook? There are no phonebooks in here, Captain. Nobody uses phonebooks anymore. They all use computers!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [mulls it over] Yeah, you're right. [His gaze falls on a laptop in the room]
[Cuts to Stottlemeyer carrying the laptop, smashed, back to the squad room]
Lt. Randall Disher: Did you get a name?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yes I did. Oh, and your computer crashed.

Mr. Monk and the End (Part Two) [8.16][edit]

Trudy Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which I probably am...
Trudy Monk: [on a farewell message] If anything happens to me, Adrian, I just want you to know: you are not just the love of my life. You are my life.
Judge Ethan Rickover: You're going to kill a federal judge?
Adrian Monk: Tonight, I'm the judge.
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Trudy sent you a gift. She sent you someone to love. It's what you've been missing.
[Randy is on the phone with someone]
Lt. Randall Disher: All right, I'll call you later. [hangs up]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who was that?
Lt. Randall Disher: That was the Deputy Commissioner.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Deputy Commissioner Patrick Watson?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, that's right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You said, "I love you."
Lt. Randall Disher: I do... love him. I think he's doing a great job. Why? Why? You don't think he's...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, I think he's doing a fine job. I don't tell him that I love him.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, maybe you should. It's just common courtesy.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It's not common courtesy.
Lt. Randall Disher: Well, I think you're doing a great job. I love you.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All right, Randy, I'm sorry I asked. When you're ready to tell me what's really going on, don't.
[last lines of the series following up on the first episode of the series]
Natalie Teeger: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just checking to make sure the stove is off.
Natalie Teeger: Good thinking. You wouldn't want to go all the way across town with your stove on.
Adrian Monk: I know. That actually happened to me a few years ago...
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