User:Imspartacus
Hey guys, I am just puting this up as an archive because I never use my userpage. This content is unrelated to Imspartacus.
ImSpartacus (talk) 14:13, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
Andy Tarrier[edit]
Formerly known as "Prince", Andy Tarrier lived in a luxurious castle in France as a conceited and bitter human. One night, Prince's kindness is put to the test when a beggar woman comes to the castle for shelter from the freezing cold, with a single rose as payment. Repulsed by her appearance, the Prince sneers at the simple gift. When Prince shuns the beggar for her repulsive appearance, she reveals her true form: Pamela Anderson. Seeing her beauty and realizing her power, Prince apologizes. But as a punishment for his cold heart, she turns him into the HUGEST man alive. She also casts a ghastly curse on the entire castle, transforming it into a land so B.A. that only someone HUGE could live there. Even the good-natured servants were transformed into swords for Andy to mangle his opponents with. Content with his newfound HUGENESS, Andy conceals himself inside his castle with a 68 inch HDTV as his only window to the outside world. The rose Pamela Anderson had offered was an enchanted one, which would bloom until Andy told it to freakin stop blooming! (He's that huge. He can do that). After that, however, the petals of the rose would fall off in due course as it wilted and died. Should he learn to love a woman and earn her love in return before the last petal of the rose fell off, the enchantment would be broken, and he and his servants would regain un-huge form. If he was not able to love before this time, the transformation would be permanent. Andy, at this point, realized that going back to his old self could quite possible be the stupidest thing he could do. Pamela Anderson isn't that bright; she can't think of very punishing punishments.
Ten years later, when Andy locks an old man named Dylan in the tower as a prisoner for claiming he is the hugest man alive, the man's daughter, Pattee Kraynak, confronts Andy and pleads him to let her father go, offering herself as Andy's girlfriend in exchange. Andy accepts, under the condition that she remain in the castle FOREVER. Pattee agrees, and Andy takes Dylan to an enchanted Camaro that returns him home. Andy ends up frightening Pattee so badly with his HUGENESS that she flees the castle into the Manbearpig-infested forest. Knowing that Pattee would not survive in the forest, he pursues her and fights off a pack of Menbearspigs when she is attacked. Exhausted and badly injured from fighting, Andy passes out in the snow. He comes to appreciate Pattee when she tends to his wounds and strikes up a friendship with her... but still doesn't plan to love her. He wouldn't want to sacrifice his hugeness, would he?
Over the next few days, Andy and Pattee spend more time together. Acting on Matt's suggestion of what would thrill a hot chick like Pattee, Andy presents Pattee with his massive personal armory as a gift for helping him, and even organizes a private disco for himself and Pattee. She is impressed by his ability to appear and act like a steaming hunk of manliness. After dancing for a while, Andy asks Belle if she is happy, and she responds positively, but says that her happiness would be complete if she can see her father again. In response, Andy takes Pattee to the West Wing and shows her his HD TV, telling her that it will let her see her father whatever she wishes. To her horror, Pattee sees that her father is stranded in the woods, and possibly falling fatally ill in the cold. Andy, taking Pattee's feelings into account before his own, decides to let Pattee leave to aid her father. After a tearful goodbye, Pattee leaves the castle, and Andy smirks, realizing how B.A. he is to have done that. When his talking sword asks him why he let her go, he finally acknowledges his feelings in words, rather than picking up cars and throwing them. "Because... I’m just that beastly."
However, later on, someone comes to the castle, but not Pattee. Instead, it is an angry mob come to kill Andy, led by a man who was vying for Pattee's feelings: CJ Pastore. Though Andy is prepared to let them come and murder him, his army of 300 Spartans thinks otherwise, and valiantly defends their master by fighting the mob. However, CJ had already escaped from the battle to look for Andy. CJ eventually finds Andy, and starts his merciless torture by shooting Andy in the back with an AK-47 and tossing him onto the lower levels of the castle roof. Believing he has lost Pattee forever, Andy has no desire to escape; but upon seeing that Pattee and Dylan had returned to the castle gates, Andy finds the will to live. He faces CJ and begins to fight back. Andy defeats CJ and literally holds him at his mercy by holding him by the neck above a chasm. CJ begs for mercy, and Andy spares him, knowing that it is no longer in his heart to kill anyone. Pattee then comes to the West Wing balcony, and Andy turns his attention to her, climbing up to her. However, mercy proves to be a weak point when CJ follows and stabs Andy in the back with a combat knife. Andy then shows no more mercy and turns around swiftly with a roundhouse kick, causing CJ's head to explode. Despite being handed over his death by a mortally fatal stab wound, he was so beastly that he pwned the Grim Reaper in the face with a solid punch while he tried to drag him to the afterlife. Pattee tells Andy she loves him, but realizing he could lose his absolute HUGENESS forever, decides to turn her down in favor of living the rest of his immortal existence lifting weights with his HUGE arms.
Lucas Kirkpatrick[edit]
Lucas's Adventures In Time
Lucas Kirkpatrick is a teenager taking classes at Jonathan Alder High School. At first glance, he seems pretty normal. However, beneath his weak muscles and short stature, lies a secret power that if left uncontrolled, could wipe out the entire universe. This power is of course, the heart of a true American. He doesn’t know about this power until the immortal ghost of Arnold Governator from the future visits him in his sleep. He brings stories of terror from the future; stories of a world brought to its knees by the sun being blown up by the Communist Overlord Super Beam known as Yale, or C.O.S.B.Y. When Lucas asks why the great Governator would visit only him, the great ghost explains that only Lucas has the power to stop the Communists, because he has the heart of a true American. But because the beam is going to be fired in a matter of hours, Lucas will need to travel to the past to prevent the beam from ever being built; he will have to travel back to the Cold War! Lucas enquires about a time machine, but the Governator only laughs with a hearty “ENAUGH EH NAUGH EGAUGH” and disappears.
Lucas knows what he must do. He calls his friend, the great shanksman Nathan Richards on the phone, and they arrange a meeting. When they meet, Lucas explains the situation, and Nathan is shocked, but determined to help Lucas. But as soon as Nathan asks how they will get back in time, Lucas stares for a second and says, “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Nathan, feeling like Lucas has wasted his time, gets angry and starts to pull one of his shanks on Lucas. But just before he is shanked, his chest glows with red, white, and blue, forming a barrier around him to protect him from the shank. All of Nathan’s skepticism disappears at this moment, and is replaced with enthusiasm. He orders Lucas to focus all of his American energy to open a time portal. Lucas at first is confused, but after 4 beers, understands completely. He closes his eyes, pumps his fist, and screams at the top of his lungs, “BYEAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!” Before either of them could react, Lucas and Nathan are in the middle of Moscow during 1964: the middle of the Cold War!
Lucas doesn't need to ask anyone about C.O.S.B.Y. His patriotism has already given him the knowledge he needs. He closes his eyes and says "ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh", pointing to the East. Nathan nods and runs wherever Lucas points, shanking every Soviet soldier in sight. Lucas runs close behind, using the power of America to shield Nathan from the soldiers' gunfire. 540 shanked soldiers later, Lucas and Nathan have reached the outskirts of the city. They stop, waiting for the power of America to show them the way. After 20 seconds of silence, a bald eagle flies in from the East, leaving a trail of stars and stripes in the air. It lands on a nearby tree branch and disappears. Lucas, with a patriotic smirk, pulls the branch the eagle landed on; it was a lever that moved a boulder, revealing a staircase! As Lucas and Nathan descend to the underground chanbers, Lucas utters the now famous line, "Thank you, beer induced hallucination of the Nation Bird."
The further they go down the staircase, the darker it becomes. Lucas, thinking fast, pulls a mini-American Flag from his pocket. The galiant Stars and Stripes in the darkness of the Sickle and Hammer shines bright, lighting up the path ahead. At the bottom of the staircase is a wooden doorway. What is beyond that is Lucas and Nathan's goal; the C.O.S.B.Y. But they run into some bad luck, as there are not only OVER 9000 Soviet soldiers protecting the C.O.S.B.Y., but Joseph Stalin himself is overseeing the scientists working on it! Stalin turns around with a smirk on his mustached face (by the way, his mustache was a pickle. it's true).
He begins speaking Russian, which of course neither Lucas nor Nathan understand. Lucas, frustrated, interrupts Stalin. "Save the Russian talk for when you're begging for mercy! Prepare to face the power of AMERRIICAAAAAAA!"
What happens next can only be described as the most awesome energy beam struggle in the history of everything. Lucas wins the struggle of course, with the resulting explosion destroying not only Stalin, but the C.O.S.B.Y., the scientists, the OVER 9000 soldiers, and the existence of Communism. Nathan lives, of course. That's because he's an AMERICAN. Lucas and Nathan burst from the twisted wreckage that is all of northern Asia, feeling like their work there was done. With another "BYEAAAAAAAAHHHHH!", both Lucas and Nathan are off to their own time and their own homes.